


A Better Son

by Eliza_Bella_xx



Category: MCR - Fandom, My Chemical Romance, Pencey Prep
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Assault, FTM, Frerard, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Assault, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-08-09 22:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 101,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7820206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eliza_Bella_xx/pseuds/Eliza_Bella_xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perhaps all the mundaneness of day to day life was what did it for Frank. Sure he had dreams and aspirations (like anyone else) of his band making it some day, but he was always looking for something more, something achievable, reachable. Whether he knew it or not, he craved something different, excitement, and maybe a little chaos in his regularity.<br/>Perhaps this is what drew him to Gerard.</p><p>---*---</p><p>After Frank meets Gerard through a day-to-day encounter like any other, it's the same story you've heard a thousand times over. A crush, a show, a kiss...<br/>But could it really be as simple as that for someone as ordinary as Frank?</p><p>(Trigger warnings: Gender-based slurs, violence, sexual assault, death, possible dysphoria triggers)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Casual Affair

  
  
_"Looks innocent enough, doesn't it?_  
_But sometimes there are dangers involved that never meet the eye._  
_No matter where you meet a stranger, be careful if they are too friendly."_  
**\- Casual Affair, Panic! At The Disco**

* * *

  
  
Frank was average.

His looks, occupation, home and family, all pretty much the American average for a twenty five year old living in New Jersey.

He was about average height, five foot seven, and average build and weight. He had short, dark brown hair and light hazel eyes, and normal Caucasian skin with a few tattoos with their own personal meanings in the normal tattoo locations (aside from maybe his neck).

He worked week days and Sundays, from ten til three thirty at a local chain supermarket, and worked for a decent pay that meant he could easily get his groceries with an added employee discount, keep up with the rent of his fairly average apartment, rent the rehearsal space for his band practice every Wednesday evening and go out for drinks on a Friday, with a little to save at the end up each month.

He lived alone, as did each of his parents (seeing as divorce was the new average in a lot of families) and they all got on with their lives, taking on the phone, sending greetings cards when expected and Frank visited each of his parents at least once every two months, give or take a week or so.

There were only two things that brought colour or excitement to his life.

The first was the occasional Friday nights, maybe twice a month, where him and his band would play at a small bar in their town. The turn out was never huge, but it was enough for everyone to enjoy themselves those nights. Tipsy dancers and guitar riffs would fill the small club, and Frank would always find mysterious bruises the next morning and, depending on how much he'd had to drink, a hickey to two, or maybe a phone number scrawled on a napkin or receipt in his pocket.

The second was, surprisingly, his job. Or rather, the people who would come to the store.

It was was small town, but somehow there were always new and interesting people coming to make purchases at Frank's work.

Of course there were the regulars, but even some of them were enough to keep Frank entertained.

He wasn't a creep, watching all these people go about their shopping, Frank would reassure himself, he just liked people-watching. It was harmless, and it was actually useful for the customers who, more often than not, needed his help finding something on one of the aisles, no matter how many times they shopped there.

He had become known for his helpfulness in the store, and one of the fastest and most efficient cashiers in the area. Frank was just particularly good at being average, but at least he had fun doing so.

Perhaps all the mundaneness of day to day life was what did it for Frank. Sure he had dreams and aspirations (like anyone else) of his band making it some day, but he was always looking for something more, something achievable, reachable. Whether he knew it or not, he craved something different, excitement, and maybe a little chaos in his regularity.

Perhaps this is what drew him to Gerard.

\---*---

It had been another Tuesday in a particularly damp November, and Frank was at work.

He'd woken at half past eight, showered, dressed, had his breakfast, checked his email, and gotten the bus to work, just like every other day. He'd gotten to work ten minutes early for his shift, had a little catch-up with Ruth and Michael in the break room, as he never saw them on Mondays, and got to work.

He had been tasked with restocking the dairy section and break aisle, as there had apparently been a storm warning on the news, and a large number of people had been panic buying the basics and the store managed hadn't realised just how empty the shelves were.

Fortunately, the dairy refrigerators ran perpendicular to the bread aisle, so he wouldn't need to move around the store too much today. Unfortunately, he had decided to restock the shelves first, and due to his height, he had needed to use a step ladder to restock the taller shelves, meaning he's been repeatedly been traipsing back and forth from the stock trolley, up the steps with arms full of bread loaves, and back down, repeating this process every minute or so for the past two hours. He's worked all this time with only the faint sounds of a popular radio station playing through the store, playing the same top 40 chart songs at least three times over by this point. His arms and calves were burning, and was grateful for his lunch break in fifteen minutes. He'd have to restock the milk after his lunch.

Just as he'd descended the ladder again, glad that he no only needed to shove the rest of the loaves onto the two lower shelves and had no need for the ladder anymore, much to the relief of his legs and vertigo.

He'd just turned to grab some more bread from the large stock trolley, when he heard a small cough behind him, sounding closer to the end of the aisle than to him.

Frank turned around, and saw someone stood looking, a little nervously perhaps, at him, a shopping basket hanging from one hand.

They must have been the one to clear their throat, as he'd barely seen anyone else in the store this morning.

"Hi," he said, smiling, "Can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah," the person said, in a small, delicate voice, coughing again and speaking in a lower voice now, "Sorry, I was just wondering where the almond milk is?"

The person in front of him, Frank now saw, was an interesting and striking figure. Their long legs clad in dark grey skinny jeans, slight build, and the peculiarly length of their choppy brown rooted black hair, hanging below their ears made them look a little androgynous. But the voice told Frank that this was a man, or perhaps a boy? His voice was still a little high for an adult, so perhaps he was a teenager. Why Frank was wondering all this was simply down to his people watching habit, and they way he liked to make up little life stories for the passing strangers.

Frank had noticed how the man had gestured over his shoulder at the dairy refrigerators, and internally sighed. It was the same mistake everyone made, Frank himself included when he was in a particularly forgetful mood.

"Oh, you'll want the tea, coffee and baking aisle. It's not kept in the fridges." He said with a smile, putting the bread on the shelf, crouching a little to make sure all the gaps at the back were filled.

"Oh, okay," said the man, tugging and readjusting the shoulders of his baggy black t-shirt with one of his slim, pale hands, "Could you show me where that is? I-I'm new to the area; I've not been here before."

Frank looked up from his bread arranging and smiled warmly at the man, "Of course. And welcome to Lyndhurst, by the way,"

The two of them started to walk out of the aisle and towards the other end of the shop, Frank leading the way.

"Thanks," the man seemed to perk up a bit, "it's nice to see a friendly face."

"Oh I know! Some of the people in this town are total killjoys," Frank laughed, glad that he seemed to be putting the stranger at ease, "but everyone in this store is friendly enough, don't worry."

"I guess I'll be doing my shopping here then." The man smiled, as they turned down the baking aisle.

"Here we go; almond milk," Frank gestured towards the shelf, before explaining, "Because it's not dairy, it's not kept in the fridge. It's kept with, like, condensed milk and the UHT milk... I don't know how it works, really."

"Well, thanks," the man smiled, reaching for one of the cartons and putting it in his basket.

"I'm Frank, by the way," Frank held out a hand, causing the other man to fumble with his basket, swapping it from his right hand to his left to shake Franks,

"Oh, uh.. I'm Gerard," his grip was almost tentative, but they shook hands regardless. Gerard's hands were cool and slim, with long pale fingers and a somewhat feminine composure.

"Sorry, you just said you were new to the area, thought you could do with a friend?"

"Ha, yeah," Gerard sighed a laugh, "That's sweet of you."

The way Gerard used 'sweet' only added to the slightly feminine air about him, and Frank was sure that heterosexual men didn't use 'sweet' in such a way when talking to other men. Perhaps Gerard had a penchant for men, like Frank did?

"No problem. If you need any help with anything, you know where to find me."

"Sure thing, thanks," Gerard seemed, and Frank found the man's genuine, broad smile suddenly infectious, and he couldn't help but smile back. The strangers grin was crooked, his bottom lip dipping lower in the right than the left, showing small yet perfectly formed and aligned teeth; his eyes (a hazel brighter than his own, Frank now noticed) glittered as the corners of his eyes creased; his nose, slim and pixie-like, upturned a little, twitched with the smile, and Frank found it endearing, and a little attractive, too.

"So, urm..." Gerard mumbled, rocking on his heels a little, smile lingering as Frank's did, "I should probably let you get back to work."

"Oh! Yeah, uh," Frank remembered he was still at work, though only five minutes shy of he lunch break, "Probably." He smiled again, a little shyly now, wiping his hands on his black jeans, "But I'll see you around, yeah?"

"Yeah, of course," Gerard nodded, lips twitching and curling again, "I'm just getting the essentials right now, 'cause I only moved in yesterday and the flat's too much of a mess to fill the pitched cupboards just yet. I just want to be able to have cereal and sandwiches, you know?" He laughed, a rattling giggle almost, eyes sparkling again.

"Ah, I know that feeling... well, like I said, you need anything, I'm here most days."

"Thanks, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for you," Gerard smirked almost, lips pursing in a lopsided twist, flirtatiously tilting his head a little; Gerard was giving off serious vibes to Frank, unless Frank was misconstruing some generally friendly gestures. It had been a while since Frank had simply made friends, rather than met a prospective one night stand.

"I'll see you around, Frank."

"Yeah... see you, Gerard."

Watching Gerard turn and walk away, Frank realised that, wow, Gerard's jeans were pretty tight, the gorgeous curve of his hips outlined by the dark denim as they swayed seductively from side to side with each step. Frank actually found himself hoping to see Gerard around again, and talk to him again properly, which was unusual as most of the interesting people Frank met in the store were not the kind of people you wanted to hold conversations with.

The rest of the day, Frank didn't speak to anyone else, other than Ruth and Michael in the breakroom, so his chat with Gerard lingered on his mind.

The strange pale man with the sparkling eyes was probably the most interesting person he'd met during his time working at the store, other than Maya, the old lady who could apparently read aurors and was permanently concerned by the colour of Franks. Why had his smile been so infectious, his eyes so bright, and how had he left such an impression on Frank? Had he really been flirting, or was Frank just really bad at reading body language? And why was Frank so focused on the way Gerard's fingers had felt in his when they'd shook hands?

Getting home to his average apartment, the street outside already illuminated by the orange street lights, Frank still had Gerard on his mind. While he brewed coffee, while he heated the oven, while he cooked, ate, watched mindless tv, Frank was wondering when he'd seen Gerard again. He was also hoping that he was not developing a fancy for the man he'd met all but one time.


	2. Captivate You

  
  
_"Leaving one city for another making me feel sick_  
_To the stomach but sick in a good way_  
_Cos I'm pushing myself to be more outrageous and I'm on my way to find it."_  
**\- Marmozets**

* * *

 

Wednesday afternoon, Frank had spent his morning working as he normally would, not quite realising that sleep had come and gone, taking with it thoughts of Gerard. He'd spent his lunch break eating his sandwiches, drinking his second coffee of the day, and jotting down songs lyrics and possible songs to cover for band practice that night in his little green notebook, absent mindedly sketching out little hearts and snakes in the white spaces.

It was only when he got back out to the shop floor, and had begun reshuffling the cereal shelves and bringing the older boxes to the front, when a familiar voice sounded on the other side of the aisle. Though he was up on his ladder, he couldn't see over to the other side, but still recognised the voices.

"Um, excuse me? Sorry, do you know where I could find Frank?" Said the first voice, boyish and soft, making Frank smile privately to himself. Gerard had come looking for him, and for some reason this made Frank oddly happy.

"Oh, I should think he's just down the next aisle, hon," said the second voice, unmistakably belonging to Xanthe, an older employee with thinning white blonde hair and a kind, round face, "Though you shouldn't be coming to chit-chat at work!" She teased, and Frank could just imagine her wagging her finger at the pale man.

"I know, I won't keep him long, though."

Footsteps on linoleum followed, and, pretending he hadn't heard the exchange in the adjacent aisle, Frank spotted the dark haired man walk down the aisle from the corner of his eye. He smiled internally, trying the keep a straight face as he occupied himself with the shelf of cornflakes boxes in front of him.

"Hey, Frank." The figure spoke, and Frank turned, looked down on Gerard from his place on the ladder, and smiled warmly.

"Hi Gerard."

"You remembered my name!" Gerard grinned, perhaps thinking that he'd made no impression in Frank at all. Frank grinned in return, leaning on the top of the ladder.

"You remembered mine," Frank retorted, "hang on a sec."

Frank descended the ladder, reaching equal ground with Gerard and dusting his hands off on his maroon work polo. He looked at Gerard, taking in his appearance;

Today, he was wearing black jeans again, looser than yesterdays pair, and a too-big grey t-shirt with a faded band logo on which Frank suspected belonged to The Pixies, under a plain black hoodie. His feet were clad in military style boots, accentuating his slim, toned legs. Look up to his face, the skin was smooth and pale, with no notable marring marks or stubble. His eyes were bright and alive as he smiled at Frank, and his choppy hair cast soft shadows around his cheekbones and brow. There was something in his face that, he had to admit, Frank liked.

"So.., hi," Gerard grinned, hands clasped in front of him, holding the shopping basket against his thighs.

"Hi... So, what can I help you with, and why were you looking for me specifically?"

"Oh, so you heard that?" Gerard said bashfully, but he quickly regained composure, "Well, you said if I needed anything to come find you, plus I have a few things I need help with and I wanted a friendly face."

"Well, that's my job here, I guess, but no one working here bites."

"I should hope so," Gerard laughed, cheeks rosying with a gentle blush, looking away for a second,

"Anyway... I'm looking for the non-alcoholic fake alcohol. After yesterday with the milk thing, I thought I should get some guidance on the whereabouts."

"Fair enough, but," Frank sighed comically, "This time, it's exactly where you'd expect it to be: with the rest of the real alcohol."

Gerard sighed in frustration and amusement, shaking his head, "Of course it would be, wouldn't it? I try to be sensible by asking first, and it's in the most obvious place..." he looked down and shuffled his feet, sighing heavily.

"Ah, don't worry." Frank laughed sympathetically, "It's not your fault this place has a less than reasonable layout," he reached out and lightly touched Gerard's arm, "Look, I'll show you where it is."

Frank and a now slightly bashful and awkward Gerard made their way to the far corner of the store, and Frank showed his pale companion where the non-alcoholic beers and such were; low on the shelves near the soft drinks and ginger beer.

"Here we go," Frank sighed, crouching down to be at eye-level with the bottles and cans, "What is it you're looking for? Beer, fruit cider, wine?"

Gerard crouched down too, surveying the bottles with his sparkling eyes.

In profile, Gerard was rather attractive still, Frank thought. His jawline was very smooth, with no shadow of stubble, and no sharp, masculine lines; his cheeks were softly rounded with high cheekbones, shaded by shadows from his hair; the edges of his lips were sharp, his nose perfectly pointed and upturned, and his eyes framed by long, dark lashes. He was actually quite pretty for a man, and very youthful.

"Beers and wine, I think," he mumbled, half to Frank and half to himself, reaching for a couple of bottles and cans and putting the, into his basket.

He really did look very young, and the way his voice sounded so soft lead Frank to think that maybe he wouldn't be able to buy the drinks.

"You know," Frank started, standing up as Gerard picked up and now rather heavy basket of drinks, "You're still going to need an ID for those. It's stupid but you still need to be 21 to buy them because they're from the alcohol aisle."

"What?" Gerard laughed in shock, "they're alcohol free, that's ridiculous!"

"I know, but it's the law. They count as alcoholic for some reason. Unless you're 21, you won't be able to buy those."

"Well, it's a good thing I have ID with me then, because I must not look my age." Gerard smirked, knowing something Frank didn't. Frank raised an eyebrow, and the black haired man carried on, "I'm twenty seven."

Frank was surprised, "Wow, I would have put you closer to twenty, personally!"

"Because I look twenty," Gerard cocked an eyebrow, tilting his head like he had the day before, "or because you want me to be twenty?"

Frank suddenly found himself a little flustered. Gerard was point-blank flirting with him, and not even being subtle now. He was struck dumb, which made Gerard laugh a little.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel awkward, Frank, I was just messing." That made Frank's heart sink a little, but Gerard's laugh kept him smiling.

"No, no, it's fine. Really," he grinned, hoping he could convey that, no, really, it was more than okay to him.

"Oh, well okay then, but I am actually twenty seven. I have my drivers license, so I'll be fine" Gerard nodded and went back to normal now, readjusting his grip on the shopping basket, "There is something else I need to ask of you."

"Fire away," Frank shrugged and nodded, smiling expectantly.

"I managed to sort out my apartment yesterday and I'm actually having a bit of a house warming thing tonight, hence the drinks," he lifted the basket a little, "and I'm struggling to make up the numbers. I was thinking, well... you seem like a nice guy, maybe you'd want to join us?"

Frank was a little surprised that, after knowing him for one day and barely having spoken to each other, Gerard was willing to invite an almost total stranger into his home. Before he could respond though, Gerard spoke again,

"It'll just be a few of my friend, but if you think it's weird, me inviting you, then it's fine. I mean," he huffed a laugh, "You don't even know me, so... yeah," he shuffled his feet and shrugged, "The offer's there."

"No, no, i get it," Frank nodded and smiled, "You're new to the area, it's cool. I'd love to, actually," Gerard perked up a bit at Frank's words, until Frank said, "but I'm actually busy tonight. Almost any other night, and I'd be there, no question."

"Oh, alright," Gerard smiled, but only to be polite; there was no hiding the disappointment in his soft voice, "Another time then, maybe."

The way Gerard said that like he expected Frank to come up with more excuses, should he ever ask him out again, made Frank feel awful, and that he owed an explanation.

"No, I am actually busy... I have a band, our rehearsals are on Wednesday nights, and we really need tonight's practice because we're playing a gig on Friday..."

It was just then that Frank had a thought.

"Hey, why don't you come along on Friday?"

Gerard's look of disappointment changed into one of curiosity.

"Come on," Frank smirked, "We could get drinks then, and it'd be a chance for you to meet some of the locals seeing as you're new in town. Good music," Frank said in a singsong voice, bouncing on the balls of his feet and watching Gerard's lips curl in amusement, "couple of drinks, good company... It'll be fun, so long as you like punk music?"

Gerard smirked, "Misfits?"

Now was Frank's turn to smirk, "Yep! Black Flag?"

"Yes!" Gerard's eye's lit up, his voice getting a little higher and stronger, eyes alight.

"Well then," Frank was feeling a little smug now, "So long as you're not busy on Friday, you'll be meeting me at The Hatter's Hollow bar in town at about eight?"

"Hhmm," Gerard hummed, pretending to think it over, though his smile and the sparkle in his eyes told Frank he'd already decided, "Well... I suppose I can spare a night from my busy social calendar... But, just so you know, I don't drink, hence the, uh," he laughed and pointed in the basket, "non-alcoholic alcohol."

"Not even a little bit?" Frank teased, to which Gerard shook his head.

"No, it's, urm... medical reasons..." His voice petered out a little and looked away, quickly slapping a smile back on his youthful face and shrugging, "I don't drink, not even a little bit. But do not think that makes me dull."

"Hadn't even crossed my mind," Frank felt a little sympathetic towards Gerard now; lots of people had lots of reasons for not drinking, and that was fine. They didn't need to justify their life choices to anyone, let alone someone like him.

"So, it's a date then," Frank smiled his own crooked smile, watching as Gerard's own wonky smile graved his pale face, eye crinkling, "or... whatever you want it to be."

"Alright then," he nodded, "So, Friday, Hatter's Hollow at eight?"

"I'll have an orange juice waiting for you."

"Thanks. Now," Gerard reached forwards and prodded Frank gently in the shoulder, "You ought to get back to work, I won't keep you longer."

With that, Gerard turned and started to walk away, throwing a quick, sweet smile over his shoulder at Frank.

"See you Friday then,"

Gerard turned to look at Frank, walking backwards and waving, "See you on Friday," and then turned around again, walking a little further and turned down one of the aisles, disappearing from sight.

Frank was left feeling strange. The point on his left shoulder felt like he'd suffered a small electric shock, making his arm and fingers feel like they had strings attached when he tried wiggling them to rid them of the peculiar sensation.

It was like a jump start to his nervous system, that feeling when the prom queen or football captain walks into you, turns and flashes an apologetic smile and says sorry. It was a teenage crush all over again.

\---*---

That night at the makeshift garage studio, Frank practiced and played his guitar with a fiery passion, but not the same kind he used on stage. He didn't throw himself around the room, leaning on bass player Shaun when he exerted himself too much, screaming into the mic, mouth salivating and spitting on the cold concrete.

This passion was precise, determined, calculated and concentrated. This was Frank practicing, playing, repeating and learning every line, chord, beat and rest down to the tee, before he could even consider letting lose wig his own brand and fantastic musical chaos.

He needed to be prepared for Friday, and he felt like he'd reciting lyrics and practicing finger placements in his sleep until then. He would never normally give such a damn about a gig at the Hatter's Hollow, but this time, he knew who would be there.

He could handle the heat, the lights, the noise, the drunks in the crowd, but Frank wasn't letting that heart attack in black hair dye get the better of him.


	3. Back and Forth

__  
  
'Holding my breath I waited and waited  
_How'd the simple life get so complicated?_  
_Shoes to fill, secrets to spill down you'_  
**\- Back & Forth, Foo Fighters**  
  


* * *

 

Thursday ran disappointingly smoothly for Frank

He had woken up with a headache, like every Thursday, but it was a smaller headache than usual thanks to his self control at band practice the previous night, and was easily banished by two advil and a mug of sweet coffee.

Work passed without a hitch, which left Frank a little down heartened, as the only 'hitches' he'd had for the past few days had been Gerard-based.

He thought he'd glimpsed Gerard at one point, but it just happened to be someone with similar hair, wearing a hoodie.

Frank tried to pretend that he wasn't as disappointed as he really was about not having seen Gerard, but he wasn't kidding anyone, especially not himself.

Friday had started normally, with that underlying buzz of excitement in Frank's system in anticipation of the gig tonight. This just added to the buzz of seeing Gerard that night, leaving Frank wishing today would go by faster than yesterday.

At work, Frank had his usual duties to attend to; shelf stacking, two hours on the tills, signing for one of the stock deliveries, bit again, there was no sign of Gerard.

There was, however, an appearance by one the pleasantly nutty regulars.

Frank couldn't have been stood out on the shop floor for two minutes even before a small, delicate figure found its way over to his shoulder, silently waiting for him to take notice.

He turned and looked at the figure, know who she was and smiling softly.

"Good afternoon, Maya," Frank greeted the willowy woman, draped in her usual numerous technicolour scarves, "How're you today?"

"Oh, I am fine, I am fine," she said in her soft Romani accent, smiling widely, huge pale eyes wrinkling up at the corners, "but how are you, lovely?"

"I'm very well, thank you." Frank nodded to her, briefly turning to put two more tins on the shelf, but Maya stopped him with an olive skinned hand on his forearm.

"No no no, lovely, how are you, not how is your health!"

This made Frank stop and think for a moment. He slowly put one tin on the shelf as he thought for a moment.

"Urm... I'm okay. I'm excited for tonight because my band is playing in town, I'm content with everything else-"

"But there's confusion!" Maya cut in, peering up at him with iridescent eyes, "You are content, but it is reliant on another. Be careful, my lovely, do not put your happiness in the hands of another, especially this one," she pulled him a little closer, signalling to whisper in his ear. Frank leaned closer, intrigued, "This one too has conflict in them! They are good but something does not sit right..."

With that, she gently patted his arm, and turned away, pottering off down the aisle without another word.

Before, Maya's messages for Frank had been so vague that they could have applied to anyone, but this one was more specific, and a little more bazaar.

Frank did have to admit, there was something about Gerard that was a little out of the ordinary, but for the life of him Frank could not put his finger on what it was. Something about Gerard intrigued him to want to know more, but now with Maya's message, Frank almost didn't want to find out what it was.

Regardless, Frank was still buzzing for the gig tonight, and for seeing Gerard, and nothing could harsh that.

  
\---*---

  
It had taken longer than expected to get all their gear into the bar and set up. The back entrance was closed after there had been an incident with the delivery truck in the week, so they had needed to drag their instruments, amps, and the rest of their setup through the crowds in the bar which proved more problematic than one might realise.

But, by eight, everything was set up and ready to go. Frank had timed it so that Gerard would arrive while they were on stage, an orange juice waiting for him at the bar, and time to think of decent conversation that he was comfortable with.

When stage call came, Frank was jittery from the adrenaline, his fingers itching for the strings of his guitar and the grip on the mic.

The stage was small and the lighting rig basic, but the brightness still half blinded him, obscuring his view of the door and the bar.

Well, at least Gerard wouldn't be a distraction.

Frank played with his heart and soul, putting as much effort into every song, through all their own songs, right up until the final line of their cover of Resurrection by Misfits. In his stage frenzy, Frank thrashed and spun, spat and near enough shredded his fingers when he dropped his plectrum half way through The Secret Goldfish, but he carried on, determined to be the perfect showman tonight.

At just gone nine, weary, sweaty, breathless and adrenaline filled, Frank and the rest of Pencey Prep made their way off the stage, thanking the audience to a few whoops and cheers. Frank's shirt was pretty much soaked through, and was more than glad that he'd brought a spare.

He was also thankful that he was such good friends with the landlord, Andrew, and that they could safely leave their instruments until the following morning.

After quickly whipping off his sweat soaked shirt, towelling himself off a little, reapplying his deodorant, and tugging on the clean shirt, he made his way over the the bar in the hopes of seeing Gerard.

And he was not disappointed.

There was the slender man, leaning on the bar and looking around and sipping his drink carefully. He hadn't spotted Frank yet, giving the younger man a chance to take in his appearance:

He was wearing a well cut leather jacket, the same glossy jet as his hair, which looked freshly redyed. Under his jacket was a loose dusty red t-shirt, his legs clad in black skinny jeans like always, along with his scuffed up combat boots. He looked as pale as ever in the dim light of the bar, his lashes cashing shadows and making it look as though he was wearing makeup. His thin lips were the same candy pink as the first time they'd met, and very smooth looking tonight.

"Hey, Gerard," Frank called out as soon as he was close enough to be heard, as Gerard still hadn't spotted him, "Over here!"

Gerard whipped his head around to look at Frank, and his vacant expression broke out in a huge grin, eye twinkling in the bar light.

"Frank, hey!"

Gerard panicked with his drink for a moment, setting it down on the bar, going to pick it up again, changing his mind, and wiping his hands on the thighs his jeans, all in the space of less than two seconds.

Frank grinned at Gerard's fluster, but quickly found himself having his own internal panic. Was Gerard going to go for a hug, or a hand shake, or anything at all? Did he now like people touching him, or was he really friendly? How in the hell was Frank supposed to greet him when they reached touching distance?

Gerard didn't seem to be getting up from where he was, he was just sitting pretty on the bar stool. The way his hands rested on his knees struck an oddly feminine figure, but Frank didn't mind. He was attractive like that; aesthetically pleasing.

"How are you?" Frank opted for a gentle hand on Gerard's shoulder as he stepped up to the bar.

"I'm good, yeah. Great set!"

"You think so?" Frank smirked, leaning on the bar, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah! Were those original songs?"

"Uh, yeah. My lyrics, a few of my riffs, but the songs are mostly a group effort."

"You guys are actually so good! I mean, I was expecting something good, but you really hit it out of the park with at Misfits cover!"

"So did we do it justice?" Frank teased, quite liking the praise he was receiving from the bright eyed man, and the way Gerard was almost glowing with happiness and sincerity.

For the next ten minutes or so, while they each sipped at drinks, (Frank being respectful and wanting to keep some self control by only having a coke) they spoke about music, bands, gigs they'd been to and who they still wanted to see live. They only spoke for such a short time because Frank's cigarette craving was driving him to distraction. He was courteous though, and waited until they'd reached a reasonable pause point in the conversation, before setting his now empty glass on the bar and fishing in his pocket, checking that his lighter and cigarettes hadn't fallen out on stage.

"Sorry, Gerard," Frank said during a natural pause, "I hope you don't mind, but I am desperate for a smoke. Do you... what to step out with me, or..." Frank didn't know if Gerard smoked or even approved of it and would rather stay inside away from the fumes.

"Actually, I'm gagging for one too," Gerard gracefully slipped off the barstool and readjusted his jacket, "shall we?"

Frank laughed a little at Gerard's eagerness, "I think we shall."

The November air had lost it's damp touch that had lingered over the last week or so, but the sharp chill still bit at Frank's ears and nose, making the hairs on his arms stand up. He might still have been warm from exerting himself on stage, but even that was fading fast against the low temperatures.

"Jesus Christ, it's fucking cold!" Frank exclaimed, wrapping his arms around himself after fishing his cigarettes from his pocket.

"Oh I hadn't noticed," said Gerard almost smugly, "I guess I dressed for the weather." He threw a smarmy grin in Frank's direction, and earned a 'tssk' noise and a fumbling of fast numbing fingers to open the cigarette pack.

"Screw you, Gerard," Frank muttered jokingly, placing a cigarette between his lips. Gerard muttered something too quiet for Frank to hear, as the younger man pulled the lighter from his pocket, clicking it fast.

Unfortunately, after only trying to light it twice, it broke, the metal breaking away from the the plastic casing.

"Ah, shit," Frank mumbled, "Hey, Gerard, can I borrow a light?"

"Sure thing," Gerard held out the lighter, speaking with his own lit cigarette clamped between one side of his lips. Instead of handing it to Frank though, he flicked it and sparked up the flame. Frank looked at him in a curious way, thinking this an odd way to offer a light, but leaned in anyway, cigarette in the flame, as he continued to watch Gerard. Frank did that this opportunity to flirt a little; he looked up at Gerard as he'd bent down the the lighter, and purposefully hollowed his cheeks as he inhaled, scrunching his face as he pulled away and exhaled. Even after he'd blown the smoke back out, a few wisps drifted from his lips as he spoke, "Thanks... I think mine must have broken on stage."

"I wouldn't be surprised," Gerard laughed, "You were really going for it up there."

"I give it my all when it comes to my passions! Singing, guitar, love making..."

Frank smirked at Gerard, maybe a little more suggestively than he had intended, while he wondered why in the hell he had just said that out loud.

"Oh really?" Gerard raised an eyebrow, returning the look Frank had just given him.

"Uh-huh, I either give it my all or nothing at all. I'm a passionate man."

"Well, if you love doing the things you love doing, why were you only drinking Coke?"

"Oh... well," Frank scratched his neck, waving his cigarette around in the other hand, "I know you don't drink, and I didn't want to, like, taunt you or anything."

"Frank, you don't need to not drink on my account. I don't want to drink anyway, it's fine." He smiled sweetly, cheeks rosy from the cold.

"That's good to know," Frank nodded to him, grinning, "But I don't really want to drink tonight anyway."

"Would you normally?"

"Yeah, but, I didn't want to make an ass of myself tonight."

"Do you normally make a drunk ass of yourself, and why not tonight?"

"Well... hm," Frank thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to explain what he meant, taking a drag, "Even when I'm just a little bit tipsy, I can get kinda... handsy? I lose my personal boundaries and violate other peoples', basically."

"I wouldn't mind you violating a few of my boundaries..." Gerard muttered, loud enough for Frank to hear this time. The younger man was caught off-guard and turned to look at him. Gerard was just leaning against the wall, cool as a cucumber, smoke drifting from his lips, stark and pale against the backdrop of the dark night sky.

With this, Frank became a little braver. Gerard was interested.

This might have been one of those nights where he'd pick someone up for a one night stand, but this would have also bee one of those nights where he might have been too drunk to remember their name in the morning. Frank didn't want just another one night stand, he knew that much. Beyond that, he only knew that he wanted Gerard.

Stepping to the wall and leaning against it, Frank made sure he was close enough to Gerard to reach out and touch him. His hand was hanging conveniently close to the older man's thigh, so he made his move.

Reaching across the small space between them, Frank brushed the back of his finger up Gerard's thigh, pressing against the denim oh-so cautiously.

This had a peculiar effect; Gerard dropped his cigarette.

"Oh, shit..." Gerard muttered, looking at where the fading embers lay on the slightly damp sidewalk.

"Sorry," Frank said, moving from the wall to stand in front of Gerard, "here, have mine."

Frank held out the cigarette to Gerard, but did the same as he had done with the lighter; he didn't let go.

Holding he cigarette out, clamped between his fingers, Frank and Gerard watched each other in a very calculated way, before the older man leaned forwards and took the filter in his lips.

The way frank was holding the cigarette meant that Gerard's lips were pressed against Frank's fingers, pretty pink and pursed.

As he inhaled, the tip burning bright in the yellow street light, he shut his eyes and hollowed his cheeks, just like frank had done. It seemed they were playing a game now, toying with each other until one of them broke. Gerard's lashes were long, and think and dark, fanning out and casting feathered shadows. As he opened his eyes, Frank saw that Gerard's eyes were now dark, shaded with blown pupils, and watching Frank carefully.

"Thanks," Gerard whispered, not needing to raise his voice as he and Frank stood so close. A pale cloud escaped his lips with this single word, and Frank was captivated.

The yellow street light stuck Gerard's cheekbone with streaks of gold, his mottled hazel eyes lined elegantly with those dark lashes, lips looking as inviting as the cigarette between them. Frank licked his lips, bringing the filter to his lips now, "You're welcome."

Taking in not even half a lung full of the fumes, Frank could taste Gerard on the filter, the sweetness of the orange juice teasing him.

'Fuck it', Frank thought, flicking away the half smoked cigarette.

Gerard wasn't watching Frank now. He was leaning against the wall, hands in pockets, head down, hair hiding his face. But Frank wanted to see his face. He needed to see his face.

He stepped closer, until their feet were almost touching, and Gerard looked up at Frank through his bangs. Now that they could see each other, it was easy to see what they both wanted.

Gerard stood up straighter and removed his hands from his jacket, inviting Frank closer with a smirk and a lick of his lips.

Almost chest to chest, their faces so close that there noses brushed, ashy breath mixing together in the ever warming air between them. Frank looked over Gerard's face, his lips, his smooth skin, unturned nose, and then looked up into Gerard's eyes, finding the older man already watching him. His gaze was heavy lidded and flirtatious, but there was still a hesitant hitch in his breath when Frank edged his lips close.

Frank couldn't bear it anymore, and, slowly closing his eyes, gently pressed his lips to Gerard's, testing to see if there was a spark between them that he so wanted there to be. It was only a short moment before he felt Gerard pressing back against him, relaxing at Frank's touch, melting against the wall.

As Frank pulled back a little, he felt Gerard's hands snake up between them, taking hold of the front of his t-shirt and pulling him back into the kiss. The fact that they were so close, with only Gerard's forearms as a barrier between their chests, meant Frank had to put his hand on the wall beside Gerard's head, leaning as close as they could get.

Their lips moved against each others differently to any kiss Frank had had before, especially in the past year or so. He wasn't drunk, Gerard wasn't drunk, this kiss was full of want, but not sheer lust. This kiss was passionate but gentle, with sweet, barely-there tongue. Gerard tasted of fresh smoke and citrus, not stale cigarettes and cheap liquor, and Frank knew this wasn't going to lead to anything tonight, and he didn't want it to either.

They kissed like this for a while, Frank slipping one hand behind Gerard's back, pulling his hips a little closer in their embrace.

Suddenly, Gerard seemed to roll his hips into Frank's and squeak in surprise at his own action.

"Mmph!" Gerard's pulled out of the kiss, resting his head back against the wall and smiling shyly at Frank, cheeks flushed and lips pink, "I, um... god, I'm sorry. I just-"

"No, no, hey..." Frank laughed, moving his hand from the wall and brushing the hair from Gerard's bashful face, "Let me guess... It's been a while, right?"

"I guess you could say that, yeah," He laughed sheepishly, flashing a sweet smile, "It's been... I've been having a crazy time of it for a while."

"You know," Frank started, his hand still stroking over the locks of Gerard's hair tucked behind his ear, "I know you're new to the area, and if you've had a crazy few months, and you're still moving in and stuff... this, us, doesn't have to be anything. I mean, you're a really good looking guy, but if you're not looking for a relationship, I.. I'd respect that, and I won't expect anything else from you."

Gerard watched him with an expression that, to Frank, looked to be a mix of surprise and sadness. Frank really hoped that he hadn't said something wrong, that he might have made Gerard think he didn't want to date him.

Oddly though, Gerard's lips curled into a smile, albeit a sad one, as his eyes brimmed with small tears.

"You're the first person to show me any kind of friendship since I moved here, you know," he sniffled, laughing a bit, "I mean, I was lugging boxes up two flights of stairs at my new building, and people just walked right past me! I had to call my brother and a friend out from Belleville to help me because I knew no one else was going to. Seriously, you're one of only about three people who have even smiled at me in the past week."

"Well I said the other day, if you need anything... a friend, a helping hand, a non-alcoholic drinking buddy," they both laughed softly, "then you know where to find me."

Frank was a little down heartened that Gerard only seemed to speak of friendship, but he totally understood. If Gerard had a lot going on, then a relationship would be the last of his worries.

"I know," Gerard smiled, letting go of Frank's shirt, resting one hand on his shoulder and using the other to wipe his eyes, "But... you're also the first guy to show any kind of interest in me for.... well, a long time. I'm talking, like, two years," he looked up at Frank, a small, flirtatious smirk playing on his lips, "I've been pretty lonely, you know."

"I think you have my attention," Frank winked, and earned a small laugh in return, "So... what're you saying?"

"I'm saying..." Gerard paused for a moment, rubbing his hands over Frank's shoulders, "that I think I like you, and I hope you like me back?" The first part was a statement, but the second half was a question to Frank. Gerard's sultry look, his bright eyes, those lips, still kiss swollen, gave Frank only one answer to give in return.

Moving his hand from where in had been resting on Gerard's shoulder, fingers grazing his neck, Frank threaded his fingers into the long dark locks on the back of Gerard's head, and pulled him a little closer. Quickly, he connected their lips again, a fast, wanting kiss, no more than a few moments long, but still enough for Gerard to melt in Frank's arms and kiss back.

"I don't want this," Frank started, forehead resting against Gerard's, "To be a one night thing. I like you too, Gerard. You're.... there's something about you."

"There's more about me than you could know," he sighed, almost sadly, "I'll tell you sometime, but... let's see if there's an 'us' first, yeah?"

"Whenever you're ready," Frank brushed his nose against Gerard's, "I can wait..."

Frank kissed him again, slower this time, trying to show he wasn't going to try anything. He felt Gerard smiling against his lips as they kissed, holding onto his shoulders as Frank kept his arm hooked around Gerard's middle.

Soon, the cold got too much for even Gerard in his jacket, and they disappeared back inside. Sharing a few drinks and just talking to another person was more fun than Frank remembered. He and Gerard spoke about music, hobbies, where Gerard was looking for work. Intelligent conversations had been more or less absent from Frank's life for a while, and Gerard's little quirks and mannerisms, like the way one side of his mouth dipped lower when he laughed, made everything that little bit better, and made Frank smile that little bit brighter.

As the night wore on, Frank found himself growing sleepy. Not tired; tired meant early mornings and not enough coffee to function. He was sleepy; warm on the inside and content to curl up and dream peacefully. His dreams tonight would surely be filled with Gerard and his sweet, smokey, citrus kisses.

When they did finally leave the bar, Gerard explained that he'd gotten a cab over, and very sweetly asked Frank if he could have a lift home. Of course, there was no way Frank could, or even wanted to, say no. The drive was short, quiet, and comfortable, and Frank found that Gerard only lived a few streets away from him.

Gerard's apartment building was a pretty, three floored, townhouse style building, with decoratively railed balconies and window boxes on the ground floor. Frank had driven past the building a few times before, and even at night, he thought it looked like a nice, friendly, safe place to live.

"So, this is me then," Gerard smiled, unclipping his seatbelt and turning to Frank, "It was really nice of you to invite me out tonight, I've had a really great time."

"It was my pleasure, really," Frank turned in his seat, "I mean, I couldn't make it to your house warming party, the least I could do was take you out for drinks."

"You didn't need to pay for my drinks though."

"It was the least I could do!" Frank said again, "I wanted to, anyway. And I want to take you out again, if you'll let me?"

Gerard's smile broke into a full blown grin as he looked away shyly, seeming to giggle a little, "I'd, uh... yes, I'll let you."

Frank couldn't help but smile like a Cheshire cat at Gerard's bashful laugh, "So that's a yes, you'll go on a date with me?"

"Yes, that's a yes!" Gerard laughed again, reaching over and prodding Frank's shoulder like he had done two days before, "So shall I give you my number?"

"Oh yeah! Of course!" Frank quickly fumbled to pull his phone from his pocket, handing it to Gerard, who typed in his number with a small smile gracing his face. Handing it back to Frank with his small sweet smile, he asked in a smooth but demure voice, "Walk me to my door?"

Frank cut the engine and stepped out, walking around to join Gerard on the sidewalk. The path to the front door of the building was around the side under a smoking shelter. No one else was outside, but it was cold, and it was nearing midnight now, and Frank was glad that they could have a few moments of privacy before the night was over.

"Thanks for coming out tonight," Frank said as they reached the door, "I was worried you wouldn't show."

"Oh, come on... a good looking guy asks me out to a bar to see his band play; how could I say no?"

"Uh... by standing me up?" Frank joked, earning an eyeroll from Gerard.

"Now why would I want to do that?" Gerard murmured, bringing his face close to Frank's and hooking a finger in the neck of the shorter man's t-shirt, tugging him into a kiss. The way Gerard kissed him made Frank's hands go for the man's hips, feeling the soft swell of Gerard's flesh at the waistband of his jeans. The way Gerard was kissing him, slow, passionate, smooth tongued and careful, made Frank feel a little braver, encouraging him to move a hand around and slip it into Gerard's back pocket, cupping his rounded ass.

Frank gave a gentle squeeze, pressing his hips against Gerard's as he did so, making the older man squeak in surprise. The high-pitched sound of surprise turned into a gentle moan as Gerard's arms slipped around Frank's neck, holding close for a moment before pulling away from the kiss. Frank's eyes shot open, watching as Gerard's pupils quickly dilated and retracted again, his breathing a little uneven, lips shining and flushed red. In the dim light, he looked so pale and beautiful to Frank.

"I'm sorry, Frank," he said softly, smiling shyly and running his hands back over Frank's shoulders, gently pushing against his chest, "tonight's got to end here."

"Oh, I-I'm sorry, did I do-"

"No, you didn't do anything," he smiled and shook his head as they stepped apart, "You said you didn't want this to be a one-night thing. I, uh, shouldn't have just done that."

"No, no, I get that. It's fine, don't worry," Frank smiled, reaching for Gerard's hand and gently grasping his fingers, "So... I've got your number. I'll just... call you whenever."

"Sooner rather than later, though," Gerard grinned, before leaning in a placing a soft kiss on the corner of Frank's mouth, "Goodnight, Frank."

"Goodnight, Gerard."

The drive back home was quiet. Frank didn't bother putting the stereo on; he was too deep in thought.

'This one too has conflict in them,' Maya had said, 'They are good but something does not sit right'. If what the doddery old lady had said held any truth, what did it mean? Gerard himself had said that he had a lot going on, that he'd tell Frank one day. Surely it couldn't have been something so serious that a mystic would pick up on it?

But, then again, Frank reasoned to himself, Gerard seemed so perfect from the outside, there had to be something inside his pretty head.

Nothing so good came without a catch.


	4. Signals

_'They're looking at us out here,_  
_And watching with a grin_  
_And we know how it feels to_  
_To come and let them in'_  
**\- Signals, Mallory Knox**  
  
  


* * *

 

"So, Frank," Andrew, the bar owner, leaned on the lighting rig, "Who was that piece of A you left with last night?"

Frank stopped dead where he was, arms full of bundles of guitar cables, and gave Andrew a somewhat warning look,

"He is an actual person, you know, not just something good to look at."

Frank, and the slightly hungover rest of Pencey Prep were back at the Hatters Hollow, packing up their equipment from the night before and bundling it into Franks practically antique car that was only ever used to move the equipment from home to venues and vice versa. Of course, last night Frank had used his beloved motor to drive Gerard home too, which he was more than happy to do.

After he'd returned home himself, Frank had showered and gone straight to bed, worn out from the show and full of a happy glow brought on by Gerard. Gerard wasn't like any guy Frank had kissed before. He'd only had two boyfriends in the past, and they'd both been fairly butch. Gerard was sweet and gentle. At times it seemed like his passion took hold of his demeanor a little, but everything from the way his body moved, to the taste of his lips, was softer and was very appealing to Frank.

"So, who is he then?"

"His name's Gerard. I just... met him." Frank mumbled, walking past to take the cables outside to his car. Unfortunately for him, keyboard player Shaun was following him out.

"You're pretty defensive about this guy, aren't you?" He asked, readjusting his case strap in his shoulder, "I'm guessing this wasn't just other hookup then?"

"Not really... Plus, it's barely a thing anyway," Frank shrugged, "He's pretty new to the town, so he kinda needs to get settled first, you know?"

"Oh, right." Shaun was quiet for a moment as he put his keyboard in the car, "So, wasn't he the guy you wanted time alone with, why you kind of abandoned us lot?"

"Yeah, sorry about that. I just met him at work, he seemed nice, he invited me to a housewarming party and I couldn't go, so I invited him out for drinks. It was a friendly thing to do."

"Well it's a good thing you didn't go to his house, he might be a psycho," Shaun mused, fishing in his pocket for the menthol cigarettes that he loved, but Frank hated.

"Gerard is not a psycho, he's sweet. We had a few drinks, I drove him home, we said goodnight, and that was that."

"Quite the gentleman, aren't we, Iero?" Shaun added with a sly grin, "You'll be gagging to get in his pants soon enough."

Frank didn't know why he was quite so disgusted with the way everyone was talking about Gerard, but it was starting to annoy him. He decided to just walk away, leaving Shaun to his cigarette.

Back inside, Frank's other band mates, Tim, Neil and John, were all stood around chatting with Andrew. Everything other than Tim's drum kit had been loaded into Frank's car by now, and he managed to get them all to carry the cases out in more or less one go.

Frank wasn't really in the mood to hang around with the guys for long, as they kept plaguing him with questions and comments about Gerard; it seemed that they'd all see the two of them leave together the previous night, and none of them would hear Frank out. So he left.

\---*---

The spare room in Frank's apartment was too small to allow space for anything other than a bed and a very small chest of drawers. It was, however, the perfect size to store all the bands equipment and instruments. And, as he was the only one of the band to not have a live-in partner or any pets, it was his job to look after everything between rehearsals.

Only being on the first floor of the apartment block was a blessing in itself, though moving a drum kit alone was a task and a half. Half an hour of equipment-lugging later, Frank was more than ready to do nothing for the rest of the day.

He quickly found that he was hungry. He then found that he was too lazy to get anything himself, and was badly craving the hot rich coffee they sold in the coffee shop down the street.

Though it was technically part of the gas station, Mara's was the most popular coffee shop in Lyndhurst. There was a small Starbucks o the highstreet and even that wasn't as popular as Mara's. With home made sandwiches, cakes and confectionery and always fresh coffee, tea from loose leaf and hot chocolate to rival any bought in shops, it was a beautiful family owned business and had been going strong for around seventy five years.

It was Frank's winter hide away. Unfortunately, the original owner Mara had died a few years ago, but her daughter and her daughters were friendly, homely people, and knew Frank well since he'd grown up in the town. Mara's granddaughters, Elise and Scarlett, had been a few years above Frank at school, and their mother, Mara's daughter, Theresa, had known Frank when he was a teenager, and always had a smile for him.

Despite it being winter, Frank's recent visits had been few and far between, and he felt like he owed them some custom

For a Saturday lunchtime, Mara's was surprisingly empty. There was a couple in one corner, a guy with a laptop in another, and two girls sat closer to the counter chatting and laughing at something on one of their phones. The counter was unattended as Frank approached it, but the sounds of someone moving boxes around were clearly audible from the back room. Not wanting to be rude, Frank waited for a little while, hoping the barista would come back out soon, but he had to resort to ringing the small bell on the countertop.

There was a small thud from the back room, followed by an 'Ow! Son of a... I'll be right with you!"

The voice was almost feminine and rather familiar, and Frank's face split into a grin when he saw the lightly blushing face appear from around the door.

"I'll be right... Frank!"

"Gerard, hi! I didn't know you worked here!"

"Oh, I, uh... this is actually my first day. I was just," he jabbed a thumb at the door to the back room, "getting my bearings. And some more coffee." He held up a packet of coffee grounds to illustrate his point.

"Aw that's really great! You're getting settled fast, aren't you?"

"Yep! I actually handed out some CV's the first day we met. None of the other places took me on, and most didn't even respond, even though they'd all been advertising for 'holiday staff urgently needed'," he laughed, shaking his head, "This is the only place that'd hire me, but I love coffee and I get a free one every shift, so it's all good."

"Oh, well it turned out pretty good then!" Frank smiled, Gerard smiling his own crooked smile in return, "Speaking of coffee," he continued, "I was kinda hoping to buy one?"

"Oh yeah, of course, sorry," Gerard flapped his hands a little as he looked behind him at the machine, then back at Frank, "What can I get you?"

Frank suppressed a laugh as Gerard's brief panic, "Just a black coffee, thanks."

"Sure thing," Gerard smiled, turning to the machine, pouring the new coffee grounds into one part and flicking a switch on another part.

"That's one dollar eighty, please." Frank handed the fist of shrapnel over to Gerard, thankful for his lack of organisation when it came to putting change back in his wallet and instead putting it into his coat pocket.

"So..." Gerard rocked on the balls of his feet, "about last night?" He kept his voice low, probably for fear of the other cafe occupants hearing them.

"We don't need to talk about this right now... unless you want to?"

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being all kinda... all over the place, you know?"

"Oh, no, it's fine," Frank smiled, "I barely noticed anyway, and you seem like you have stuff going on anyway. You don't need to explain, seriously."

"You're too much of a nice guy, Frank," Gerard smiled sweetly and turned away to pour the coffee.

"See, I didn't think being 'too nice' was a thing, but apparently giving a near-stranger a lift home at midnight is dangerous?"

"Who said that?" Gerard frowned as he set the coffee cup down on the counter.

"Our keyboard player, Shaun. He said I was lucky you're not a psycho."

"Even if I was, you were driving. Why would I try to hurt someone as cute as you if they were driving me home?"

"Oh so I'm cute?" Frank raised a mocking eyebrow, making Gerard blush and laugh.

"Yeah... Yeah, you're cute, Frank." He practically giggled, having to look away. This just made Frank laugh as he shifted his weight.

"Well you're cute, too, Gerard. Say... are you doing anything Tuesday night?"

"Urm, I don't think so. Why do you ask?" He smirked, leaning on the countertop.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out, do something together?"

"A date, you mean?"

"Yes a date," Frank rolled his eyes and grinned, "so... yes or no?"

"So long as nothing comes up, I'm all yours, Frank."

"Excellent! So... I'll let you know Tuesday morning when I'll pick you up, yeah?"

"It's a date." Gerard smiled widely, the corner of his bottom lip dipping as he did so, tucking a wayward lock of hair behind his ear.

"Gerard," another familiar voice called from behind Frank, a chill draft blowing through the room from the door being opened, "I leave you for five minutes and you're flirting with customers?"

Theresa bustled over, her words clearly lighthearted as Gerard smiled shyly, at her, before she saw Frank stood there.

"Oh, Frank! It's been a while since I've seen you in here."

"Hey Terri," Frank raised a hand in greeting, "I know, my Saturday hangovers have just been really bad these past few weeks."

Theresa tutted at Frank as she made her way around behind the counter, sidling past Gerard.

She was a small woman, getting a little pudgy in her advancing age, with greying red hair and dark down to her shoulders, and warm chocolate brown eyes.

"Honestly Frank, you're such a lovely young man, you shouldn't be drinking so much!" Frank was about to protest, but Theresa sensed this and carried on, "-and I don't care if it's only one night a week. If it means you're getting hurt without realising and being too hungover to come and see me, then it's too much!"

"I know, and I should know better." Frank felt a little awkward being scolded in front of Gerard like that.

"Well, I still suppose it's progress that you're here today. Calm night in, was it?"

Frank glanced up at Gerard, the older man smirking as little as Theresa couldn't see him. She still caught their shared look, and made a noise of knowing.

"Oh, right... You two know each other? Gerard being a good influence then?"

"Terri, you sound like my mother."

"Well someone's got to keep you in check!" Terri laughed, making her way out into the back room. Frank and Gerard shared a quick look, as though agreeing that, yes, she was exactly like a mother and it was embarrassing for both of them.

"Gerard!" Theresa yelled from the back room, "Can you please pick up this coffee! I know it was you who knocked it down!"

"Oh.. oops." Gerard pulled a fave at Frank, who laughed. Gerard quietly apologised to Frank, before heading in the direction of the shout, "Sorry Theresa, it just landed on my head and there was a customer."

"I doubt if it had been anyone else you would have so readily abandoned this mess. You're sweet, Gerard, and I know this is your first day, so I'm not annoyed. Just try to keep your eye on the ball, and don't let pretty boys be a distraction."

"I wasn't... He didn't..." Gerard tried to protest, but he only managed to stammer a little before giving up.

Frank thought it would be best to just take a seat where he would be out of Gerard's eyeline, and Gerard would be out of his. He took a seat at the window, and made himself comfortable, busying himself with finally moving the loose change and banknotes from his coat pocket into his wallet. Mixed in with the stuff in his pockets were receipts, charity fliers and the phone number of a girl called Melissa. None of those pieces of paper were at all relevant to him now, and he could happily screw them up, layering the crumpled papers until they formed one small ball,just the right size to close in his fist. He then found himself chasing it around the table as a distraction, trying not to look up at the counter to see if Gerard was still there.

Soon, a shadow passed over Frank, and a presence settled beside him. Looking up, he saw it was Theresa, holding some napkins in her hand and smiling at him, the cold white light seeming to deepen the few lines of her face.

"I thought you might like a gingerbread man." She said simply, placing the napkin down on the table next to Frank's coffee. It was a gingerbread man, with blue sweets for eyes and a red icing bowtie, "On the house."

"Aw, thanks," Frank grinned and picked up the confection, starting the ritual dismemberment and breaking off the left leg, dipping it in his coffee and taking a bite.

"If you're going to keep coming here, you can't let yourself distract Gerard all the time."

"I know, but you should be telling him to focus, not telling me to not be distracting."

"I know, I'm just being silly," Theresa slid into the seat opposite Frank, "he's just so lovely, I can't believe nowhere else would hire him. It's ridiculous."

"I know! It's like, don't advertise for holiday staff if you're not going to even reply to applicants!" Frank snapped off the other leg of the gingerbread man.

"Prejudiced! The whole lot of 'em!" Theresa added. Frank was a little confused.

"Prejudiced? Why's that?"

"Oh, it's not really my place to say," Theresa fumbled over her words a little, "you know, I-"

"If it's because he's gay, the that's stupid and not exactly secret." Frank smirked, "I met him last week, and I kinda guess right away. We went out for drinks last night. He's nice." He trailed off, smiling at his coffee and the now legless gingerbread man.

"Oh Frank, it's nice to see you've found someone you actually like, but-"

Again, Theresa was cut off mid-sentence by an almighty crash from the back room. All eyes were on the door now, as a very red-faced Gerard traipsed out and looked across the room to Frank's table. Half of his head and his left shoulder were a dusty brown colour, and it was obvious that he was covered in coffee grounds.

"The, uh... the box split..." he shrugged, coffee dust floating down from his hair as he did so. Theresa sighed, not in exasperation but in sympathy.

"Oh, sweetheart, I should have warned you! Sometimes the boxes are just no good," she stood up, throwing an obvious dirty look at one of the girls who was trying to take a picture of Gerard on her phone, "I have spare clothes you can wear, don't worry. You go get cleaned up..."

As the two of them disappeared once more, Frank left trying not to laugh, thinking about how ignorant some businesses could be. Not hiring someone based on sexual orientation was ridiculous, but Frank knew from personal experience that it could sometimes be the case.

Gerard was kind though,and Frank was glad he'd found a good job at a thriving family-run business, owned by one of the friendliest people in town.

Gerard didn't reappear for the rest of the time Frank was there, so he thought it best to finished his coffee and gingerbread cookie and leave silently. It was bad enough to mess up on your first day at work. It was just as bad to embarrass yourself in front of someone you're dating.

That was a strange thought, Frank mused as he walked down the street, he and Gerard were, in his mind, dating now. And, it was up to Frank to plan a date for Tuesday night.


	5. First Date

  
  
_"When you smile, I melt inside_  
_I'm not worthy for a minute of your time_  
_I really wish it was only me and you_  
_I'm jealous of everybody in the room"_  
**\- First Date, blink-182**  
  


* * *

 

It was just gone seven, and Frank had been waiting in his car outside Gerard's apartment for about 5 minutes, having texted Gerard to say he was outside, and Gerard texting back to say he'd be down asap.

A figure appeared from around the side of the building, and he instantly recognised the mop of black hair and grinned, watching as the pale face turned to look at him. Gerard's eyes reflected the street lights as he quickly made his way over.

"Hey," he got into the car and leaned in to kiss Frank's cheek, placing a hand on his shoulder, "sorry I'm a little late. I feel bad for keeping you waiting."

Gerard was dressed in straight legged black jeans and plain black sneakers, a dark purple t-shirt and an army style coat in khaki green. His hair was fluffy looking again, skin flawless and eyes bright and excited.

"Oh, don't worry," Frank replied, smiling warmly as he shrugged the shoulders of his black denim jacket, "I'm just glad you showed. Shall we get going?"

"Yeah, of course," Gerard grinned excitedly, "I can't wait to see what you've got planned!"

"Now, it's nothing too special, but it's fun." Frank started the engine again as he pulled away from the curb, Gerard doing up his seatbelt, "After last time I didn't want you to feel like there was any expectations or pressure put on you. This is me trying to keep it casual, okay?"

"Okay," Gerard nodded, "That's very considerate of you. I'll try to keep myself under control this time." He winked at Frank, who stuck his tongue out in return, the two of them smirking like mischievous children.

\---*---

Frank had planned a date at the local leisure complex. It had a cinema, bars, restaurants, arcades and, most importantly, a bowling alley. Frank had reserved a lane for the two of them, paying for two games. He knew that after seven thirty, the bowling alley turned on the ultra violet lights, making the wall art and any white clothing glow brilliantly. Frank knew that he liked it, and he had a feeling that Gerard would enjoy it too.

When they'd arrived and checked in, Gerard had seemed pretty excited, the ultra violet lights tinting his skin blue and making him look like some kind of magic, ethereal being. Each time Frank looked at him, he was reminded of how pretty Gerard was. He was not at all strictly masculine in looks at all, and definitely had some feminine features, but the way he moved and spoke, the slight definition of his arms and his posture let anyone know that Gerard just happened to be unconventionally attractive and a little flamboyant.

"This is the best date I've ever been on," Gerard smiled up at Frank as he sat down from his turn bowling, picking up his glass and taking a sip of Coke.

"You must have been on some really shoddy dates then!" Frank laughed, earning a shoulder bump from Gerard.

"Well, in a way, yeah. The first few when I was younger were more like this, but the last one I went on was awful. Fucking sit-down meal in a four star restaurant... It was just a really uncomfortable situation and excused myself half way through the meal. Thankfully his back was to the door and he didn't see me. Ever again. That was... fuck, about two years ago."

"You haven't been on a date for two years?" Frank puzzled, Gerard nodding grimly.

"Well," Frank continued, putting down his drink and taking hold of Gerard's wrist, pulling him up, "We'd better make the most of this! We'll finish this game, get something to eat, then play the next game after, yeah?"

"Okay, okay," Gerard giggled, "You don't need to drag me!"

"Nuh-uh, I'm gonna show you how to get a strike! Come on, stand in front of me," Frank manoeuvred them so Gerard was stood with his back to Frank's chest, Frank's hand wrapped around Gerard's middle, "pick up a ball, come on!"

"Alright!" Gerard was really laughing now, as he picked up a bowling ball, Frank sliding his hand to cover the back of Gerard's.

"Now, you've got to keep your arm nice and straight," he instructed, gently swinging Gerard's arm back and forth in front of the lane, "You've got to get low too... no, lower!" Frank used the hand he had on Gerard's middle to bend the older man in half, seeming to tickle him in the process judging from the laughter, "Now you want to turn your body a little... no, left leg forwards, yeah... You want to kinda be throwing across your body," Frank kept his hand on Gerard's stomach, feeling the muscles tensing beneath the smooth, soft flesh every time he laughed, "Stop giggling so much! You won't throw straight like this!"

"I'm sorry, but you're tickling me and I can feel your junk on my ass!" Gerard squealed as Frank deliberately tickled him this time,

"Don't tell me my junk is distracting you..." Frank grinded against Gerard's ass a little, making the older man gasp and turn to look at him.

"Sshh! Don't do that!" He whisper-shouted, smiling in shock, "People can see!"

"Then stop getting distracted!" Frank whisper-shouted back, getting Gerard to face forward again as he started swinging his arm again.

"Now, on the count of three, I'm gonna let go of you, then you take two side steps up to the line and bowl, okay?"

"Okay," Gerard nodded, sounding suddenly focused. Frank rested his lips against Gerard's shoulder, right next to the collar of his t-shirt.

"One," they swung their arms once, "two," twice, "three!" As they swung their arms forwards again, Frank let go, and watched as Gerard took two funny little prancing sidesteps and bowled, exactly how Frank had told him to. Gerard froze as he watched the ball roll down the alley, and lept into the air and turned a full one hundred and eighty degrees in one bounce as he managed to get a strike: his first strike of the game.

He practically skipped back over to Frank, and threw his arms around the youngers neck in celebration, hugging him tightly as he laughed.

"I got a strike!" He squealed, hopping on the spot, still holding onto Frank, who was half way between surprised and happy, too.

"Yeah, you did great!" Frank replied, wrapping his arms around Gerard's middle, "I knew you could do it!"

Suddenly, Gerard had pulled back and quickly kissed Frank, leaving the younger man shocked as Gerard grinned wildly at him.

"Wow," Frank breathed, "That, uh... yeah, well done! You've almost caught up to my score now."

"Ugh, you're some kind of bowling genius," Gerard gave him another quick squeeze, which made Frank hiccup.

"Oh jeez," Frank tried to get Gerard to loosen his hold, "Don't squeeze me, babe, or we'll be seeing that Coke again."

"Oops, sorry, I just got excited..." Gerard let go and gently looped his arms over Frank's shoulder, cocking his head to one side and smirking,

"Did you just call me 'babe'?"

"Oh, did I?" Frank blushed, looking at Gerard in confusion, only semi aware himself that he'd said it, "I'm sorry, I guess it was just a slip of the to-"

Gerard put a finger on Frank's lips to hush him, smiling sweetly, "Sshh, okay? I like it..." He then leaned in and, moving his finger, kissed Frank again, softly and more lingering. It lasted only a few moments, but it was enough. The last time they'd been out together an had kissed, it had gotten very heated very face. This time, Frank was thankful for the people around, and that gave him some restraint.

"Come on," Frank murmured, pulled away from Gerard's lips, "You've got one more bowl, then we can get some food and play the next game."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Gerard smiled, letting go of Frank, "And, now that I know your masterful bowling technique, I will beat you!" He stuck his tongue out, to which Frank just laughed and shook his head.


	6. Bipolar Bear

__  
'I wanna kiss you  
_I wanna pet you_  
_I wanna squeeze you_  
_So glad I met you'_  
**\- Bipolar Bear, Morningwood**  
  
  


* * *

 

Gerard really tried his best to beat Frank in the second game, but halfway through Frank could see that that wasn't going to happen unless he threw a few duds.

"You're putting me off! I can feel your eyes on me!" was his excuse, but Gerard was easily too smart for him.

"You didn't need to let me win!" Gerard argued as they walked out to Frank's car, "I mean, I know I wasn't gonna win, but I was having fun anyway!"

"Oh, what? And I killed your fun?"

"Well, no, but... I didn't need to win, Frank!" Gerard pouted, only making Frank laugh.

"Okay, okay... if it's any consolation, I'm sorry." Frank wrapped an arm around Gerard's hip, pulling him closer in a half-hug. Gerard put an arm around Frank's shoulder in return and squeezed gently, curling against him a little as they walked. Having Gerard pressed to his side in the cold night air was nice for Frank; having Gerard's arm around him was even nicer.

Frank slipped his thumb into the belt loop of Gerard's jeans and curled his hand around his hip. He felt the very slight jut of his hip bone, the moment of muscle under flesh with ever step, his sweet smell of soap and floral scented cologne, the small happy sigh, more like a hum, that drifted to Frank's ear.

"This has been a really good night, Frank, thank you," Gerard gently kissed Frank's cheek.

"No, thank *you*, Gerard. You've make every night I've seen you magic."

Gerard blushed and looked away, sighing again as they reached the car."It's just as shame the night has to end now." he looked at Frank with huge sad eyes, which made Frank realise that from here, we would drive Gerard home and got to bed alone again. In the week that he'd known Gerard, he'd realised just how cold his bed was whenever he moved around, and many a time he'd imagined turning over and seeing Gerard sleeping there. Nothing sexual, just knowing he was there would have been enough for Frank.

"Well, maybe it doesn't have to end here," Frank suggested, looking up at the bashful Gerard, "I mean, only if you want to?"

Gerard shuffled his feet nervously, "Oh, Frank, I don't think I'm ready fo-"

"Oh, no, I'm not... I don't mean that!" Frank corrected himself, "I mean, like, you could come back to mine, we could watch a film, chat a bit. You could stay over. I thought it'd be nice, but you don't have to say yes." He smiled sweetly and took hold of Gerard's hands, rubbing his thumbs over his knuckles.Gerard smiled back, swinging their hands from side to side, hunching his shoulders up to hide his blushing cheeks.

"I'd actually really love that, yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yes! Come on," Gerard laughed, tugging Frank's hands in the direction of the car, "let's go!"

"Alright! You're pretty eager for someone so shy."

They got into the car, and Gerard immediately turned to Frank.

"You just kinda fluster me a lot, and you make me feel like I can be more myself, too. It's weird," he shrugged and smiled, clipping in his seat belt, "but I like it."

"Glad to hear... babe." Frank smirked as he pulled out of the space. Gerard playfully slapped him on the arm, tssking as he did so.

"Don't do that!"

"I thought you liked it!" Frank laughed,

"I do, but.. I... oh, shut up!" Gerard slumped in his seat, but Frank caught the small smile shot in his direction.  
  


\---*---

  
"Nice place you've got," Gerard said as they went into Frank's living room, looking around the pale blue walls and black furniture. Frank watched Gerard make his way over to the sofa, having let him into the flat first, being the gentleman he was; that, and the fact he really liked the way Gerard's ass moved when he walked.

He carefully put down the small bag he'd been carrying (he had needed to fetch important medication from his apartment for the morning) and settled on the sofa.

"Thanks," Frank said, before barrelling across the room and launching himself into the seat next to Gerard, making the older man jump, "It's always nice to have people round." He briefly and obviously looked Gerard up and down, "It's even nicer to have cute people round."

"You need to stop doing that," Gerard laughed, clearly blushing, "And pick a film like you said you would."

"Okay, okay..." Frank struggled up from the sofa and went over to the TV cabinet where he kept all of his DVDs, "What kind of film do you wanna watch?"

"What would you recommend?" Gerard folded his feet up under himself as he watched the younger man on the floor.

"Urm... I've got basically everything by Tim Burton, Kill Bill volumes one and two, all of the Harry Potters, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw, Day of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead-"

"So you like zombie films then?"

"Uh, yeah! Horror films in general to be honest. I do have Frankenstein on my arm." He hitched up his sleeve to show off the tattoo, earning a smile and an approving nod.

"That's pretty cool," Frank smiled at Gerard and turned away to put a DVD in, picking Diary of the Dead, knowing it was more tense than scary, "You really do have a lot of tattoos."

"Yeah, I do," he got up and rejoined Gerard on the sofa, the older man curling into his side a little as Frank put his arm around his shoulder.

"Can you show me some, and like, explain them?"

"I thought you wanted to watch a film?" Frank asked as the opening scene flickered on the screen.

"Well, kinda, but your tattoos are more interesting, and watching Diary of the Dead isn't exactly going to help me get to know you."

Frank thought for a moment: Although he really like the film, he also really liked it when people too in interest in his tattoos (and not the kind of interest where they'd pull his clothing to get a better look as one of the pieces). Something he liked even more though, was the way Gerard's eyes scanned up his arms and up to his face.

"Sure, I mean... yeah, I'd like that," then something came to mind, "but do you have any tattoos? Like, I can't see any, but-"

"Oh, no," Gerard shook his head, "No, I don't. I mean, I love tattoos, but on other people though. I hate needles, which can make medical stuff problematic."

"Aw, oh well. I think I've got enough ink for the two of us, right?" He winked, and made Gerard laugh as he sat up, kicking his shoes off and sitting cross legged, facing Frank.

"So, who're they?" Gerard pointed to the two portraits on Frank's right forearm.

"They're my grandmothers, Angelina and Lillian. The words say, 'Forever in my heart', just because family means a lot to me."

"What about this one?" Gerard pointed to the bright illustration of a woman on the back of his left forearm, inked in reds and blues.

"That is a winged Virgin Mary. I was raised Catholic, and there's just something really cool and gothic about their religious symbolism. She's got 5 swords in that hearts, see?"

"Yeah I see,"

"This one took a few sittings, I got the outline first, then the colours later on."

"It's pretty sweet... My grandmother was really religious, but also pretty liberal so I usually went to her when I had any, like... problems. She'd give me really good advice and a little dose of 'The Lord will show you the way' kinda thing. She died a few years ago but her words have always stuck with me."

There was a slight hint of sadness in Gerard's voice, but Frank didn't have a chance to ask if he was alright, as he leaned across and grabbed Frank's left wrist, pulling the arm closer again.

"Is that the Black Flag logo?"

"Oh, ha, yeah! You haven't noticed that before?"

"No..." Gerard kept hold of Frank's wrist and looked up and down Frank's arm in wonderment, "I guess I was just looking without seeing. What about these?" Gerard slipped his hand from Frank's wrist to his hand, taking up Frank's other hand in his own too.

"Oh, the Halloween tattoos?" he closed his fingers over Gerard's hands to show the full word, "It just says 'HALLOWEEN' because that's when my birthday is."

"Your birthday's on Halloween?" Frank nodded, "Whoa that's so cool!"

"Eh, when you're a kid, yeah. Now though, it's either stay home or have your friends drag you out to a Halloween party and have people wish you half-hearted 'Happy Birthday's when your friends tell them it's your birthday. It's not much fun, but you wouldn't hear me saying that when I'm totally shitfaced and dressed like a zombie."

Gerard laughed, "Yeah, yeah I think I get that."

"So," Frank mused, "Any other pieces catch your eye?"

Gerard paused, eyes scanning up and down Frank's arms again, before his gaze came to rest on the right side of his neck.

"What about this one?" he asked, reaching up and gently caressing the black scorpion. The sensation raised goosebumps all down Frank's arms and he had to suppress a shiver as he automatically tilted his head to the left.

"Oh, uh... That's a scorpion, because I'm a Scorpio."

"Why's it on your neck though?" Gerard asked, his voice sounding faint and curious and his finger began to trace around each segment of the scorpions tail. This was making it hard for Frank to focus, as was any and ever skin-to-skin contact he'd had with Gerard. It was like his fingers were electric and any wrong move would shock Frank.

"Because," Frank steadied his breathing, "A while ago, our band was going to get signed and I thought that it was our big break. I got the scorpion as high up on my body as I could. I didn't think I'd ever need a normal job again. Then something happened with the label... went bankrupt or something. I don't regret it though."

"That's good," Gerard's voice still sounded distant as his fingers slipped down to Frank's collar, "It gives you real character."

"Oh, what," Frank laughed, looking at Gerard sideways, "Is my personality not enough for you?"

"Oh shut up," Gerard said softly with a smile, "You know what I mean."

"Do I?"

"I mean, like," Gerard shuffled a little closer, "Comic book heroes always have their own emblem or markings. If you were a comic book hero, yours would be something to do with scorpions."

"So what would be yours?" Frank retorted playfully, turning his head so that Gerard's hand was resting half on his shoulder, half on his chest, "I mean, if you don't have any tattoos."

"I wouldn't be a comic book hero though." he shook his head, "I'm just another person, a background character in one panel."

"No, you're more than that," Frank took a loose hold of Gerard's forearm, "You'd be... you're the attractive, doe-eyed love interest who's the only one who knows about the hero's secret identity."

Gerard rolled his eyes, "Oh great, just demote me to Lois Lane or whatever. I'm not a damsel in distress, Frank, I-"

"I never said you were," Frank slid his hand further up Gerard's arm, pulling him closer in the process, "I said you're the hero's doe-eyed love interest."

"And I'm saying I wouldn't be the-"

"No... Gerard," Frank moved his other hand up to Gerard's neck, the older man's dark hair tickling the back of his hand, "You said I'm like the superhero. And if I'm the hero, you... are the doe-eyed love interest." Frank spoke slowly and softly, hoping Gerard would catch his drift. The message was hopefully conveyed too by the way they were touching each other; Frank's left hand holding Gerard's arm, his right hand cradling Gerard's jaw somewhat; Gerard's left hand still resting next to Frank's neck tattoo, and his right hand had found its way onto Frank's knee.

Before Frank had realised they had been moving closer, he was kissing Gerard. Or rather, they were kissing each other.

It was as though Frank's body went onto autopilot as his hand moved from Gerard's arm to his shoulder, then down his back, holding him as close as he could despite the slightly awkward angle. Frank was still sitting with his feet on the floor, Gerard was sat cross-legged on the sofa, and he was unsure of how to maneuver the two of them into a more comfortable position. He didn't need to worry, though, as he felt Gerard shifting to kneel up, still kissing Frank gently with both hands either side of his face.

he moved out of the touch though, watching Frank almost nervously as he slid his right knee over the younger mans lap, straddling him and resting both hands on Frank's shoulders.

"I-is this alright?"

"Yeah," Frank breathed as he rested his hands on Gerard's thighs, "Yeah this is good, it's... really good," He mumbled a little before quickly bringing his and Gerard's lips back together, a little more passionate this time. It surprisingly wasn't as heated as it had been outside the Hatters Hollow the first time they'd kissed, and it was more than alright for Frank. In fact, it was better.

It was more intimate, more controlled. They knew nothing was going to happen that night, no more than making out and watching a film.

Gerard didn't taste like orange juice this time. He tasted sweet like the strawberry milkshake he'd insisted on ordering with their food. His bottom lip was chapped in the middle, the rest of his lips smooth on Frank's. His tongue was there in Frank's mouth, but barely, almost teasing. Frank returned the tiny kitten licks in their kiss, not wanting to push him for anything. His hands were looped over Frank's neck, one set of fingers scritching at the short hair at the base of Frank's skull, the short hairs bristling against the older man's nails.

His thighs were soft, even under the tight denim, and felt good in Frank's hands. Frank wanted to squeeze them and pull him closer, but dared not in case Gerard thought he was trying to get some kind of friction.

Frank did, however, feel adventurous, as his mind wandered to Gerard's ass, currently just raised off his knees.

Frank rubbed his hands along Gerard's thighs as they kissed, their bodies rocking together ever so slightly. Frank's fingers itched to go higher, over the curve of Gerard's hips, and soon the itch had to be scratched.

Carefully, without breaking away from the soft lure of Gerard's warm lips, Frank let his hands wander over Gerard's legs and rest on his ass. Frank heart leaped in his chest as the feeling of the soft swell under his fingers, and surged forwards into the kiss a little, gently squeezing Gerard's ass.

This made Gerard squeal though, kneeling up away from Frank's hands and away from his lips too.

Frank's eyes shot open at the loss of contact, and realised almost instantly that he shouldn't have done that. Gerard was looking at him, his lips red and swollen, eyes drowsy-looking, his hair hanging in his face. He would have looked absolutely gorgeous, and he did in a way, if it weren't for the way he was looking at Frank; shocked and slightly annoyed.

"I thought you said you weren't going to try anything?" he asked from, looking a little hurt.

"I know, I'm sorry," Frank didn't know what to do, "I don't know why I did that."

"Tonight isn't going anywhere, you know?" he sounded slightly angry now, and Frank was scared that he'd just ruined everything.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just... I just wanted to," Frank went quiet, "to touch your butt."Gerard's face slackened, then tightened again in curiosity, sitting back down on Frank's knees.

"You just wanted to touch my butt? Really?"

"Well, yeah..." Frank laughed nervously, "You have a nice butt. I-I'm sorry if I violated your personal boundaries, I'm just-" Frank was cut off but a single spidery finger pressed to his lips. Gerard made a 'sshh'ing sound and smiled sweetly at him, before leaning down and replacing his finger with his own lips, pressing an innocent kiss to Frank's mouth.

"It's alright," he whispered, the sounds of the film ignored by Frank in favour of the pale man's voice, "I just got a little freaked out, that's all."

He kissed Frank a little more, nothing heated, just sweet and reassuring that he hadn't done anything wrong. Frank was a little on awe of how he'd found something so sweet who actually liked him, and was happy to sit and make out with him and watch zombie films.

After a little bit, they broke apart and decided to actually watch the film, and Gerard found Frank's points about the zombies in the swimming pool rather amusing.

And, when it came to sleeping, Frank understood that Gerard might not want to share a bed. It seemed he did have some contact issues, but Frank couldn't understand why Gerard would insist on sleeping on the sofa. After a brief argument, Frank went and got a pillow and a blanket form the airing cupboard and set himself up in the living room, and made sure Gerard knew where the bathroom was, and where the light switches and lamps were in his bedroom. They made out a little more before Frank bid Gerard goodnight, leaving the door open and retreating to the sofa to sleep.

He didn't mind, so long as Gerard was comfortable. He didn't want to mess this up, and he didn't want Gerard to feel uncomfortable in any way. He wanted this to go somewhere as their own pace, and if that pace was slow, that was fine with him.


	7. My Sweet Prince

  
  
_"Me and my valuable friend can fix all the pain away_  
_So before I end my day, remember_  
_My sweet prince_  
_You are the one"_  
**\- My Sweet Prince, Placebo**  
  


* * *

 

Frank woke up a littler earlier than normal, mostly likely due to him being aware that while he was on the sofa, there was a gorgeous, sleeping Gerard in his bed. Padding barefoot to the doorway of his own room, Frank looked to see if Gerard was still asleep.

There, under the white sheets, was Gerard. Frank remembered that Gerard was wearing a dark shirt, having gotten changed before bed, but now the covers were pulled right up to his chin. His usually snow white skin looked healthy and peachy against the sheets, his hair fanned out like an ebony halo on the pillow.

He looked peaceful and gorgeous, Frank had to practically drag himself away from the doorway.

He thought it would be nice and polite of him to make Gerard breakfast. Of course, he didn't know what Gerard's breakfast preferences were. He'd picked up that Gerard liked orange juice and coffee, so he got both, and decided that wholemeal toast was a safe bet too. Doubling up on both so that he had his own breakfast too, he set everything on a tray and took it into his bedroom.

Gerard was still sleeping, though he'd turned over a little, mouth hanging open and showing his funny little teeth. His hair was splayed out wildly still, yet he still looked beautiful, if slightly ungraceful. It made Frank grin as he set the tray down on the nightstand, turning back to the bed, gently shaking Gerard's shoulder softly to wake him.

"Ge-rard," he called in a singsong voice, "Wake up, gorgeous!"

Gerard's first response was to frown and roll over and bury his face in the pillow. Reality kicked in a few moments later as Gerard turned his head to look at Frank, still laying on his front.

"Mmh.. 'morning," he smiled, voice croaky with sleep. He yawned, rubbed his eye and sat up, still smiling with the duvet tucked up under his armpits.

"Did you sleep alright?"

"Yeah, I slept great," Gerard scratched his head, "I still feel bad about forcing you out of your bed though. The sofa wasn't too bad was it?"

"Oh no, it was fine," Frank reassured, "I've slept there drunk before and woke up feeling fine... I brought breakfast."

Gerard turned to look where Frank was pointing. He saw the tray and sighed happily, leaning forwards to quickly kiss Frank's cheek before springing back to sit against the pillows.

"Aw, you're so sweet!"

"You're a guest in my house, it was the least I could do."

"You let me sleep in your bed, you didn't need to bring me breakfast too." Gerard put his head one one side and smiled at Frank, blushing lightly.

"Actually, I brought both of us breakfast,"

Frank grabbed the tray and set it on the bed, being very careful of the drinks, "It's just toast, juice, and coffee, but I figured it was a safe bet."

"Mm, thank you," Gerard picked up one of the glasses of orange juice and downed half of it at once. Frank just grinned at him as he licked his lips.

"What is it with you and orange juice?"

"What?" Gerard asked, looking surprised at the question, "Oh, I really like orange juice and I have a kinda bad immune system anyway. The vitamin C is important."

"Fair enough," Frank smiled, shrugged, and picked up his plate of toast.

Frank and Gerard spent the next hour or so eating and chatting, before Frank needed to get ready and leave for work. They were both disappointed, but Gerard had work in the afternoon too and needed to go home.

Frank drove to work today, normally he would take the bus but he wanted to make sure Gerard got home safely.

"Thanks for understanding everything last night," Gerard smiled sweetly as they stood on the curb next to Frank's care outside Gerard's apartment block, "I just..." he sighed, "There's some stuff I need to figure out and as soon as I'm ready I'll tell you. I just... need some time."

"No, hey, it's fine," Frank smiled back, "really. I mean, I don't expect you to tell me all your personal stuff after only knowing me a week. It's fine."

"You're the best guy I've met in a long while, lots of people would be demanding answers by now."

"It's your business, and if you don't want to share then I respect that."

They stood there, smiling and, in Gerard's case, looking bashfully at the ground for a few moments. Gerard then sighed and looked up at Frank.

"Come on, you. You've got work, I don't want to make you late."

"Okay... Can I see you again soon?"

"Drop by the coffee shop whenever, but I'm taking you out on a date next time."

Frank grinned broadly, "Sure thing... see you, Gerard.

"Bye, Frank."

They leaned in and kissed softly, just a light lingering brush, before Gerard went off in the direction of the building, while Frank walked back around to the car.

Perhaps Maya had been right about Gerard having something to hide, but Frank knew that it wasn't his business yet. They weren't strictly together - they'd only been on two dates - but Frank hoped that they'd find themselves in a real couple soon, and that Gerard would find enough confidence in him to share his problems.

  
  
\---*---  
  
  


At work that afternoon, Frank was checking along all the shelves making sure all the prices and special offers were correct, when he spotted a familiar figure ambling her way down the aisle towards him. He smiled, wondering if Maya had anything to say to him today.

"Hello, Maya," he greeted when she was close, "How're you today?"

"Oh Frank, I am good!" She smiled with watery eyes, "I am feeling peaceful with the world, and glad to see you."

Frank grinned at her funny enthusiasm, "That's good, but why're you glad to see me?"

"Is there any reason to be un-glad to see a friend, especially when bearing good news?" She asked, a curiously playful look on her aged face.

"Good news? What is it?"

"Your one!" She whispered excitedly, eyes sparkling, "Your lovely one! They still have conflict in their heart, but not their mind! No more is it in their mind, they are free, and my dear," she ushered him closer, the shawls draped around her shoulders moving like water with the wave of her hand. Frank was intrigued and stepped closer, stooping lower so her was close to eye level with him. Her huge blue and gold eyes sparkled in her tanned face, pale lips tugged in a knowing smile.

"My dear, they are an angel!" She spoke with such conviction that Frank was tempted to believe that she really was just as mad as everyone said, but he still listened to her words, "They are an angel of the heavens themselves! I do not believe in God or angels but the spirits convinced me that no one so sweet and good could be anything else! Show patience and kindness and they shall show you love and trust in return, my dear!" Maya looked at Frank with a look in her eyes as though she'd just had some kind of incredible epiphany and all was right with the world. She held onto his forearm and nodded, like she was making sure he understood. Frank could only smile in return and thank her before she pottered off down the aisle, scarves and shawls fluttering behind her as she went, humming and looking a little mad.

Frank's colleague Xanthe appeared at his shoulder and watched as Maya walked away, noticing that the elderly mystic was carrying nothing but a box of looseleaf tea and a pot of salt.

"She's totally deranged, that one," Xanthe said plainly, one hand on her rounded hip, greying brown hair put back in French braid.

"Nah, she's just eccentric," Frank grinned, earning a snort from Xanthe.

"Eccentric? She said she can talk to 'the spirits' and tell peoples fortunes! She's sweet and harmless, but a complete loony!"

"Yeah..." Frank agreed absent-mindedly, wondering what Maya meant about Gerard being an angel? He laughed, thinking that if he'd known that more angels looked like Gerard he might have paid more attention in Bible Studies.

But, in the back of Frank's mind, he wondered what Maya could possibly mean. Everything she'd said so far had held some degree of accuracy, so what made Gerard an angel in her spirit filled mind?


	8. One More Cup Of Coffee

  
_'Your pleasure knows no limits_  
_Your voice is like a meadowlark_  
_But your heart is like an ocean_  
_Mysterious and dark'_  
**\- One More Cup of Coffee, Bob Dylan**  
  
  


* * *

 

It was Friday afternoon, and Frank had just finished work and had decided to go and get coffee, knowing that Gerard would be working his afternoon shift. He knew it was kind of bad of him to interrupt Gerard while he was working, but he knew also that Theresa liked the both of them enough to let them off.

As he walked in, the warm air and the smell of coffee took hold of Frank in a warm hug, drawing him across the room and towards the counter. He smirked when he saw a very bored looking Gerard leaning on said counter, head resting on his hand, and full on smiled when Gerard spotted him and instantly perked up, smiling sweetly and standing up straight.

"You know," Frank started as he reached the counter, still grinning, "We need to stop meeting like this..."

"Oh, and hello to you, too." Gerard laughed, raising an eyebrow in amusement.

"How're you, gorgeous?"

"I'm good," Gerard blushed at the petname, "How're you?"

"I'm good, better for seeing you though."

Gerard flushed an even darker shade of red and had to turn away, pretending to busy himself with cleaning one of the coffee machines. He turned to look over his shoulder at Frank, dark eyes glittering.

"You're going to get me in trouble with Terri if you don't order a coffee."

"Fine then... Can I get a black coffee for me and whatever you want too."

Frank received a slightly incredulous look from Gerard as the older man turned around.

"You're determined to get me fired, aren't you?"

"Gerard, honey, are you alright out- Oh! Frank, hello!" Theresa bustled out of the back room and to Gerard's side, "Sorry, I thought Gerard was getting harassed by a customer!" She laughed, "How are you, hun?"

"I'm good thanks, Terri, yourself?"

"Oh, not bad. Same old, same old, you know?"

"Hey Terri," Gerard piped up, "Could I take a break? I've been working since twelve and lunch was a real rush."

"Sure thing, honey. You've been a busy bee today, you deserve it." Terri patted Gerard on the shoulder and picked up another apron from a hook by the door, smiling sweetly and ushering Gerard out from behind the counter, "You can have an hour, so long as you help with the deliveries on Monday morning?"

"Of course, thanks Terri, you're a star." Gerard beamed, skipping around to the other side of the counter and planted a friendly kiss on Frank's cheek.

"You two are rather cute, aren't you?" Theresa chirped, turning to one of the coffee machines, "So what can I get for you?"

"Two black coffees, please," Gerard said softly, blushing at Theresa's comment about the two of them.

Frank took a chance to look at Gerard, while he was too bashful to look up.

He was dressed simply and smartly in all black, and was wearing Docs instead of his military boots, tucked under the turned up cuffs of his straight legged jeans. His t-shirt hung loosely on his frame and made his arms seem even paler than he really was. Gerard's dark fringe hung in his face, hiding Frank's view of his eyes though the blush of his cheeks still showed through.

"You boys go sit down, I'll bring your coffees over." She waved them away with a hand, and Frank took Gerard's arm and led them to a corner. Though the cafe was a little busy, it was mostly just the older students from the local highschool which had just ended for the week, and they were all grouped together on one side of the shop, being a little loud amongst themselves and paying zero attention to anyone else in the cafe. Frank and Gerard sat opposite each other at the table, Gerard still smiling shyly as Frank reached for his hand across the table, linking their fingers and stroking Gerard's smooth knuckles.

"I've missed seeing you this week."

"I've missed you too," Gerard's cheeks were positively fuschia by now as he looked up at Frank through his bangs, eyes as bright a green as Frank had seen them so far.

"I'm sorry, I've just been really busy with work."

"So have I," Frank nodded, "I wish I could have made some time for you. I was going to come in and see you before now but, like... it's a new job, you need to make a good impression and stuff. I didn't want to get you in trouble."

"You're real sweet, you know. Terri's actually already said that she wants me here full time!"

Just then, Theresa came over with their two coffees, smiling at the mention of her name.

"Of course I do, Gerard! Plus, with the girls gone now I'll need you around!"

"Why aren't the girls around?" Frank asked.

Theresa's face lit up with gleeful excitement, which permeated into her voice, "You know Scarlett got married a few months ago... Well, she's expecting a baby! And, with Elise planning her own wedding, they're both so busy I'm glad I have Gerard here now."

"Oh wow that's brilliant! Pass on my congratulations to them both."

Frank remembered the girls. Scarlett had always had the same ginger hair as her mother, while Elise was brunette like their father. Scarlett was pale and freckled, willowy and charming. Elise was petite and pretty, shapely and a bit of a shy bookworm. The sisters had been two sides of the same sparkling, brown eyed coin, and Frank had admired them greatly, albeit from a distance. These days he was close to Theresa than either Scarlett or Elise, but it was always nice to hear about how well they were getting on.

"I will, honey. You know," Theresa turned to Gerard now, "I've known Frank since he was fourteen. Such a sweet kid, one hell of a guitarist though. Played at school concerts with his dad a few times, actually. And with... Oh, what was his name..."

"Are you talking about Ray?"

"Oh, yes! Ray Toro! Gosh, you could spot that kid from a mile off with his hair... I only remember that because he was so tall and his hair was so big they had to put him back and center of Elise's class photos, otherwise the picture would look wonky and the kid stood being him would be blocked out! Such a nice boy."

"Yeah, no idea what he's up to these day though," Frank shrugged, finally taking up his coffee cup, Gerard doing the same.

"I'm sorry, look at me rambling on! I'll leave you two alone, enjoy your coffee."

"Thanks, Terri." Gerard smiled, having remained almost silent for the time Theresa had been stood at their table.

"So," Frank said after a small pause, "how have you been?"

"I've been good, yeah. How have you been?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good... I have missed you though."

"You're dumb." Gerard laughed, sipping his hot coffee.

"I know I am," Frank grinned his usual shit-eating grin, "Only for you, babe."

"Don't do that! That's not fair!" Gerard blushed.

"It's totally fair! I like it, you love it, I'll stop when you don't like it anymore."

"Ugh," Gerard shook his head, "You're terrible... hey," he had a sudden thought, "Do you have a show tonight?"

"Not tonight, no. Which got me thinking... how about we do something tonight? The two of us?"

"You mean a date," Gerard smirked, "I thought it was my turn next."

"Well you've not said anything this week, and I've been dying to see you again."

"Bit dramatic," Gerard stuck his tongue out, before continuing, "Look, I want to take you out somewhere. Just, don't expect anything impressive. I don't have much money... I, uh, didn't have much money when I moved here and, like... new job, new apartment and that, you know?." Gerard sat and thought for a moment

"It's fine, don't worry. We can do something another night if you'd prefer?"

"No, I want to take you out... you're a real sweet guy. How about... we could just go for a few drinks, then go back to mine and watch a film, like we did the other night?"

"I'd like that," Frank smiled sweetly, "I kinda really want to know what your place looks like." He grinned even more, "I bet you have comic book art on your walls."

"I...." Gerard stopped himself and smoked, embarrassed, and looked down at his coffee, drinking deeply to shut himself up.

"You do, don't you?" Frank exclaimed, sitting back and smiling broadly at the bashful Gerard.

"I have some Hellboy prints in the living room, yeah.."

"Hellboy? Well at least you're not a DC fanboy."

"Hey, don't knock DC! I like Batman... Batman's pretty damn cool, making the most of a bad situation."

"Yeah, but he's rich. Same as Iron Man. They don't have any actual powers unless you count money as a super power."

"Just cuz I like DC, it doesn't mean I hate Marvel!" Gerard exclaimed, making Frank laugh, "I like a lot of different comics... mainly Hellboy, Batman and Spiderman though, and a few indi- comics too."

"Ah nice! I used to read comics a lot, but not so much now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not."

"I think you probably already have your thing, you know?"

"My thing?" Frank raised an eyebrow.

"Well yeah," Gerard shrugged, "Your thing is music, isn't it?"

"I guess so... So, wait," Frank leaned forwards again, "Is your thing comics then?"

"Just art in general really. I would like to have my own comic one day but it's just a question of writing a good enough storyline. Anyone can draw, anyone can have an idea, it's just a matter of turning that idea into a fully-fledged plot." Gerard waved a hand as he explained, thin, pale fingers tracing patterns in the air.

"So you have an idea?"

"Of sorts, yeah,"

"-and the art to go with it?"

"Maybe..." Gerard smiled slyly, lips twitching over the rim of his coffee cup, "You'll just have to see when you come over tonight."

"If that's supposed to be some kind of incentive to get me to go back to yours, you inviting me over was enough of an incentive, seriously."

"We'll have to sort a time and a place then..." Gerard leaned over the table a little, Frank coping his movement and almost bridging the gap between them. Gerard's eye flickered around his face, resting on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes as his thin pink lips split into a sweet smile, contagious to Frank as they quickly found themselves smiling shyly at each other for a second or two.

Frank wouldn't ever get over how pretty Gerard's face was, the bright eyes, dark lashes and brows, and pale lips. Whether Maya was right about Gerard being an angel or not, he was certainly something else, and Frank couldn't wait for that evening.


	9. New Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.**

_"Stop there and let me correct it_  
_I wanna live life from a new perspective_  
_You come along because I love your face_  
_And I'll admire your expensive taste"_  
**\- New Perspective, Panic! At the Disco**  
  
  


* * *

 

"I was supposed to be taking you out, you didn't need to pay for the cab!"

"No, but I wanted to," Frank stepped into Gerard's apartment, the older man following him inside and shutting the door.

They'd gone out to a small bar that Gerard had found while looking around the town the previous week. They served good non-alcoholic cocktails, as well as the regular kind, and the two of them had spent the evening just talking and enjoying each others company. Now they were back at Gerard's apartment, and Frank was only very slightly aware of the alcohol in his system.

"We could have at least split it," Gerard grumbled. After Frank had insisted on paying the cab fare, Gerard hadn't stopped complaining as they'd climbed the two flights of stairs to his floor.

"You bought the drinks though- and I don't care if you wanted to pay. Too late now." Frank turned and stuck his tongue out at Gerard, watching the look of irritation dissipate from his face, replaced with a smile.

"Okay, I'm gonna trust you now.." Gerard took hold of Frank's shoulders, turned his around and steered him towards the living room, "You stay here and pick out a film from that shelf," he pointed towards the DVDs on the top shelf of a bookcase next to the TV, "And I'll be right back... what kind of popcorn do you prefer?"

"Okay, uh... sweet?"

"Sweet it is! You make yourself at home, and I'll be just through here," Gerard stepped through to another room, lingering in the doorway and smiling, a sultry look in his eyes, "Be right back."

Frank smiled, liking the look that he saw in Gerard's eye as he'd left the room. Turning his attention to the DVDs, he saw Gerard had only a small selection of films, but a good taste at least. Smiling as he read the spine of the case, Frank pulled out The Rocky Horror Picture Show, feeling like he and Gerard would both get a laugh out of the movie choice.

After figuring put how to turn on the TV and putting the DVD on, Frank kicked off his shoes, tucking them next to the couch, and sat down, admiring the room. It was totally white, with a plain brown couch on which Frank was sat, a simple coffee table, the TV with a stereo in the cabinet beneath, and a bookcase with the top shelf dedicated to DVDs, the second to CDs as the other two for books. On the wall above the couch and opposite the door leading to the kitchen we three Hellboy prints, just like Gerard had said. The black and red were bright contrasts against the white walls, and Frank thought it looked pretty cool.

Moments after the menu screen music of the DVD started playing, Gerard reappeared in the room carrying two bowls of popcorn and smirking at the TV screen.

"Rocky Horror? Really?" He sat down next to Frank handing one of the bowls over to the younger man.

"Yeah! You told me to pick whatever, I thoughT this might give us a few laughs." Frank grinned, settling back against the cushions as Gerard curled closer to him.  
  


After some time, Frank no longer found himself watching Rocky Horror, and instead found himself with his eyes closed, hands on Gerard's hips as the two of them feverishly made out, Frank half leaning over Gerard, the buttery taste of Gerard's popcorn replaced by the sweet taste of Frank's.

Frank wasn't quite sure how they'd got here, though he remembered a brief throwing-popcorn-at-eachother messing around moment that had somehow lead to this. He didn't care about how though, all he cared about right now was Gerard's hands in his hair and the softly mewling noises coming from the man beneath him.

Frank's lips moved from Gerard's own soft ones to his jaw and neck, making him gasp as the featherlight kisses and sharp nips of his teeth. The spot beneath his ear gave the best reaction when bitten, Gerard gasping loudly, followed by a light moan and a jolt of his body.

Without warning, Gerard pushed against Frank, tipping him backwards so Gerard was now on top, Frank pinned beneath him. Before Frank had a chance to respond, Gerard's mouth was on his neck, kissing, biting and sucking, making him groan in pleasure. As Gerard bit just where Frank's neck and shoulder met, the younger man lost it a little and arched up against Gerard, rubbing his semi hard-on against Gerard's black denim clad thigh.

Frank felt Gerard gasp against his skin, which Frank took as an invite to do it again. Gerard pressed his thigh back against Frank's crotch, encouraging him with small whining gasps against his tattooed neck. Gerard's lips started moving again, kissing up and back down Frank's neck, down his chest (though he was still wearing his t-shirt) and sat back until his face was comfortably level with Frank's slightly pitched jeans.

He looked up at Frank, who was surprised but more than happy with the way the evening was going, with an almost innocent, curious look on his face as he rested his hands dangerously high on Frank's thighs.

"Can," Gerard licked his lips, voice soft and tentative, "Can I...?"

"Fuck, yes. Yeah, I mean... Only if you want to-" Frank began, worried that Gerard might not be ready.

"Yes, fuck yes I want to," Gerard breathed, a devious grin tugging his lips up as his fingers glided over Frank's hips and started undoing his jeans. Frank lifted his hips so that Gerard could tug them and his underwear down just far enough, as Gerard licked up the full length of his palm and wrapped his hand around Frank's still hardening cock.

The first touch was electric to Frank, sparking the gentle twisting-tugging sensation in his gut as he watched Gerard's curled fist working along his length, the black haired man licking his lips and staring hungrily. Frank thought he must have felt his gaze as Gerard looked up, catching Frank's eye and smirking again. He kept eye contact as moved from the other end of the couch to kneel on the floor, Frank moving too so that Gerard was now settled between his thighs as he leaned down and licked at Frank's head, making him hiss at the sudden pleasure shock.

Gerard quickly started working his lips down over the head and shaft, Frank having to resist from thrusting into the soft heat of his mouth. Gerard kept one hand wrapped around the base of Frank's dick as he started bobbing his head, knowing how much he could take. Every now and then Gerard's hand would tighten and tug a little, making Frank ache with the pleasure and how badly he wanted to fuck Gerard's mouth. His thin lips were stretched and pink around Frank's shaft, eyes closed and brows furrowed and he started moaning around the cock in his mouth.

Frank couldn't help but sneak glances at Gerard between throwing his head back and shutting his eyes in ecstasy, and noticed that Gerard one hand on him, and the other shoved between his own legs, jeans undone and hand working hard inside his own underwear. Frank let his head loll back as he groaned loudly, reaching to put a hand in Gerard's hair. Gerard responded with a loud whimpering moan that sent vibrations down Frank's length, making him gasp and tug Gerard's hair.

Gerard's mouth was hot and tight and perfect, and it wasn't long before Frank was having to warn him,

"Gerard.. Fuck, Gerard, babe, I'm so fucking close..."

Gerard's only reply was a long loud moan as he started working his lips and hand harder and faster, the hand in his own underwear speeding up as he worked towards his own climax.

Seconds later, Frank was crying out, groaning and hissing curses under his breath as he tugged on Gerard's hair. Gerard quickly pulled back though, unable to swallow all of Frank's cum, letting some drip and dribble on his chin, face flushed and lips used. The hand Gerard had on Frank still working his through his orgasm, just as Gerard's own on hit. Frank watched as he rose up on his knees, hips pressed forwards as he made a choked crying noise, followed by gasps and whimpers at the aftershocks, still thrusting against his hand. Gerard with his head thrown back, Frank's cum on his lips, neck exposed and littered with the tiniest of bite marks, hand in his jeans as he came with sobs of pleasure was one of the most filthily beautiful things Frank had ever seen, especially when Gerard's other hand was still lazily rubbing at Frank's almost oversensitive cock.

Moments after, Gerard let go of Frank and fell forwards, resting his head on Frank's thigh, panting hard, hand still in his pants.

Gerard let out a little sigh and a laugh, voice already sounding wrecked.

"Ah, shit..." he laughed, nuzzling against Frank's leg, "That was fucking good."

"Uh-huh," Frank smiled lazily and ran his fingers through Gerard's hair, tilting his head up to look at him, "Fucking amazing..."

Frank tugged Gerard's hair a little and made him kneel up, Gerard pulling his slightly sticky hand from his pants to lean on the edge of the couch. Frank used his other hand to swipe the cum off Gerard's chin before pulling him closer into a kiss.

Frank could taste himself on Gerard's tongue, and although it should have been a bit gross, he thought it was one of the sexiest things ever.

It was short lived, though, as Gerard was covered in both of their cum, and needed to go clean himself up. Frank tucked himself away again and cheekily asked if he could help Gerard, but Gerard just laughed and disappeared into the hallway to go to the bathroom.

When Gerard came back, now wearing a pair of blue plaid pajama bottoms, he and Frank sat and watched the rest of Rocky Horror before clearing up the popcorn they'd managed to chuck everywhere. Frank was still trying to comprehend what had happened between the two of them over an hour later as the opening credits of Beetlejuice lit up the TV screen.

"Hey, Gerard?" Frank said, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Do you, uh... I was just thinking, because we haven't really labelled what we are yet, would you be alright with me calling you my boyfriend?"

Frank smiled, looking across to Gerard, trying to gauge his rabbit-in-the-headlights reaction.

"Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, I mean," Frank laughed, "I've gone a lot further with people I'm known for a lot less time, and I know we've only known each other a week and a half but you're nice. I _really_ like you."

Gerard blushed, biting the inside of his lip to try and stop the spread of his smile. He nodded and said softly, "Yeah, yeah I'd like you to call me your boyfriend. Does that mean I get to call you my boyfriend too?"

"Of course," Frank leaned across and softly kissed Gerard's lips, "I mean, I feel like I should've asked before you blew me, but I wasn't really expecting that to happen." Frank giggled, the laugh infecting Gerard too, his nose scrunching up, eyes sparkling.

"I'm guessing you're staying the night now, then?" Gerard smiled "I mean, you can stay in my bed with me. I'm not much of a cuddler but it'll be nice having you there at least..."

"Well, you just said where you don't like being touched, and I won't touch you there?"

Oh, um..." Gerard lowered his head a little, "Basically anywhere on my, like, upper torso. And my back... It's just a personal thing."

"Okay," Frank smiled softly, "I won't touch your chest or your back. I totally respect that, babe."

Gerard smiled thankfully and blushed, "I like it when you call me 'babe'."

"I like calling you 'babe', but do you know what I like even more?"

"What?"

"Calling you my boyfriend." Frank grinned, leaning in to kiss Gerard again, the two of them finally turning to watch the film, Gerard with his legs crossed over Frank's lap, Frank's hands resting on Gerard's knees.

Frank was happy to call Gerard his boyfriend now. It had been a long time since he'd had a real relationship, and he'd notice Gerard looking happier each time they'd seen each other. Gerard had never mentioned why he'd moved to Lyndhurst, or where he'd moved from, even. He'd mentioned his brother lived in Belleville which was only a town or so over.  
For whatever reason he'd moved for, being in Lyndhurst seemed it have been good for him. Frank was more than glad Gerard was here now.


	10. Little White Lies

  
  
_"Now all the hours weeks and months seem to merge right into one_  
_I lost track of where I'd been_  
_Cause I've been chasing my own tail and running in circles for so long_  
_I need to find myself again_  
_If I had any heart left, I'd give it all to you_  
_To make up for the time spent not telling the truth"_  
**\- Deaf Havana, Little White Lies**  
  
  


* * *

 

Frank woke up and tried to roll over like he normally would, but found a warm weight stopping him. Blinking in the light and turning over carefully, he saw that the weight was Gerard. He lay on his side with his head on the pillow, eyes shut to the morning, mouth open and hair fanned out. The covers were pulled up to his shoulders, one hand reaching out and across his body towards Frank.

Frank smiled and lay on his side to face Gerard, wanting to wake him but also leave him sleeping. As a compromise, he leaned forwards to kiss the corner of Gerard's parted lips. Gerard's lips closed and he stirred, turning and pressing his face into the pillow, frowning. He blinked an eye open and looked across at Frank, and promptly smiled.

"Mmh... good morning," he muttered, tugging the sheets closer and snuggling down into the bed, making Frank grin. Gerard's straggly black hair was a mess, his eyes half open and hazel pupils looking a bright but deep green.

"Good morning," Frank echoed, burying further under the covers himself, "How're you feelin'?"

"I'm good... tired, but good. How're you?"

"I'm great," he grinned, trying the edge a little closer to Gerard, "No work today."

"For you maybe... I have the afternoon shift at Mara's later."

"At least we can stay in bed for a little longer, then," Frank kissed the corner of Gerard's mouth again, Gerard turning his head sideways to meet his lips.

"Mmh, but coffee... what's the time?" Gerard rolled away to look at his alarm clock, "S'only ten."

"Shall we get up now or later?"

"Coffee... now..." Gerard whined, throwing back the covers and padding around the bed and out of the room, calling behind him, "I'll be back in a sec."

Frank chuckled at Gerard sleepily slouching out of the bathroom, the sound of the lock being turned behind him. Frank sat up, unsure of what to do with himself. He thought that if he needed to get up, he may as well get dressed. He'd only slept in his boxers that night, and his clothes were dropped next to the bed.

Frank managed to pull on his jeans by the time Gerard came back in, and Gerard froze in the doorway, caught off-guard by Frank's shirtlessness.

"What? I wasn't wearing a shirt last night."

"Yes, but it was dark. You're, uh... yeah. Damn."

Frank laughed at Gerard being struck-dumb, "And remember, I'm all yours, babe."

"Don't start that, it's too early." Gerard complained, turning around and heading right, into the kitchen.

"Sorry," he called, tugging on his shirt and following his boyfriend out of the room.

Every room in the apartment was white, as the building rules were that residents could decorate and furnish their apartments however they wanted, so long as they didn't paint the walls. There wasn't much in the place that looked like it belonged to Gerard, Frank assuming that he must not have had much to move here with.

Gerard was already staring at a cafetiere, looking bored as the coffee stewed. Frank made his way over and took a gentle hold of Gerard's hips and kissed his check. It was a simple gesture, but Frank could see the blush rising in Gerard's cheeks, and it made him so happy to know that he could say that Gerard was his now.

They didn't say much to each other, just enjoying light touches here and there as Gerard sleepily moved around the kitchen, fetching mugs and sugar from the cupboard, pouring the coffee for the two of them, and lightly hooking his fingers with Frank's and leading him to the couch.

They couldn't have been sat down for more than three minutes before there was a buzzing sound from the front door. Someone was trying to be buzzed into the building.

"Oh, sorry, hang on," Gerard stood up and went to the door. Frank couldn't see him, but could hear Gerard talking into the intercom.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Gee?" An unfamiliar voice spoke, grainy from the poor sound quality.

"Mikey! Hang on, I'll buzz you in!"

Frank heard the buzzing noise of the button that gave entry to the building sound in the hall, before Gerard came back in, smiling excitedly.

"Sorry, Frank, that was my brother... he's not doing to be here long, okay?"

"Oh okay, it's fine. Shall I go wait in your room, or...?"

"Nah, it's fine," Gerard smiled, "It can't be anything too important, he has work today, so he's probably just bringing something over."

"Alright... urm, should I just stay in here, or do I-" Frank was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door.

"He'll just be a few minutes, okay?" Gerard kissed Frank's cheek and walked back towards the door.

Frank sat where he could see what was happening in the hall this time.

Gerard opened the front door, greeting the man stood there with a hug and an enthusiastic cry of "Mikey Way!"

"Hey, Gee," the man, obviously Mikey, said, hugging Gerard back and stepping inside. He was as tall as Gerard but about two thirds the width of his brother; he was very slim, with a sharp angled, handsome face and glasses. His hair was mousy brown and spiked, sweeping forwards around his ears and partially covered with a beanie. One arm was around Gerard's shoulders, the other clamping a small parcel to his side.

"Sorry about just dropping in on- Oh." Mikey caught sight of Frank and stopped, his face going deadpan, "You didn't say you had company."

"No, sorry, urm... Mikey, this is Frank. Frank, this is my kid brother, Mikey."

"Uh... hi," Frank stood up from the couch and put out a hand to Mikey, which instantly made him feel like an idiot, "Nice to meet you."

Mikey took his hand, shaking it while watching him with a mild look of suspicion, "Nice to meet you too..."

"Frank is, uh... he's my boyfriend." Gerard said with a smile, "It's a very, *very* new thing. You're the first person to know."

"Oh! Well, awesome! Good for you, Gee." Mikey smiled, though his face quickly slipped back to neutral.

"So, what is it you wanted?"

"I needed to... I brought you something. It's from thanksgiving, so..."

Gerard's friendly smile disappeared, his eyes flickering to the parcel under Mikey's arm.

"It's from mom, isn't it?"

"Look, Gee, you don't need to open it, but I said I would get it to you at least."

"I don't want anything from that woman!" Gerard yelled, looking borderline distraught all of a sudden. Frank didn't like Gerard's sudden change of mood, and he knew that something was very wrong. But he was trapped.

"Just take the damn thing! Take it and open it, or throw it out, or burn it for all I care! You know Mom can see right through me, at least let me tell her I've given it to you!" Mikey held it out to Gerard, who took a deliberate step back.

"I don't. Fucking. Want it! I can't deal with anything she has to say to me, and I don't want to. She isn't going to change my mind about any of this, and she's fucking delusional if she thinks otherwise!"

"Gee, you're getting hysterical," Mikey said calmly, lowering the arm holding the parcel, "I'm just going to leave it on the table. I have to go, I need to be at work in half an hour." He turned to leave, stopping in the doorway and looking back at Gerard, "Do whatever you want with it, but she wouldn't even let Dad see what it is. Just... whatever. Love you, Gee."

"Love you too, Mikes." Gerard said quietly, then Mikey was gone.

Frank didn't know what to do or say. Gerard looked down, and it wasn't good to see someone usually so bubbly look this sad.

"Gerard... are you okay?"

"I'm... uh, yeah, I'm fine." Gerard blinked back the few tears that lined his eyes. He managed a small insincere smile towards Frank, then looked down at the parcel. It was fairly small, rectangular, wrapped in brown paper, with a white envelope stuck to the front.

There was a weighted pause.

"What're you going to do with it?"

"I don't know," Gerard sat down, still staring at the parcel, "Mikey shouldn't have said that our mom kept it secret. Now I want to know what it is, and I bet he did that on purpose."

"You could just read the card, then decide? I mean," Frank sat down too, placing a hand on Gerard's knee,"I don't know what she did, but she's reaching out to you, so that must mean something?"

Gerard laughed dryly, "You don't know what she's like."

Despite himself, Gerard took the envelope from the front and tore open the white paper. Inside was a card with a Victorian style flower print of carnations and poppies on the front.

"Ugh, that's so disgustingly her," Gerard shook his head and opened the card. Inside it read:

'This thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my two beautiful children. I miss you and your brother greatly, and hope you'll come home when you remember what's important; family.

I've not changed my mind, but I hope you will, and I hope you'll remember who you are and where your loyalities lie.

You'll always be my little Angel, no matter what. Come home soon.

Mom x'

Gerard handed the card to Frank to read, and covered his mouth, eyes tearing up.

"What's... what happened with you two?"

"She... she's just," Gerard sighed and sniffed, "She just doesn't support me at all. Me or my lifestyle-"

"Well that's her problem, isn't it? It's not your fault." Frank shut the card, handing it back to Gerard, "Her opinion means jack-shit. You don't need to get on with her just because she's your mother, not if she's going to upset you like that..."

Gerard stared hard at the card, before quickly tearing it in half, and half again, and again, until he was left with two handfuls of torn card. He chucked the white and pink pieces at the table, though most landed on the floor, and picked up the parcel, ripping the brown paper off with little regard for what was inside.

What was left on the table was a leather book. It had few pages, but was bulky and black. Gerard stared at it with some kind of mortal hatred, like if he stared long enough is would combust and he wouldn't need to touch it. Frank didn't say anything, feeling like Gerard needed to just work over this for a moment as the older man picked up the book, opening the cover and looking at the first page.

A second later, Gerard had clapped a hand over his mouth, stifling a sob as his shoulders hunched and his face contorted as though he were in pain, unable to look away from the page. Another sob, his shoulders shook, and curled further in on himself.

"No... I can't believe she..." Gerard whispered, more to himself than to Frank. His eyes swam with tears and he looked totally defeated, worrying Frank.

"Gerard, are you o-"

Before he could finish the sentence, Gerard had tossed the book from his lap and fled from the room, crying loudly. Frank heard the bathroom door slam and lock, barely muffling Gerard's painful sobs.

Wanting to know what had upset him so easily and suddenly, Frank reached down, picking up the book that had landed cover-up on the carpet. It was probably wrong of him to snoop like this, but he was worried.

Looking at the first page that had upset Gerard, Frank frowned.

On the page were photos of a young girl, only about two or three years old, in a blue summer dress with a matching blue flower in her hair, pinning back her wavy brown hair. In one photo she was posing for the camera, hands clasped in front of her, shoulders hunched, head on one side as she smiled, eyes scrunched shut. In another she was walking away from the camera through a garden, barefoot, blue dress held up on one side as she went. In the third, she seemed to be reaching for the camera which was being held too high for her to reach. She was looking curious, smiling still, with big, wide eyes. It was this picture that held Frank's attention.

Her eyes were just like Gerard's, the same bright hazel.

Walking to the bathroom door, Frank brought the book with him and knocked on the white wood.

"Gerard, babe... Please come out."

"I don't want to! Please just fucking burn that book!" Gerard yelled back, voice shaking and rough. Frank sighed.

"Who's the little girl?"

No reply.

"Gerard, who is she?"

Still no reply.

"She's very pretty... Is she your cousin? Or neice...?" he paused again, "She's got you eyes."

Frank stopped, realising something. The little girl really did have Gerard's eyes.

"Is... Is she, urm... your daughter?"

He heard a sob from behind the door. Frank took a deep breath, trying to keep calm for his boyfriend's sake.

"Is she your little girl? Is that why you mom was talking about family and stuff?"

There was movement, a few hiccuping sobs, and footsteps from behind the door. Frank stepped back as her heard the latch turn.

Gerard stepped out, sniffling, tears running down his face still.

"That's um... Look," he sighed, voice shaking, "I was going to tell you, I swear. I don't have any kids, Frank. She's... That's me. That little girl is me."

 


	11. Joyriding

  
  
_"Yeah, it's cool, I'll be okay_  
_As I felt your pain wash over me_  
_I dry your eyes and hide my shakes_  
_'Cause I hate the look that's on your face"_  
**\- .joyriding., frankiero andthe cellabration**  
  
  


* * *

 

"That girl is... me."

Frank frowned, trying to comprehend what Gerard was saying.

"You... that's you?"

"Yeah..." Gerard wiped some stray tears from his cheeks, "I, uh... I used to be a girl. Tech... technically I still am, but... Frank, I'm transgender."

"You're a girl?"

"Only physically. I'm not... I don't want to live as a girl. I'm transitioning to male, and have been for... God," he sniffed, "About seven months now."

"You're... what?" Frank frowned again, "Gerard, why didn't you just-"

Frank's phone started ringing, unceremoniously interrupting Gerard by blasting 'Dig Up Her Bones' from his pocket. Taking it out, Frank saw it was work calling him, and he knew he really out to answer it.

"I should really take this..." he muttered.

"Frank...please, I need to explain."

Frank scowled at his phone, waiting until it stopped ringing. He sighed and shoved it back into his jeans, looking up at Gerard. Knew teas had sprung to his eyes, and he looked almost pitiful.

"Can we please sit down and talk about this?" Gerard asked, barely above a whisper.

"I, uh... yeah. Yeah, of course."

Frank let Gerard led the way back to the living room, the two of them sitting at opposite ends of the couch. Gerard's hands were tightly clasped in his lap, head turned down, hair hiding his face. Frank didn't know what to say or do, so he waited for Gerard to speak.

"So... what do you want to know?" Gerard sounded like he was waiting for something terrible to happen, like he'd accepted a horrid fate.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Frank asked, deadpan. He didn't know how he should be feeling.

"Because... you were probably one of the first people to automatically assume I'm a guy. It felt good, and I didn't want to scare you off."  
  


A heavy silence fell again.

  
"What... um," Frank paused, "When you say you're physically a girl, do you have... Urm..."

"Do I have tits?" Gerard huffed a small laugh through his tears, "Yeah, unfortunately. Luckily they're only small, but I still wear a binder. They don't... Feel right."

"How do you mean?"

Gerard thought for a moment.

"They feel wrong. I just... I have the wrong fucking body and it's... it drives me mad, you know?" Tears streamed down his face as he looked up at Frank, who just stared blankly back.

"No," Gerard continued, "I don't suppose you would."

"Could you... tell me? Like, from the start?"

"What do you mean? Tell you my life story, or how it feels to hate your body to the point of wanting to just peel off your own skin?"

Gerard's words were full of venom, and Frank was taken aback. Gerard was this though, and straightened his back, leaning back on the couch.

"Sorry, I just... ugh," he shook himself, "I haven't had to explain this in a long time. It's just difficult for me."

"I get that... I'm listening, okay?"

Gerard managed to smile weakly at Frank, who returned the look.

"Okay, so... um," Gerard folded his feet under himself and began, "I was born as a girl. My dead name, my birth name, is- _was_ Angela Elena Way. My mum always called me her angel though, that's why that card was so out of order:" He glared at the pieces of torn card that still littered the table and floor, "I had a really normal childhood, I was a happy kid, you can probably see that in those photos. Mikey was born when I was three, we grew up normally... I was about twelve when I started to think that something wasn't... normal? Like... well, you must have got this; you know when you first started thinking that you might like guys, but you're not sure if you want to be him or be on him?"

"Ha, yeah, I get that."

"Well I had the issue of both. I'd see all these guys and think how cute they were, but then I'd be like 'I wish I had hair like him', 'I wish I had those clothes', 'I wonder what it's like to have a dick'. But I was raised in a pretty religious family, and I'd always been told girls liked boys and boys liked girls. That's the way the world worked, and I liked boys so I must be a girl.

"Then puberty hit... All the boys got taller and more toned, with sharp jawlines and broad shoulders, and I got tits and periods. I actually cried when my mom bought me my first bra, because I was just going to be another girl and I'd end up getting even more lost in the crowd. Everything got a bit shit from there... usual teenage problems were, like, twice as bad because I wasn't sure which problems I was supposed to be dealing with? I still hung out with girls, and we talked about boys, but I still didn't know what was wrong with me. I ended up having my hair cut shorter, but still long enough to be 'girly', but I wore t-shirt and jeans all the time, and I started wearing sports bras more because it made my chest look a little flatter. I started getting all the dumb lesbian jokes aimed at me, but they just didn't affect me at all. I knew I wasn't attracted to girls, but being attracted to girls wasn't a bad thing either.

"Then, when I got to highschool, and I saw posters on the clubs board for the LGBT+ Society. I had basically no idea what anything other than the L and G stood for. A guy saw me reading the poster and asked if I was going to go. I said no, because I wasn't a lesbian and I was worried if I said yes that he was going to beat me up. I went home, looked up what LGBT meant, and found out about what being transgender meant. It felt like someone had fixed a loose connection somewhere inside of me and I knew what all my confusion had been about. I felt like a boy."

Gerard shrugged, looking at Frank with something in his eye that looked like fear. Fear of judgement, rejection, disgust.

"What happened after that?"

"I decided to go to the LGBT group, and it really helped me. There was a girl there who was hoping to transition soon, but her parents had only agreed that she could start estrogen on her eighteenth. I mentioned her to my parent and their reaction basically told me that I should keep being trans a secret. I did mention it to Mikey though, and my grandma... the only thing she was upset about was not having her name as my middle name anymore. She was religious, but she just accepted that maybe Go had put me in the wrong body by mistake. I hadn't really thought about changing my name until a few months later when I knew I'd never be happy as a girl. Gerard Arthur Way sounded good to me, and Mikey started calling me Gee. We said it was short for Angela when our parents asked where the nickname had come from.

"I kept it all secret, even while living with them until.. well, last month. I worked as a comic artist for a few years after college when I had to move back home, saving up enough to move out and start taking testosterone. It's... it's pretty expensive, because my health insurance doesn't cover it because it's not deemed as 'medically necessary'. I spent a lot of my time hidden away for the past few months when I started the hormone therapy, because they were bound to notice, especially since I started wearing a binder and having my hair a little shorter. My parents found out about a month ago, when my voice started breaking to the point that I couldn't hide it anymore. My parents kicked me out straight away, even though my dad tried to make my mom let me stay until I could arrange something. Thankfully, Mikey has his own place so I stayed there. He went back to get my stuff, but I think my mom redecorated my old room to look like it did when i was about nine so she can pretend she still has a daughter." Gerard sniffed, his voice getting thick with tears again, "I managed to get this place, and I've made sure that my mom doesn't have my address... when I explained everything to them... she was..." he laughed bitterly, "Less than supportive."

Frank dared to edge a little closer and placed a hand tentatively on Gerard's knee, making the older man look up, almost surprised.

"So... Where does everything stand now? Like... with you, your situation, your... um, progress?" Frank frowned, "I'm sorry, i don't know if that was rude or... Sorry."

"It's alright," he smiled sadly, "I don't expect you to know how to deal with this straight away... urm, okay," Gerard raised a hand to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear, and Frank could see he was shaking, "I've been on monthly testosterone injections for seven months at fairly small doses and I'm saving up for surgery to have, uh... have my breasts removed. I've had my name legally changed, but I still need to get it in all my legal documents, and I'm still legally a female- and mostly physically as well. I, uh..." his voice shook, "Terri at the coffee shop knows about my transitioning, but she's the only person who does. I think everyone else just thinks I'm some ugly dyke..."

"Hey, no... don't say that..." Frank squeezed his knee, desperately wanting to pull Gerard into a hug as he started sobbing, but he held back, not knowing if he'd be overstepping the mark.

"I'm sorry for not telling you, Frank, I'm so, so so-orry... You just... you saw me as a man straight away and I was so happy, I just wanted to keep it like this for a little while longer, it just felt good to have someone like me for who I really am inside and I just..." he hiccuped a sob, before whispering, "I'm sorry I lied."

"It's okay... I... I guess I get why you did it, but it wasn't even really lying. You were just being the real you. I mean, it might have been more of a shock if you didn't tell me before we got to the bedroom- if we got to the bedroom, you know?"

"Are you s-sure?" Gerard sniffed, wiping his eyes and blinking back more tears, "You don't... don't want to not see me anymore?"

"I still want to see you! Why wouldn't I?"

"You're a guy who likes guys, and I have a fucking vagina." Gerard said bluntly, folding his arms and sitting forwards again.

"Yeah, I like guys, but I'm bisexual, and I'm not so shallow that I wouldn't date someone because of how their body was..." Frank rubbed his hand over Gerard's knee, partly for comfort, partly to hid his shakes, "So... you don't have the 'right bits'? I still like Mr Gerard Arthur Way... I like you, Gerard, okay? I said, when we first met, that if you needed a friend you know where I am. Right now... I reckon you need a friend, and I am right. Here." He gently took hold of one of Gerard's hands that was curled in his lap, squeezing it softly.

"Thank you," Gerard whispered, so softly he may as well just have mouthed the words.

"You know, I've been wondering why you're so... Well, feminine. I mean, the way you act. You're absolutely gorgeous, you know, especially for a guy, but you just... you act-"

"I know," Gerard managed a small smile, "I still act very feminine... I've always been like that. I'm just pretty theatrical I guess, but I don't mind. I still wear eyeliner sometimes. Just because I'm transitioning to male, it doesn't mean that I have to be a stereotype man. I am my own creation, and I'm getting happier. I don't mind you calling me feminine, or flamboyant, because I know I am and I like it, even while wanting to be a man. It's a part of ho I am, which made it a little tricky, figuring it all out to start with... you know, being feminine, being attracted to boys, that's why it took so long, and why I needed a new start."

"I'm glad I get to be part of your new start." Frank smiled sweetly, "And, if... this, us, doesn't work out for whatever reason, you can always count on me as a friend, I promise."

Gerard turned his head away, but Frank saw the blush on his cheeks.

"Can... Can I kiss you?" He muttered, sounding nervous. Frank's reply was to gently take Gerard's cheek in his hand, cupping his jaw and tilting his face closer, sealing their lips together in a sweet, lingering kiss. They stayed like this for a few moments, Frank feeling the warmth of Gerard's skin under his touch, the grip of the older man's fingers on his shoulder, holding them close.

In his head, Frank did understand. He understood completely; he knew what being transgender meant, and he was really happy that Gerard had been honest with him and trusted him. It was just going to be difficult for him to not accidentally say something wrong and offend Gerard, and to get used to whatever changes Gerard would go through in the next few months. Not to mention how things would work in the bedroom, or how Gerard would won't things to work, even.

"Gerard," Frank whispered, breaking apart from his lips, keeping their foreheads resting together, "I want you to call in sick today, okay. I'll call my work back, see what they want, but I'm staying here today, is that alright?"

"Oh, Frank, you don't need to do tha-"

"You need someone with you right now, and I guess we have some stuff to talk about, too," he smiled softly, catching Gerard's eye. the small distance between them meant Frank could see every coloured strand, every eyelash, every tear stain and vein in those sad, beautiful eyes; if he hadn't wanted to stay before, he sure as hell wanted to now.

"Okay," Gerard smiled, nudging his nose against Frank's, "You call your people, I'll call Terri."

"Sure thing, babe." Frank kissed him again before getting off the couch and going into the call, returning the missed call. He smiled, breathing a sigh of some sort of relief. This was more of a secret than he'd expected Gerard to be hiding, but that didn't mean he was going to go. Gerard needed someone, and Frank wanted to be that someone.


	12. Slowtown

  
  
_"Hey, hey, wouldn't it be great, great,_  
_If we could just lay down and wake up in Slowtown?_  
_Today, day, I want to go away, way,_  
_'Cause things are too fast now,_  
_I want to be in Slowtown"_  
**\- Slowtown, twenty|one|pilots**  
  


* * *

 

Frank and Gerard had fallen asleep in each others arms that night, after Gerard explaining that he'd only not wanted Frank to touch his back because of his binder, and that at night he either wore a tight sports bra or nothing at all. He'd simply been scared of Frank finding out his secret, but he didn't need to be scared anymore. Of course, they were still only taking tiny baby steps, but they were both comfortable with where they stood now.

In the morning, they'd stayed in bed, not really doing much other than kissing a little and shuffling their limbs around. It was Sunday, and neither of them had anywhere to be, so laying in bed seemed like a reasonable thing to do.

"Hey, Gerard?"

"Hm... yeah?" Gerard sat up, propping his head on his elbow and looking at Frank.

"I've just remembered something weird... have I ever mentioned a woman called Maya to you?"

"Urm... I don't think so. Why?"

Frank rolled over to face Gerard, "She's this little old Romani lady who comes to the store a lot, and she's always brings me messages from the 'spirit world', like fortunes."

"Like... a mystic?" Gerard smirked, growing with intrigue.

"Yeah, exactly... Well, she always comes to talk to me, and usually the messages are kinda generic crap that you'd get for a dollar out of a fortune machine at the fair, but recently... I think they've been about you."

"Huh?" Gerard sat up now, legs crossed and duvet still over his lap, "About... what? What about me?"

"Nothing, like, *personal*," Frank sat up against the headboard, "It was still kinda vague but now I look back as what she's said, knowing what I do now, I think she sensed something about you."

"Well, what did she say?"

"Urm... Well, the first time she told me not to put my happiness in your hands because even though you're a good person, you were conflicted? I don't know..."

"When was that?"

"Two days after we first met. I, uh," Frank scratched the back of his head awkwardly, feeling the heat rise in his face, "I kinda fancied you straight off."

"Seriously?" Gerard raised a judging eyebrow, smirking at Frank.

"Sorry, you're cute!"

Gerard smiled and blushed deeply, looking away, then glancing at Frank again, like he had a secret.

"What?" Frank laughed nervously.

"When I, uh... I thought you were pretty hot when I first saw you. Just the... the tattoos, and your face, and your arms..."

"My arms?"

"Yeah... you've got really nice arms. You're shoulders are... I just, uh..."

"What is it?" Frank saw that Gerard was blushing and fumbling his words, "Come on," he laughed, "Spit it out."

"I just thought you have really amazing arms and I wondered what it'd be like to have you hold me tight, you know?"

"Oh really?" Frank raised a teasing eyebrow, a look of fear coming over Gerard's face as Frank suddenly lunged forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around Gerard's middle and tipped them back on the bed, Gerard pinned beneath him, one arm trapped beneath Gerard's waist. The older man looked shocked to say the least, but also happy. Frank grinned mischievously and leaned down, kissing him quickly and passionately, pressing him to the mattress. Gerard squeaked, kissing back but remaining otherwise very still. Frank thought something might be wrong, so he pulled away, looking down at Gerard to see him wide-eyed and very startled. He seemed to have been holding his breath, as Frank moved back a little further and he breathed out heavily.

"What's wrong?"

"I, uh... Sorry." Gerard said very softly, eyes still wide, gaze flickering between each of Frank's eyes.

"No, don't be sorry. What's the matter?"

"I'm... I'm not really comfortable with you laying on top of me like that. O-or grabbing me quite so fast." Gerard still looked scared, and Frank realised the look of fear in his eyes had been genuine, and he immediately scrambled off him.

"I'm so sorry, I should have realised," Frank sat up and held out a hand to Gerard, helping him sit back up, "I wasn't thinking."

"It's alright, I just... I'm not used to not wearing my binder around people, so just... I feel kind of exposed. Actually," a slight panic returned to his eyes, "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Before Frank could even react, Gerard was off the bed and out of the door, heading for he bathroom. Frank knew that he'd gone to put his binder on. He realised that this wasn't just a case of Frank understanding and accepting Gerard's transition; it was a lot more about Gerard's confidence. Not even that, 'confidence' was an understatement. Gerard was born in the wrong body and he'd lost his parents because they'd rather have an unhappy daughter than a happy, confident son.

"Sorry," Gerard walked back into the room, tugging on the hem of his ratty Star Wars t-shirt, "I just, uh..." he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder, "...Yeah. Sorry."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Look, come here," Frank knelt up and shuffled to the edge of the bed, Gerard standing in front of him. Reaching up with one hand, cupping Gerard's soft, pale cheek, and putting his other hand on Gerard's hip, Frank very gently pulled them closer together and leaned up a little to kiss Gerard. It was tender and sweet, and frank felt Gerard melt against him a little as he leaned forwards and rested his hands on Frank's shoulders. They kissed like this for a few seconds longer, Frank really enjoying the closeness, until they each pulled away, smiling. Gerard kept his eyes closed for a few moments longer, before looking up at Frank through his lashes, a soft blush colouring his cheeks. Frank brushed a lock of hair behind Gerard's ear and whispered to him,

"You do whatever you need to to feel comfortable. If you want to try break out of that comfort zone at all, you let me know and I'll try to help."

"Thank you, Frank..." he whispered back, smiling, "Now, what else did this mystic tell you about me, then?" Gerard smiled, hands sliding up from Frank's shoulders to loop around the back of his neck.

"This one's a weird one, but it makes sense now... She said that everything in your mind was, like, sorted out, and that I needed to show you that you can trust me because you're an angel."

Gerard's face dropped as Frank carried on, "I think it was probably a reference to your birth name somehow. The spirits or whatever must have told her. But, Gerard," Frank could see him getting upset and moved to cup his cheek comfortingly, "Gee, I like the man in front of me now, and I honestly thought that she meant you were just an amazing person which was very easy for me to believe. Plus, you're gorgeous. Saying that you're literally from heaven would have been easily believable too."

Gerard smiled, Frank feeling the muscles pull under his cheek as his eyes sparkled with unspilt tears.

"Do you know what else she said?"

"No..."

"She called you my 'lovely one'."

"Your lovely one?" Gerard blushed, looking surprised.

"Yep," Frank grinned, "Now, I never even mentioned you to her, so I think we should listen to the spirits a little more."

"I think we maybe should."

"Hey Gerard?"

"Yes Frank?"

"The spirits are telling me to kiss you."

"That's such a lame move," Gerard giggled, leaning his head into Frank's hand, gazing at Frank with glittering eyes.

"I know it is," Frank smiled, leaning in to kiss Frank gently, pulling him closer by the hip as they let the kiss deepen, both of them feeling the other still smiling.


	13. Winter Winds

  
_"Oh, the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms,_   
_Was it love or fear of the cold that lead us through the night?_   
_For every kiss your beauty trumps my doubt"_   
**\- Winter Winds, Mumford & Sons**   
  


* * *

  
  
Two weeks on, and Frank and Gerard were happy and content with each other.

They'd gone out for dinner together, stopped by at each others homes on weekends, they'd dropped by each others work places a few times, and Gerard was gaining confidence around Frank.

He spent more time in bed with Frank not wearing his binder, or anything to bind his chest at night. Frank had even seen him, while Gerard had been in a hurry to get dressed, flit through the kitchen one morning in black jeans and a black chest binder, Gerard either not minding or not noticing that he was shirtless.

They still hadn't slept together in the sexual sense of the word, though they had spent many nights in one another beds, in each others arms. There had been a night or two of heavy petting and grinding wherein they may or may not have gotten off with one another, but for the most part their relationship remained fairly tame and more romantic than sexual. Frank shared whatever Gerard wanted to know about him, about his childhood and how his love of music and playing guitar lead him into the bands he'd been in. Likewise, Frank learned more and more about Gerard as the days had progressed; about his artwork; about his love of music and (to Frank's surprise) singing; about the man he was now and even the girl he used to be. They'd grown close surprisingly fast, like the best of friends in the best of ways.

Saturday afternoon meant Frank found himself bundled up against the December chill, chin buried into his scarf and jacket as he made his way down to the coffee shop. Gerard was due to finish his shift in half an hour, so Frank thought he may as well pop by, grab a coffee, then maybe go back to his with Gerard for a little while.

Stepping into Mara's was like being hugged by coffee and Christmas now, with the peppermint hot chocolates and ginger lattes on sale, and only another week of work before people started their official Christmas breaks. The little cafe was humming softly with chatter and the clinking of cups and spoons on saucers. Frank smiled as he spotted Gerard behind the counter, trying to make a red and green paper chain stay looped over the specials board up in the wall. He was dressed in his usual all black, but a thin strip of pale white skin was peeking out from under his t-shirt as he reached up the wall.

Frank smiled at the sight and strode over to the counter, hitting the small bell once and making Gerard spin around, almost losing his balance. He sudden turn with his arm raised made him look like a starstruck ballerina.

"Oh Frank! God," he grinned, leaning on the counter, "You made me jump! Hey, is that my scarf?" He pointed to the long knitted garment around Frank's neck, to which the younger just smiled.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, you left it at mine the other day and it's cold."

"Oh, don't worry about it, it's fine. Looks cute on you."

Something looked different about Gerard today, and it took a moment to pinpoint exactly what it was.

"Gee, did you have a haircut?"

Gerard's fingers reached up to tug the shorter jet strands, which also seemed to be freshly dyed to a solid, glossy black.

"Yeah, does, uh.. does it look okay?" Gerard frowned, tipping his head to one side, still twirling the lock in his hair. It was cute in a 'god-I-want-to-kiss-you' kind of way to Frank.

"You look great, babe," Frank smiled. Gerard really did look good. The shorter, choppier, more styled look gave Gerard's face some definition, casting spidery shadows down his cheeks and around his jaw. He'd been looking a little more masculine since his last testosterone shot anyway, but this really was next level gorgeous, "Really, really great."

Gerard beamed, "I'm glad you think so," he turned away, busying himself with the coffee machine, knowing Frank would want his usual black coffee, "How's your day been?"

"Oh, it's been alright. Screaming toddler managed to pull a whole tray of pasta sauce off the shelf today, so that was fun to clear up. Oh, and Maya had another message for me..."

"Oh really?" Gerard turned an raised an eyebrow, "What did she say?"

"I'll tell you later, you just finish your shift then we can head back to mine."

"Okay," Gerard handed over the cup of coffee, leaning across the counter and gently pecking Frank's lips, "See you in a bit."

"See you soon."

Gerard then went off to find Theresa so that she could cover the till and he could take stock. Theresa was too short to reach the higher shelves in the storeroom, therefore it was Gerard's responsibility at the end of every day.

Half an hour and one coffee later, Gerard and Frank were making their way down the street towards Frank's apartment building, both bundled against the cold and walking as close together as they could manage. Five o'clock had left the town dark, the orange glow of the street lights bouncing off Gerard's hair and illuminating his pale, pretty face.

Frank took his hand out of his pocket, sneakily sliding it into Gerard's pocket and wrapping his fingers around Gerard's. The older man glanced across at Frank, the blush invisible in the cold, but the twinkle of adoration shone in his eye as they swung their hands between them against the cold.

  
  
\---*---

  
  
"Hey, so what was it Maya said to you today?" Gerard curled his feet under himself on the sofa, coffee cup cradled in his hands as he turned his head to face Frank.

"Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot about that. Urm..." Frank rubbed his forehead as he thought. Maya hadn't made a big deal about it, she'd just slipped it into casual aisle conversation, "It was something really mundane... She said that the angel at the top of the Christmas tree will be the best gift this year."

"The angel on... really?" Gerard frowned, "Does she mean me?"

"I guess so, because I usually have a star on the top of my Christmas tree." Frank put an arm around Gerard's shoulder, careful not to knock him and spill his coffee, "Don't worry though, I was actually going to ask what we're doing for Christmas? I imagine you're seeing Mikey?"

"Oh, yeah, uh... You're not going to be alone though, are you?"

"Oh no, don't worry. I'll be going to visit my mom in the morning, stay for lunch, then go out for drinks with friends and hope that my dad might call. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he has his girlfriend and her family to cook for and visit, so... you know." He shrugged, Gerard nodding.

"Yeah, I'll be spending the day with Mikey and his girlfriend. This is... it's my first Christmas since I started transitioning, and the first one where I won't be seeing my parents."

"Oh..." Frank paused to think for a moment, "Well, I could always ditch my friends, we could spend the night together?"

"I wouldn't want to mess up your plans, Frank, you don't nee-"

"Gerard, babe, listen," Frank interrupted, "I really wouldn't mind. I can have a few afternoon drinks with friends, then we can spent the evening together, watch Nightmare Before Christmas maybe? Then we could have our own little Christmas on Boxing Day with a few little presents and pancakes and hot chocolate."

"Sounds good to me," Gerard smiled, leaning towards Frank. They kissed chastely, breaking apart and leaning in for each new kiss.

Frank loved how Gerard seemed to initiate all their little casual kisses, just sweet pecks here and there throughout the time they'd spend together. It usually took Frank to catch Gerard's wanting look for them to start making out, but Frank had gotten good at telling when Gerard wanted to.

"Hey... Gee?" Frank asked between light, lazy kisses, getting a hum in reply.

"I was... thinking... I want to meet your brother properly."

"What, why?" Gerard pulled back, sipping his coffee gently.

"Well, he's your family, and, like, the first time we met wasn't in the best, was it?"

"Hm, I guess so..." Gerard looked sideways at Frank and quirked an eyebrow, "Is this your version of wanting to meet the parents?"

"Kinda, yeah. I think... I think if I were Mikey I'd be worried about you. I just want reassure him that I'm not some dangerous creep." He shrugged, "You can meet my mom in the new year if you like?"

Gerard smiled shyly, "You... you really think we're there? Meeting each others families?"

"I feel like we might me, yeah. But if you don't want to, we don't have to, babe."

"No, no, I do," Gerard grinned, "It's really sweet that you don't want Mikey to worry, and that you want to introduce me to your mom. You know, I think Mikey does need some reassurance. Whenever I mention you, he kinda frowns which is really saying something because Mikey is *not* usually an outwardly emotive person."

"Wow, okay then... Have you spoken to him about me then?"

"I've mentioned you, of course," Gerard smiled, "And I am pretty sure that you and him would get on great. Me and him have similar tastes in music and comics, but he likes Brit-pop more than I do I think, and he plays bass."

"Don't worry, Gee," Frank kissed his cheek softly, "Even if we don't end up as best buddies we'll still get on. For your sake at least."

"Okay," Gerard snuggled against his side, head against Frank's shoulder, "You know, you're one of the best things to happen to me in a long time."

"I'm glad. You're one of the best things to happen to me, too."

They smiled at each other, Frank then pressing a kiss to Gerard's high cheekbone before they both turned their attention back to the television as a light dusting of snow drifted past the window outside.


	14. Oh Brother

  
  
_"Time it will change us but don't you forget_   
_You are the only brother I've got_   
_I'll see you when I see you"_   
**\- Oh Brother, Frank Turner**   
  
  


* * *

 

"Stop making such a fuss, you don't need to try to impress him," Gerard messed with Frank's collar, unbuttoning the two top buttons of his black shirt that Frank kept fastening despite that fact they practically choked him, "You just need to be yourself. That's why we're doing this."

"I know, I know," Frank sighed, looking up into Gerard's eyes, "I'm just nervous, you know? I haven't met anyone's parents since I was about twenty, I forgot how much of a big deal it is."

"It doesn't have to be a big deal, because Mikey is not my parents." Gerard smoothed out Frank's collar and rested his hands on the younger man's shoulders, "He's, like, a year older than you, and he's gonna be on his best behaviour tonight because Alicia's gonna be there."

Frank thought for a moment, "Alicia is.... Mikey's girlfriend?"

"Mikey's girlfriend, yes," Gerard nodded, grinning, "She plays bass and a bit of guitar too, into the same stuff as Mikey really, little more..." Gerard tilted his head, looking for the right word, "Punchy? I don't know, she's just kinda badass. You'll like her."

Frank sighed again, looking from Gerard's eyes, down to their feet, up to the loose collar of Gerard's shirt and back up to Gerard's eyes, watching him with slight worry. Frank reached up, cupping Gerard's face in his hand and kissing him sweetly.

"I just want to make this work."

"I know. So do I," Gerard quickly pecked the corner of Frank's mouth, turning away and grabbing his jacket from the arm of the couch, "Come on, they're going to be expecting us in fifteen minutes."

"Okay babe, let me just grab my keys."  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
Mikey's apartment block was small, but his flat was rather large. Bigger than Frank's at least, homely and lived-in. It was clearly the home of a couple, photos in frames on tables and dressers, their shoes in the hall and coats hung on the wall. Frank found it surprisingly cute, almost as surprising as how invested he'd gotten in the whole 'couples' scene since being with Gerard.

Mikey had let them in, hugging Gerard and awkwardly raising a hand in greeting to Frank, before leading them through to the living room. The living room was weirdly similar to Gerard's in terms of the graphic novels, comics, DVD selection and comic art on the walls. The art Mikey and Alicia had chosen though was Batman, Robin, the Joker and Harley Quinn, rather than Hellboy.

"Alicia," Mikey called through the room, "Gee and Frank are here!"

A young, slim, pretty girl with long, straight dark hair, olive skin and dark eye makeup popped her head around the doorway between the kitchen and the living room.

"Hang on a sec," she said quickly, disappearing again. There was a clatter sounding like rattling baking trays and an oven door, before Alicia appeared again. She spotted Gerard and grinned, holding out her arms to the older man.

"Gee! Baby!" She walked forwards and embraced Gerard, who hugged back grinning happily, "How are you?"

"I'm great, Lis', really great! How're you?"

"Oh, you know," Alicia stepped back out of the hug,"Muddlin' through like always."

Her gaze shifted to Frank, and Gerard got the hint.

"Oh, um... Alicia, this is Frank. Frank, this is Alicia, the closest thing I have to a sister."

"Nice to finally meet the guy that's been making Gerard go all starry-eyed!" Alicia laughed, holding out a hand for Frank to shake, which he did, warmly.

"Ah, so he'd mentioned me a lot then?"

"More like he mentioned you once and we keep talking about you to make him go all embarrassed." She laughed again, shoving her hands in the pockets of her purple jeans and rocking on the balls of her feet.

"You. Are mean." Gerard pointed at her warningly, still smiling though, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Yeah, but you love me still."

"Alicia!" Mikey yelled from the kitchen, Frank only just noticing that Mikey was no longer in the room. Alicia rolled her eyes and yelled back,

"What?"

"You remember how it's totally possible to burn pasta?"

"Oh shit-" Alicia spun on her heel and disappeared around the door frame faster that Frank could blink, being welcomed into the kitchen with the sounds of hissing steam.

Frank looked at Gerard worriedly.

"Is this... you know... Safe?" He quirked an eyebrow, making Gerard huff out a laugh.

"Don't worry, they're a little crazy but totally capable. So far..."  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
"So, Frank," Mikey asked around a mouthful of veggie meatball, "This is, like, your version of meeting the parents?"

"Yeah, sort of." Frank nodded, "I mean, the first time you and me met wasn't the best, was it? And, well... I like Gerard," he smiled, trying not to blush, "I reckon we could have something good going, you know?"

He glanced across at Gerard, who was smiling down at his plate. They made eye contact and Gerard grinned wider, small teeth showing as his eyes sparkled and he looked away again quickly.

"Oh my god," Alicia squealed, "You two are so fucking cute."

"Shut up," Gerard muttered, straightening up in his seat and speaking up, "I'm meeting Frank's mom in the new year, but it was his idea to meet you first, Mikes."

"I just wanted to show you that I'm an alright guy. You seemed a little... off, when we first met."

"Oh, right," Mikey nodded in understanding, "No, it was just that it's been a while since Gee's been with anyone and it just wasn't a good time to be making introductions, was it?"

"What happened?" Alicia asked, twirling her fork in her spaghetti and looking between Mikey and Frank.

"I told you, you know... the present from our mom."

"She's not my mom," Gerard interjected suddenly, "She's my mother, yeah, but I'm not gonna call her 'Mom' again."

"Fair enough," Mikey shrugged, Alicia looking over at Frank and Gerard.

"Was that the photo album?" she asked as though it were something she shouldn't be bringing up. Frank didn't want Gerard to have to talk about it (Knowing that even he and Gerard hadn't spoken about the photos since the first time), so he answered the silent question on Alicia's lips.

"Yeah, and we've spoken about it all. This is part of the reason that I wanted to meet Mikey properly, because I hope Gerard trusts me enough to let me help him with anything he needs. I know Gee's trans, and I'm going to be with him for as long as he needs and wants me by his side." Frank put down his fork and reached for Gerard's free hand, gently squeezing his fingers in reassurance, "I want you to trust me, Gerard, and I want you, Mikey, to trust me with Gerard. If that makes sense?" he looked back at the man whose hand he was holding and smiled sweetly.

"You're so fucking sappy," Gerard laugh nervously, squeezing Frank's fingers back.

Mikey looked between the two of them, face still deadpan but with a hint of a smile in his eyes.

"Frank, if you're really going to this trouble just to show Gee he can trust you, they you're alright in my books, dude."

"Thanks... And, yeah, it's for Gerard. Plus," Frank smiled across at Gerard, "Gerard said you two play bass, and that you," he looked at Alicia, "Play a big of guitar?"

"Oh, only a little bit," she shrugged, "But yeah, we're bassists. Do you play?"

"I play guitar, yeah. And I sing... Kind of. I have a band."

"Same," Alicia poked a meatball on her plate, "I play bass in a band From First To Last."

"Oh cool, cool. I've seen your show posters around actually! My band's called Pencey Prep."

"Oh no way! I've seen you guys once, like... fucking years ago! Didn't you have dreadlocks back then?"

"Oh, uh... yeah. Then the red mohawk."

"Yeah! Dude, wow... Kudos on your pipes, man."

"Ha, thanks." Frank smiled, catching Gerard's eye.

"You used to have dreads?"

"It was, uh... I was a college stoner." Frank laughed, before shoving a forkful of meatball and spaghetti into his mouth.

"Looks like your boyfriend's a bit of a lil' punk badass, eh?" Mikey said, smirking at the two of them.

"Hey, less of the 'little', thanks." Frank retorted, sticking his tongue out, Mikey recoiling at the sight and making the others laugh.

The rest of the night went extraordinarily well. The four of them spoke about music and Frank's tattoos, about Alicia's band, about this and that, and conversation flowed easily. Frank was glad they'd done this, and he was glad that the Way brothers trusted him. Trust like that was a good feeling for Frank, and he didn't want it to end.


	15. Take Off Your Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.**

  
_"I know baby you're frustrated_  
_But I'd like it if we waited_  
_Get a little more acquainted,_  
_It's better when anticipated"_  
**\- Take Off Your Clothes, Morningwood**  
  
  


* * *

 

This Christmas had been one of the rare Christmases where Lyndhurst woke up to find the world outside blanketed in solid white, the roads obscured even, without a tire mark it footprint to be seen.

Frank had almost felt bad for being the first to drive down the street at eleven that morning, but strangely satisfied knowing he was the first to mark the snow.

Christmas dinner at him mom's house had been pleasant enough. It had been a while since they'd spoken properly, almost two months, so she had no idea about his relationship with Gerard. When he did bring up the subject of Gerard, his mother seemed to suss what was going on immediately. When Frank then brought up bringing Gerard to meet her in the new year, she was more than happy to say yes.

She'd kissed his cheek and warned him to drive safely.

"I just hope that slush on the roads hasn't frozen over again. Total death trap."

As Frank had pulled into his driveway at around four, his pocket buzzed with the arrival of a text. Cutting the engine, he pulled out his phone and saw it was a text from Gerard.

'my mother showed up at mikeys, plz let me know when i can come over, alicia will give me a lift xo'

Frank was suddenly angry and saddened. Angry at Gerard's mother for still interfering, and saddened as he thought about how upset Gerard must have been. He knew Mikey would have done his best to get rid of her though, and there was no way would he have let her in.

He quickly tapped out a reply, 'are you alright?? Come over whenever xo' and exited the car, dashing through the cold air,across the parking lot and into the apartment building.

Assuming Gerard was on his way over now, Frank made sure he had everything sorted in the apartment. He had bought a yule log cake that week for this evening, and had made sure he had the nicest hot chocolate he could find. He also made sure that the few gifts he'd bought for Gerard were tucked safely under the Christmas tree, and that Nightmare Before Christmas was in the DVD player ready to watch.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes later there was a knock on the door which, when answered, left Frank being kissed a little forcefully by a cold-cheeked Gerard.

"Merry Christmas," Gerard murmured against Frank's lips, both of them smiling.

"Mmhh... Merry Christmas to you too," Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's slim middle and hugged him tightly for a moment before shutting the door, stopping the cold air from the hall flooding his apartment.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked, scanning Gerard's face for any signs of upset

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Gerard nodded, smiling softly, "My mother just showed up, tried to get into the flat."

"Shall we go sit down and you can tell me, yeah?"

"Okay," Gerard smiled, taking off his rucksack and shrugging off his winter coat. Underneath he was wearing a black woollen sweater, paired with his usual black jeans and combat boots, the treads full of compacted snow. He thankfully took off his boots and padded through to the living room in his red socks, but stopped just inside the door.

The room was lit only by the twinkling of the Christmas tree, lights of purple and yellow shining across the room, and three candles on the shelf on the wall, filling the room with the warm scent of cinnamon. "Oh, Frank," he gasped, "It's so beautiful in here!"

Frank walked up behind Gerard and wrapped his arms around Gerard's middle and rested his chin in the taller man's shoulder, "Well, it's Christmas, it's cold outside, and I thought we could just have a nice cosy night in... I've got hot chocolate and Nightmare Before Christmas ready to play. And that super soft blanket you said you love. Then we can have our own little Christmas in the morning and open presents, yeah?"

"Hmm, that sounds really great," Gerard turned around in Frank arms and gently pecked his lips, "Can I just go put my bag in your room?"

"Sure babe, I'll go make our drinks."

"Oh, do you have any candy canes?"

"Of course I do," Frank grinned back at Gerard, "I remembered you said you like them in hot chocolate."

"You're a star," Gerard smiled, disappearing back into the hall and towards Frank's room.  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
Frank and Gerard were cuddled up together on Frank's sofa, Gerard humming along to the songs in the classic animation, each of them cradling a cup of hot chocolate, Gerard's with a peppermint candy cane in his, the softest of Frank's blankets across their legs and tucked up over their chests. For no apparent reason, Frank suddenly remembered that Gerard didn't explain what had happened with his mother.

"Hey, Gee?"

The older man simply hummed in reply and looked at him.

"You didn't say... what, uh... happened when your mom showed up earlier?"

"Oh, yeah," he sat up a little straighter, being careful of his drink, "She just showed up at the house, asked if 'her daughter' was there. Mikey replied with something like 'No, but my brother is' and they started arguing. I didn't even see her though, and I was pretty proud of Mikey for standing up to her." he smiled and shrugged, "I'm not as upset as I thought I would be, just a bit pissed off at her, really."

"That's... That's actually pretty great, Gee," Frank smiled, "That's real progress."

"It's mostly thanks to you though," he leaned his head on Frank's shoulder, "You've really helped me find some self confidence, Frank, especially with, like, my gender identity." he looked up at Frank with wide innocent eyes, "You've helped me accept things... I'm just a lot happier, more accepting of how things are, and they way they're going to be for now."

Frank smiled broadly, impossibly happy, "I'm so fucking proud of you... Like, you've been so much happier these past few weeks, and you really have come far... And, yeah, it's a process that you're going through, and I want to be with you every step of the way. I'll help in any way I can, babe."

"I know you will," Gerard smiled, leaning up and capturing Frank's lips in a soft kiss. Giving that the older man was slumped lower in his seat, Frank pressed down against his lips, leaning over him a little.

It was quickly obvious that they had to put their drinks down, before Frank gently pushed Gerard back until his shoulders were resting against the arm of the sofa, their lips moving together sweetly and slowly, still half under the blanket.

It wasn't long until Gerard's fingers were trailing down Frank's sides, tracing his skin along the hem of his t-shirt, slowly working his hands underneath. Warm skin against warm skin, Frank pressed a little more of his weight against Gerard, earning a pleased hum and a squeeze of fingers on his back. Their tongues worked slowly against one anothers until Frank slowed the kiss down, trailing his lips across Gerard's cheek and towards his neck, his skin still baby soft and stubble free. Gerard gasped softly and made a small 'uh' noise as Frank tested his willingness by lapping at his neck with the very tip of his tongue, taking the tiny moan as a 'yes' and continued kissing and gently, gently biting at Gerard's neck. He bit harder, and more suddenly, at Gerard's collarbone, making Gerard moan, almost whimper, and arch up against him then drop his body back onto the sofa, eyes widen open, mouth agape.

"Frank! Uh, Frank, baby..." Gerard panted, a little overcome as he moved a hand to gently push Frank back, "Can I just, like... have a sec?"

"Oh," Frank backed up a little, watching Gerard's face carefully, "Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure... I'm... I'm sorry-"

"No, no, no! Frank, don't worry," Gerard laughed, sitting up and pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Frank's mouth, "You didn't do anything wrong, I just... I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

"Okay," Frank sat back down as Gerard stood up and headed into the hall, "I'll be right here."

Gerard just smiled as he slipped around the door frame and out of sight, Frank hearing a door shut a few seconds later. Frank decided to turn his attention back to the film that was still playing, watching the strange characters dance around the screen and opting to ignore the semi hard-on in his jeans, not sure where the night might lead from here. He'd be more than happy to end up with his hand in Gerard's pants, or Gerard's in his, or both, but he was always going to respect Gerard's boundaries.

A few minutes later, just as Frank was starting to wonder what could be taking Gerard so long, he heard a call of his name.

"Can you come here?"

"Yeah, why? Where are you?" Frank got up, paused the film and walked down the hall, noticing that there was no light coming from beneath the bathroom door. Instead, the was a very faint glow fanning across the carpet from the bottom of his bedroom door.

"Gerard? What're you doing?" he pushed open the door, and was starstruck.

Most of the available surfaces in his bedroom were now covered with lit candles, bathing the room in flickering golden light and scenting the air with what smelt like strawberries. Gerard sat on the edge of his bed, smiling sheepishly, something held in his hands. He'd removed his jumped and was now wearing a light grey button-up shirt, his pale skin glowing in the candlelight, eyes catching the dancing flames reflections.

"What's going on?" Frank couldn't stop a small smile creeping onto his lips as he looked around, "Where did all these candles come from?"

Gerard smiled and held up what had been in his hands, a match box, "I brought them with me." He put the matches down on the bedside table and made his way over to Frank.

"That doesn't explain what you're doing with them though," Frank muttered as Gerard looped his arms around Frank's shoulders, kissing his neck softly.

"I'm creating a romantic atmosphere, silly," Gerard's lips brushed Frank's skin as he spoke, kissing back up to the younger man's lips and capturing them easily. Frank's heart sped up a little as they kissed in the doorway, until Gerard pulled him into the room, shut the door and pressed Frank against it, rocking their hips together and feeling that Frank was still semi hard.

"Frank," Gerard muttered against Frank's lips, biting his lips gently and pulling on it,

"Uh-huh,"

"I know you said we'd open presents in the morning, but," he quickly and hotly kissed Frank once more, "I have one you need to open now."

Frank opened his eyes as Gerard withdrew his hand from over his shoulder and held something in between their faces. For a second Frank focused on Gerard's face, eyes dark and lips red and kiss swollen. Then he left his gaze shift to what Gerard held between his fingers.

A condom.

"Oh..." Frank stared at the square foil packet, then at Gerard, "Gee, babe, are you sure you-"

"Frank," Gerard interrupted, pressing against him completely and resting their foreheads together and gazing deeply into Frank's eyes, "I have wanted you for so long, and I bet you've wanted me, too." He trailed a hand down, caressing between Frank's hip and the top of his thigh, "And you've given me enough confidence to do this with you." He moved his lips to Frank's ear, hot breath cascading across Frank's neck, making him shiver, Gerard's other hand reaching up to the back of Frank's head, "You've been driving me crazy since out first kiss, Frank. Please... I'm sure." He drew back and looked Frank straight in the eye, "I've never been more sure of anything."

All Frank could do was smile like an idiot, which proved to be contagious as Gerard smiled back, laughing a little.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Gerard laughed, "So... do you want to?"

"Of course I do, babe," Frank's arms wrapped around Gerard's waist, holding him impossibly close, "Let's do it."

Gerard crashed his lips against Frank's, mouths opening and bodies pressed close, Gerard seeming to melt under Frank's touch as he drove them back towards to bed.

Frank climbed on top of Gerard, straddling his thighs as he tore off his shirt, revealing his multitude of tattoos. Gerard couldn't keep his hands off of Frank though, as he sat up and pulled him into a heated kiss, hands going for Frank's belt. Frank's own hands went for the buttons of Gerard's shirt, hoping it was okay to do so. To his relief, Gerard's hands went from Frank's belt to the buttons on his shirt, helping Frank and smiling up at the beautiful man above him.

Frank slid the shirt off Gerard's shoulders, leaving him in his beige binder but not letting Frank get a good look at him before they were feverishly kissing again. Gerard worked Frank's jeans open completely, trying to shove them down his legs until Frank had to roll off of Gerard and pull them off himself, rolling back over and getting to work on Gerard's jeans. The older man's breath hitched as his jeans were tugged down his hips and off, Frank crawling on top of him again and kissing down his neck.

"Uh... fuck, Frank... Frank..."Frank hummed to let Gerard know he was listening, too busy sucking on Gerard's collarbone."I sh-should probably say... I'm... I've not.... done this before."

Frank stopped, sitting back to look at Gerard, who was a beautiful mess on the bedsheets. "What... you're a virgin?"

Gerard nodded nervously, biting his lip, "That doesn't, like, change anything, does it?"

Frank was actually touched, honoured almost, "Gee, babe, that only makes this even more special. For both of us." He kissed Gerard chastely for a few moments, feeling Gerard almost glowing underneath him, "Gee, could I... could you take your binder off?"

"Oh... I, um-"

"You don't have to, it's okay," Frank stroked his cheek with two of his fingers, smiling, "I was just asking, babe."

"I know... I want to keep it on. This time, at least,"

"Okay... Don't worry," Frank smirked, "I know of plenty of fun things we can do with your binder still on."

Without warning, Frank scooted back on the bed, hooking an arm under the curve of Gerard's back and moving him to the middle of the bed. Gerard shifted so that his head was up on the pillows, Frank kneeling between his legs, watching the younger man with some kind of mesmerized wonder. Frank took hold of the waistband of Gerard's boxers, tugging them down his hips and then his thighs, Gerard crossing and folding his legs so that Frank could pull them all the way off, leaving him practically naked. Frank grinned and leaned forwards, softly kissing Gerard's lips, trying to calm any nerves he might have. He planted soft, loving kisses down Gerard's neck, his collarbones, and stomach, working lower and lover. Gerard had the softest, light brown fuzz leading from his navel, a barely-there happy trail that Frank kissed his way down.

Frank looked up the bed, straight into Gerard's wide, eager eyes, as he dipped his tongue into Gerard's slit, licking hard and purposefully. Gerard gasped, eyes glazed with lust, and Frank licked again, lower now, feeling for that incredible bundle of nerves. He didn't have to search though, as Gerard's testosterone had grown his clitoris into something more like a one inch dick, sitting red and hard in the warm, wet folds. He swept his tongue over it, hard, making Gerard gasp, high and desperate as his hips tightened and lifted off the bed, legs trying to close around Frank's head.

He crawled closer, kneeling low, and held Gerard's knees apart with his hands, stroking over Gerard's dick with his tongue a few times, before wrapping his lips around the tiny length and sucking. The sound that erupted from Gerard's mouth was between a gasp and a sob as his legs tried to close again, hips bucking against Frank's face, one hand flying into his short dark hair.

"Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck.... Frank... Oh god!" Gerard whimpered and moaned above him as Frank massaged around the nub with his tongue, using as many tricks as he knew, looking for the prefect reaction. He moved down a little lower and licked around Gerard's hole, feeling the slight tightening and relishing the strangely sweet taste. Frank had eaten out girls before, he'd even given one or two rimjobs in past relationships, but eating out Gerard was a whole different ballgame. He sat up, licking his lips as Gerard's hand fell from his hair, and gently slid two fingers into the man under him, making him moan and tighten around the intruding digits briefly as Frank started to thrust them, massaging Gerard's inner walls.

"U-uh... Shit, Frank... Deeper, baby, please..."

"You're not quiet about this, are you, babe?" Frank smirked, licking around his mouth, tasting Gerard on his lips as he slid a hand up his thigh, grapping his hip tightly as he moved his fingers in and out, crooking them and making Gerard whimper and press back against him. Gerard shook his head, face half way between frustration and ecstasy, still gasping and whimpering at Frank's touch.

"You want it deeper?" Frank's voice dripped with lust, not sure to focus on Gerard's gorgeous face, or the movements on his slick fingers inside of the gorgeous man.

 

"Yeah, yeah, I wan' it," Gerard gasped, head pressed back hard against the pillows, throat exposed, candlelight catching the little red lovebites where Frank had marked Gerard as his, "Please, Frank, please... baby..."

"Okay, okay babe," Frank pulled his fingers out, making sure he had Gerard's gaze as he licked them clean, sucking on them and weirdly loving the tang on his tongue.

"Oh, fuck... You're so fucking hot, Frank," Gerard sat up, putting a hand around the back of Frank's neck and pulling him into a hot, open mouthed kiss, tongues tasting at each others mouths while Frank tipped them back onto the mattress, laying between his legs and pressing against him, holding himself above Gerard with one hand either side of his boyfriend's head.

"Gee... Gee, babe," Frank spoke between kisses, "Where's the condom?"

"It's, uh... shit, somewhere over here," Gerard waved his right hand and threw it down against the sheets as Frank bit his neck again and made him moan loudly.

Frank caught the shine of silver foil and reached out for it, sitting up on his knees and grasping it carefully between his teeth as he started tugging his boxers down his hips, the elastic catching on his dick as it sprung free. He quickly tugged them off his legs, leaving him totally naked, Gerard's eyes raking over his inked form, still breathing heavily, breath hitching as he gazed hungrily at Frank's erection.

He tore open the condom wrapped with his teeth, rolling it on fast but precisely, stroking himself a few times, grunting a little. He watched Gerard with dark, lust filled eyes, biting his lip as he crawled back over him, kissing him hard and muttering, "You ready?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm ready," Gerard looked up at him with smiling eyes, a smile twitching at his lips. Frank grinned deviously, sitting back once more and positioning himself at Gerard's entrance, pressing into the warm, wet heat.

Gerard gasped, moaning softly on his out-breath, voice shaking as Frank was enveloped perfectly inside him, their hips meeting as Frank groaned in pleasure at finally being inside of his perfect boyfriend.

"Fuck..." Frank laughed, smiling at Gerard, who smiled back, flushed and gripping desperately at the bedsheets, "You good?"

"Fuckin' more than good," Gerard grinned back, relaxing a little as Frank lay over him, held up on his arms as he kissed the pale man's collarbone, drawing back and thrusting again. Gerard moaned, sounding pleased as his arms came up and around Frank's back, trying to get some leverage to move back down against Frank.

Getting the hint, Frank started moving, trying to set a pace and not hurt Gerard at the same time. It took a few minutes, but Frank soon found himself with Gerard almost in his lap, his long pale legs wrapped around Frank's inked hips. Gerard remained laid back on the bed, Frank leaning over him, one arm tucked under the arch of his back, holding him close as they moved together as one. The bedframe was squeaking slightly with each thrust, Gerard making soft 'ah's and mewling whimpers of pleasure, and Frank moaning and almost grunting with the back and forth snapping of his hips. He reached a hand down, stroking between the folds of Gerard's pussy, making his lover cry out.

"Fuck! Oh fuck, Frank..." he jerked his head up, staring at Frank with pure desire for a moment before dropping back down against the sheets, "So fucking good,"

"I know, shit.... I fucking know," Frank groaned, thrusting a little harder as things started to feel really good, Gerard tightening around him for a second, nails digging into Frank's back and dragging, making Frank moan and bite his neck again.

They set a rhythm again, Gerard using his legs to push back against Frank, each thrust harder than before. Frank was doing well to keep his pace as Gerard lost it beneath him, holding the older man as close as possible, gasping and whimpering, somewhere between pathetic and perfectly dirty.

"Gee... babe, fuck... So good..."

"Mmhh... So... So are you...." Gerard panted, dragging his nails down Frank's back, hard enough to leave marks, and making Frank yell. His slight pain kink kicked in, making him pound into Gerard particularly hard.

"Ah!" Gerard arch beneath him, pushing himself down onto Frank's dick, "Yes! Fuck! Just like that!"

Frank pulled back again, "Oh, you like it hard?" Frank punctuated the last word with another thrust, making Gerard almost sob in pleasure, breathing hard and throwing his arms back against the headboard of the bed, pushing himself back against Frank again.

"Yes! Fuck, just like that!"

That was all Frank needed to really go for it, thrusting hard and fast inside Gerard, both of them panting hard and moaning loud. Frank was getting close, and he could feel Gerard starting to spasm around him, moans getting breathier and higher.

"Gee, I'm close.... I'm so... fucking close..." Frank was quickly becoming a hot, whimpering mess himself, Gerard still moaning and pressing back against every thrust. All Gerard could do in reply was whimper, and Frank knew he was close too. Frank reached a hand down again, stroking Gerard and feeling how wet he was. Gerard's reaction to being touched was so incredible, the spasming and high gasp, that Frank wanted him to come right there and then.

He rubbed Gerard hard, stroking along the small length with two fingers as Gerard got closer and closer, throwing one hand forwards to grip Frank's shoulder, nails digging in again as his moans became shaky, brow furrowed and mouth slack. Frank, as close to his orgasm as Gerard was to his own, used his thumb to rub across the end of Gerard's small, hard dick.

"Ah! Frank!" Gerard cried, his other hand flying from the headboard to where Frank rubbed him, replacing Frank's fingers with is own and rubbing furiously, moaning long, loud and desperately as he brought himself to orgasm, rocking down furiously against Frank. Frank lost it at the feeling of Gerard coming around him and gripped his slim pale hips hard in both hands and thrust hard a few more times, fucking Gerard through his orgasm and bringing on his own, spilling into the condom and moaning Gerard's name over his boyfriend's incoherent post-orgasmic mutterings.

Frank's shoulders slumped, holding himself over Gerard with one arm either side of his lovers waist, thrusting slowly and steadily through his aftershocks. Gerard was still mewling at the sensitivity, his slightly sticky fingers resting on his stomach just below his naval, until Frank, finally feeling completely spent and too sensitive to carry on, rolled off and out of Gerard, laying next to him and pulling off the condom, tying it and throwing it on the floor next to the bed, sure that he'd remember it later on. He turned to look at Gerard, the pale man laying with his long lashed eyes shut, lips parted as he tried to catch his breath, cheeks flushed and hair sticking to his forehead.

Frank grinned and curled closer, watching Gerard open his eyes, glance at him, and smile tiredly.

"Wow," he breathed, trying to roll over and face Frank, "That was... That was amazing, Frank."

"Yeah?" he wrapped an arm around Gerard's tiny waist, tugging them closer together.

"Uh-huh,"

"Well... for your first time, you were fucking incredible." Gerard laughed nervously at Frank's comment, rolling over so that he was cuddled against Frank's shoulder and chest, "Was it worth waiting?"

"Definitely," he hummed happily, "So worth the wait."

"I'm glad you think so," Frank tilted Gerard's chin up to look at him, pressing their lips together in a sweet, meaningful kiss. Frank had just taken Gerard's virginity, and everything had gone so smoothly, it had felt so right. Gerard had tasted so sweet, sounded so perfect, felt so good. Frank felt like that was they way it was supposed to be; for Gerard, and for the both of them.

Frank was brought out of his thoughts and dreamy gazing at Gerard as the older man shivered.

"You cold?"

"Mh-hmm," Gerard nodded against his shoulder, his hands creeping over Frank's chest and holding him.

"How about you go have a nice, hot shower, then we can cuddle on the couch and watch another film? I can get us some more hot chocolate if you want, and there's some cake..."

"Sounds good to me," Gerard gently squeezed Frank as the two of them sat up, Gerard drawing his legs closer to himself, trying to hide his modesty. After pulling on his underwear again and standing up, Gerard paused and laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing, he smiled at Frank over his shoulder, "My legs just feel funny."

"Oh," Frank laughed, crawling across the sheets and kneeling up, "Well, you'd better get used to that feeling, babe." He wrapped his arms around Gerard's middle, gently kissing just behind his ear and sliding a hand down to caress Gerard's thigh, feeling him quiver a little.

"You go get in that shower, I'll bring your pajamas and a nice fluffy towel, okay?"

"Okay, Frankie, just knock before you come in."

"Did you just call me 'Frankie'?"

"Yeah," Gerard turned around, smiling as he gently pecked Frank's lips, " 'S cute, and you're cute. It suits you." They kissed again, and Gerard stepped away heading for he door, legs looking a little wobbly in the most endearing way Frank had seen.

Frank lay back on the bed, smiling to himself for a few minutes until he heard the shower running. He tugged on a fresh pair of pajama pants from his drawers, and took Gerard's pajama pants and oversized t-shirt from his bag, and blew out all the candles around the room. He then grabbed a fresh, soft towel from the airing cupboard, and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Come in!"

Entering the room, Frank's gaze went straight to Gerard's form in the shower. He was looking towards to the door over his shoulder, arms folded across his chest and hands wrapped around his arms, dark hair combed back and sending water cascading down his bare back and firm buttocks, a pale, flawless canvas that Frank's eyes couldn't help but drink in.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Gerard laughed, turning away and lathering soap through his hair, back still turned to Frank, hiding his bare chest.

"Oh, sorry... Um," Frank put down everything he'd brought in, "Towel and your pajamas are on the towel rail over the radiator, so they'll be nice and warm for you."

"Thanks, baby," Gerard replied over the sound of the shower, fingers still running through his hair as he washed.

"No problem," Frank smiled, watching Gerard's incredibly pale and perfect form for a few seconds longer before leaving the bathroom, grabbing a shirt from his room to put on, and heading into the living room.

He remade their hot chocolates and put the yule log cake out on a plate on the table, waiting for Gerard to come back.

Ten minutes later, Gerard exited the bathroom, hair still damp but dressed in his warm, loose pajamas and looking happy content as he wandered over to the couch and sat down next to Frank, curling against him instantly.

Frank chuckled lightly, putting an arm around Gerard, "You alright?"

Gerard hummed happily, "Yeah... Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

Gerard looked up at Frank, eyes bright and happy, "I'm glad you were, uh... like, my first and everything." He blushed, looking away and cuddling against Frank's chest.

"I'm glad I could be your first... It means a lot to me, Gee."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it does..." he smiled and ducked down to kiss Gerard sweetly. Gerard pressed back for a few moments, breaking away slowly.

"I know it must have taken a lot of confidence for you to trust me like that."

"It did, but I'm so glad it was with you," Gerard grinned, kissing him again, "Best decision ever."

They kissed again, a little harder than before, until they could kiss no longer from smiling too much.

"Come on," Frank reached for the TV remote, "Let's watch the rest of the film."

"You paused it?"

"Yeah... why?"

"You paused The Nightmare Before Christmas to have sex?"

"Well, yeah..." Frank frowned, "Why?"

"Nothing," Gerard giggled, "Just... we had sex."

Frank shook his head, laughing, "Yeah, we did." he smiled at Gerard pressing pay on the film, "And now we're having hot chocolate while watching Nightmare Before Christmas."

"This is the best Christmas ever, Frankie," Gerard gently kissed Frank's cheek, picking up his mug of hot chocolate and resting against Frank's side, both of them content and warm, positively glowing with happiness.


	16. Still Into You

_"Let 'em wonder how we got this far  
_ _'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all  
_ _Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you  
_ _Recount the night that  
_ _I first met your mother..."_   
**\- Still Into You, Paramore**   
  
  


* * *

 

The incessant tap tap tap of Gerard's foot on the floor of the car was starting to get on Frank's nerves, but he still felt sympathetic.

"Gerard," he said softly, "Stop jiggling your leg like that please."

"Oh, sorry," Gerard clamped his knees together, hands resting on top. Then his fingers started tapping.

"Gerard," Frank took one hand off the steering wheel and put it over Gerard's, "You don't need to be nervous."

"Are you sure?" Gerard looked at him with wide worried eyes, making Frank's heart melt a little.

"Surer than sure. My mom's gonna love you, I promise."

"She doesn't have, like," Gerard fidgeted as he searched for the word, "prejudices, does she?"

Frank laughed, "Gee, she's my mom. I brought my first girlfriend home aged fourteen, I brought my first *boyfriend* home age fifteen, I work in a supermarket and got a neck tattoo aged twenty one. She has no prejudices at all, don't worry. She will love you!"

"Okay... Still nervous though." He managed a small, sheepish smile.

"It's okay, babe," Frank took hold of Gerard's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the smooth knuckles, "You'll relax when we get there."  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
"Frank! Hello, come in, come in," Linda Iero opened the front door wide letting Frank in, grabbing his face and kissing his cheeks, "My little boy, How are you?"

"Hi Mom," Frank grinned, hugging his mom when she released his face, "I'm good, how're you?"

"I'm wonderful, sweetie," she face him a last squeeze and turned to Gerard, "Oh, you must be Gerard! It's so nice to meet you!" She placed a hand on Gerard's shoulder and pecked him on the cheek, grinning broadly at him, "Frank's told me all about you. Gosh, aren't you lovely?" She looked about his face, taking in all his features (probably down to the last eyelash, if Frank knew what she was like), though Frank noticed that Gerard still looked horribly nervous despite his smile.

"Let him go, Mom," Frank laughed, taking Gerard's hand, tugging him backwards and just out of his mothers grip, "He's not so used to your vice-like love."

"Oh, of course honey, sorry," Linda apologised, looking a little embarrassed as she closed the door, "It's wonderful to finally meet you, anyway."

"I-it's nice to meet you too, Mrs Iero." Gerard smiled a little nervously, fingers wriggling in Frank's hand. He squeezed back reassuring, stroking his thumb over the back of Gerard's hand.

"Call me Linda, please," she waved a bashfully dismissive hand as she walked past the two boys, leading them through to the living room, "Nothing so formal ever suits me, and I haven't been Mrs anything in years!"

"Okay Linda," Gerard said, sounding a little calmer already.

"So, would you two boys like some coffee then?" Linda paused in the living room as Frank and Gerard sat down on the couch.

"Yes please, Mom,"

"Gerard honey, how do you take your coffee?"

"Black, no sugar, thanks." He replied politely, smiling sweetly at the woman.

"Back in a sec, then," Linda paused in the doorway, "Oh, by the way, it's veggie lasagne for dinner. I've just put it in the oven, so it'll be ready soon."

"I told you she'd like you." Frank said very matter-of-factly, looking at the small, nervous but genuine, smile on Gerard's lips.

"She does seem really nice."

"That's because she is!"

  
Gerard paused, thinking.

"Did you really tell her all about me?"

"Not everything," Frank knew what Gerard was asking about, "I figured that there are some things that aren't on a need-to-know basis."

"I kinda want her to know," he shrugged, "Like, it's a big part of who I am and if you're in my life, she's in my life too. It's only right."

"So long as you're comfortable, Gee," Frank lightly kissed his cheek, just as Linda walked back in, carrying a tray of three cups and a plate of biscuits.

"Oh aren't you two cute," she cooed, setting down the tray and handing a cup each to Gerard and Frank, "I must say, I was a little surprised when Frank said he had someone he wanted me to meet! I didn't realise anything romantic would be happening, but I could see it as soon as he started talking about you."

"Mom..." Frank grumbled, blushing and rolling his eyes.

"Oh Frank, don't get bashful now," Linda laughed, gaze switching to Gerard, "Gerard, sweetheart, I'm sure what Frank's told me about you isn't nearly half as interesting as hearing it from you yourself."

"That really depends on what Frank's told you about me." Gerard supplied, still seeming a little tense as he tried to make conversation.

"He's said you've got a lot in common, like comics and music, and that you work at Mara's coffee shop?"

"Uh, yeah," he nodded, smiling, "Comics and music definitely, though I really like eighties Brit-pop too, like, uh... David Bowie, and Joy Division too. Though they're not really pop," Gerard laughed nervously, hands wrapped tightly around his coffee cup.

"Ah, David Bowie," Linda sighed wistfully, "Such a beautiful man..."

There was a pause, Frank looking between his coffee, Gerard, and his mother, who seemed to be waiting for Gerard to speak again.

"So, you do work at Mara's then?" She asked, trying to make the conversation flow.

"Oh, yeah. It's really great there, I mean, apart from the idiot customers who're expecting Starbucks or something." Gerard laughed a little, Linda chuckling in agreement.

"I'm curious though," she started, leaning forwards in her chair, "Mara's is a family business, are you a cousin or something, because I know Theresa's only got her two girls?"

"No, I'm just lucky. Though I've only been there a month or two, but Theresa does kinda feel like an aunt or something."

"She has that effect on everyone really, even when her girls were little and she'd help with carpooling. All the kids would loved her... you remember, don't you Frank?"

"Yeah, I mean," he looked at Gerard, "I said I'd known her since I was little. Everyone knows Terri, that's part of why the coffee shop is so popular."

"Where did you grow up, Gerard?"

"In Belleville, so almost local, I guess."

"Such a lovely town, that's nearly where Frank was brought up. It seems like a nice place to raised happy children, is it a nice town?"

"It's... uh, it's okay," Frank could see that Gerard was getting a little upset thinking about his childhood, "I wouldn't go back though."

"Oh okay," Linda picked up on Gerard's discomfort too, Frank having inherited her ability to read people so easily.  
  


"Gee," Frank leaned close to Gerard and whispered to him, "If you want to tell her, tell her now. It'll make things a lot less tense, I guarantee."

Gerard looked at him, worry sitting heavily in his eyes, "Are you sure."

"Sooner rather than later," Frank looked him in the eyes, hoping to convey the care he had for Gerard, and the trust he had in his mother's judgements.

They looked back up at Linda, who was already watching them expectantly.

"Uh, Linda, sorry," Gerard put down his coffee on the table, clasping his hands on his knees, "There's something feel I should tell you."

"Okay, honey," she set down her own cup, giving Gerard her full attention.

"I'm, urm... i-it's an important thing to know, I guess... I am, uh... transgender." He took a deep breath, "I am transitioning from female to male. It's... it's something that is a big thing in my life, and I'm saving up for surgery. Frank knows, and-"

Frank slipped his hand over Gerard's linking their fingers, "And I'm more than okay with it. I want Gerard in my life, and although some if this stuff is... difficult," he looked at Gerard, who nodded, smiling softly, "I want to help Gerard as much as I can."

"My own mother isn't supportive of how I identify, but I guess I hope you can be accepting."

They both watched Linda nervously, holding hands. Frank could feel Gerard shaking slightly, so have his hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

Linda sighed, shaking her head, "Gerard, honey... I can't imagine what things must have been like for you. Of course I'm okay with this, why wouldn't I be?" She smiled sympathetically, "You're such a handsome young man, and my Frank clearly likes you a lot. If your mother doesn't want to know her own son baffles me, because you seem like such a lovely boy. You don't need to worry here, sweetheart, come here," she stood up, holding her arms out towards Gerard.

Gerard stood up nervously, stepping towards Linda and letting her embrace him, hugging the shorter woman back tentatively at first, then realising he didn't need to be worried.

"If you need a mother figure in your life, you can count on me, honey, okay?"

Gerard's shoulders slumped as he sighed happily, nodding, "Okay... thank you, Linda,"

"No problem at all, Gerard. Now, come on," she pulled back, looking him in the eyes and smiling, "Tell me more about yourself, Frank told me you worked as an artist?"

Before Gerard could answer, the ringing of a timer went off in the kitchen, alerting Linda.

"Oh! Sorry, you'll have to tell me over dinner, dear. Could you two set the dinner table, please?"

"Sure thing, mom," Frank stood up, placing a hand on Gerard's waist.

As soon as Linda left the room, Gerard turned to look at Frank, smiling sincerely.

"See?" Frank laughed, wrapping his arms around Gerard's waist, "I told you it'd be alright."

"Yeah, you did," he smiled, blushing a little, "Your mom's really nice."

Frank reached up and gently kissed Gerard, wanting to kiss him for longer though, "Come on, we have a table to set and a billion 'aren't you two cute' comments to endure."

  
  
\---*---

  
  
On the drive home, there was no nervous tapping from Gerard, just happy, tuneful humming to the song on the radio, something by The Smiths.

"So..." Frank spoke up, Gerard's humming ceasing, "You think that was a good evening?"

"It was really good, yeah," Gerard smiled, looking a little sleepy, "Your baby photos are so cute though. You've really not changed much."

Frank chuckled, making a noise of disgust, "I was sorta hoping she wouldn't get those photos out. And I have so changed."

"Okay, so you got hot," Gerard listed off on his fingers, "You got tattoos, you got a little bit taller... that's about it, I reckon. Same gorgeous eyes though."

"I hate those photos," Frank shook his head, smirking at Gerard calling him hot, and saying he has gorgeous eyes.

"Aw, but I love them," Gerard giggled, meeting Frank's eyes for a moment. Frank noticed quickly that the smile on Gerard's face slowly slipped away and was replaced with another oddly unreadable expression.

"Gee, what's up?"

"I.. uh.."

"Are you okay? You're not feeling sick, are you?"

"No, no... I just, um..."  
  


Frank, worried, pulled the car over, stopping at the side of the road and turning on the light inside the car.

"What's wrong?" Frank frowned, worried.

"Nothing," Gerard muttered, not meeting Frank's eyes, "I mean... nothing's wrong. I just... I think I just realised," he looked up, eyes bright, lips twitched at one corner in a cute, half-smile, "I think... I love you, Frank."

Frank was starstruck. It had been so long since someone had told him that, and he felt almost surprised that he and Gerard hadn't said those words before. The way he felt about Gerard, the trust that Gerard had put in him, the way Frank wanted to be there for Gerard whenever, to protect and support him. It made sense. It was like an epiphany.

"Frank?" Gerard looked at him, head slightly on one side, a little scared looking, "Say something?"

"I think..." he want to make sure he meant the words, gut twisting, heart fluttering, "I just realised I love you too, Gerard."

"You... Really?" Gerard laughed in shock.

"Yeah... Yeah, I do." Frank grinned, "I love you, Gerard."

"I love you, Frank," Gerard giggled, leaning across to kiss Frank, he younger man instantly getting lost in the feel of their lips pressing and moving against one another's. Frank brought his hands up to hold Gerard's face, one on his cheek, another on his neck, while Gerard's hands were on Frank's knees, helping him to balance as they kissed.

Their kissing was interrupted, however, as Gerard over balanced, trying to hold himself up again and accidentally hitting the car horn, making them jump. They broke apart and both started laughing, partly at the car horn, partly at the fact they'd just said they loved each other for the first time. They were giddy kids in love again, and Frank realised this was possibly the first time Gerard had said this and really meant it.

They sat smiling at each other for a few moments, until they remembered they were in a car at the side of a road.

"Let's get home, yeah?"

"What do you mean by 'home' though?" Gerard fastened his seatbelt, still grinning.

"My place?" Frank raised an eyebrow, smiling as he reached for Gerard's hand, giving it a squeeze.

"How about mine instead?" He brought Frank's hand to him lips, kissing the knuckles slow as softly.

"Okay, your place," Frank pressed another quick kiss to Gerard's lips, making him squeak happily, sitting back and releasing Frank's hand as the younger took the wheel.

Frank felt light, his heart feeling brand new in his chest, its beats keeping time to the new feelings he'd found within Gerard.


	17. Vampires Will Never Hurt You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(TRIGGER WARNING: Violence, homophobic slurs, sexual assault)**

__  
"I'll never let them  
_I can't forget them_  
_I'll never let them hurt you,_  
_I promise"_  
**\- Vampires Will Never Hurt You, My Chemical Romance**  
  


* * *

 

January had continued to bring snow in Lyndhurst. Not much, though. Enough to close schools but not enough to close roads, so Frank and Gerard had work as usual. Both were busier than usual though, with more people visiting Mara's to warm themselves, and people, paranoid about snow shutting roads eventually, panic buying essential foods.

They still found time to see each other, to the point of Frank jokingly suggesting that they move in together, which actually ended in both them keeping a few items of clothing at one another's homes.

Pencey Prep had played a few times again, and this Friday was no different. There'd even been a little bit of promotion outside of Lyndhurst for this show, meaning there was almost what Frank would call a crowd in front of the tiny stage. Gerard, of course, was there too, but not in the small mob of people drunkenly dancing to Pencey Prep. He had watched Frank from the bar, black jeans and dark blue shirt clinging to his frame a little tighter than usual, having found some self confidence since meeting Linda almost two weeks earlier. His bright blue winter jacket was hung over his barstool, lemonade in hand, grinning at Frank every time their eyes met.

As soon as the show was done, Frank said his usual brief, modest thanks to the crowd and headed behind the sound desk to towel off his sweaty hair and change his shirt, and bounded over the Gerard at the bar. They immediately leaned in for a quick kiss, Frank leaning on the bar for support, then noticing a drink waiting next to Gerard's on the bar.

"Is that for me?" He asked Gerard, picking up the drink and sipping it anyway.

"Uh-huh, coke and a shot of vodka." Gerard trailed his fingers along the back of Frank's t-shirt collar, "Just what the doctor ordered."

Frank paused his drinking and smirked, "You trying to get me drunk?"

"No," Gerard said innocently, "Just a little tipsy."

Frank raised an eyebrow, while Gerard resumed stroking the back of Frank's neck.

"You're always so tense after shows though, Frankie," he cooed, "You deserve a drink anyway, but I know you're driving, so keep it quiet."

"Sure thing," Frank grinned.

"Hey, I'm just gonna head outside for a smoke," Gerard set down his glass and shrugged on his jacket, Frank only now noticing it was the one with the brown fur hood that he'd bought with the giftcard from Theresa, "You wanna come with?"

"Uh... nah, I'm gonna stay here," Frank declined, "I'm still too warm, if I go outside the sudden temperature change might just kill me."

Gerard laughed, "Okay babe," he kissed Frank's still flushed cheek, "I'll be back before you know it... oh, and get me another drink?"

"Lemonade?"

"Lime and tonic, actually, I fancy a change." He smiled sweetly, then headed towards the door, disappearing in the dark, busy bar.  
  
  


Five minutes passed. Ten minutes passed. It was pushing fifteen minutes, and Frank was no only craving a cigarette, but was also concerned about where Gerard was. Going back behind the sound desk and grabbing his jacket, Frank managed to get through the groups of bar punters and head out of the front door.

Looking left, then right, there was no one else to to be seen. There was nothing to be heard, other than traffic and some drunk yelling in the far off distance. Turning and looking around again, Frank wore a frown. Where was Gerard? Had he gone back inside, slipped past Frank and gone to the toilet?

  
The drunk yelling started up again, accompanied by a panicked shout, and a grunt or two, then what could have been a sob of pain. The shouting made Frank jump a little as he realised it wasn't quite so far away. The sound was coming from the alley just to the right of where Frank stood, the shouts echoing off the buildings opposite, tricking his ears. There was another shriek, cut short with a choke, followed by more shouting and laughter that made Frank's blood run cold.

The shouts got clearer as he hesitantly crept down into the alley, keeping to the shadows, just in case.

"Little fucking dyke bitch," one man jeered, not sounding as drunk as Frank had expected, "Who'd want to be a faggot anyway, huh?"

"D-don't, I'm not... just l-let me g... go," another voice sobbed, softer and absolutely terrified and frighteningly familiar; it was Gerard.

"Why'd we do that, eh?" Another voice growled, speak a little more slurred than the first, "So you wanna be a faggot, we'll show you how faggots like it. Turn her around,"

"No!" Gerard shrieked, "No, stop! Stop it!"  
  


Frank barrelled out of the shadows, mentally slapping himself for not acting sooner, and headed straight for the small huddle towards the end of the alley.

Two men had Gerard pinned to the grimy wall of the alley; one, tall and toned with buzzed hair, was holding Gerard's upper arms, the other, wiry and greasy looking with stringy hair, was drunkenly trying to wrestle with Gerard's jeans. His blue jacket lay on the ground in a puddle, and Frank couldn't tell if Gerard was shivering from fear or the cold, though he'd hedge his bets it was both.

"You let him go. Now." Frank drew himself up to his full height, fists curled and shaking with coiled rage.

The greasy man tugging at Gerard's trousers stood up, stepping towards Frank, a sinister smirk on his face, "Him?" He laughed, "'S not a him, that's a li'l dyke who thinks she's a boy. We're gonna show 'er what she was made for, 'f you get what I mean." He laughed again, grabbing his crotch and shaking it in a lewd gesture that made Frank's blood boil, heart pumping adrenaline through his veins in such a way that he wanted to tear the creeps face off.

"No you're not," Frank countered, "You let him go."

"The fuck is it to you?" The other guy shouted, still pinning Gerard to the wall.

"Frank, Frankie please make them stop, I don-" Gerard's pleading voice sounded so small and weak in the dark, tears streaming down his face. His words were cut short by the man pinning him shoving him hard in the back, knocking his cheek against the rough brick.

That was what made Frank finally snap.

He stepped forward, the drunkard stepping into his path, blocking his way twice more when Frank tried to step past him.

"Oh, you wanna play this game then, huh?" Frank sneered, then, without giving the guy a chance to even let his words sink in, drew back his fist and right hooked the guy square in the jaw, sending him backwards and to the floor. Frank stepped forwards again and kicked the guy hard in the stomach, earning a pained groan as he curled in on himself. Frank carelessly stepped over him and advanced on the guy pinning Gerard.

"Unless you wanna go the same way as your friend, you let go of him right fucking now!"

Before the man had a chance to react, Frank had him by the throat, easily throwing him off of Gerard and to the floor.

No sooner were the two men scrambling to their feet and running like hell out of the alley than Gerard had fallen into Frank's welcoming, safe arms, sobbing his heart out and clinging to Frank for dear life.  
  


"Frank, oh god... I'm sorry, I-I don't know how they knew..."

"Gerard, Gee, baby, sshh..." Frank held Gerard as tight as he dared, rubbing his back soothingly and whispering to him, "You don't need to be sorry, you've done nothing wrong, okay? Come on, babe, look," Frank let go of Gerard for a moment and took off his jacket, "Take my coat, you're freezing,"

"M-my jacket," Gerard looked at his lovely blue jacket laying in the puddle, Frank instantly picking it up and shaking off most of the water.

"Are you okay, Gee? Are you hurt?"

"I-I think... my arms and my chest kinda hurt, and m-my face..."

Frank gently tilted Gerard's chin, turning his face to look at the side that had been pressed and slammed against the wall. There were cuts and grazes across his brow bone and cheek, and a large bruise spanning from his jawline to his swollen and split lip, making Frank certain that the thugs had punched him at least once. With his red, puffy, tear stained eyes Gerard was the sorriest and most heartbreaking sight Frank had ever seen.

"Okay, okay baby. Come on," Frank tucked Gerard's blue coat under one arm, and put the other around Gerard's shoulders as they made their way back out of the alley.

The two attackers were nowhere to be seen, but Frank wanted to get Gerard safe and cleaned up as fast as he could. Disregarding the rest of his band and equipment still inside the bar, Frank escorted Gerard around to his car and put him in the passenger seat, sprinting around to the drivers side and reaching across to buckle his terrified boyfriend in, then himself. He made a mental note to text Shaun when they were home about getting his stuff for him.

"Don't take me to the hospital," Gerard said, so softly Frank could have imagined it.

"I won't if you don't want me to. Do you want me to take you home?"

"To yours."

"Okay, you just sit tight, alright? You're safe now..."  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
"I'm not arguing with you about this," Gerard grumbled, all the fight gone out of him, "I'm not reporting it."

"But they tried-" Frank stopped himself and took a breath, trying to calm himself, "You heard what they were going to do t-"

"But they didn't, so leave it." Gerard turned away, tugging the blanket he was under tighter around his shoulders and sinking lower on the couch.

Frank sighed, looking over Gerard's face; the bruise on his chin was dark purple already, lip swollen still but no worse than before, and a few cuts on his cheek had needed paper stitches across them. Gerard looked visibly tired, but didn't show any signs of sleeping soon.

"They attacked you, Gee, they need to be arrested."

"Yeah, but you attacked them too," he snapped, "Just leave it."

"That was self defense!"

Gerard didn't react this time, just continued watching the television, avoiding Frank's gaze. Frank sighed, tentatively resting his hand on Gerard's knee under the blanket.

"Look..." he sighed, "Fine, you don't need to report it. I'm just glad you're okay."

Gerard looked down at Frank's hand, then shuffled closer to Frank, tucking himself under the younger man's arm.

"Thank you, Frankie."

Frank gently kissed the top of Gerard's head, giving his arm a very light squeeze, as he whispered into his hair, "I love you."

Gerard sniffed, tears falling again and he pressed himself closer to Frank, "I love you too, Frankie... I'm sorry,"

"Sshh, sshh, it's okay..." Gerard started sobbing again as Frank pulled him closer, "You've nothing to be sorry for, baby, okay? You're safe now, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. I should have come for you sooner, I'm sorry baby."

Gerard fell asleep as Frank held him, leaving the younger to carefully move him from the couch to his own bed, letting Gerard have the double mattress to himself, his poor battered body needing the space to sleep comfortably.

Frank slept on the couch, hating himself for not going outside with Gerard at the bar. Gerard had nearly been raped, all because he didn't want to be cold.

He needed to find a way to make it up to Gerard, and with their first Valentines day together in a few weeks time, he intended to treat Gerard like the Prince he was in Frank's eyes.


	18. Star Bellied Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter could be inappropriate for some readers. Read at your own discretion.**

_  
"Star bellied boy  
_ _Different from the rest  
_ _You're so different from the rest  
_ _Prove you're different from the rest"_   
**\- Star Bellied Boy, Bikini Kill**   
  
  


* * *

 

It had taken Gerard a few weeks to recover from the attack, and he still hadn't gone to the police, despite Frank's pestering. His argument was that he didn't want to be another statistic, and he couldn't afford a lawyer. In a way, Frank understood, but he still worried about the attackers walking freely on the streets, and the fact they knew Gerard was transgender and could be so violent towards him based solely on that fact.

They'd both tried to put the attack out of their minds, which was a little difficult when Gerard's cuts were still healing and he was jumping at any kind of loud noise. They also hadn't slept together, or done anything, in the two weeks since, which worried Frank. Gerard had come so far in overcoming his dysphoria, the attack might have set him back months. But, seeing as they didn't talk about it, Frank couldn't be sure of Gerard's feelings, but he knew that Gerard would tell him if anything was seriously wrong. They had trust in each other, and he treasured that.  
  


Valentine's day was four days away, and Frank was at Gerard's flat, brainstorming date ideas that Gerard would be comfortable with. Gerard was sat at the other end of the couch, facing Frank, but almost hiding behind his laptop screen. Every now and then Frank would catch Gerard watching him over the top of the laptop, almost scrutinising him.

"What?"

"Nothing, sorry," Gerard replied, for what felt like the hundredth time, "Just thinking."

Frank was fed up with Gerard watching him, and wanted to know what he was doing.

"Gee, what is it?"

"What?" Gerard asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"What're you doing, and why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" Gerard was feigning innocence, but it wasn't fooling Frank.

"Look, whatever it is, just... stop staring at me like that," he shuffled and turned away a little, "It's off putting."

Gerard sighed, "I'm sorry... I'm just doing... Stuff."

"Okay..." Frank frowned and turned away, but Gerard was quickly talking again.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uh," Frank straightened his back turned towards Gerard a little, "Yeah, sure."

"It's... kind of, um... personal?" Gerard shut his laptop and looked at Frank, blushing ever so slightly.

"If you're okay with asking me, I'll be okay to answer." He shrugged.

"Okay... um, well..." Gerard looked down at his hands now, "You've been with guys before, right?"

"Yeah, you know that."

"Well... I mean, with me, you don't really have a choice, but... like, with other guys... do you, uh, top? Or bottom?"

Gerard was positively scarlet by the time he'd actually asked the question, and Frank couldn't help but giggle.

"That was it? That's why you keep staring at me?"

Gerard just make a drawn out 'Urm' noise, which made Frank laugh harder.

"Babe, was that really it? Look, come here..." Gerard shuffled across the cushions to Frank's side and allowed himself to be hugged, "Normally, with guys in the past, I've topped, but sometimes I've bottomed. I know with us it's... a little different in that there's not much choice, but it works, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so..." Gerard paused, seemingly thinking about something from the look on his face.

"What?"

"Well," Gerard shifted, "What if I... topped?"

"Um, Gee baby, I don't think-"

"I don't have a dick, I know, I know," Gerard cut in, reaching for his laptop again, "But I found something online."

Opening the laptop again, the screen lit up, showing... a sex toy website.

"Oh," was all Frank could manage as he looked at the homepage, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," Gerard grinned, biting his lip, "I've been thinking, like, what if you were a bottom? 'Cause... well, I kinda feel like if I could be, I'd be a top? I don't know... It's not stupid of me, is it?"

Frank couldn't help but grin like an idiot. It was actually pretty funny.

"This is not what I was expecting... I, um... sure."

"Sure?" Gerard asked, looking hopeful.

"Yeah," Frank nodded, "Why not? Let's have a look..."

Frank reached for the laptop, but Gerard turned it away from him, moving it off his lap.

"Could we talk about it first?"

"What.... what about?"

"Like... Would you say that you just happen to bottom a lot?"

"I... I'd say I am a top, but sometimes it's nice the other way round, with the right guy." Frank shrugged, "It's just been a thing for me. Like... usually a straight girl would look at a guy she finds attractive and think 'damn, I want his dick in me'," Gerard giggled at Frank's bluntness, making Frank laugh in turn, "And I have a similar kinda... Sexual wiring, I guess. That's just what me and my body like with some men. With you... I could go either way."

"So," Gerard cocked his head to one side, thinking and looking away from Frank, still blushing slightly, "When we got together, did you want me to top you when we slept together? Like, when you just assumed I was a cisgendered guy?"

Frank thought for a moment, thinking back to the first few weeks he'd known Gerard, "I don't... uh, well. You seemed kind of effeminate anyway, but I think I wanted to top, if or when we slept together."

"What about now?" Gerard asked, his voice a little softer, "If I could, would you let me top?"

Considering Gerard's question, Frank looked over his form.

The hormone therapy had really changed Gerard's appearance since they first met; his choppy, sweeping black hair remained the same, casting elegant shadows over his high, sharp cheekbones; he had very light stubble around his slightly more angular jaw; his shoulders were broader, though not much; Frank knew he had a little hair on his chest now, having glimpsed it the few times Gerard had been momentarily topless in front of him (that, and the fact that Gerard had happy told him as soon as he was sure it was growing in properly); his arms were leaner, more toned; his stomach has less of a feminine pudge to it, and more of a masculine jut to his hips; his voice was lower too, but not much - Frank was glad of this, after having heard Gerard sing a few times he was thankful his angelic voice wasn't quite so changed.

Biting his lip as he surveyed Gerard, Frank nodded gently, "Yeah... yeah I would. If I met you in a bar tonight, I'd let you top."

"You would?" Gerard smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"Mm-hmm," Frank hummed, shuffling closer and leaning over Gerard a little, feeling the heat rise between the two of them, "You know what else?"

Gerard eyes were glazed with lust, an excited smirk on his lips as Frank moved to straddle his thighs, "What else?"

Frank leaned close, lips brushing the shell of Gerard's ear as he spoke, voice quivering just from his thoughts, "I like it hard." He gently bit Gerard's earlobe, teeth dragging on the sensitive skin.

Gerard gasped, a hint of a moan underlying the soft sound as Frank kissed his neck, his jaw, his cheek, then his lips. It was the lightest of kisses, barely there, but the way Gerard's eyes had fluttered shut when Frank pulled away told him that they were both just as turned on as each other.

"Let's have a look then," Frank said surprisingly casually, practically rolling off of Gerard and snatching up the laptop, typing in a few keywords on the website search bar.

"Ugh," Gerard groaned in frustration, "You're such a fucking tease!"

"I know, baby," Frank chirped, smirking sideways at his boyfriend, "Let's just pick out some stuff from here, then I'll help you..." Frank's voice went soft and breathy as he looked up at Gerard through his lashes, "Ease your frustrations."

"Fucking tease!" Gerard opted to hit Frank in the arm with a cushion, making the younger man giggle, shielding the laptop from the blow.

"Hey, come on... Look, you have a look then, pick out something you like."

He handed the laptop back to Gerard, who instantly blushed as soon as he looked at the screen, smiling to himself. Frank could only roll his eyes, leaning his head on Gerard's shoulder watching the screen as Gerard looked through the various toys, hoping he could control himself until they actually made a purchase.

 

 


	19. Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.**

_  
"I want a lot of profanity  
_ _With a lot less virginity  
_ _Now take those clothes off  
_ _And show me what you're made of"_   
**\- Issues, Mindless Self Indulgence**   
  
  


* * *

 

 

Frank knocked on the door of Gerard's apartment, quickly checking that the collar of his black shirt was neat and flat, adjusted his bag on his shoulder, and looked down at the bouquet of flowers he was holding.

Gerard answered the door, wearing a white button up shirt and an apron, and, upon seeing Frank, positively beamed at him.

"Happy Valentines day, baby," Frank smiled, holding out the two dozen red roses for a now rather sunned Gerard to take.

"Oh my god, Frankie!" He gasped, looking at the scarlet blooms, "They're beautiful! Come in, come in," he stepped back, opening the door so that Frank could get past him. Gerard's apartment smelt incredible, a mix of spices filled the air, clearly coming from the kitchen. But sweeping past Gerard, Frank caught a whiff of Gerard's aftershave and instantly wanted to bury his face in Gerard's neck.

"Mm, something smells good," Frank smirked, leaning close to Gerard and kissing him slowly, "Dinner smells good, too." He kissed Gerard's neck slowly, making the older man laugh.

"Stop it, Frankie," he giggled, gently pushing Frank backwards, but not before pressing another kiss to his lips, "We have plenty of time for that later." He winked and walked through to the living room, Frank following after him, more than excited for the night.

It seemed that Gerard had been hard at work all day, tidying and cooking in preparation for the night. Frank smiled around at the dimly lit living room, the candles and the music playing, too soft to identify, but loud enough to create a calm, warm atmosphere in this room and the kitchen.

"Gee baby, you didn't need to go to so much effort." Frank caught up to Gerard and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Well I wanted to! It's our first Valentines day, I want it to be one to remember."

Frank kissed the side of Gerard's neck quickly, I'm sure it will be."

Gerard hummed happily, "You go put your bag somewhere, I'm going to go put these roses in a vase..." he smiled again, "These must have cost a fortune."

"Nothing's too expensive for my prince." Frank kissed him once more and disappeared back out into the hall and into the bedroom, taking out his gifts for Gerard and tucking the bag into a corner out of the way.

  
  
\---*---

  
  
Gerard had really excelled himself with dinner, having made a kind of parcel pastry with steamed vegetables, and tiramisu for dessert.

Now they found themselves curled up with each other on the couch in Gerard's candlelit living room, watching Love Kills on the television.

"It's such a twisted kind of love they had," Frank thought out loud, "but it was such a strong kind of love, too. Like... the suicide pact thing..."

"Yeah..." Gerard smiled, candle light catching in his eyes, "It's such a shame Sid didn't get his final wish."

"Huh?"

"Well..." Gerard shuffled around to look at Frank, "Sid wrote a note explaining he and Nancy had a suicide pact, and that he wanted to be buried next to her in his leather jacket. He was cremated though."

"Oh," Frank frowned, "That's a bit disrespectful."

"Kinda... but after his funeral his friends and his mom went to the graveyard where Nancy was buried and she poured his ashes onto her grave, and said something like 'At least they're together now'."

"Aw," Frank raised his eyebrows a little, still frowning though, "That's pretty sad. But at least they did end up together in the end, kind of."

Gerard just hummed in agreement as they watched the screen, Nancy's body falling to the blood stained floor of the blue lit bathroom.

Looking across at Gerard, Frank knew that he was his Nancy. In the metaphorical sense, of course; that he'd surely die without Gerard, that he just wouldn't be able to carry on without the beautiful man beside him in his life.

At the end of the film, Frank stood up and took the disc out of the DVD player, but turned around to see that Gerard had moved from his original place on the couch. Now Gerard was sat in the very middle of the cushions, feet on the floor and knees parted, looking at Frank with lust in his eyes and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. The sudden change in his demeanour caught Frank off guard, causing him to gasp softly.

"Come here, Frankie," Gerard asked, though it was more of a demand. Frank walked back over, Gerard leaning forwards a little and grabbing the backs of Frank's thighs and dragging him into his lap so that Frank was straddling him.

"You know what I have planned now, baby?" His voice was smooth and low, and Frank could tell just from his tone what he had planned. Gerard started kissing at Frank's neck, the younger man melting to his touch.

"Did... Did it arrive?" Frank stammered a little.

"Uh-huh," Gerard kept kissing at his boyfriend's throat, "I got... next day delivery on it... remember, baby?"

"Fuck..." Frank felt himself hardening in his jeans, hoping he was having a similar effect on Gerard, "Do you want... to go... put it on?"

"Already wearing it, baby," Gerard laughed darkly in Frank's ear, biting his lobe gently and making Frank gasp and groan.

"Really?"

"Uh-huh... Frankie, can I ask you... to do something... for me?" Gerard's kisses were accompanied by gentle nips at Frank's skin now, making his breath stutter.

"Y-yes... fuck, yes."

"I want you to suck it." Gerard whispered to him, almost making Frank moan out loud, "I want to see your cock sucking skills, just for show."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," Frank kissed Gerard hard, slowly crawling off of his lap and kneeling on the floor between his legs. Rushing to undo his flies, Frank fumbled and pulled from Gerard's pants what he'd been wanting all week.

A thick heavy cock hung there, flesh coloured and so real looking he expected Gerard to groan in in ecstasy when he wrapped a hand around it. Of course, it was fake, but nothing ever suited Gerard better.

"Fuck, Gee," Frank looked at the dick in his hand, stroking it like he would a real one, "So fucking big... Wanna take you all..."

"Do it baby, do it..." Gerard panted, running a hand through Frank's hair, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard, Frankie, fill your tight ass..."

Frank started sucking on Gerard cock, disappointed he couldn't get the same reaction he would have done from a real dick, but knowing he could put on a show for his boyfriend none the less.

He swirled his tongue around the head, sliding his mouth lower on the shaft and licking up the thick vein on the underside, before slipping his lips down on the length and hollowing his cheeks. His eyebrows bunched in frustration as he couldn't quite take the whole length, but Gerard's mutterings of encouragement, though slightly uncertain to start with, were enough for him.

"God... fuck dammit, Frankie, you look so good. Your lips were just fucking made to have a cock between them, weren't they?"

Frank moaned, his own actions turning him on as he looked up at Gerard through his lashes.

He pulled off with an obscene pop, lips slick with his own saliva, "Gee, let's move the the bedroom, please."

"You want me that bad?" Gerard eyes glittered with lust, and Frank nodded, panting hard.

"Yeah, please. I want you to fuck me so bad."

"Come on. Come on, baby," Gerard stood up, dick still out, and pulled Frank to his feet, leading him by the hand through to the bedroom.

Soon they were both stripped naked on Gerard's bed and making out heatedly in semi-darkness, the only light coming from the open door to the hallway, Frank hard and needy under Gerard's touch.

"Gee, baby, please... fucking prep me already, I need you." He was almost begging at this point, trying to rut against Gerard's thigh.

"Okay, hang on... " Gerard stood up from the bed and took a small bottle of lubricant from the bedside drawer, turning back to Frank and crawling over him again.

"How do you wanna do this?"

"I haven't bottomed for a while, so... Doggy style will be easier for the both of us."

"Fuck... shit, this is actually happening," Gerard started kissing down Frank's body, shuffling back and letting Frank roll over and get onto all fours, "Tell me if I do anything wrong baby, okay?"

"Just go slow, I'll tell you when I'm alright."

Gerard slicked his fingers and started slow, like Frank had asked. The first finger wasn't painful, just odd. The second felt a little sore, but Gerard kept slow and patient until Frank felt ready for the third. That hurt, Frank whimpering in discomfort.

"You okay, baby?"

"Yeah... just," Frank took a breath, "Keep going, I'll be okay in a minute."

"Alright baby..."Gerard's hand smoothed up and down Frank's side, the older man kissing the base of his spine delicately, "You look so good like this, Frankie. Can't wait to fuck you..."

As Gerard spoke, his fingers swept past Frank's prostate, making him gasp and moan in pleasure, pressing back against Gerard's fingers. Gerard twigged what was happening and pressed back in again, crooking his fingers and hitting the bundle of nerves dead on. Frank's hips jerked back against Gerard fingers, dick twitching between his legs as he gasped at the feeling.

"Fuck! Holy shit... fuck me, Gee."

"You sure?" Gerard gasped, sounding almost as turned on as Frank was.

"Yeah, yeah, please baby. I need you."

"Fuck," Gerard started pulling his fingers out, moving on the bed behind Frank, "You're so needy... fuck. Okay..." Frank could feel Gerard pressed at his entrance and tried to press against him. Gerard laughed, low and husky, "Wait, baby, wait... just a sec..."

Frank knew he had to be patient, and couldn't help but smirk and bite his lip when he heard a muted buzzing sound and a high, shaking gasp, knowing that Gerard had turned on the 'special feature' just for himself.

"You ready?"

"Uh-huh," Frank raised his ass a little higher, tilting his head down and leaning on his forearms, "Please baby, I n-"

Frank's words were cut off by a silent gasp as Gerard pushed in. He'd missed the ache and amazing burn of having someone inside him, and moaned loudly as the feel of Gerard sliding inside him, barely remembering that Gerard wouldn't be feeling the same thing.

"Frankie, baby... ' Gerard groaned, voice shaking, "Your hole's so tight. I wish you could see yourself, taking this so fucking good." Gerard leaned over and wrapped an arm around Frank's middle and kissed down his back and across his shoulders. Frank hummed in pleasure as Gerard kissed his back and started sliding out a little, then back in again, slowly thrusting.

After Frank assured him that he was okay, Gerard started moving harder and faster pounding Frank in such a way that the bedframe was rattling, Frank's fists balled in the sheets and both of them panting hard, Gerard's hand exploring Frank's chest, fingers brushing over his nipples, making the younger man whimper.

"Hh...hang on," Gerard panted, pulling out (much to Frank's dismay), the buzzing of the vibrator cutting out, "Sorry baby, I was too close... wasn't gonna last..."

Frank rolled onto his back and looked at Gerard; his black hair stuck to his forehead, his chest heaved and Frank smiled at the fact Gerard had been brave enough to remove his binder, his breasts perky and nipples hard, mouth open as he panted, eyes heavy-lidded. Frank moved himself closer to Gerard, so close to cumming and needing release.

"I'm so fucking close..." he leaned up to kiss Gerard, wrapping his legs over his smooth, pale thighs, "Fuck me on my back, baby. I'll cum for you, baby, I promise." He spoke so close to Gerard's face that their lips brushed with every whispered word, and Gerard moaned as he reached down and took hold of his dick with one hand, Frank's hip with the other, and started to guide himself back in.

Frank's hole opened easily, and Gerard brushed his prostate with the first thrust, the younger man arching backwards and falling against the mattress again, moaning and whimpering with each thrust. Gerard slowed for a moment, then Frank heard the buzzing start again as Gerard groaned and drove into Frank hard, making the younger man arch his back and grip the sheets.

"Yes! Fuck, yeah... Harder baby, please!"

"Shit, 'm so close!"

A few thrusts more, and they were both cumming; Frank squirting rope after rope over his stomach, dick twitching, untouched; Gerard leaning over Frank's body, whimpering and gasping, thighs shaking and hips twitching, cock still buried inside Frank and prodding his prostate and making him writhe in pleasure.

Frank grabbed himself, stroking his dick through the last few aftershocks until he was too sensitive to carry on, just as Gerard pulled out, turning off the vibrator and undoing the straps so that they could lie together.

"Shit... Frankie, you're so fucking perfect," Gerard collapsed onto the bed and curled around Frank's side, tilting the younger man's chin to kiss him, Frank rolling over a little to face him more, "You love being bottom, don't you?"  
"Not as much as I love you," Frank grinned, breathless, as he kissed Gerard's lips, both of them laughing softly.

"God... You were so good," Frank raked a hand through Gerard's sweaty hair, "Fucking natural top."

Gerard just smiled and sighed, pulling himself closer to Frank and nuzzling into his neck, softly kissing his collarbone.

The room was dark enough to sleep, which was exactly what was creeping in on both of them. After some wriggling around and wiping of Frank's stomach, the two of them were curled up together under the duvet, almost chest to chest, Gerard's left hand clasped in Frank's right as they slowly drifted to sleep, more than content.

 

 


	20. Bamboo Bones

_"What god doesn't give to you,  
_ _you've got to go and get for yourself"_   
**\- Bamboo Bones, Against Me!**   
  


* * *

 

Upon waking up the following morning and feeling Gerard's warm body pressed against him, Frank could not have been more contented. Memories from the previous night came flooding back to him in a wave of love and giddiness, causing him to snuggle closer to his boyfriend, pressing a soft kiss to his bare shoulder and making the older man hum happily and his sleep.

In his sleepy state, Frank could neither remember or care if either of them had work today; worst comes to worse, they would call in sick and spend the day together. They still had presents to exchange, and Frank couldn't wait for Gerard to open his.

The other man made a slight groaning sound, then yawned, rolling over and stretching his arm, nearly hitting Frank in the face in the process.

"Oh, shit," Gerard half yawned, half laughed, "Sorry, babe."

Frank chuckled back, "That's okay... good morning."

"Mmh... morning."

"How'd you sleep?"

"I slept goo-ood," Gerard dragged out the 'oo' and grinned, rolling over to face Frank and pulling him close so that they were chest to chest, "How about you?"

"Really good, yeah... I love sleeping next to you, have I told you that before?"

"Hm, only like, every other time we sleep together," he smiled and propped his head up on his arm, "How's your ass?"

Frank laughed softly again as he felt a little heat rise in his cheeks, "Sore, but bearable... last night was so good though."

"Yeah... God, you were so fucking good," Gerard smirked, tugging Frank closer by his waist, "Wish I could have felt you, though," he leaned in a gently kissed Frank's lips, moving quickly to his neck, "Felt you, all tight around me... wish I could have cum inside you, baby, have my cum dripping out of your ass..." Frank shivered at Gerard's words, the low, possessive tone going straight to his dick and making his breath hitch, "Then I'd drag you into the shower and suck you off, Frankie, I bet you'd like that." Gerard bit Frank's ear lobe gently, one hand stroking up and down the younger man's hip, Frank grinning at the feel of Gerard's slight stubble scratching at his neck.

"Fuck... yeah, I want that. I want to now..."

"You want me to blow you?" Gerard asked, almost teasingly, "Do you want me to get on my knees and suck your cock like a good boy?"

"Oh, fuck! Gerard..." Frank was surprised by the dirty talk, but was too gone to do anything other than drag Gerard's face in front of him and kiss him hard for a moment or two until he kicked off the duvet and lead Gerard by the hand to the bathroom.

He switched on the shower and leaned against the wall, out of the stream if water, hips jutting forwards invitingly to Gerard, who grinned and dropped to his knees dutifully, gazing up at Frank with a look in his eyes that was somewhere between lust and innocence as he leaned, mouth first, towards Frank.

  
  
\---*---

  
  
Frank dropped the teaspoon and picked up his and Gerard's coffee cups, carrying them through to the living room, where Gerard was curled up on the sofa under a blanket, and set their drinks down onto the table.

He sat down next to Gerard and the older man curled against his side, offering up one edge of the blanket, which Frank gladly took.

"You," Frank started, looking at Gerard with a smirk on his face, "Are full of surprises."

Gerard grinned, eye twinkling, "Mm... but you love it. Oh!" He sat up, "Just remembered, do you want to swap presents now, or....?"

"Oh, yeah... now would be good, sure." Frank grinned, quickly throwing off the blanket, dived forwards for a quick mouthful of coffee, before shooting back off towards the bedroom. His gifts for Gerard were still in his bag, and he hoped in his heart of hearts that Gerard would like them.

Carrying the gift bag back through to the living room, Frank found Gerard sat up, cross-legged and looking very pleased with himself, with two slim parcels in the coffee table.

"I want you to open yours first," Gerard patted the seat next to him, bouncing excitedly and making Frank smile.

"Aw, how could I say no to that face?" Frank leaned across and kissed Gerard's cheek softly, the older man leaning in to the touch.

"Come on, just open them! I wanna see your face when you do," Gerard smiled, putting a hand over Frank's knee as he reached for the gifts.

The first was a vinyl record, and Frank recognised the sleeve straight away. It was '24 Hour Revenge Therapy' by Jawbreaker.

"Whoa, Gee, this is awesome!" He held the record like it were the most precious thing in the world.

"It's a nineteen ninety-four press. One of the very first produced, actually." Gerard smiled sweetly at Frank, whose jaw dropped a little, "I have a friend who owns a record store. He helped me to track it down and checked the production markings... I remember you saying how much you love 'Jinx Removing' and I thought, well.. even if you can't play it, you can at least own one of the original copies. Gotta mean som-"

Gerard was cut off by Frank kissing him hard, one hand curled around the back of this slim neck, the other resting the record on his lap.

"Wow," Gerard breathed when they broke apart, "If that's what I get for the record, I can't wait to see what I get for the next gift."

Frank smiled and raised an eyebrow, carefully putting the record on the table and picking up the smaller parcel, peeling the paper off rather than tearing it in excitement.

Inside was a poster, sealed in a clip frame. Frank saw immediately that is was a poster from a Showcase Audition night at CBGB.

Looking at the date, April 18th, 1977, Frank realised it was from The Misfits' first show as a band. Not only that, but on the yellowed paper were three black scrawls; the signatures of Glenn Danzig, Jerry Only, and Manny Martínez. The first performing lineup of The Misfits.

"Oh. My. God." Frank's eyes bugged at the poster, unable to find any other words.

"Do you like it?" Gerard smiled, chewing his lip nervously.

Frank was speechless for a few seconds longer, "How... how does this even exist?!"

"My record store friend knows rare poster dealers," Gerard quickly explained before asked excitedly, "So do you like it or not?"

"It's.. just... fucking, best boyfriend ever!" Frank put it down on the table again and climbed into Gerard's lap, wrapping his arms around the older man's shoulders and pulling him into a ferocious kiss, making Gerard flail for a moment before wrapping his arms around Frank's middle.

"I'll.. take that as... as a yes, then?" Gerard asked between kisses.

"Uh-huh," Frank nodded, still kissing Gerard enthusiastically, "Like... best present... ever. How did... you even-"

"I have friends with connections, baby," He smiled, running a hand through Frank's hair, "I thought you might like it."

"Like it? I love it," Frank pulled away and beamed at him, "Thank you, Gee... Now, come on, open your presents!"

"I think you'll have to get off me first, Frankie," Gerard gave Frank's butt a playful squeeze before tipping a laughing Frank back into his own seat.

Frank picked up the gift bag and handed it to Gerard, buzzing with the excitement of seeing Gerard's reaction to the gifts.

"Now, it might not seem like much, but open the box first, okay, then the envelope."

Gerard gave him a funny little sideways smile, and took the little box from the bag.

"Oh, Frankie..." Gerard smiled, examining the silver chain, "It's gorgeous! Does that say-"

"'My lovely one', yeah." Frank smiled at Gerard recognising the Elvish inscription in the silver dog-tag style charm, "I thought I'd go full-on nerdy cliche, and I know that you love Lord Of The Rings, so..."

"It's perfect," Gerard smiled his wide, tiny toothed, wonky smile, and handed the necklace to Frank, "Put it on me?"

The silver looked perfect hanging around Gerard's neck, and he held the tag against his chest, under his palm, and smiled softly.

"It's beautiful, Frank. Thank you," Gerard kissed him softly, one hand on his cheek, the other curled around the back of his inked neck.

"Open the envelope, babe," Frank murmured, Gerard's eye twinkling with excitement and he took the paper and tore it open.

Inside was a card. Not a Valentines card, but a slightly rectangular white piece of card. Half the writing was printed, the other hand-written in loopy scrawled handwriting.

"What's this?" Gerard frowned.

"Read it..."

"Appointment for Gerard Arthur Way, February twenty fourth, Consultant Doctor Jessop, for..." Gerard stopped dead, mouth hanging open as he looked at Frank, tears welling in his eyes, "Frankie... I-I can't-"

"It's just a consultation, but everything - the consultation, the surgery, aftercare - is covered by medical insurance. It won't cost you a penny, baby."

"A-are you serious?" Gerard was shaking, eyes filled with tears, "It's all covered?"

"All of it." Frank smiled, "You said you'd been saving for top surgery, now you don't need to."

"Oh my god, Frankie!" Gerard threw himself into Frank's arms sobbing with happiness, "This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me, I-I can't believe... Oh god..."

"Only the best for you, baby... I love you."

Finally, Gerard was going to be a step closer to living in the body he was meant to have all along, and knowing that he was going to be happier made Frank happy too.

 


	21. Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy

_"And you'll be watching me girl, takin' over the world  
_ _Let the stripes unfurl, gettin' rich singin' "Poor boy, poor boy"  
_ _And I'll be comin' to play, I do it every day  
_ _And the title will stay, Hip Eponymous Poor Boy, poor boy"_   
**\- Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy, Jack White**   
  
  


* * *

 

"I can't believe this is happening!" Gerard was practically skipping down the street from the car, grinning wildly, "Just one month! This is just.. fucking.. ugh!" He made an incoherent noise and launched himself at Frank, hugging him tightly, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Frank and Gerard were going to the bar, celebrating the fact that Gerard had his top surgery scheduled for one month away. Everything had been explained to them both in enough detail for them to fully understand, and Gerard would have a few counselling sessions before then, to make sure his dysphoria wasn't causing him any issues. According to Dr Jessop though, everything was looking good.

Frank laughed and hugged Gerard back, smiling into his shoulder, "You deserve it, baby, you don't need to thank me."

"You're seriously the best," Gerard kissed him hard and fast, pulling back and still wearing his ecstatic smile, "I love you."

"I love you too... Come on, let's go inside."

Inside the bar, it was fairly quiet, which was really expected for a mid-week early evening. As Gerard went and sat at a table, Frank got their drinks. He only other people at the bar were a man who looked as though he,d been there, drinking, all day, two men having a very frantic looking conversation, and a tall, curvy woman with black hair, cut into a long bob. As the barman, Andrew, poured their drinks, Frank caught the woman's eye; She had a pale heart shaped face, with dark brown eyes, sharp eyebrows, a defined nose and full red lips. Her mouth twitched into a tiny smile as she looked at Frank, blinking twice in a surreptitious fluttering of her lashes while she sipped her drink.

Frank smiled back, but only to be polite. She was undeniably gorgeous, but he didn't want to leave himself open to flirtation from a stranger with Gerard sat at a table on the other side of the room.

When Andrew put the two glasses on the bar, one lemonade and one rum and coke, Frank quickly but carefully picked them up, smiled at the woman again (who was still watching him with her dark lined eyes) and made his way back to the table.

Before he'd even set the drinks down, Gerard was talking.

"Do you know her?"

"Huh? Oh... No, she was just smiling at me."

"I think I know her."

"Really?" Frank slid into the seat opposite Gerard and looked back at the woman. She was wearing a woman's leather jacket, a loose white blouse, and a pencil skirt. The seams running up the back of her legs told Frank that she was wearing stockings, her feet slipped into cherry red heels. She was a striking figure, somewhere between rockabilly and business woman, and Frank wasn't sure if Gerard actually knew her or not, as she hadn't turned in their direction.

Before Frank could reach the end of his train of thought, Gerard had stood up and was making his way across the room to the woman. So Frank followed, scrambling to his feet again and throwing a glance at their now seemingly abandoned drinks.

Gerard approached to woman and cleared his throat, making her look around in surprise.

"Excuse me," Gerard started, voice a little unsure, "Are you... um, sorry," he shook his head, "Lindsey, right?"

"Uh, yeah," she smiled, speaking with a very slight lisp to her faint New York accent, "Sorry, have we met before?"

"Oh my god, Lindsey!" Gerard exclaimed, "It's Gee... uh, Angela, from the highschool LGBT+ group?"

It was very strange to hear Gerard refer to himself by his dead name, but it must have clicked in Lindsey's mind because her reaction was instantaneous; eyes wide, eyebrows raised, mouth open. Her lips quickly pulled into an ecstatic smile as she pulled Gerard into a tight hug and squealed.

"Oh my god! Gee, honey, it's been so long!" She pulled back and grinned at him, looking him up and down in awe, "Wow! Life really has been good to you."

"Ha, well," Gerard shrugged, "Aside from my parents, everything's brilliant, yeah."

"Oh, well you look amazing, drop dead gorgeous."

"So do you," Gerard smiled, looking at Lindsey, "I'm uh, pretty sure my boyfriend was checking you out at the bar."

Gerard glanced back at Frank, who smiled nervously as he felt his face heating up, "Uh, hi."

Lindsey smiled at Frank and held out a hand to him, which he shook warmly as she spoke, "Hi, sorry if I made you uncomfortable a few minutes ago. I'm Lindsey."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Frank."

"Uh, Frank," Gerard said, "This is the girl I met at my highschool LGBT group who helped me understand what being transgender is."

"Oh!" Frank realised, "Right! So you're... uh-"

"Yes, I'm trans," Lindsey smiled and shook her head, "You don't need to tip-toe around it. I'm an artist, and a lot of my work is based around gender identity, so..." she shrugged and smiled.

"Uh, care to join us?" Gerard asked, jabbing a thumb at their table, "We're having a little celebration, actually."

"A celebration?! Well, I have some time to kill, how could I say no?"

The trio made their way back to the table, Gerard sliding in next to Frank, Lindsey sat opposite them both.

"So, what's this celebration in aid of?"

Gerard smiled at Frank before answering, "Frank got me a consultation with a surgeon, and I'm booked in to have my top surgery in a month."

"Oh wow! Gee, that's great news! Hang on... is it okay to call you Gee? I don't know what your name is."

Gerard scratched his head nervously, "Gee's fine, don't worry. These days I'm Gerard Arthur though."

"Oh, gorgeous name! Very... Heroic."

"Funny that, 'Gerard' actually means 'hero'." He smiled a little smugly.

"Nice choice." Lindsey nodded her approval, "I could say the same about your beau here."

Frank looked down at his drink, then across at Gerard, "He makes me feel like the luckiest man alive."

Gerard blushed, gently nudging Frank with his shoulder and smiling bashfully, making Frank chuckle.

"Aww, you two are adorable."

Gerard laughed nervously and tried to cover it with a cough, "So, uh... What brings you to Lyndhurst? Last I heard was you'd gone to art school in New York."

"I did, and now I sell my art! I've got an exhibition in a few days so I'm just stopping off to see a few old friends. I didn't know you'd stuck around though."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I moved here from Belleville a few months ago, met Frank on my first day here, and the rest is history."

"That's adorable. God, you're both so lucky."

"You got anyone?"

"No," she shook her head an smiled, "Not that I wouldn't want a gorgeous guy to call my own, but it does make my life easier, what with a touring art show."

"That's pretty cool," Frank joined in, having waited for a chance to take part in the conversation, "Where's the exhibit at?"

"We're at the Newark Museum for two weeks, then the Zimmerli Art Museum for two weeks. We're in the state for a month, but then we're moving on with the tour. It's all linked with a touring project called Alien She Exhibit. You should check it out sometime, it's all to do with riot- oh, crap," Lindsey's attention was drawn up and away from Frank and Gerard as she looked towards the door, "Uh, sorry guys... I'm meeting someone and they just walked in, I'll have to go."

Frank glanced over his shoulder at the person who had just walked in; a tall man, probably in his thirties, of average build, wearing a very casual suit and glasses, behind which were two very tired-looking and very blue eyes.

"One of the exhibition tour curators. Sorry... Gee, um, here's...." Lindsey rummaged in her pocket, "My card. Call me some time, we need to have a proper catch up, babe." She stood up from the table and straightened out her skirt, "It was great to meet you, Frank, and it was great to see you again, Gee." She leaned down and kissed his cheek, "Remember; call me." She tapped his chest and smiled, waving over her shoulder with a tuneful, "Ciao", and she was gone.

Gerard sighed, "Goddamn. Just as much of a scatterbrain as she always was, but fuck, she's lucky... Almost enough to make me go straight."

Frank smirked and jabbed him in the ribs playfully.

"Whoa, hey, I was joking! I don't think I could ever leave you, Frankie," He cupped Frank cheek and softly kissed him, smiling against his lips, "Now, come on, tonight's our night to celebrate us! You might even get lucky later."

"Well," Frank smirked, picking up his drink, "I'll drink to that."


	22. Because Of The Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(TW: Death mention)**

_  
  
"I watched your mother bury you today, with tears in her eyes.  
_ _It wasn't her words that shook me, but the resemblance you shared"_   
**\- Because Of The Shame, Against Me!**   
  
  


* * *

 

It had been almost a week since Gerard's consultation, and the two therapy sessions he'd gone to already had been excellent. He'd asked if Frank could sit in on the sessions, and the therapist, a friendly brunette woman called Laura, had gladly obliged.

The first hour session was almost like a getting to know each other meeting, spent talking about Gerard's journey through his transition, from his gender confusion as a teenager, to the full realisation of being trans and choosing to have surgery. Laura mentioned that it would be good to have Mikey at some of the sessions too, so Gerard would have a chance to really hear Mikey's side of things in a safe, controlled environment.

After the second session, Gerard was left thinking about everything he'd already discussed with Laura.

Sitting in Frank's car on the drive back to Gerard's apartment, Frank noticed he was deep in thought.

"You alright?" He glanced sideways, catching Gerard's eye for a split second.

"Oh? Uh, yeah. I'm fine, he smiled, "Think I'll call Lindsey when we get back."

"You haven't called her yet?"

"Not yet, but I really want to catch up with her. It's been so long, and she really helped me so much in highschool. I can't believe we lost touch really..."

Once they were inside, Gerard sat himself down on the sofa while Frank volunteered to get them both coffee. It was strange how acquainted Frank had become with Gerard's apartment. He knew every room, every cupboard, every shelf, almost or just as well as he knew his own in his apartment. It was a home from home, and they'd both found the were little traces and touches of one another in each other's homes these days. It was a comfort, one of the small things in life that never failed to make either of them smile.

"Hi, Lindsey," Gerard spoke into the phone, as Frank carried their coffee's through and set them on the living room table, "It's Gee."

The small smile on Gerard's face started slipping as he listened to the voice on the other end.

"Oh... god, is she..."

Another pause.

"Oh... I-I'm so sorry... Oh-okay... Y-yes, from highschool."

Another pause, Gerard's face was now emotionless.

"Yeah... Okay. I will, yes... I'm so, so sorry... goodbye."

Gerard hung up the phone, but continued to hold it in his hands, staring at it and looking like he might cry.

Frank sat down beside him, concerned, and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Gee, what's wrong?"

"It's... That was Lindsey's mom."

"Oh?" The way Gerard looked up at him told Frank that something was very very wrong.

"Lindsey was, uh... she was attacked last Thursday, after we saw her."

"Oh my god, is she alright?"

Gerard turned his big hazel eyes up to look at Frank and slowly shook his head, sadness flooding his eyes as well as the tears that glimmered on his lash line.

"Apparently she just... didn't make it." Gerard shrugged, but not out of disregard; he had no other way of putting it.

Frank had no words, but words weren't needed when it came to holding Gerard as he fell forwards into Frank's arms and cried. He didn't stop crying for a long while, and neither of them spoke a word. Shock, sadness, but most of all, an overwhelming sense of grief, consumed the room and held the two men there for hours until the world outside was dark, and Gerard had cried himself to sleep.

 

\---*---

 

Frank had always worn a reasonable amount of black. He'd noticed that Gerard always wore a lot of black, too. But there was nothing more miserable than the black clothes - the shirt, the pants, the tie, the jacket - that one would reserve for funerals. Somehow, even the black of Gerard's hair was miserable today, rather than holding its usual ebony gloss.

It was a Sunday, and the couple had driven to New York the previous day and stayed at a hotel, so as to attend the funeral of Lindsey Ann Ballato.

The car journey there had been fairly quiet, neither of the men had spoken much at the hotel either, and now in the car on the way to the church Gerard was silently staring out of the passenger side window.

Frank knew better than to try and start any conversation, because so far he'd only had very short close-ended answers from Gerard, and a few off hand comments here and there.

It was okay though. Gerard was grieving, it was okay to be quiet.

The atmosphere inside the church - a classic building near the edges of the city, without a churchyard - was welcoming, warm, and almost inviting. Frank could tell that Gerard did not at all feel comfortable there, or happy, and in truth, the whole thing felt upsettingly artificial to Frank, until he saw one person.

Upon arrival, at the end of the aisle, was a woman. Without having ever seen her before, Frank knew immediately and without a shadow of a doubt that this was Lindsey's mother. She was shorter than Lindsey had been, her skin a little darker, hair cut in a different style, and her beautiful face more lined, but other than those factors she was the spitting image of her daughter- or rather, her daughter had been the spitting image of her. It was quite shocking, really, the resemblance. It was look looking at the woman that Lindsey could have been thirty or so years from then. It hurt though, even for Frank who'd only met Lindsey once, that Lindsey would never reach fifty, or sixty, and would never hear, 'You look just like your mother'.

Lindsey's mother stood greeting people on their way to be seated at the pews, dressed in all black, a small bundle of tissues clutched in her hand. People dressed in varying shades of miserable funeral black stood by her, offering their condolences and deepest sympathies, allowing the woman (surely in her early sixties at most) to thank them, kiss their cheek and hand them a programme of what songs would be sung in the ceremony, what poems would be read, who would be speaking.

"You okay?" Frank asked, turning to Gerard and giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

Gerard nodded silently and the two of them made their way to the door, waiting for the woman talking to Lindsey's mother to step inside.

As soon as she had made her way into the main hall, Gerard sheepishly walked up to the older woman, dabbing at her eyes again with a tissue.

She blinked back tears when she saw Gerard, and managed a small, sad smile.

"Hello, dear," she greeted, her New York accent thick with tears, her voice bringing back memories for Gerard as her looked into the face of a woman he'd last spoken to as a confused sixteen year old girl, "Thank you so much for coming."

"I am so, so sorry for your loss," Gerard reached out and took her hand in both of his, tears welling fresh in his eyes, "Lindsey was... she changed my life. I woul..." he hiccuped, "wouldn't be here if it weren't for her."

She smiled sadly again, "Sweetie, none of us would be here," she looked around the hall, "today if it weren't because of Lindsey."

Gerard smiled, and dropped his head, "I guess that's true."

"You look familiar... Were you-"

"I went to school with her, you might not remember me..."

She looked at Gerard for a moment, examining him, "You're not... Little Gee, from Belleville?"

Gerard choked back a sob and smiled sincerely, nodding, "Yes, Maria, that's me. We spoke on the phone on Thursday."

"Little Gee Way! It's those eyes... Gosh, look at you," Maria took hold of bother his hands and stepped backwards, "You're ever so handsome. You know, Lindsey always had a real soft spot for you. She had little 'G's in hearts doodled on her school books."

"Did she really?"

"I'm almost sure of it... We need to have a catch up later, darling. It means so much that you came, she'd be so happy to see you again."

"I wish this were all under better circumstances. I can't... just can't tell you h-how much..."

"Sshh... it's alright, sweetie, come here," Maria stepped forwards and reached up to wrap her arms around Gerard, hugging him and letting him sob onto her shoulder for a few moments, before Gerard straightened up, sniffling and apologising, then curling against Frank.

Frank smiled sadly at Maria, nodding as though to both thank her and apologise. She bowed her head in response, handing him an order of service, and allowing them on their way to the pews, Gerard silently sobbing against Frank's black shirt.


	23. Dead Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Violence mention**

__  
  
"God damn it. God damn, I miss my dead friend."  
 **\- Dead Friend, Against Me**  
  
  


* * *

 

The ceremony had been beautiful. Bouquets of sunflowers and yellow roses and lined the pews and adorned the closed lid of Lindsey's coffin. They'd sung a hymn or two, her mother had read poetry, and as the coffin was taken away from sight behind a curtain Time Of Your Life by Green Day had played through the echoing hall.

Frank had found himself tearing up, but no where near as much as Gerard had, the older man sobbing almost uncontrollably from around half way through the ceremony and was still hiccuping as they drove in the convoy of vehicles heading to the wake afterwards.

"You feeling any better, baby?" Frank asked, reaching across the console and taking a gentle hold of Gerard's hand.

Gerard just sighed softly, "I just can't cry any more. I'm still just as upset."

"Okay," Frank squeezed his fingers reassuringly, "You up for going inside?"

Gerard nodded, eyes still red and puffy.

"Come on, let's go find Maria. You said you wanted to catch up with her."

Gerard somewhat trudged his way from the car, but Frank couldn't blame him really; he'd never seen him so upset. Frank gently slipped an arm around Gerard's waist, hoping it would provide some emotional comfort and support. Gerard smiled at him weakly and removed Frank's had from his waist, instead entwining their fingers and giving a gentle squeeze.

Inside the hotel function hall, tables were set out with with white tablet cloths and more sunflowers and yellow roses. The high windows let in what little light shone through the clouds while the two chandeliers lit up the rest of the room. It looked more like a wedding reception than anything else, but the giveaway was the montage of photos of just Lindsey, from her youngest baby photos to her teenage years and all the way up to what could have been a few days before her death.

Gerard immediately gravitated towards the photographs, and Frank understood why; the highschool photos were of the girl who made him the man he was today, his friend, and probably his first confidant.

"She was always so pretty, wasn't she?" A figure had sidled up to them in a few moments they'd been admiring the photos.

It was Maria, eyes shining with held back tears, but a sincere smile gracing her face, almost seeming familiar due to how much her daughter had looked like her.

Gerard turned and smiled, fresh tears springing to his eyes as he saw her. He nodded and, as if on queue, Maria opened her arms to him, allowing Gerard to fall into her embrace.

"I know honey, I know," she rocked him gently, "It's not fair, is it?"

That was of course a rhetorical question, because they all knew it was downright cruel for Lindsey to be taken from the world in the way she had.

"I-I'm just... I'm so sad, and angry, and sorry... Oh god," Gerard looked at Maria, hands shaking slightly, eyes wide, "I'm so sorry..."

"Gee, sweetheart, you've no reason to be sorry." Maria began tearing up again, so she closed her eyes as if to will the crying away.

"I do... we... we were with her."

Frank looked at Gerard with worry now. Of course, they'd seen her that night, but they weren't with her when she was attacked, and they weren't the last ones to see her alive, but it seemed as though Gerard was about to blame himself.

"You were?" Maria asked softly, eyes a little brighter now.

Gerard nodded, "We were at the same bar that night... we chatted but then she had to go talk to the, uh," he sniffed, "museum curator. For her exhibition."

"Oh... s-she must have been so happy to see you again after so long," she gripped his hand between both of her own and smiled. Her gaze flickered from Gerard for a moment or two to look behind him.

"Look, there are some of the others from the old LGBT group from school, I'm sure they'll love to talk to you."

Gerard nodded silently, hugging Maria one more time and kissing her cheek, before walking over to the small group of people. Frank watched as, despite heir sadness, their faces lit up with recognition and delight at seeing Gerard after all this, some commenting on how good he looked, or how they wished their reunion could have been under better circumstances.

Frank hung back with Maria for a few moments longer, teetering on the edge of asking her something, not sure whether it would be insensitive of him. Finally he plucked up the courage.

"Maria," he turned to the woman, who was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue again, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but... where was Lindsey... attacked? That sounds like a morbidly curious question, but," he looked up at Gerard, who was being embraced by a blond stranger, "Gee was attacked a few weeks ago outside the bar where we met Lindsey the night she..." he swallowed hard as he tried to ascertain what Maria was thinking from the look on her face. She blinked, dabbed at her eyes again, and sighed, nodding solemnly.

"I-it was outside the bar she'd gone to... in the alley outside. She'd g-gone to sm-moke a cigare...." she swallowed, "To smoke a cigarette. That's what the gentleman," she sniffed, tears threatening to spill over again, "The museum curator said."

Frank's heart felt as though it had dropped into the pit of his stomach as he realised the gravity of it all. If Gerard had reported the attack, Lindsey might not have been attacked. But he could think like that, and he couldn't tell Gerard, else he'd blame himself even more; there was no telling what psychological damage that could do to Gerard, especially with his surgery so close.

"My deepest condolences, Maria," he took her hand and kissed her cheeks, "Thank you for inviting Gerard and myself to pay our respects. The flowers are beautiful, too."

"It's what she would have wanted."

"I can see that you and Gerard go back quite a way, so you can call on us any time you need anything."

"Thank you, you sweet boy." She patted is hand, "Thank you for coming. Lindsey really.... she really touched peoples lives. She was always so confident in herself, and patient with her transition. I guess her positivity really rubbed off on people..."

"Especially Gee," Frank looked back at his boyfriend, who was now comforting a short girl who was sobbing into his shoulder.

"You look after that boy... he's always been a little treasure, such a pure heart. Lindsey did love him, once upon a time."

Frank smiled at the older woman, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I can see why... I love him too, and I want it to be a happily ever after."


	24. Negative Creep (Positive Thoughts)

__  
"Daddy's little girl ain't a girl no more"  
 **\- Negative Creep, Nirvana**  
  


* * *

 

The day of Gerard's surgery had finally arrived; Gerard was laying in his hospital bed, Frank holding his hand dutifully while the nurse and doctor stood by Gerard's feet, calmly explaining how the procedure would go.

"So it'll be very simple, relatively quick," Dr Kai, the surgeon who would be leading the operating team, explained, "And when you wake up afterwards we'll make sure to keep you comfortable and out of pain."

"Do you have any questions?" The nurse, by the name of Jenny, asked, voice soft and friendly.

"Uh," Gerard paused for a moment, his grip on Frank's hand tightening slightly, "Will I be able to go home afterwards? I mean, today?"

Dr Kai thought for a moment, "So long as everything goes to plan and there's nothing that might worry us, I can see no reason why you can't go home tonight. Of course, we'll keep you in for a few hours until you've fully recovered from the anaesthetic, but then I'm sure your partner can take you home." He gestured to Frank, who smiled somewhat awkwardly, only due to being referred to as Gerard's 'partner'.

Gerard looked up at Frank with a mix of worry and adoration in his eyes. Frank responded by gently squeezing his fingers and nodding, saying reassuringly, "It'll be fine, baby."

"I know," his eyes closed, as though to affirm his own words, before turned back to Dr Kai, "So, when are we getting this thing underway?"

"We have the theatre booked for half an hours time, so the rest of the surgery team will be preparing everything now. Actually," Dr Kai glanced at his wrist watch, "I should probably go and get ready myself! I'll leave you in Nurse Fitzgerald's capable hands, and I shall see you later!"

"Thank you, doctor," Gerard smiled as Dr Kai exited the room, heading off down the corridor in presumably the direction of the operating theatre.

"Okay," Nurse Fitzgerald said, sounding a lot more peppy that what could be considered normal, "I'm just going to go get some other nurses who will help to prep you, administer the general anaesthetic, and I'll stay with you when you go into the O.R."

"Okay, excellent," Gerard grinned, the nurse smiling back before leaving too, heading in the opposite direction that Dr Kai had.  
  


Frank jumped slightly as Gerard squeezed his hand and squealed excitedly, "Oh my god!"

Frank was just as happy as Gerard was. It had been a rocky two weeks or so since Lindsey's funeral, and Gerard's therapist, Laura, had been hesitant to give the go-ahead with his surgery. But after Gerard had spoken to Laura about Lindsey, the impact she'd had on his life and how he was more determined than ever to live his life how he wanted to, she had agreed that having the surgery as soon as possible was really thing best thing Gerard could do

"I'm so fucking excited!"

"I know baby," Frank hugged Gerard to his chest from where he was sat up in bed, "So am I."

"No more binders, I can go shirtless in the summer," he jumped and looked up at Frank, eyes sparkling, "I could learn to swim!"

"Anything you want baby," Frank's heart thrummed with joy at seeing how excited Gerard was, "I can't wait for you to have all these new experiences, and I'll be right with you through it, I promise." Frank brushed Gerard's hair from his face, tucking it behind his ear as Gerard rested his cheek into Frank's hand.

"Promise you'll be here when I'm out of theatre? When I wake up?"

"I promise. I'll even get you a teddy bear and a bunch of grapes."

Gerard rolled his eyes, "Way to be cheesey."

"Mmh," Frank smiled, leaning closer, "But you love it."

Gerard leaned closer still, "Yes, I do."

They kissed briefly, before the team of nurses trooped in.

"Hello, Gerard," one nurse, bright eyed with wavy, caramel coloured hair said, "I'm nurse Morgan, we're just going to get you all ready before you're wheeled off to theatre."

"I guess I'll step outside then?" Frank jabbed a thumb at the door, and nurse Morgan nodded.

"That'd actually be really helpful, sir."

"Okay..." Frank looked back at Gerard and took his hand, "I can't believe this is actually happening..."

"Nor can I," Gerard was positively beaming, "I love you, so much."

"I love you too." Frank kissed him again, once on the lips, and again on the forehead, "I'll see you when you wake up."

Frank sat in the corridor outside Gerard's room until he was wheeled away, and then went outside for a cigarette. He'd been smoking less and less recently, knowing how bad it was for Gerard's lungs in particular. The fact that his boyfriend was in surgery right now, naturally, made him a little stressed, so the nicotine hit was more than welcomed by his body.

Back inside, he'd brought a book to read, but found himself rereading the same paragraph five times as his mind kept going over the explanation the doctor had given them of Gerard's surgery. The idea of someone taking a knife to Gerard, even in the instance of positively life changing surgery, didn't sit too well with Frank, so he decided to take a walk.

It was a sizeable hospital, so Frank decided to make things interesting: at every corridor junction, he flipped a coin. If it was heads, he went right, if it was tails, he went left. He knew he'd probably get lost and have to ask for directions back, but he wanted to take his mind off things.

It was only when, after about twenty minutes of wandering, the double doors ahead of him burst open, startling him slightly. A nurse pushing a wheelchair came into sight, with a clearly heavily pregnant woman in a lot of pain sat in said wheelchair. The nurse rushed the woman sharply to the right, and the sound of another set of double doors being forced open echoed in the corridor. Frank looked up at the sign on the wall, seeing that the woman was being rushed off toward the delivery rooms.

Stopping at the end of the hallway, Frank saw that he had wandered to the neo-natal ward.

Not wanting to seem like a weirdo, hanging around the baby unit, Frank fished the coin from his pocket and flipped it again, deciding that this time, tails would take him left, but heads would take him back.

Flipping the silver disk into the air, Frank managed to drop it and - just how he managed this, he'll never know - send it rolling on its edge through the gap between the double doors. Sighing, he quickly chased after it, through into the ward.

He managed to stop it under his shoe, triumphant as he bent down and snatched the coin off the cold floor.

As he straightened up, however, he found himself looking through a window, unable to help it due to the pane being rather wide. Inside this somewhat dim room were six incubator cribs, each holding a tiny baby, some with wires coming in and out, some with hospital issue blankets, some with blankets that had clearly been picked out and brought by the expectant parents. Frank smiled at the little scene, thinking about how diverse hospitals could be - mortuaries, surgeries, and new life being brought into the world, all in one building - and turning the quarter between his fingers for a few moments, before leaving and following the signs on the walls to go back the way he came. At one point an orderly had stopped to talk to him as he'd studied a set of signs, asking if he needed any help.  
  


"Hello," the blond man had asked, startling Frank a little, "Are you lost?"

"Oh, uh," Frank blinked a few times, and shook his head, smiling in return, "No, I'm fine, thanks. Just heading to the gift shop."

"Oh! Have you come down from the maternity ward?"

Frank laughed and shook his head again, "Yes, but I just walked from that direction. My, uh," he scratched his head, "My boyfriend's in surgery at the moment, I just needed to clear my head."

The orderly pulled a face of sympathy, "Aw, okay. Is it big surgery?"

Frank chuckled, "It's pretty... life changing. I just hope he'll feel more like himself afterwards."

"Oh, well I hope everything goes well for him." The strangely friendly order continued, "Are you sure you know where you're heading?"

"Yeah, I can just follow the signs anyway." He slipped his hands into his pockets, rocking awkwardly on his heels as he felt as though the blond orderly's dark brown, almost black, eyes were boring into his own.

"Okay, well, I wish you boyfriend a speedy recovery, and don't hesitate to ask anyone for help; this is a hospital, helping's what we do!"

"I will, and thank you." Frank nodded to the man and turned away heading down the hallway that was signposted as leading to the cafe and shop.

It took Frank another twenty minutes to find his way from the maternity wards to the shop, and another twenty minutes after that, he was once again sat in Gerard's room; fresh white roses sat in a plastic vase next to a bunch of grapes on the cabinet, a fluffy stuffed bunny plush was sat on his knee, and Frank was wishing he'd brought a better book. Hound of the Baskerville's wasn't much of an easy read, mainly due to the old English language, partly due to Frank being completely unable to set out the scenery in his head.

 

\---*---

 

Fifteen minutes after returning from surgery, Gerard's eyes fluttered, his eyebrows creased and his lips moved, tongue clicking dryly in his mouth. Frank scrambled a little closer, taking hold of Gerard's hand as he woke up.

"Gee, hey," Frank spoke softly, Gerard turning his head and opening his eyes. Frank beamed, "Hey baby, hi!"

Gerard managed a small, weak smile, shutting his eyes again. He tried to speak, but only a small, pathetic squeak came out. He frown, licked his lips, and tried another word.

"Water."

Frank stood up and grabbed a glass from the table on the other side of the room, pouring some water from the jug provided and walked back over to the bed. He put the glass down and helped Gerard sit up, adjusting the angle of the top of the bed, before handing the water to Gerard. He sipped tentatively, before handing the glass back to Frank and sighing, resting his head back against the pillow.

"Better?"

"Much." Gerard smiled lazily, still drowsy from the anaesthetic.

He slipped his fingers into Gerard's hand and held it gently, "How're you feeling?"

"Tired and bandaged up," Gerard groaned, "But nothing hurts."

He raised his head, looking down at himself. His chest appeared flat under the thick layers of bandages and gauze, but he didn't show much emotion.

"I can't wait to get the dressings off... it doesn't look much different right now."

"I guess not, but I bet you'll be healed up in no time, baby. Hey, look," Frank picked up the stuffed rabbit from the chair and held it out to Gerard, "I got you a bunny! And there's grapes on the table too, I went the whole hog."

Gerard smiled even wider as he took the rabbit, being careful of the cannula in the back of his hand, "You're so damn sweet to me."

"Only the best for you, Gee." He reached and tucked a wayward lock of black behind Gerard's ear, the older man resting his cheek into Frank's palm.

They smiled at each other, before Frank glanced out of the window, spotting nurse Jenny and remembered what she'd said upon bringing Gerard back to the room.

"Oh, hey, baby, I need to go tell the nurses that you're awake okay?"

Gerard grumbled sleepily, readjusting the way he was hugging the rabbit. Frank just smiled though, and kissed his forehead, "The sooner the nurses check on you, the sooner we can get you home."


	25. Hallelujah

__  
  
"I'm sitting pretty in my brand new scars,"  
 **\- Hallelujah, Panic! At The Disco**  
  
  


* * *

 

"Alright then Gerard," the doctor chirped, clapping his hands together, "let's have a look at how these scars are healing up."

Doing as he was told, Gerard stood up, removed his t-shirt, and then his post-surgery binder.

It was a week since Gerard had had his top surgery, and it had been an agonising wait - mostly figuratively, but partially literally - to get the bandages, dressings, and post-op binder off. Frank had practically moved into Gerard's apartment for the past week to look after him; cook, clean, do the laundry, help Gerard in and out of bed, and help him get dressed for the first two days after coming home. Not that he needed to get dressed really. He wasn't working while he recovered, and he wasn't really going out either. It had gotten to the point where Gerard was getting slight cabin fever and had managed to convince Frank to take him grocery shopping.

Now, was the next eagerly awaited day on Gerard's calendar.

The doctor, Dr Todd whom Frank had contacted for the referral to the surgeon, scooted closer to Gerard on his desk chair, and gently peeled away the dressings covering the two long scars.

"Well, Gerard," Dr Todd smiled, "I must say, these are healing superbly!"

Frank watched as Gerard's face split into a wide grin.

"Really?"

"Absolutely. Most people," he started prodding around the stitches as he spoke, "...will fiddle with the dressings or binder, but I can tell you've left them well alone."

"S-so, how much longer will I need dressings? And the binder?" Gerard's feet shifted a little, his shoulders slightly hunched in a way that Frank recognised as mild discomfort.

"Well, it's probably best to keep dressings on them until they've completely scabbed over and are dry," Dr Todd explained, waving his hands in front of Gerard's chest, "So they don't catch on any fibres of your clothes. The binder is more to reduce scarring in the initial healing stage. You can keep wearing it, like a pressure bandage, but really that's up to you. I know lots of people in your position chose to ditch the binder as soon as they dare because, God knows, you've spent long enough having to wear them."

Gerard laughed, slightly nervous, but the way he caught Frank's eye from across the room told the younger man that he was really okay.

"Now, Gerard," Dr Todd leaned forwards in his desk chair slightly, elbows resting on his knees, "I'm going to take the dressings off your nipples now. You've had the possibility of sensation loss explained to you, correct?"

Gerard nodded, blinking and taking a breath as he did so.

"Now, when I take off these dressings, it could feel a little strange depending on where there is or isn't sensation still. Ready?"

Dr Todd's fingers were poised over the smaller dressings, waiting for Gerard's say-so.

"Okay, yeah." He nodded, smiling and deciding to focus on something other than the doctor, and choosing to look at Frank. Frank smiled reassuringly, admiring Gerard, honestly and truly, for how brave he'd been over the past week and beyond. He'd seen Gerard wince in pain every now and then when he thought Frank wasn't looking, moving around his apartment, getting up from chairs, picking up glasses, and the like. He'd kept going, despite the pain, despite the heartache of losing Lindsey, and Frank thought that he could never meet anyone quite as strong as Gerard.

Dr Todd was gently pressing around Gerard's left nipple, checking that the underlying tissue was fine, before pausing and speaking to Gerard again,

"I'm going to check the stitches now, so apologies if this hurts."

"That's alright, Docto- Ow!"

Gerard flinched and pulled a face at Frank which, unfortunately on his part, made Frank laugh.

"Ow?" Dr Todd raise an eyebrow.

"Yeah, ow. Sorry." Gerard laughed too, seeing the funny side.

"Is that just in the stitches, or in the nipple itself?"

"I don't... um, both?" His eyebrows creased as he tried to figure out if his nipples hurt or not.

"Can you feel this?" Dr Todd pressed his thumb carefully against the areola, making Gerard wince again.

"Ah! Yeah, I can."

"Hm," the doctor sat back, "You might be one of the lucky ones to keep sensation!"

"Oh, awesome!" Gerard grinned, catching Frank's eye and smiling even wider.  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
The two men left the doctor's office feeling particularly happy, Gerard's chest both literally and metaphorically lighter. Now with only basic dressings across his scars and instructions to keep them clean and dry aside from showering (but no baths), Gerard and Dr Todd had found that Gerard had lost sensation in his right nipple, but not in his left which had thankfully kept some, if not all, feeling.

"So, gorgeous," Frank slung an arm around Gerard's waist as they reached his car, "Do you want to come over and celebrate?"

Gerard smiled, "Depends what you have in mind?"

"I was thinking..." Frank leaned Gerard against the car, still holding him, "Whatever takeaway you want while we watch whatever film you want."

"Hmm. How about... Howl's Moving Castle, and pizza?"

"Sounds like a plan." Frank kissed him softly, feeling Gerard smile against his lips as he kissed back.

What Gerard didn't know was that, while he and Frank had spent most of the past week at Gerard's apartment, Frank had found some time to buy Gerard a gift for... well, just for everything he'd been through.  
  


Getting into the apartment, everything was cold and unlived-in, but there was a large red wrapped present waiting on the sofa which became the focus of the room.

"Frankie," Gerard called out into the hall, where Frank was turning on the heating for the apartment, "What's this?"

"The big red present?" Frank replied, smiling to himself, knowing there was nothing else that Gerard would be asking about, "That's for you."

Gerard came up behind Frank and wrapped his arms over his shoulders and kissed his cheek, "You're such a sweetheart, what's the occasion?"

"Well, you've just had major surgery, and... well, just open it."

Walking back into the living room, Frank walked to the heater to turn it on, while Gerard sat on the sofa, taking the large flat rectangle and laid it across his lap, peeling off the paper.

Inside was something Frank knew Gerard would love and cherish for the rest of his days.

Inside the wrappings was a board, painted with luminous golds, warm yellows and reds, and smooth ashy greys. The colours swirled and coiled, forming a painting of a person in flames; neither male nor female, either rising or being engulfed in metallic flame and looking serene. They weren't so much in the flames as allowing, willing, themselves to be one with the fire. Head tilted back, eyes closed, colours like honey rising up their soft looking grey skin, they smiled.

"Oh wow, Frank, this is..." Gerard looked in wonder from the painting to Frank, "Where did you find-"

"It's one of Lindsey's."

Gerard's expressions softened even further, tears welling in his eyes, as he took in Frank's words.

"Lindsey's mom said that some of her art from the exhibition was being sold, and the proceeds going to charities that aid gender transitions and give shelter to LGBT+ youth. I thought you might want something of hers, so I went along and this one really caught my attention. It's titled 'Metamorphosis', and I thought you'd like it."

Gerard was dumbstruck, studying the painting with shimmering tears in his eyes and his mouth agape in awe.

"Frankie... this is... it's perfect, and so thoughtful. I didn't think you'd go to so much trouble. I... I'm gonna treasure this forever. Thank you." He pulled Frank close to him, carefully moving the painting out of harms way first, and hugged Frank as tightly as his scars would allow, burying his face against Frank's neck.

"You're more than welcome. Anything for you."

"I love you, Frank."

"I love you too, Gee." Frank gave him a gentle squeeze and pulled back, kissing him, "So," he grinned, "About that pizza?"

Gerard rolled his eyes and laughed, "Yes, okay. Paulo's then?"

"Always Paulo's, babyboy." Frank picked up his phone, dialing the number he knew off by heart.

"Oh, babyboy?" Frank turned to see Gerard looking at him, amused seeming with one eyebrow raised.

"Is that a yes or a no for calling you babyboy?"

Gerard kept the same expression for a few moments, before another look came over him, eyes glinting, teeth catching his lip.

"Mm, I like it..."

Frank smirked, "Good... cause you're my babyboy, and I'm gonna look after you."

"I know," Gerard snuggled closer, tucking himself under Frank's arm and kissing his cheek, "And I love you for it."


	26. Mama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Possible dysphoria trigger**

_  
"You should have raised a baby girl  
_ _I could have been a better son,"_   
**\-  Mama, My Chemical Romance**   
  
  


* * *

 

Frank had found himself keeping track of the days and weeks just like Gerard had: in weeks and days since Gerard's top surgery, and weeks and days until the anniversary of Gerard starting testosterone.

He and Gerard had both gone back to work regularly now, though Gerard wasn't doing any heavy lifting at the coffee shop. To help out on delivery days, Theresa had hired a younger boy, Adam, who helped moved boxes and stack shelves in the stock room once a week, and would work afternoon shifts twice more during the week. On occasion, his and Gerard's shifts had overlapped, and the two had gotten on well, much to Theresa and Frank's relief.  
  


It was a Saturday, meaning Gerard was working, and Frank had a day off. As had become the norm for Friday nights, Frank had stayed at Gerard's apartment. It had been a good night; films, dinner, and gentle sex. It was nice to finally have Gerard shirtless in bed, even if he still had some brutal looking scabs and scars on his chest, but at least, as they slept after, they could sleep skin to skin.  
  


The following morning, however, Frank woke up alone. Bleary-eyed, Frank sat up and looked around the room. The door was open and Gerard's side of the bed was cold, meaning he'd been gone for more than five minutes at least.

Getting out from under the covers and pulling on his boxers, Frank decided to go find Gerard.

"Gee?" Frank called, loud enough to be hears anywhere in the apartment. There was a sound from the bathroom, on Frank's left, followed by a reply.

"I'm in the bathroom." Gerard sounded... off. Frank frowned to himself, approaching the door and knocking, before putting a hand on the handle.

"Are you alright in there?" Frank leaned against the door, waiting for Gerard to reply again.

There was a sniff, more hesitation, and then Gerard stammered for a second.

"I... Uh... Well, um... Kind of?"

"You don't sound so sure, is something wrong?"

There was another heavy pause, only making Frank more worried.

"I've got a... a, uh, bit of a problem."

Gerard definitely sounded upset now, Frank realised, and was worried about how indirect he was being. They usually shared everything these days, or at least in ways that they knew one another would understand, but this wasn't normal.

"Can I come in?" He asked softly, hand still poised on the door handle.

"Uh... no, it'd be better if you didn't."

"What's happened? You're really worrying me."

"I got... uh... Ugh, god, this is really fucking embarrassing," he sighed, no hint of amusement in his voice, only anger and upset.

"I, uh... got my period."  
  


There was another pause, in which it took Frank a moment to realise what Gerard meant.

"But... that stopped months ago... right?"

"I thought so, but..." there was a sigh, "It normally stops as early as three months after starting T, but mine stopped at six months. Even after then I'd get blood spots but, like... I didn't expect this."

"Why would it happen now, I thought testosterone stopped all that?"

"Probably because my doses we small to start with and are still smaller than most trans guys. Anyway," he spoke, fast, and with annoyance, quickly changing the subject, "I need you to go out and get me some... things."

"Of course, you just tell me what you need babe."

"Just... regular applicator tampons." Gerard did not sound at all happy, and was very clearly embarrassed by the whole situation. Frank could only hope that this wouldn't bring Gerard down too much and would be over as fast as possible.

"Anything else? Heat patches, or chocolate? Or... I could call Terri and say you're sick?"

"I am going into work today, Frankie," Gerard yelled back, somewhat affronted, "But," his voice was calmer now, "Those other two would actually be great."

"Okay babe," Frank smiled, "Anything for my gorgeous boyfriend."

There was another pause, before Gerard voice softly said, "I love you."

"I love you too," Frank called back, resting his head against the door, "I'll go get dressed and I'll be back asap, babyboy."

"Okay, Frankie."

Frank could hear the smile in Gerard's voice this time, rather than sorrow, and it eased his worry a little. Traipsing back to the bedroom, Frank pulled on his discarded jeans and Mickey Mouse jumper from the night before, and grabbed his wallet.  
  
  


\---*---

  
  
"Why the hell," Frank called into the apartment as he got through the front door, "Are tampons so expensive? It's cotton on a string!"

"Hello to you too," Gerard laughed, popping his head around the door leading to the kitchen, shirtless and in baggy pyjama pants.

"Sorry, hi," Frank smiled, walking over and kissing Gerard softly, "But really, they're like a genuine necessity for half the population. Why not give them out for free?"

Gerard's hands went straight for the bag Frank was carrying and grabbed the box of tampons, "I dunno. They're actually taxed as 'luxury items', it's fucking ridiculous."

"'Luxury items'? Tampons and pads are fuck necessary! Like, condoms can be optional and you can still get those free from Planned Parenthood or whatever, but no, gotta pay extra for stuff that stops your vagina from painting the town red?" Frank exclaimed, as Gerard disappeared into the bathroom.

"I know! It's so dumb, but the sooner I get a hysterectomy the better, really. Or I could get the doctor to put me on regular T doses. At least then I won't have to deal with 'women's troubles' anymore."

"Hey, Gee, come on," Frank leaned on the door frame again, "Please don't think that this makes you any less of a man, you know? Like... I know I couldn't handle bleeding out of my genitals for a week, with all cramps and everything too. I'm damn proud of you for taking this in your stride, you know."

"Thanks baby, that really means a lot to me," came Gerard's voice, "Oh, and by the way, don't touch the stuff in the kitchen sink."

"Why?"

"Bled all over my pants, I'm soaking out the blood stains."

"Ah, okay." Frank went to move away from the door, but then asked, "How were you managing while I was out?"

"Ugh, I just wadded up some tissues, crossed my legs, and hopped for the best. Felt like I was wearing a fucking nappy- which is part of the reason I don't wear pads."

  
  
\---*---

  
  
After the two of them had finally left Gerard's apartment, Frank had decided to sit in Mara's while Gerard worked his shift. They were both glad that he'd decided to do so, as it was an unusually slow day and Gerard would have been going mad with boredom.

That was one of their favourite things about their relationship: no matter what they would start talking about, they never ran out of conversation. They could be interrupted and completely forget what they were talking about, and they could just pick up on another topic, perhaps one that had to be abandoned the night before when one of them had fallen asleep.

Now, it had been a slow, quiet day up until a certain point. After three, maybe four hours, the quiet of the cafe was very unceremoniously broken by a bedraggled looking young mother and two screaming children.

At first, Frank only felt sorry for the woman whose ear were being assaulted from such a short distance. But then he saw that the older of the two children, being carried on his mother's hip (the youngest being a small baby in a pushchair), had two skinned knees that were slowly seeping blood into his mothers cardigan.

The woman quickly approached the counter asked, almost yelling over the crying,

"Sorry, can I use your bathroom? He's fallen over, I just need to clean him up."

Gerard looked a little shell-shocked at first, but nodded, "Yes, yes of course. They're just round there." He pointed toward the back of the shop and to the right, the direction in which the woman quickly went, but not before thanking him and adding, "Can you just keep an eye on her for a second, thanks."

This only left Gerard looking even more lost, Frank joining him in bewilderedly staring at the crying baby. Gerard looked at Frank, and Frank saw that Gerard really had no idea what to do, so Frank took the initiative.

Leaning down, Frank crouched in front of the pushchair and tried to get the little girls attention.

"Hey there, tiny," he cooed, the baby crying easing to an unhappy whining, "Hey, why all the noise, little missy?"

She stared at Frank, her big blue eyes uncrumpling and watching him in wonder.

"There we go, that's much better," Frank smiled, nudging her cheek with his finger, "I bet you were just being noisy because of your brother!" He nodded at her wriggle and gurgle, "Yes! He was being awfully loud, wasn't he?"

She laughed, feet kicking and toothless gums showing in delight, for some reason, at Frank's baby-talk. The baby was remarkably more quiet than she had been upon arrival, and Frank was rather surprised really; he liked kids, but usually kids hated him. They'd hide behind their parents legs in the supermarket, they'd stare at him on buses, and he'd never seen a baby smile at him before.

"You're a natural," Gerard smiled, leaning on the counter, chin resting on his hand as he watched Frank and the little girl with admiration.

Frank looked at him and laughed, "Ah, well... you'd be surprised. Kids usually run in fear from me, once, literally."

"Well she looks like she loves you."

"Nah, it's probably just my jumper." He glanced at the Disney mouse on his grey jumper.

"Nuh-uh, she's not taken her eyes off you," Gerard smiled, "I can't blame her, really."

"Oh, sshh, you." Frank shook his head and turned his attention back to the baby, "Am I interesting, huh? Am I a good enough distraction from all your crying?"

He looked back over his shoulder at Gerard and smiled at the way Gerard was watching the two of them; he was positively heart-eyed, not just at Frank, but at the both of them.

"Feeling broody?" Frank joked, snapping Gerard out of his dreamy haze.

"Uh- No, I just... um... Oh, shut up." Gerard straightened up and grabbed a cloth from the side, turning away and wiping down the work surface behind him.

The mother returned not long after, while Frank continued to engage in nonsense baby babble with the girl, who was more than happy with the attention she was getting from Frank.

"Thank you," the woman gushed, a still miserable looking child on her hip, "So much. I'm sorry to just invade your shop like this, and with two screaming children of all things."

"Oh, it's really no trouble," Gerard smiled, "I've got a younger brother, I can remember how loud and accident prone kids can be."

The mother smiled and looked at Frank, who was still entertaining the little one in the pushchair.

"She's taken quite a shine to you, haven't you, Maisey?" The mother leaned down and stroked the little girls cheek, smiling at the way she remained transfixed with Frank.

"I've never seen her like this with anyone before, she must really like you!"

"Kids normally hate me," Frank laughed, scratching his head and standing back up, "So this is a first for me too."

  
Five minutes (and a free chocolate muffin for a decidedly happier looking Sam) later, Frank and Gerard were once again left alone on Mara's.

Frank kept looking at Gerard, silently thinking about how he'd watched him and Maisey, until Gerard caught his thoughtful look.

"What?" He turned to the younger man, cloth in one hand, the other on his hip.

"Nothing," Frank replied quickly, perhaps too quickly, as he picked up his coffee again, taking a large sip.

"No, what is it?"

Gerard parked himself opposite Frank at the table, stopping him from avoiding Gerard's eye contact.

"You just..." Frank smirked, "You went all gooey-eyed at me and the baby."

Gerard snorted, "I did not."

"Uh, yeah you did! You got all broody for a minute there, didn't you?"

Gerard didn't deny anything this time; he just looked away and blushed.

"See!" Frank poked his shoulder across the table, "You did! You big softy!"

"What can I say, I like kids." Gerard smiled, tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear, "I've always wanted to be a parent."

"Aw, sweetie. One day..."

"Yeah..." he sighed happily, looking at Frank briefly before darting his eyes away again, "One day."

Just then, a group of kids came in, making Gerard roll his eyes, "Ugh, duty calls."

"Don't worry, babe," Frank reassured him, "Adam'll be in for his shift soon."

As Gerard dragged himself off of the counter again, Frank's mind ran back over the way he'd watched him cheering up Maisey, and how it made him think (not that he quite realised it) how it would be to see his and Gerard's own child one day. One day, maybe.


	27. Ready To Go

_"So tell me right now_  
You think you're ready for it  
I wanna know  
Why you got me going  
So let's go  
We'll take it out of here  
I think I'm ready to leap  
I'm ready to live"  
 **\- Ready To Go, Panic! At The Disco**  
  


* * *

 

Frank had crept to the doorway to the kitchen a minute earlier, when he had heard Gerard stirring their coffee for far longer than anyone would need to.  
Gerard was stood, spoon in hand, staring at the cupboard and no longer stirring the drinks. He was just... standing there. And had been for at least half a minute, which is a rather long amount of tie to spend staring absent-mindedly at a cupboard.  
Frank cleared his throat, making Gerard flinch slightly, dropping the spoon it the drink an splashing coffee over the sided of the mug.

"Damn it..." he whispered, turning to Frank, "Don't do that."  
Frank grinned, "Sorry, but you were just staring off into space. The temptation was too great."  
"You're lucky I don't have fighting instincts." Gerard pouted.  
Frank kept up his smile as he approached Gerard, pressing the other man back against the counter, the two of them chest to chest, nose to nose, "You're lucky that I do." He pecked Gerard's lips and, having picked up one of the mugs, backed away from the counter.  
Gerard smiled abashedly and turned away, picking up his own mug.  
"So, what were you thinking about?"  
"Huh?"  
"You have zero attention span today," Frank rolled his eyes, "When you zoned out? What were you thinking about?"  
"Oh... Nothing."  
Gerard didn't look at Frank when he replied, making the younger man sigh.  
"Nah, come on. You can tell me anything baby, honest."  
"No, you'll think it's weird," Gerard flexed his bare toes against the linoleum floor, hair hanging over his face, "Or it'll scare you."  
"Should I be scared?"  
Gerard opened his mouth to reply, stammered a little and shook his head.  
"I'm just being silly, okay. It doesn't matter."  
Gerard made to walk out of the kitchen, but Frank put down his coffee and blocked the doorway, finally gaining eye contact with Gerard.  
"Please? I promise, whatever it is, you can tell me."  
Frank gave Gerard his most sincere, reassuring smile, soothingly running his hand along Gerard's upper arm. The older man sighed, rolled his eyes, and nodded.  
"Okay, but just... don't freak out, 'cause I'm not like ' _this needs to happen now otherwise all hope is lost_ ' or anything, I just..."  
Frank frowned, "Do you wanna maybe sit down and talk about this?"

Without responding verbally, Gerard gently pushed past and sat down on the couch, hands curled protectively around his coffee as he looked up at Lindsey's painting, which he had hung above the mantle, as though looking to a deity for guidance.  
"So, uh..." he tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, "You know, the other day... when I... got my period?"  
"Yeah?" Frank joined him, watching and listening attentively.  
"And you were cooing over that baby?"  
"Yeah..." Frank frowned a little now, not sure where the conversation might be leading.  
"Well... it just kinda got me thinking... Nothing urgent or anything," he held up a hand defensively, "But, "he sighed, finally looking at Frank with sad eyes, "Look, kids were always part of my plan - from when I was a kid, all the way through my transition, and even now. One day, I want a family, but I want it to be _my_ family, you know?"  
Frank nodded slowly, "Yeah, you mean your own biological children?"  
Gerard nodded, "Getting my period made my realise that all of that must still be working, to a degree, and... I don't know how much longer my... eggs are gonna be..." he paused, searching for the word, "...salvageable."  
"Makes you sound like a car that's about to get scrapped."  
Gerard nudged Frank's shoulder when the younger of the two smirked at his joke, "No, Frankie. Come on, take this seriously."  
"I know. I am, I'm sorry. So... you want to save some of your eggs?"  
"Yeah, so one day I could find a surrogate and... yeah."  
"So... this is a big thing," Frank said after a pause, raising his eyebrows, "And... and expensive. How are you gonna pay for it? 'Cause, you don't know how long the eggs might be stored for and you have to, like...pay rent on their storage."  
"I know, I know... I've looked into it before, and there's an organisation who charge ten thousand for the initial process of harvesting the eggs and everything, a year of free storage, the five hundred dollars per year after that. I still have almost all the money I was saving for my top surgery, so around nine thousand dollars... I was thinking of getting another job, saving up as fast as I can," he shrugged, "I might start selling art, I don't know. But... God, it kinda seems silly now..."  
"No no, none of that seems silly!" Frank scooted closer and put his arm around Gerard's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling him a little closer by the waist.  
"Not that... I just wanted to know what you thought of it?"  
The way Gerard watched Frank, waiting for his answer, told him that Frank's opinion on this really meant a lot to Gerard. Frank thought back to how Gerard had watched him and baby Maisey in the cafe, and the fact that Gerard was discussing this with him gave him a huge sense of involvement.  
"Gosh... uh, Gee..."  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, like, freak you out or-"  
"Gee, Gerard, listen," Frank took Gerard's coffee from his hands and put it on the table, pulling the older man as close to him as possible and planting a kiss to his temple, "Baby, this is a big thing and I feel so... it feels special that you've shared this with me. At the end of the day, it's your choice, and I think it's a wonderful choice. You'd make an amazing dad."  
"You think so?"  
"Absolutely."  
Gerard shifted in Frank's arms, turning so they were face to face, and gently pressed their lips together. Not a casual kiss, not a heated one, but a kiss somewhere between soft and firm that filled Frank's heart with love; they were so close together Frank could feel the love thrumming through his chest, both of their heartbeats tapping against the inside of their ribs, almost in sync with one another.

Gerard pulled back and rested his forehead against Frank's, breathing slowly as their eyes fluttered open together.

"Move in with me."  
Gerard blinked in surprise, "What?"  
"Move in with me, Gee."  
"Are y.. really?" A smile crept onto his face, eyes suddenly bright.  
"Yes, really! Move in with me, we split the rent, you can start saving."  
"Oh my god, Frankie!" Gerard squealed and practically threw himself against Frank, hugging him tightly and laughing, making Frank beam with happiness as he held his boyfriend as tight as he could without hurting him.  
"Oh my god," Gerard sat back, looking at Frank, suddenly almost horrified, "Fuck, I'm moving in with you. Fuck!"  
Frank just laughed, "Fucking hell, just shut up and kiss me, Gerard."

 


	28. Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.**

_"Cause when you look like that_  
_I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh_  
_It drives me wild_ _"_  
**\- Wild,** **Troye** **Sivan  
  
**

 

* * *

 

Moving Gerard's stuff wasn't tiresome, and it wasn't tedious, but things did keep going wrong.

It had taken two days. The first day was spent just clearing space in Frank's apartment for Gerard's things. Just this had started small arguments; the first arguments the couple had had, not counting the dispute over reporting the guys who attacked Gerard. Ultimately they had realised that Frank had just too much crap, and needed to get rid of a lot of it, rather than just relocate it to the spare room like he usually would. They had argued over small things that were resolved almost in minutes, but the biggest argument had been over space in the chest of drawers, about all the clothes Frank never wore for one reason or another - first band tour shirt from when he was thirteen; the t-shirt he wore once when he had no clean clothes, the jacket from the night he lost his virginity; one with a jokey slogan that his father had bought him that he'd never worn but hadn't the heart to get rid of - but Gerard had mede a deal that if Frank could give a legitimate reason to keep it, then he could keep it. Frank was a little pissed, but agreed that it had to be done. That night, Gerard hadn't stayed over. He had gone to his apartment to continue packing, but Frank felt there was still some annoyance about Frank having made his boyfriend sort through his entire wardrobe.  
The following day, Gerard was sluggish and cranky. He had underestimated how much he had to pack and how fast he could pack it.

"All night?" Frank frowned in disbelief, leaning over his kitchen table a little.  
"Yep," Gerard nodded, looking little out of it, eyes glazed and and surrounded by shadows, "it was that or get, like, four hours sleep and be, like, totally unable to function."  
"Babe, you should have just slept," Frank stood up, behind Gerard's chair, and laid a hand on Gerard's shoulder, rubbing gently where he knew Gerard would relax, "I could have just helped you pack today."  
"Hhmm..." Gerard agreed, rolling his head as Frank rubbed his shoulder, "I'm sorry."  
"It's alright, just... I need coffee."  
"Sure thing,"

Then, they had argued over how many vinyl records, CDs, and DVDs Gerard owned. There simply just wasn't enough room for them, and Gerard refused to keep them boxed up. It had only become a problem when Gerard had attempted to relocate some of Frank's music.  
"Look, most of these," Gerard tore open the box, pulling out a few CDs, "are limited edition, rare releases, and special disk sets. The cases were made to be seen, even if it is just the spines. I'm not gonna keep them in a box."  
"There's no space." Frank pinched the bridge of his nose and scrunched his eyes shut, "That is the fact of the matter. I'm not moving any of my stuff either because there isn't anywhere else for them other than a box. If you're not putting yours in storage, then neither am I."  
Gerard started replacing Frank's CDs and rolled his eyes, only irritating Frank more.  
"Fucking... fine, do whatever you want." Frank waved a hand and left the room, missing the look of surprise and hurt that Gerard shot him from the floor by the bookcase.

Frank, he realised of himself, was not good with change. The whole situation was stressing him out unnecessarily. Things had been the same for so long that actually living with someone else was going to take a bit of getting used to. Before it had been fine because he knew that Gerard had his own place and if things got too much they had their own space. But things had only gotten 'too much' the previous day, and now Gerard only had two days left to renew his tenancy if he wanted too. This had all been Frank's idea, and he didn't want to let Gerard down. It wasn't just a case if making him happy; he wanted them happy together.

"Hey, babe?" Gerard approached Frank and lay a hand on his shoulder, jolting him from his angry haze, grip loosening on the edge of the sink.  
"What?" Frank replied, sharper than he'd intended to, and spun around, fast than he meant to, to face Gerard.  
Gerard blinked rapidly, and took a step back, "I-I'm sorry... look, I didn't mean like... God," he sighed and sniffed, eyes shining with tears, "I don't even know. Look, I wasn't saying your stuffs less important or anything, we can just-"  
"You're so fucking beautiful." Gerard's words ceased at Frank's sudden declaration, just as fast as Frank had been struck dumb as soon as he'd seen Gerard's face. It was true. As bad as he felt about upsetting Gerard, in a twisted way, Gerard was absolutely gorgeous when he was about to cry. His eyes were shining brightly, his cheeks and under his eyes flushed, and his mouth open slightly, bottom lip pouty and bordering on quivering. He looked almost debauched, and it should not have turned Frank on.  
"A... uh...." Gerard blushed and batted his lashes, flustered, and looked away, "Frank, that's n-"  
"Not appropriate right now?" Frank cut in, stepping closer to Gerard again, "I don't care," he tried to control himself and gently hooked an arm around Gerard's waist, pulling him close and lifting his chin, "God... you're fucking gorgeous..." he brushed his lips against the older man's exposed neck, feeling him shudder at the touch. Frank's grip tightened, the mixed shivers of anticipation and fear of Frank's rapidly changing mood rolling off Gerard and vibrating through the younger man. "I want you..." Frank groaned, hearing Gerard's breath hitch as he spoke, kissing along Gerard's collarbone now, "Fuck, I _need_ you..."  
"Frankie... Frank, sweetie," Gerard whispered, voice shaking as Frank's lips continued to tease his neck, planting feather light kisses across his skin, frustration building up like water at a damn, waiting to spill over. Frank didn't want to hear what Gerard was going to say, he didn't want to go back to arguing. He slipped his hand down from Gerard's waist, onto his ass and grabbed it, squeezing gently and feeling Gerard arch at the sensation - pushing his ass back into Frank's grip, his chest against Frank himself.  
  
"Gee, baby... please," Frank was borderline begging; Gerard's flushed cheeks and swollen, slick lips were driving him crazy, "You're so pretty, babyboy." Gerard whimpered, Frank moving back from Gerard's neck and turning the older man's face to look at him by his chin, his eyes were shining still with unspilt tears and his pupils were blown wide, breathing laboured as he watched Frank with apprehensive lust. Frank smirked, "You like that? You like being my pretty boy?" Gerard nodded urgently, winding his arms around Frank's neck, pressing the two of them closer together. He in turn buried his face against Frank's neck, heavy breathing hot on his skin.  
"Please, Frankie, please," he started kissing at Frank's neck, his words most like whines, breathy and urgent.  
"Please what?" Frank smirked, unbeknownst to Gerard, loving the power he had.  
"Please, just... touch me. You say you need me, you can fucking have me."  
"I'm gonna fuck you til you can't walk..." was all Frank had a chance to breath out before he pulled Gerard by his hair to press their lips together ferociously, the older man instantly melting in the younger's grip as he allowed himself to submit to Frank's control.  
The kisses were messy, wet, with too many teeth involved, but it was hard to care once Frank had flipped them around and pressed Gerard against the side of the sink, one hand on his waist and the other in his silky black hair.  
They made out heatedly for a few minutes, before Gerard, who until now had been totally pliable under Frank's touch, pushed the younger man back a little, breaking the kiss, and whimpered and panted as he dropped to his knees before Frank. At first, Frank was confused about what Gerard was doing, until the surprisingly submissive man started working Frank's jeans open, pulling his dick free from his underwear and immediately working his hand along the length.

It wasn't long before Frank had Gerard bent over, completely naked, knuckles white as he gripped the edges of the kitchen table his chest was pressed against. Frank was knelt behind him, jeans and underwear discarded, with one hand slowly working his length, the other on Gerard's ass, exposing his holes as Frank ate him out.  
The sounds Gerard was making were getting too much for Frank, realising he was going to come too soon if he kept a hand on himself, and by the sounds of things, Gerard was close too. His thighs were shaking, the heat between his legs wet and pulsing as he whimpered and gasped with every probe of Frank's tongue. He tensed every time Frank strayed near his puckered ass, but Frank decided that that would have to wait for another day.  
He moved further down again, tongue circling Gerard's little cock, making the older man shake and mewl, knees weakening as Frank worked harder at the bundle of nerves. Gerard was getting louder, his thighs shaking more and more with each moan.

"Come on babyboy," Frank growled, kissing the inside of Gerard's thighs and digging his fingers harshly into the soft flesh of his ass, "Wanna make you come, so I can fuck you and make you come again."  
Gerard just whined and pressed his hips back, blatantly wanting Frank to carry on, which he more than willingly did. All it took was a few more strokes of Frank's tongue rubbing hard at Gerard's most sensitive spots before he was moaning, long and loud, as he came wetly on Frank's tongue and chin, soaking his own lips and inner thigh as he rode out the high.

It was only when Gerard was left a panting mess, gripping the table edge for support, that Frank moved away, tearing off his own t-shirt and stroking himself, looking at the slick mess between Gerard's legs. He lay a hand on Gerard's back, rubbing up and down his spine a few times, before lining himself up and pushing into the wet heat with ease, making Gerard groan with the sensation of being so suddenly filled.  
"Jesus fucking Christ, Gerard," Frank gasped, brow furrowed at the almost too good feeling of being inside his boyfriend, "So fucking good."  
All Gerard could do was whimper breathlessly, still strung out from his orgasm, as Frank started thrusting harder into him, grunting and gasping every time Gerard tightened around him.  
"Such a good boy," Frank moaned, reaching under Gerard and spreading his inked fingers over his chest, being careful of the scars, and levered Gerard up so his back was arched, "My good boy," he growled in Gerard's ear, thrusting hard and making his boyfriend moan.  
"Fuck... god, y-yeah... all yours..." Gerard was like a ragdoll in Frank's arms, his head tilted back where Frank was kissing and panting against his neck, his hips bouncing back against Frank's and meeting his thrusts every time, driving Frank's cock as deep as it could go.  
"Plea-ease... Frankie, come in me..." Gerard panted, dropping forward and leaning on the table again, back still arched as Frank practically pounded him, "I want you to fill me u- ...oh god... please."  
"Only if you come for me again, baby," Frank was still thrusting hard, shaking the table now with the force, and probably bruising Gerard's hips in the process (not that he'd been complaining).  
"Fuck yes..." Gerard moaned, his body wracked with shakes from both Frank's fucking and his sensitivity, "God," he whined, scrapping his nails across the tabletop and leaving scratches, "harder, please..."  
Frank didn't reply verbally, he just gripped Gerard hips and slammed into him, making Gerard shake with pleasure as the table shifted an inch or two across the room. Sliding one hand down between Gerard's legs, Frank stroked his boyfriends little cock, pushing them both closer to the edge of ecstasy.  
Frank was biting down on his lip, grunting with each thrust, which Gerard was more than vocal, producing a string of loud, drawn-out 'ah's until he was screaming, coming wetly for the second time, tightening in rippling waves around Frank until he came too, the two of them riding out there orgasms together. Gerard's arms and legs gave way, leaving him supported only by the somewhat sweaty table and the strong hands gripping his hips, Frank still thrusting ferociously until he was far to sensitive to move anymore.

Frank tried to not collapse over Gerard's body, knowing his legs had near enough given out anyway. Instead he resting one arm on the table and held Gerard around his waist as they both caught their breath, Frank going soft again and Gerard panting against the table top, sighing with satisfaction and lifting his head after a few minutes.  
"God..."  
"I'm sorry if I got carried away... or scared you or anything," Frank said gently, kissing Gerard's smooth, bare shoulder.  
Gerard laughed softly, "No, no... It's okay. I really... really liked that. I like that side of you, Frankie."  
"Well I like this side of you too... but, I do have one thing I want to say."  
"Huh? What's that?"  
Frank smirked, "I think we should get a bigger bookcase."  
Gerard paused for a moment before sighing and laughing, shaking his head. "I completely forgot how we got in this situation..."  
"I think that was kind of what I was aiming for, just to forget that we were upset or angry."  
"Well, that worked." Gerard laughed, pushing himself up from the table.

Frank stood up and took a step back; it was just as well really, seeing as Gerard collapsed.  
"Oh god, are you alright?" Frank immediately crouched down, taking a gentle hold of Gerard's arm, while the black haired man sat looking a little dazed.  
"I... my legs are too..." he looked up at Frank and blushed crimson, "You fucked me so hard I can't walk."  
Frank had to not laugh, and instead showed sympathy for his lover, "Aw, poor baby. Come 'ere," he hooked one arm under Gerard's legs, the other under his arm and around his ribs, "I'll carry you to the couch."

Gerard didn't say anything, he just let Frank lift him up, with surprising strength, and carry him through to the living room, laying him on the couch cushions and covering him with a blanket. Frank swooped down, kissing Gerard deeply and quickly, and pulling away, knowing he'd left Gerard wanting more. Gerard looked completely fucked out, eyes tired and heavy lidded, cheeks flushed and a dozy smile gracing his lips.  
"You stay there," Frank said softly, stroking his fingers across Gerard's cheek, "And I'll go and put my pants back on and finish unpacking."  
"I love you, Frankie,"  
"I love you too, Gee," Frank kissed Gerard's forehead, the older man shutting his eyes at the delicate touch, "to the moon and back."

Gerard smiled, catching Frank's eye, "You know, you can keep your pants off..."  



	29. Target

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Rape/sexual assault mention**

__  
  
"Got your brother  
_Got your sister_  
_Got your mother_  
_Gonna getcha_ _"_   
**\- Target, Purple**   
  
  


* * *

The few weeks since Gerard had moved in had been calm, and happy. A week or so after Gerard had moved in, they had celebrated his birthday, inviting Mikey and Alicia over and receiving gifts from both Frank's and Lindsey's mothers. It seemed that Gerard didn't have many friends at all, but the small gathering was a happy one anyone, and he had thanked Frank anyway.  
Now, as summer crept closer and the days grew longer, Frank and Gerard had settled into life together easily. Frank cooked more often than not, and Gerard was brilliant with keeping their place clean and tidy. If course, they helped one another out here and there, but they easily found a natural balance.It was early May, and Frank had picked up Gerard from work in his rattly old car (which he was adamant was going to give up the ghost any day now) and they had just returned home. They walked around the building, towards the front doors, at which point Gerard froze, face dropping as he then retreated around the corner of the building again.  
  
"Gee, you okay?" Frank frowned, concerned with the wide eyes look of horror on Gerard's face.  
"My mother."  
"What?"  
Gerard took a breath, blinking rapidly, "My mother is out front there."  
"How.. what? Why is she here? How did she find where we live?"  
"I don't know, I'm kinda freaking the fuck out right now," he hissed through his teeth, looking distinctively paler than he had not two minutes ago.  
"Okay, it's okay baby, just... breathe, okay?"  
"What the fuck do I do? I don't wanna see her."  
"I know... uh..." Frank frowned, scratching his head, "Should... Maybe I could go ask her what she wants?"  
"She doesn't know you, it'll be weird." Gerard said quickly, still sounding incredibly panicked.  
"You talk to her then,"  
"Are you fucking crazy?" He hissed again, eyes bugging out of his head.  
"Do you want to call the police then?"  
"No! I'm not calling the police on my mother!"  
Frank threw his hands up, exasperated, "Well what do we do?"  
Gerard paused for a moment, back flat against the wall, eyes wide and flitting back and forth as though searching for an answer in mid air.  
Suddenly, he snapped out of his trance, hand diving into his pocket and pulling out his phone.  
"I don't know about you," he muttered, "But I'm calling Mikey."  
  
Frank didn't say a word as Gerard rather angrily dialed Mikey's number and waited for him to pick up, putting the call on loudspeaker.  
"Hyello?" Mikey's grainy voice came though the speaker.  
Gerard got straight to the point, "Mikes, we have a situation."  
"What's up?"  
"Mom. Mom is what's up."  
"Oh god, what's she done?"  
"She's here. She is outside our building, right by the front doors."  
"Shit..." Mikey breathed, followed by the sound of movement and muffled voices in the background, "That, uh... that's my fault."  
"What the fuck, why would you do that?!" Gerard whisper-yelled into the receiver, interrupted by Mikey talking again.  
"No, no, Gee, listen! I spoke to her, and I wouldn't have given her your address if I didn't think it was safe."  
"Michael, don't you ever fucking do anything like that again without talking to me! This isn't just ' _ugh I don't want mom messing with my life_ '," Gerard put on a low voice, imitating a moody teenager, before returning to normal, "This is literally a case of keeping myself out of danger! It was hard enough for me to find an apartment and a job where I wouldn't be discriminated, and this could completely fuck everything up! I haven't even met everyone in the building yet, so you better fucking hope and pray to your gods that Mom doesn't let slip to any violent bigots hat might be nearby that I am trans."  
"Okay, jeez, Gerard, I said I wo-"  
"Don't you 'okay, jeez' me! You don't fucking get it." Gerard shook his head, his new, shorter haircut not allowing him to hide his teary eyes from Frank.  
Mikey sighed,"No... I guess I don't..."  
There was a pause before the younger Way brother spoke again, "I mean it, though. I spoke to her and... she's really come round to the fact she has two sons. Genuinely, she's been boxing up your old comics and stuff, anything she thought you might want that we didn't manage to get, and bringing it round to mine. And she calls you Gee. She's still struggling with pronouns but she's working on it."  
The brothers fell silent again, Gerard chewing the inside of his lip, scowling at the phone.  
"You still there?"  
"Yeah, Mikes, I'm here." Mikey sighed again, "Just... give her a chance. Frank's home, right?"  
"Uh," Frank stepped closer to the phone and spoke, "I'm here, actually."  
"Oh, hey there, Iero."  
" Sup, Mikey Way."  
"'Kay, so you're not alone Gee, and she's not gonna flip out or anything just... be firm with her."  
"I don't have a good feeling about this." Gerard spoke into the receiver, but looked at Frank as he spoke, "A leopard doesn't change its spots so easily."  
"This is our mother though, and I know she wears a lot of fur coats but she's not a leopard, and she can change."  
"Alright Mikey..." Gerard ran his hand through his hair, "But if this goes badly I'm holding you accountable."  
"Love you too, bro."  
"I'm not fucking kidding, Michael."  
  
And with that, Gerard hung up, shoving his phone into his pocket and sucking in a shaky breath.  
"I fucking wish I hadn't quit smoking..."  
"Are you okay, babe? We don't have to talk to her, she... She might not even recognise you, it's been, what, seven... eight months since she's seen you. And you've changed a lot in the months I've known you." Gerard sniffed and shook hi head, straightening up,  
"Nah, I'm gonna talk to her. Either Mikey's right and she has changed, or I need to make it clear that she is not welcome here." Gerard pulled down the hem of his black work shirt and checked his collar, smiling at Frank and stepping past him, around the corner of the building and into the line of fire.  
Following closely, almost right by Gerard's side, Frank spotted the woman who must have been Gerard's mother. She wore all black - black dress, tights, heels, jacket - while her hair was peroxide blonde, though badly bordering on off-yellow. She dressed young for her age, Frank thought, but it suited her. As she turned to face them, Gerard's steps slowing a little, Frank saw how much Mikey looked like their mother, and where Gerard got his fashion sense from. They stopped in front of the woman, who looked up, eyes wide and face stoic as though she was struggling to stay composed as she dropped her cigarette and stubbed it out under her toe.  
  
"H-hi." Gerard said, stammering briefly.  
"Hi." She replied, blinking rapidly and trying to smile, though she really just looked shocked and a little uncomfortable.  
"H-how... how are you?" Gerard shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, unsure what to do with them otherwise,  
"I'm... Okay." Mrs Way nodded, "I've been okay. Yourself?"  
"I'm good, everything's been really good." He smiled, a nervous one, but a smile but nonetheless.  
"Can... uh," he looked to Frank, who smiled reassuringly, "This... this is my boyfriend; Frank."  
"Nice to meet you." He politely held out a hand to the woman for the woman to shake, which she did albeit tentatively.  
"Nice to meet you too, I'm Donna." Donna smiled a little more willingly at Frank, who still wasn't sure what to make of the woman.  
"May we invite you in?" Gerard asked, coughing a little and looking deeply anxious.  
Donna picked up her bag and nodded, "That would be lovely."  
  
They walked inside and across the hall to their apartment in silence, Frank walking one step behind, keeping an eye on the both of them.  
Inside, Donna settled herself on the couch, while Gerard and Frank went to make coffee in the kitchen. Frank gently lay a hand in Gerard's shoulder as they waited for the kettle to boil,  
"You alright?"  
"She's gotten thin," Gerard replied thoughtfully, frowning at the wall.  
"Oh... not good?"  
He sighed, "The last time I saw her that thin was when Grandma died."  
"She must have been having a tough time recently then."  
"Oh what, compared to me living the life of riley?"  
Frank sighed, "She probably feels bad about what she did, and is missing you."  
"No, she misses Angela."  
"If Mikey says to give her a chance then I really think you should. You two know your mother better than I do though, so go with your instinct."  
Gerard shut his eyes and nodded, "I will, don't worry. But if something seems like it's wrong, it probably is so, by all means, step in."  
"I will, babe." He kissed the older man softly on the cheek and went to get three mugs from the cupboard.  
  
Unlike Gerard, Donna Way had rather sweet coffee. But exactly like her son, she had the same shaped eyes - under her heavy lids - and the same look when she was nervous.  
"So, I spoke to Mikey."  
"Hm?"  
"Yeah," Gerard continued, "Said that you'd... changed a little."  
"I... uh," Donna coughed, "I am trying to make an effort to... accommodate you, in my life."  
"Makes me sound like an inconvenience."  
"I don't... not like that, sorry." She'd barely looked at either of them since arriving; similarly, Gerard had barely looked at her. Frank couldn't blame him, seeing as the last time Gerard had probably spoken face to face with his mother was when she was screaming at him, telling him to leave.  
"This is a lovely place you have."  
They both thanked her, and Frank added, "It's been just me here for a few years, but Gerard's brought a real homely touch around the place."  
"Lovely... so," Donna finally looked up from her coffee at Gerard, smiling very slightly, "You kept that name then, Gerard?"  
"Yeah... Gerard Arthur. I-I don't know if they ever said, but, uh, Mikey and Grandma helped me choose my name."  
Donna's eyebrows shot up, "Elena helped you? She... she was-"  
Gerard cut in, "She said that this was the way I was made, and that God would never wish that one of his children be unhappy."  
"Oh." Donna didn't say any more, just sipped her coffee. Gerard sighed.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
Donna paused, looking into her coffee for a few seconds, before speaking softly.  
"I-it's been months since I've seen you, and I know that out last conversation wasn't exactly... civil-" Gerard snorted, but Donna wasn't phased and carried on, "And I've been trying to educate myself on your situation, and I learned that with a... lifestyle like yours, I learned that things can be quite unsafe. I was worried about you."  
"Unsafe us an understatement, Mom. You have no idea about what's been going on in my life these past months and how badly I have needed people around me. I've had Frank, Mikey, and Alicia, but even Mikey doesn't know half the shit that's been going on. You chose to not have anything to do with me when I finally found who I was supposed to be all along, so why give a damn now?"  
"Ange... Gerard," she quickly corrected herself, the slip up making Gerard visibly flinch, "I am, even after all this, your mother. I do actually care, it was just hard for me to get used to you deciding to live as a male."  
"Well golly," Gerard said sarcastically, "D'you know what? It's been hard for me too." He set down his mug and faced his mother fully, turning his body towards her, "In the past six months I have had major surgery, nearly been raped, and buried one if my oldest friends only a week after seeing her again for the first time in ten years. How about you, what's been troubling you, _mother_?"  
The brutal honestly left even Frank taken aback, while Donna looked like she'd just been smacked around the face, on the verge of tears.  
"R-raped?" She whispered.  
"Nearly raped, yeah, in the same alley where my friend was found beaten to death, like, two weeks weeks later. So god, please fucking do tell me how hard things have been for you because, to be honest, I could do with a laugh."  
  
"Wh... what's gotten into you? You were never like this before... you were so sweet, and quiet."  
"Because I was just going along with it all while I was dying inside every time I was reminded that I was born in the wrong body, that no one could see who I really am. I was quiet because I was scared that... that I was broken. That I was a freak and no one would ever want me. All you ever did was make me think that I was right."  
Donna's mouth was hanging open in disbelief, eyes brimming with tears as she struggled to find something to say.  
"Gee," Frank whispered, resting a hand on Gerard's arm, "You okay? Do you want her to go?"  
"No, no," he shook his head and sniffed, "I want to hear what she has to say."  
Donna stayed speechless for a few moments longer, both men looking at her, waiting, until she let out a sob.  
"Oh god," she put a hand to her mouth, mascara running down her face, pulled by her tears, "I'm such an evil woman. Gee... Gerard," she swallowed, "I am so, so sorry. I-I had no idea how... how unhappy you were."  
"Don't expect me to forgive you. _Especially_ after sent that photo album. You ended up outing me to Frank way before I was ready, which is just as bad as throwing me out."  
"God, Gee, no! I don't, I really don't. I..." she hiccupped, gasping and putting her hands over her mouth again, "I threw you out! Just for... being you."  
"So what is you want then?"  
"I wanted... I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I g-guess I did want your forgiveness but I know I shouldn't expect that of you. But, a-also," she took a deep breath, shaking a little, "I think I'm ready to get to know my eldest son." She blinked away the tears from her vision and smiled again, her lips having the same crooked twitch that Gerard's had, her eyes the same dark hazel as Mikey's.  
There was no denying that she was the mother of the two boys, but whether she deserved to be called a mother was a different matter.  
  
Gerard stopped dead, taking a short breath and freezing up. His eyes started swimming, his bottom lip quivering and breaths shaking.  
"Y... your son?" He whispered.  
Donna smiled weakly, "Yes, if you'll still let me call you my child. A-and I really hope that I have the chance to spend more time with... with my two boys."  
"Do you mean it? You're not going to change your mind or anything?"  
"Gerard, you have to realise I'm still learning, and getting used to things this way. I am going to try, really, but I need you to be patient with me."  
"I-I know... but you have to listen to me if I correct you on anything, some things can only be learned first hand."  
"I will, I promise."  
There was a pause, both Gerard and Donna sniffling a little, until Donna asked, "Would it... Could I perhaps have a hug?"  
"Uh... Sure, I mean, yeah." Gerard wiped his eyes and nodded, standing up and pulling on the hem of his t-shirt again.  
Donna stood up too, a little shorter than her son, and awkwardly held her arms open. He stepped into her embrace and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. A second later, Gerard burst into tears, as did Donna, leaving Frank feeling a little awkward as he watched the emotional reunion between the two.  
"I can't actually remember the last time you hugged me." Gerard sobbed, sniffling as his mothers hands rubbed soothingly up and down his back.  
"Nor can I..." she squeezed him a little, before stepping back, "You, uh, your chest, it's-"  
"I had a mastectomy a few weeks ago. They were... in the way. Physically and emotionally."  
"Was that the surgery you said you had?"  
"Yeah... um, sorry," he shook his head, stepping back, "Could we maybe do this another day? You kinda... caught me off guard today."  
"Oh, uh sure. Yes, yes, of course." Donna too stepped back, looking away to her bag, "I have brought you some things though, i-if that's okay?"  
"I guess so," he nodded glancing back at Frank nervously, probably fearing another photo album incident, "what have you brought?"  
Donna picked up her bag and sat back down, rummaging through it, "Just a few of your old things. We were clearing out the attic and thought you might like a few things." From her bag, she pulled another bag, a plastic one, with a few items inside. "It's not anything that should, uh... trigger you. Is that the right word?" She frowned, waiting for Gerard's confirmation.  
"Yeah, that's really good of you."  
She handed the bag to Gerard, smiling, "It's just... just a few things."  
"Thanks. So, um. Shall I call you, and we can catch up another time?"  
"Of course, of course, just call the house any time. I'll get out of your hair now."  
"I'll show you out,"  
Donna nodded and looked to Frank, "It was nice to meet you, Frank."  
"You too, Donna." Frank waited while Gerard showed his mother out, eyeing the carrier bag curiously.  
  
He was happy, for Gerard's sake, that Donna was making an effort, but was sure that they both knew it would be a long while until she was fully accepting of everything about Gerard and his life.  
"So, what's in the bag?" Frank resettled himself, cross legged on the couch next to Gerard. The older man picked up the bag and peered inside.  
"I don't know but I hope there really isn't anything triggering in here."  
The first thing he pulled from the bag was a thin and worn cream coloured t-shirt, with a distinctive musty smell and a very faded red and blue logo. After unfolding it, Gerard gasped and smiled, almost squealing with delight.  
"What is it?"  
"It's the t-shirt from the first ever show I went to as a kid!"  
Looking again, Frank saw it was a very faded Bruce Springsteen tour t-shirt, Bruce himself in the middle, the background made up of stars and stripes.  
"Your first show was Bruce Springsteen?"  
"Yeah," Gerard smiled, "my mom took me, actually... God, I genuinely haven't seen this in years!"  
He carefully put it on the arm of the couch and pulled the second item from the bag.  
This time, it was a picture frame made of plain wood, holding a photo of two teenagers, one blonde, one dark haired, with an am around one another's shoulders.  
"Oh wow..."  
"Is... is that you?" Frank craned his neck to try and see the picture better, Gerard passing the frame to him.  
"Yeah, that's me and Mikey... I must be about eighteen there, so Mikey's about fifteen? This... I used to have his on my bedside table, and it was one of the only pictures of me that I let my parents put up in the living room."  
In the picture, Gerard was wearing a blue t-shirt, his chest looking very flat, but ultimately he looked more... curvy, like a teenage girl would, but his face was free from makeup and his hair still hung around his rounded face like it had when they had first met. Mikey, too, was chubbier than he was these days, his hair hanging in his eyes as he squinted and half smiled at the camera, looking very different to Gerard; if Frank hadn't know who it was in the photo he wouldn't have known they were even related.  
"You got androgyny down early, I see." He smirked, making Gerard smile a little.  
"The more ambiguous, the better, back then. I was already out to Mikey and my Grandma by then as well... I like this photo a lot."  
"Your mom must have remembered." Gerard just smiled, and placed the photo frame on top of the t-shirt.

The last thing in the bag was a very old looking cassette tape, the only insert being a slip of lined paper with a handful of words hand printed in blue biro. Gerard picked it up, seemingly not recognising it at first, before his face suddenly dropped.  
"Holy shit."  
"What?" Frank asked, a little worriedly.  
"I forgot this existed." Gerard held the case with both hands, staring at it in shock.  
"What is it?"  
"It's a cassette tape I made when I was sixteen."  
"Is it you singing?" Frank smiled, hoping it was.  
  
Instead of answering, Gerard walked over to the stereo, put the cassette into the tape deck and hit play. Immediately, a high voice and a heavy New Jersey twang came out if the speakers, the quality gravelly but still perfectly audible, the sounds of guitar strings being brushed against clear to Frank's ears. The voice cleared their throat, before saying nervously,  
"This is Gee Way, covering Walk On The Wild Side, uh... yeah," there was another cough, before Gerard stopped the tape, blushing profusely.  
"Yeah," Gerard said shortly, "This is staying hidden forever."  
"Aw, Gerard!" Frank whined, "I wanna hear it, I've never heard you play guitar! Plus, you know I love Lou Reed."  
"Uh, well," Gerard looked at the case, and sighed, "You _could_ listen to sixteen year old gender confused Gee sing about transsexuals, or," he flipped the case over, "The B-side which is my cover of Androgynous by Joan Jett which," he chuckled,"far better suits my baby pre-t voice, if I do say so myself."  
"Oh my god, both." Frank beamed, "You have to let me listen to both."  
Gerard shook his head again, grinning and muttering, "Where the fuck did she even find this?"  
"You know," Frank moved his legs from under himself, bouncing on the couch cushion, "We should totally try writing a song together, or you should come jam with Pencey some time."  
Gerard's lips twitched at one corner, turning away from Frank and replying, "I'll think about it, baby," before hitting play on the tape again

 


	30. Back To The Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Rape mention, violence mention, death mention**

_"I don't know why I felt the need to keep it up for oh so long_  
_It's all my fault I'm sorry you did absolutely nothing wrong_  
 _I don't know why I felt the need to drag it out for all these years_  
 _All the pain I've caused you_  
_The constant flow of all the tears"_  
**\- Back To The Start, Lily Allen**  


* * *

 

  
"I need to, like, go for a run," Gerard sighed and threw himself onto the couch, careful of his thigh, "Or dance, or go to a show. Why today? Of all days?"  
Frank followed his boyfriend into the living room, carefully moving his boxer-clad legs out of the way and sitting down, replacing Gerard's calves across his lap.  
  
It was a Saturday and Gerard had just, once again, managed to suffer through another testosterone shot. He was still a little shaky but that was only partially due to his fear of needles (despite Frank having administered the shot and Gerard having refused to even look at the packaging, let alone the needle itself); he had agreed to have coffee with his mother that afternoon, and to say he was worried would be an understatement.  
  
"You can always call her and tell her you're sick? I mean," he gently ran a hand across Gerard's bare thigh, careful to avoid the pinprick on his pale skin, "I know how you get after your shots, so it counts as being ill."  
Gerard threw down his arms into his lap, his hair still an unbrushed rats nest, his Star Wars t-shirt hanging off his shoulder, and rolled his eyes, "I'm not ducking out of this, okay? I've barely spoken to my mother in over a year. Even before I moved out we weren't on good terms, but she's making an effort now. Even after all the shit she's pulled, I'm giving her a chance and I am keeping my word."  
"Okay, if you're sure." Frank's hand found Gerard's and gentle squeezed his fingers in reassurance, not sure of what to say next.  
So, he decided to change the subject.  
"You think you can manage some breakfast? Coffee? Orange juice?"  
"Yes please," Gerard replied, leaning back and shutting his eyes, "Yes to all."  
Frank quirked an eyebrow, "All of it? Coffee *and* orange juice?"  
"Yeah," Gerard lifted his head, looking at Frank as though it were obvious, "Well, like... obviously not in the same glass but I'm tired and you know how shitty the T shots make me feel."  
"I know babe, it's okay."  
Gerard swung his legs out of Frank's way, letting his boyfriend stand up and then bend down again to tenderly kiss his pale cheek before heading into the kitchen, hoping to give Gerard's day a good start, and pray it carried on that way.  
"I don't know why I decided to have the injections. I think I'm gonna ask to switch to the patch... I think it might be cheaper, and I won't be so... fuckin'... hyped up after every dose." Gerard thought out loud, as Frank leaned on the doorframe between the kitchen and living room, waiting for the kettle to boil  
"Sounds like a good idea. You're not... not quite yourself for a day or two." Frank tilted his head a little, smiling sadly, "I miss my sweet Gee."  
"Yeah, well you've got to deal with your 'sweet Gee hyped up on T' for a couple days, alright?" He laughed, sitting back further into the couch cushions, making Frank grin.  
  
  
  
\---*---  
  
  
  
Gerard and Donna had agreed to meet, along with Frank, at a cafe back in Belleville in the hopes that, if things did go badly, the possibility of people being around who knew Donna would stop the woman from making a scene in public.  
It was a place that had opened up after Gerard had moved away too, so it held no memories, good or bad, for Gerard and was a little bit safer for him in that sense.  
Frank himself had also let his own mother know what was happening, after checking with Gerard that that was an okay thing to do. In a worst case scenario, the two men would go to Frank's mother's house, as Donna didn't know where she lived. It was a safe place, and Linda had assured the two of them that they were welcome any time for any reason.  
The coffee shop was far more polished and corporate than Mara's back in Lyndhurst, lacking the friendly feel despite the warm wooden furniture and calm, cream coloured walls. Gerard and Frank had arrived a little earlier than the time they'd all agreed, just so Gerard wasn't thrown headfirst into an entirely new, uncomfortable situation.  
  
Sat at one of the slightly larger tables, Frank stirred sugar into his coffee, glancing up and doing a double take as he noticed Gerard watching him.  
"What?" He frowned slightly, looking back at his coffee and setting down the teaspoon.  
"Your face is scruffy."  
"Huh?"  
"Your face," Gerard said thoughtfully, "It's scruffy. Did you shave?"  
"I, uh... no," Frank frowned, touching his cheek and realising that his stubble was perhaps worse than he realised, "I didn't think I needed to."  
"It kinda suits you," Gerard smiled softly, lifting his cup to his lips, "Just don!t go growing one of those awkward, patchy, badly-grown-in beards, 'kay?"  
"I won't, don't worry," Frank rolled his eyes and smirked, "I think I do a pretty good job of wearing a bit of chin scruff, though."  
"Yeah," Gerard leaned closer and pecked his cheek quickly and laughed, "Prickly kisses though."  
  
Not even a minute later, and Donna was walking through the door of the coffee shop, making Gerard catch his breath with sudden panic, grabbing Frank's sleeve as he did so.  
Frank noticed immediately and lay a soothing hand over his boyfriend's, feeling the tendons relax under the pale skin at his touch.  
"It's alright, just be polite... we can leave whenever you want to."  
Gerard nodded silently, eyes still trained on the woman, her tanned skin and wispy peroxide blonde hair making her the polar opposite of her son.  
  
"Hi, Gerard," she smiled, once again reminding Frank eerily of Mikey, "How are you?"  
"I-I'm okay, yourself?"  
"I'm okay too," she set her bag down on the seat opposite Frank, "I'll just go get a coffee and I'll be right with you two."  
She shuffled over to the counter, her heels seeming a little too much for a normal day, but still managing to totter about in them; it probably came with years of practice, Frank thought.  
Once the three of them were settled comfortably (or as comfortable as the situation would allow) they got talking.  
"How have you been?" Donna asked politely, smiling, her hands wrapped around a cup of a creamy coloured drink that smelt like vanilla.  
"I've been okay, yeah," Gerard nodded, managing a small smile, "Uh, if I seem a little off today, by the way, it's cause I had another hormone shot this morning. So, yeah."  
Donna's face fell a little, "A shot? I thought you hate needles?"  
Gerard laughed nervously, "Ah, yeah. I do. I didn't even look, I got Frank to do it."  
"Oh, alright," she nodded in understanding.  
"How about you, how have you been?"  
"I've been fairly good, we're still doing a lot of clearing out. We've found a lot of yours and Mikey's stuff that I didn't even realise we still had so... if you wanted, you could maybe... come round? Get some stuff? Not today, obviously, but... sometime."  
"Maybe, yeah," Gerard nodded, "So, why are you doing so much clearing out?"  
"Well, me and your father, we realised that now you and Mikey are gone, we've been left with a rather large empty nest and bad memories, so we're moving house."  
"Oh," Gerard raised his eyebrows, "where to?"  
"Just a few blocks east. We're not leaving the area or anything, just downsizing."  
"That'll be nice then." Gerard smiled courteously.  
"I hope so. I'm still not entirely sure what your father thinks of it all, especially now we're dragging all your childhood things from the attic."  
"It's hard to tell what he thinks of anything really." Gerard replied bitterly, sipping his cooled coffee and looking away from his mother.  
  
"So, uh" Donna cleared her throat, noting that Gerard wasn't interested in hearing about his father, "Last time we spoke, you said... you said a lot, and didn't explain all that much of it."  
"Like what?"  
Donna squirmed in her seat uncomfortably, "You said you'd been... attacked. And you'd lost a friend."  
Gerard blinked rapidly for a moment, his shoulders stiffening visibly at the mention of the delicate subjects. Frank sensed this before he saw it, already anticipating the first awkward moment, and very gently lay a hand on Gerard's knee beneath the table, for both reassurance and to get his attention.  
"Gee," Frank caught Gerard's scared expression, the hazel eyes that mirrored his mothers almost perfectly shining with tears, "Do you want me to explain it, or are you okay to? Or do you want to drop it?"  
"Can... can you, please? I'll say about Lindsey, but, not the... the attack."  
Frank rubbed his thumb soothingly over Gerard's denim clad knee and looked at Donna, despite his attention still being on his boyfriend.  
"It, um," he coughed, clearing his throat, "It was in January, we'd been out at a bar 'cause my band was playing that night. Gerard went... he went outside to smoke, but I stayed inside. While he, uh, while he was out there I'm guess these guys grabbed him?" He looked across to Gerard, who nodded solemnly.  
"Yeah, and they... roughed me up a bit." He sniffed, "Lots of shouting, too."  
Frank moved a little closer to Gerard, for comfort as he carried on explaining, "I went outside to look for him, and these two guys had taken him into a nearby alley. I only found them because of the yelling, but I'm glad I got there when I did because these two guys were, um..." he shifted uncomfortably, "Were already trying to take Gee's jeans off.  
"The men were violent, but drunk, so I got rid of the guys and got Gerard back to my place. He decided not to call the police, and I wasn't about to make him go through statements and court and stuff, so we left it at that."  
Frank became silent again as Gerard's hand found its way under the table and rested itself over Frank's, their fingers linking together and squeezing gently.  
Donna stayed silent too; whether she was expecting more or simply had no idea of what to say was irrelevant, as Gerard decided to speak up, his voice sounding a little tearful.  
  
"I regret not going to the police now. A month, a month and a bit after that happened, we were at the bar again, and we bumped into an old friend. I... I've mentioned her before."  
Gerard looked up from his coffee and finally made solid eye contact with his mother, mascara smudged and lining the wrinkles under her puffy, tear stained eyes.  
"Lindsey. Lindsey Ballato, she was my best friend back in highschool. I told you about her because she was transgender and she helped me to understand why I felt the way I did, but I only mentioned her a few times because you and Dad made your stance on the matter pretty clear from the offset." He glared a little at his mother across the table, making it clear how he felt, before he carried on, "But, yeah... Um, the same night I saw her, for the first time since leaving highschool, she was... she w-was attacked and l-left for dead. I-in the same alley. And _no one_ can tell me that was a coincidence, just like no one can tell me her dea... her _murder_ could have been prevented if I'd gone to the police sooner. I am helping now, but it's-"  
  
"Wait, what?" Frank stopped Gerard mid-sentence, "What do you mean, helping?"  
Gerard sighed and hung his head, "I spoke... to Lindsey's mom. We went to the police together, I gave a description o the guys that attacked me. If the same guys attacked Lindsey, the police will track them down. I don't... I don't care so much about the fact they attacked me," he looked up at Frank, brows furrowed, eyes brimming with tears and anger, "I care that they took her life, and I'll do what I can to give Lindsey the justice she deserves."  
Frank's face fell from one of confusion, to one of sympathy and worry as he wound his and Gerard's fingers together tightly, "Gee, baby, why didn't you say? When was this, I would have come with you?"  
"I took a day off work and went to the police," he sighed and shook his head, "I didn't say because I knew you'd get all protective, and I just wanted to do this by myself. Don't... don't take it personally. It was something I had to do alone."  
Frank thought for a moment, a little offended that Gerard hadn't spoken to him about such a huge thing, but resolved that he had no obligation to tell him something so delicate.  
"I..." he sighed, "Okay, but, can we please talk about this when we get home?"  
Gerard smiled softly, "Sure, sorry."  
Donna looked a little awkward to say the least. She was both upset and watery eyes, and a looking a little confused.  
"Sorry, about that." Gerard addressed to her, shrugging and looking away from her almost immediately.  
"No, no, it's okay... uh, I would say 'these things happen' but... well, they don't really."  
"No, I guess not."  
  
"So," Donna cleared her throat, wiping the small pools from her eyes and managing a smile, "How's everything else been?"  
Gerard was a little taken aback by the sudden subject change but went with it anyway, "It's been... good. Really good."  
"I can't remember you saying before, forgive me, how did you two meet?"  
Gerard smiled and blushed a little as Frank stroked a thumb over the back of his hand, "The first day I moved here, I met Frank in the supermarket. The day after I invited him over to my housewarming but he couldn't make it, so instead he invited me to see his band... It's like we were fated to be together from there, because we've been together since." He shrugged, still smiling, "He's been here for the important moments, and when I've needed him. And... I couldn't ask for anyone better to have in my life."  
Frank's heart felt fit to burst; no one had ever said anything so sweet to him before, and he knew that he felt the exact same way. Gerard was exactly the person he needed in his life. Before they'd met, looking back, Frank's life had been incredibly mundane. Gerard had cone into his life and thrown open the curtains, letting warm, bright, sparkling light into the dim room that had been his life.  
"Well," Donna smiled, seeming genuinely happy with her son's own joy, "I hope that, as me and Gerard get to know one another again, I can get to know you just as well, Frank."  
"That'd be really nice, Donna, thank you."  
"And, hey," Gerard added, "Mom, you don't have to get to know me again. I still like all the things I used to, I still have the same interests and memories. I'm still Gee, just... happier, more at peace with the way things are. And... I know it must be weird, having shared all those memories with someone you saw as your daughter, but I always experienced them as your son, on the inside, and I always shared those memories with my mom."  
Donna smiled and nodded, watery eyed and trying not to full-on cry in the middle of the coffee shop.  
"Okay... Okay, Gee." She ginned and hiccupped a little, but moved the conversation along anyway, "Let's not dwell on the past too much though, hm? It seems that that's what we're all trying to kinda leave behind anyway."  
  
Gerard nodded, "Yeah, I guess so. Urm," he coughed, and glanced at Frank, trying to silently communicate something that Frank wasn't understanding, "Speaking of leaving the past behind, me and Frank have been, er, thinking about the future a bit."  
"Oh?" Donna raised her eyebrows, clearly curious about the change of conversation.  
"Yeah, um.... i-it's nothing, like, immediate, or set in stone or anything like that, but I've been considering... putting some of my, er, eggs, into storage. So I can have my own children some day."  
"That- I, um... right." Was Donna's eventual reply, after a moment or two of surprise and hard blinking.  
Frank chimed in, "We're not planning a family right now, but it's something Gerard really wants. We've talked about it, a few times now, and I totally support it."  
Donna was somewhat stunned, mouth open, eyes flitting between looking at Frank and looking at Gerard, though lingering on the latter longer and finally coming to rest in his as she spoke.  
"That's... It's really a very smart thing to do, Gee, but how are you going to pay for it?"  
"I've looked at costs and stuff, and I already have some money saved up. I still need a few thousand more-"  
"I've picked up a couple of extra shifts at work," Frank said, "just to speed things along. And Gerard's selling his art, too. We're getting close to having enough for the first course of therapy, but..."  
"There's a time frame for these things," Gerard explained, "And it would involve me stopping my testosterone shots for a while."  
"Gee, honey, I... I might not understand all this perfectly," Donna lay a hand on the table top, reaching out towards Gerard, "But if you need anything, and I mean _anything_ , you can come to me."  
"I don't think we-"  
"Gerard, I have no idea how to apologise for all the years I ignored the hurting you were going through, but please let me help you now?"  
"I..." Gerard sat, shocked at the sincerity in his mother's voice, and looked at Frank, hoping for guidance. Frank too was surprised by how much Donna seemed to care, considering all the horror stories he'd heard about her over past few months, and had no guidance to offer Gerard aside from a small nod and smile.  
"That's, um... thank you. Really," he smiled, "Thank you so much. Just, knowing you're here for me is enough, to be honest."  
"Letting me back in your life is... It's more than I ever expected, really. A polite reconciliation would have been enough but," she sighed, choking back a sob and fanning her face in an attempt to stop the tears from falling, "It's been months since I've heard you call me 'Mom', and it means more to me than I can say. Please," Donna sniffed, pulling her handbag into her lap and rummaging around for a moment, "Let me start making it up to you now. Tell me," she produced her check book, "How much more do you need for all this... fertility treatment?"  
"Oh my- Mom, no!" Gerard exclaimed, letting go of Frank's hand and leaning across the table, "I... You don't have to do that, really."  
"I know I don't have to, but I want to. You want to move forwards and leave the past behind? I figure... this might help you heal, and transition?"  
"Well, yeah I guess it-"  
"Then let me do this?"  
"I..." Gerard didn't know what to say, looking back at Frank for guidance once again. Frank could only raise his eyebrows as high as they'd go, widen his eyes, and shrug. It was a very generous offer, and Donna seemed determined no matter what Gerard said.  
He sighed, "O-okay. Yes. Th-thank you."  
"Good," Donna smiled, eyes sparkling, "No, how much? Nothing is too big of an ask, gee, I promise."  
"Well, uh... I'll save money when I have to stop taking testosterone, but another.. another one thousand would cover the course of hormones, a-and the extraction of the eggs would be-"  
"Is five thousand going to be enough?"  
Gerard nearly choked on his own breath, eyes bugging slightly, "I.. yes! That'd be more than enough, that'd nearly cover the implantation costs too! Are... wait," he calmed down, "Are you sure about this?"  
"Absolutely," Donna said, as she wrote out a check, "Never been more sure of anything. Me and your father have a little surplus money from the sale of the house, and our savings." She looked up and smiled, and the same closed mouth smile that Mikey had, "I stunted your growth into the gorgeous young man you are now, I just hope that this will help you grow."

"Mom.... I-I don't know what to say," Gerard laughed, almost at a total loss for words.  
"You don't need to say anything, just know that I love you Gerard, my... My beautiful son."


	31. True Trans Soul Rebel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW dysphoria, explanation of medical procedures**

_  
'_ _You should've been a mother,  
You should've been a wife.  
You should've been gone from here years ago,  
You should be living a different life'_ __  
**\- True Trans Soul Rebel** **, Against Me!**   
  


* * *

  
  


When Frank came home from work, the last thing he expected to find in the livingroom was Gerard, shirtless, laying upside down on the couch, his legs resting against the wall and his head hung over the edge of the cushions. The way he was stretched out pulled the skin of his still healing scars, turning them from a sore looking red to an irritated pink.  
"Uh... hi?" Frank said questioningly, not sure of what else to say.  
"Oh, hey Frankie." Gerard smiled, which looked very odd to Frank from where he was stood.  
"You, uh... You alright?"  
"Yeah," Gerard replied, sounding very thoughtful, "Just a bit... meh.  
Frank slung his jacket over the arm of the couch and sat down next to his still upside-down boyfriend, "What's wrong?"  
Gerard shrugged, making it look like he'd just slipped slightly lower, accompanying the shrug with a mystified, "I don't know."  
Frank frowned, though it was really just screwing his face up in confusion. He was glad Gerard couldn't see him at that moment, but he was also a little weirded out by the fact that, with the way Gerard's head was tipped back, it looked to him as though he were talking to a headless body.  
"Could you... Can you sit up? I don't wanna be sat here talking to your nipples."  
"I thought you liked my nipples?"  
"I do, but... just.." Frank sighed and rubbed his eye."  
"Okay, okay," Gerard swung his legs around and sat upright, slumping back against the cushions and watched Frank, seemingly waiting for something.  
"What's up?"  
"What makes you think something's up?" Gerard replied plaintively  
"Because you're not the kind of person to hang around the house shirtless. The upside-down thing, sure. But not shirtless."  
Gerard just shrugged a shoulder and tilted his head by way of agreeing. Frank leaned back against the cushions too, looking to his right, at Gerard.  
"Come on, tell me what's wrong?"  
Gerard sighed and rolled his head back, "I'm just... I'm not feeling so good about myself today, is all. I've just been hanging around shirtless to just... feel better."  
Frank knew that whenever Gerard wasn't feeling good about himself, the chances were it was his dysphoria upsetting him again. He also knew that there weren't many things that could help him, other than talking about it.  
"You wanna talk about it, babyboy?" Frank turned his body towards Gerard little more and slung an arm over his bare stomach, leaning in and gently kissing his collarbone. Gerard sighed, laying his hand over Frank's forearm and stroking his thumb back and forth over the tattoos on his skin.

"I just... I'm worried. About this whole fertility treatment idea."  
"What's worrying you?" Frank tried to shift closer, the two of them resting their heads together.  
"I'll have to stop all my hormones. I'd probably end up feeling really sick and I'm scared because I don't... I don't want to have to go back."

He turned to Frank, a little teary eyed.  
  
"We looked over it, remember, it's like, 3 months at most."  
"That's 3 months too long!" Gerard sobbed, tears welling more and more in his eyes, breaking Frank's heart.  
"Baby, please don't cry... Look, we still haven't gone to see a doctor about it, and I'm sure there's more than one way of doing this if you really want to."  
"I don't want to take any steps back. I've come so... I've made it this far, I only want to go forwards."  
"Even if you have to stop, it's still progress. It's still moving forwards."

Gerard just sighed heavily and slumped down even further in his seat.  
Frank frowned, standing up from the couch and kneeling in front of Gerard, between his knees.  
"Gee, look at me?"  
He lifted his head, and Frank smiled sadly, leaning closer.  
"We can research this more, we can get a proper appointment with a doctor, and you can look at all the options you have. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."  
"What if I can't... What if they can't do anything?"  
"We'll figure that out when we get to it."

 

\---*---

 

"Uh," Gerard's voice shook as he nodded and replied, "Yeah. Yes I am."  
"And your file here says that you're currently undergoing gender reassignment treatments."  
"I-I am, yeah. There should be notes in there from my therapist and Dr Todd." He pointed towards the file briefly, but lowered his hand quickly to hide the shakes.  
Dr Nash smiled, the corners of her eyes creasing and making her dark brown eyes almost disappear, "Yes there are, don't worry. Now," she clasped her hands together atop the desk, "I understand that things must be quite difficult for you right now, so if you have any questions, or concerns, please don't hesitate to ask, alright?"  
"Yeah." Gerard nodded. 'Yeah' seemed to be all he was capable of at the moment, until he frowned and shook his head, "Uh, sorry. I'm... The main thing I'm worried about is the possibility of having my own children. I don't want to have to..." he waved his hands vaguely, "Carry them, myself. A-And I don't want to have to detransition."

Dr Nash nodded in understanding, "Okay. Well, I have to say, you're the first transgender man I've ever treated!" She smiled again, looking down at her notes and moving a few of the papers around, "So, how far into your transition are you, or, how long have you been transitioning?"  
"I've been having injections of testosterone for over a year now, and I had a mastectomy about two and a half months ago."  
"Okay," Dr nash reached for a pen and took a notepad out of the drawer in her desk, starting to make notes on the information Gerard told her.

She asked more questions, such as when his last period was, what kind of physical changes he'd experienced, and who he'd spoken to about his decision to save his eggs.  
"My therapist, Laura," Gerard explained, "Said that it was a big thing, and I know it is. But right now, I just want to know what options I have for the future."  
"Being informed is always a good idea," Dr Nash agreed, "And especially when you're transitioning, there's a timeframe for these things sometimes. Is there anything that you've already looked into yet?"  
"Not _really_ , but I know of cryogenically freezing eggs, and surrogacy. I know that there's always going to be adoption and stuff but, I-I would really like to know if I can have a child who's genetically my own."

"Of course. For some people, children aren't just a, um..." she paused, thinking how best to phrase it, "They're not just a _thought_ , something that _might_ happen, but you don't really know. Others, like yourself, can only see a future as a parent. It's not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean that you lack ambition in life. For many, it's a natural instinct to reproduce, whether you're male, female, or otherwise. In your situation, you do have a few options.  
"There's extracting eggs, and freezing them for reimplantation at a later date. There's also extracting them, fertilising them, and then freezing the embryos for the same purpose. In your case though," her face became serious, "This would mean you would have to stop taking testosterone for about three months, before taking the course of medication to trigger the release of eggs, which can then be extracted."  
"I really don't want to do that." Gerard said bluntly, "As far as I'm concerned, that isn't something that i'm willing to do."

"I can completely understand that, so don't worry."  
"Isn't there something that can be done without, like... going backwards?" He laughed nervously, and Dr Nash smiled. She seemed very sympathetic towards Gerard, and it put Frank a little more at ease about how the situation would be treated.  
"There is one technique, which I have recommended to patients before, which you maybe possibly be eligible for, and which would probably work best for you."

Frank smiled, feeling Gerard's mood suddenly shift. He looked to his left, and saw Gerard was smiling too, but with an expectant look in his eye and he leaned forwards in his seat a little.  
"If it means I can keep taking testosterone, then I'm willing to try."  
Dr Nash nodded and started to explain, tying on her computer as she did so.  
"This is something that's normally offered to women who are undergoing treatments such as chemotherapy to give them the option of having their own children in the future," she turned the screen towards the two men, which showed a diagram of the uterus and bisection of an ovary, "What would happen is, using keyhole surgery, we would go in and take one of your ovaries, or a section of one of them, and freeze the actual ovarian tissue itself." She pointed towards the ovary bisection diagram, "When you were born, you already had every egg cell that you would ever have, and those are stored here, in the lining. Once you decide you want to have children, we can thaw the tissue, and these layers of tissue would be cut open, the eggs themselves removed, fertilised, and placed into a healthy uterus."

"I... Wow. I hadn't... I didn't even think of anything like that being possible."  
"Well, it is. But like I said, it's normally only offered to cancer patients, mostly on the basis that the tissue and the actual ovaries themselves can be replanted. The removal is only to prevent the eggs from being affected by the chemotherapy, causing infertility."  
Gerard looked to Frank, who had remained almost completely silent the whole time they'd been there.  
"Frank, what do you think?"  
"Gee, it's up to you."  
"I know, but right now, I'm asking for your opinion."  
Frank knew that the process Dr Nash had just explained would be the best bet Gerard had, but for some reason he stammered. But the fact that Gerard was asking for his opinion on something so important, that would affect his life so much, left him a little breathless.  
"I, uh... Well, if that's... that's something available," he looked to Dr Nash, who tipped her head in a single nod, "Then I really think that's something to seriously consider."  
"You really think so?" Gerard took a breath, wide eyed and seeking reassurance.  
Frank nodded and smiled, "I do. It sounds like the best thing that you can do."

Gerard slowly smiled, softly and timidly, before he looked back to the doctor.  
"So... That's keyhole surgery?"  
"Yes it is," Dr Nash nodded again, "But... Now, this is just a suggestion, as I don't know how far you plan to go medically with your transition, but..." she put her hands together, looking, again, very serious, "The ovarian tissue could be taken as part of a hysterectomy operation. If you've been at all planning on a hysterectomy, we can perform that, and at the same time take an ovary. It would save a lot of money on medical bills, a lot of recovery time, and would, essentially speed up your transition."

"That... That would be perfect. Oh my gosh, that's possible."  
"Absolutely! Do you think that's what you'd want to do, then?"  
Gerard grinned, looking from the doctor to Frank and back again, "I- Yeah! Yes, that sounds great."  
"Well alright then! I'll send all the information you'll need to the printer so you can take that home and look it over. I'll pass on my notes from today to Dr Todd, and hopefully we can get this all underway as soon as possible. Does that sound good to you?"  
"That's more than good, thank you so much."

 

\---*---  
  
  
As soon as they were outside of the clinic, Gerard threw his arms around Frank's neck, hugging him tightly. Frank laughed a little and hugged him back, holding him around the waist just as tightly as Gerard was holding him.  
"What's this for?" Frank asked, smiling against Gerard's shoulder.  
"I just... I'm so happy."  
Frank realised instantly that Gerard was actually crying a little. He pulled back from the embrace, and took Gerards face in his hands, looking him in the eyes.  
"Gee, baby, why are you crying?"  
He sniffed and tried to blink away a few tears, but only made them fall faster, and smiled, "I'm just really... Overwhelmed. This is so huge, and I don't... I don't know what else to do, but apparently," he laughed, "Crying is a good idea right now."  
Frank shook his head and smiled, pulled Gerard into his arms again, "Oh, Gee. You're so silly sometimes."  
"I'm sorry."  
"You don't need to be sorry, baby, you really don't."  
"Thank you," Gerard leaned back from Frank's shoulder, "Thank you for coming with me, and being with me, and just... everything. I love you so much."  
"I love you too," Frank leaned his forehead against Gerard's, and gently kissed him, holding his cheek with one hand, the other holding his waist.  
"Come on, shall we go home?" Gerard tossed his hair back and wiped the tears from his cheeks  
"Alright," Frank wound his hand around Gerard's, entwining their fingers as they headed down the street, back to his car, "So you're feeling good, then?"  
"I am," he squeezed Frank's hand, "I'm feeling really good. In fact," Gerard looked across as Frank, smirking, a twinkle in his eye, "How about, when we get back, I show you just how great I'm feeling?"  
Gerard's sudden boldness surprised Frank, and he must have looked surprised as Gerard quirked an eyebrow at him.  
"Well," Frank breathed, "Who would I be to say no to a boy as pretty as you?"  
  
  
  



	32. Earth To Bella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Blood**

_"I bear the burden_  
Of being the voice that lets you know  
We all grow old,  
And before you swim you gotta be okay to sink"  
 **\- Earth to Bella Pt. 1, Incubus** **  
  
**

__****  
  
Frank stirred gently, taking a moment, eyes still closed, to remember the previous night. He smiled, and tried to roll over, but found that he was stuck laying on his front, as his left arm was partly trapped beneath a still-sleeping Gerard.  
Frank raised his head, checking the time and noting that he had about two hours until he needed to be at work. Then he remembered that it was Gerard's day off and, as much as it pained him to, Frank would have to wake Gerard up to get out of bed.  
Frank tried to roll over onto his right side as gently as he could, pulling his arm out of Gerard's grip as he did so. He smiled as Gerard scrunched up his face as he woke up a little, opening one eye and sighing deeply.  
"Good morning, beautiful," Frank smiled, Gerard pulling the duvet closer around himself.  
"No," Gerard whined, "Let me sleep."  
"Okay, baby. You might have a day off, but I have work so I'm not gonna be around when you get out of bed."

Gerard simply offered a groan of complaint in reply and rolled over. With that, Frank sat up and threw back the covers, somewhat reluctantly, and got out of bed.  
Admittedly, he wished he could stay in bed with Gerard all day. They had spent whole days in bed before, and there was really nothing that Frank loved more than lazy days with a dozy Gerard. He was the sweetest thing when he was tired and just the thought made Frank smile.  
An hour and a half later, Frank was just throwing the last of his things into his bag, keys in hand and ready to leave, when Gerard wandered into the livingroom. He was wearing the duvet from their bed like a cloak, thrown over his head and gathered around him tightly leaving him to shuffle slowly across the carpet.  
"I don't want you to go."  
Frank looked up and couldn't help but smile at how adorable gerard looked.  
"Gee, babe," Frank walked over to the duvet bundle that was his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him, "If I could stay, I would. There's nothing I want more, really, but I gotta work."  
"I know... I'll be missing you though." Gerard pouted, and Frank laughed.  
"You're such a baby sometimes," he kissed Gerard's cheek and stepped back, "I'll be back later, and I promise we can cuddle and watch a film or something. Whatever you want."  
"Okay... Love you."  
"I love you too, see you later."  
"Stay safe."

\---*---  
  
  
  
Frank's day had gone very fast, and then very suddenly very slow. He'd finished everything he'd needed to do, and even his manager had looked for other stuff that he could have done.  
Eventually, he found himself slowly making him way through the whole shop and straightening up the shelves. He knew it was a pointless task because the shop wouldn't shut for hours yet and the shelves would only need fronting up again then anyway. Frank was only looking for things to occupy his time; his manager had said he could leave early if he wanted, but Frank needed the money.  
Frank was struggling to reach the back of one of the shelves and, accepting defeat, had decided that his only hope was finding some kind of footstool. After walking off in search of a ladder of some kind, his search was interrupted when a small, scarf ladened figure approached him and cleared her throat.  
"Maya! I haven't seen you for a while."  
Maya smiled, her eyes bright and water, "I know, my dear, I know. I haven't been in the best of health."  
"Oh," Frank frowned, "Are you okay now?"  
"Not completely," she leaned closer and lowered her voice, "I should really still be resting, but this couldn't wait."  
Frank frowned again, putting his hands on his hips as he looked at the tiny Romani lady in front of him, "Maya, at your age you need all the rest you can get if you've been ill."  
"Frank! My age is irrelevant, I just said that why i am here could not wait."  
"Why are you here? Do you need any help with your shopping?"  
"No, no, I'm here to see you."  
"Oh? What do you require of me, Ms Maya?"  
Maya smiled at Frank's sudden courteous behaviour, but shook her head, "I don't need any help, my dear. I have a message for you."  
  
Frank knew that this meant Maya had been talking to the spirits again. He used to always be so skeptical of everything she'd told him, or brushed off any coincidences as just that; coincidences. Sometimes what Maya told Frank was vague enough to apply to some situations in his life, but the messages from 'the spirits' since he'd been with Gerard had been so specific that he'd been hoping to hear something from Maya soon.  
"Is it a message from the spirits?"  
"Of course, my dear, of course! Though I wish I had more time to talk to you without any immediate purpose." She shuffled closer and leaned her face closer to Frank's, "The spirits want you to know that winter can only last so long, and spring will be so bright and blossoming you will know that you've never truly seen spring grace this world."  
Despite the sincerity with which Maya spoke, Frank was confused; or rather, he thought that Maya and her spirits were confused.  
"Maya, honey, it's June. Winter isn't coming any time soon. Are... Are you sure the spirits know what they're talking about?" He quirked and eyebrow, which only prompted a shrug from the elderly woman.  
"I cannot be a hundred percent sure of how true what they say is, I only do what they ask, and they asked that I tell you those exact words."  
  
In Frank's mind, the message from Maya's 'spirits' made so sense to him, but before he could question her any further, Maya doubled over in a coughing fit. She very nearly lost her balance, stumbling slightly and falling against Frank, before finding her feet once more. Needless to say it caught Frank off-guard, leaving him holding Maya's shoulds with concern, worrying that she might lose her balance again as her violent coughing continued.  
"Jesus... Maya, are you okay?" there was no hiding the worry in Frank's voice, and he was usually an outwardly calm person. Maya's coughing stopped and she waved a hand to hush him like she always did, and replied, "I'm fine. I'm quite alright, Frank, I'm sorry."  
She lifted her head and Frank had to try not to yelp as he saw that Maya's aged face and hand, and the cuff of her cardigan, were flecked with blood. Crimson speckles were smeared from her lips and down her chin, and her reassuring smile faded very fast as she caught Frank's look of horror.  
"What is it, Frank, I..." she looked from Frank to her hand, and what little colour was left in her cheeks drained with a soft, "Oh dear."  
She swayed on the spot again, but this time Frank was ready to catch her small, fragile frame as her legs completely gave up and he was left to lower her to a seated position on the floor.  
"Help! Someone, we need some help over- Leo!" Frank spotted one of his coworkers at the end of the isle and quickly ushered him over, "Leo, she's just coughed up blood, get some help, call a fucking ambulance or something!"  
Leo stood and took in the scene for a moment, stammered something, nodded, and disappeared again.

"Frank," Maya started, as Frank knelt down on the floor beside her, holding her shoulders once again in case she fell sideways, "I'm so sorry about this."  
"No, Maya, no, you've nothing to be sorry for, just." he threw a quick look over her face and the bloodstains, "Are you okay? Can you breathe alright, does it hurt anywhere?"  
"It... it hurts a little to breathe, but I just feel a little lightheaded otherwise..." she looked up at Frank, still managing a smile, "This is a little inconvenient, isn't it?"  
"Maya, you're never an inconvenience," Frank managed a smile despite his shaking hands, "Every moment in your company is a pleasure, no matter how... bloody."  
Maya laughed, but this only made her cough again, leaving her cardigan sleeve and the shop floor spattered with a little more blood.  
"Oh, Maya..." Frank sighed, holding the woman, who'd become an eccentric but good friend to him, close to his side as Leo came back with a bundle of tissue and the manager, who was already on the phone to the emergency services.

He stayed by her side until the ambulance crew took her away, and his manger agreed he could leave early without having to worry about anything being docked from his wages.  
  
  
  
\---*---  
  
  
  
When Frank finally made it home (the journey seemed longer and he felt like his day had been longer too) he forgot that Gerard would be waiting, and probably in a good mood.  
Sure enough, as soon as he opened the door to the apartment, the smell in cinnamon cookies met Frank's nostrils before anything else met any of his other senses. Any other day he'd go find Gerard in the kitchen, hug him from behind and kiss the his neck and tell him he'd missed him.  
Right now, Frank wanted to cry a bit. He wanted to, but felt that he couldn't. He just felt overwhelmingly sad.  
He only realised he hadn't moved from shutting the front door behind him when Gerard came out of the kitchen and called his name, as though asking a question.  
  
"Frank, what's wrong?"  
"I, uh..." Frank blinked a few times and looked up at Gerard, his pretty face knotted with worry. He sniffed and shrugged, "I've had a really shit afternoon."  
"What happened?" Gerard took Frank in his arms and hugged him, even though Frank only halfheartedly hugged back, and took a step back to watch his face as he replied.  
"The woman... I've, uh mentioned her before. Maya, the funny old lady who can talk to spirits. She... She came in today, to tell me something, and..." He shook his head, fighting against the urge to cry now as he felt his bottom lip quivering. he took a deep breath and carried on, watching his feet though as he said, "She was coughing up blood. I-I sat with her til the ambulance crew took her, They said I couldn't go with her though. Maya said she didn't mind."

"Shit... Frankie, that's... Are you okay?" Gerard's eyes swam with concern, and Frank could only shake his head.  
"Not really, no." he sniffled, leaning into Gerard's arms and letting the sadness overtake him, his eyes filling with tears that he left to fall silently.

Frank hadn't really needed anyone to be there for him for a while, he'd always been the shoulder to cry on. But now that he needed someone to care and hold him in that moment, he was glad that of everyone on the planet, Gerard was the one soothing him as they soon in the dimly lit hallways of their apartment.  


	33. Golden Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW Death mention**

_"Oh don't you wonder when the light begins to fade?_  
_And the clock just makes the colors turn to grey_  
 _Forever young or growing older just the same_  
 _All the memories that we make will never change "_  
**\- Golden Days, Panic! At The Disco**  


* * *

 

  
It was two days until Frank heard anything from Maya. Two days of worrying about the impossibly elderly, frail woman; two days of listening to the steadily exaggerated rumours about what had happened – from the truth, to people whispering that a woman had died in the store; two days of Frank making sure his phone was charged and within reach at all times in case, miraculously, somehow, someone called him with news about Maya.  
On the third day after the incident, a Sunday, Frank was working his short afternoon shift, actively avoiding the isle in which Maya had collapsed. He knew it was perhaps a bit of a silly thing to be doing; he was a grown man, this kind of thing shouldn't affect him so terribly.  
  
Around fifteen minutes before he was due to clock off for the day, an announcement rang out over the tannoy system.  
  
_"Frank to the Customer Service desk, please. That's, Frank to the Customer Service desk. Thank you."_  
  
This completely knocked Frank out of his systematic restocking of soup cans, and, hoping it wasn't someone complaining about him, he made his way to the desk near the front of the store.  
Waiting for him there was his co-worker, Ruth. The first thing he noticed was that she was holding the phone from the desk to her chest, covering the receiver.  
  
"What's up?"  
"There's a man on the phone who wanted to talk to you," she explained, "About Maya."  
"Oh," was all that Frank could say, before holding out his hand for Ruth to pass him the phone. In the two seconds between Ruth telling him what the call was about and actually putting the phone to his ear, his mind raced through all the possibilities of what might have happened, and assumed the worst.  
"Hello, this is Frank speaking." Somehow his voice was completely steady and clear, despite the way his hands shook and the sudden dryness in his mouth that was threatening to stick his lips to his teeth.  
"Hi, Frank. Uh, you know my Grandmother, Maya?"  
"Yes I do," Frank answered, frowning to himself, "Sorry, may I ask who I'm speaking to?"  
"Oh, yeah, sorry. My name's Ray, my grandmother Maya said that you'd want to know what was happening? I'm not sure how she knew you or anything, but this was the only number she had for you so sorry if you're busy."  
"No no, it's fine. Thank you for calling me."  
"Well it's what she wanted."  
And with that sentence, Frank's stomach dropped and his hands went cold.  
"She, uh... Sorry," Ray said, sounding hesitant, "I don't really know what to say other than after her... After the other day, when she had to go into hospital, she unfortunately... She passed away yesterday."  
  
Frank had no words. He didn't even attempt to stammer out anything, no apologies or condolences, nothing. He felt like he was intruding on this poor man's life. His grandmother had just died, and here he was on the phone to a total stranger, relaying the information to someone whose importance to his grandmother was pretty much unknown.  
  
"I don't know how close you two were," Ray carried on after a few moments of silence, "But she's written you a letter, too. She wrote a letter for all her grandchildren, and you as well, so you must have been important to her."  
"I... uh... Yeah, I guess I was." frank managed, his voice close to breaking, "She was.... She was a good friend."  
"She also asked that you'd come to her funeral. I guess she knew that this was it, but we haven't sorted a date yet. It'll be within the next two weeks, so I really hope you can come, for Maya's sake."  
"Yeah, yes, of course. I'll be there." Frank nodded vigorously, even though the man on the other end of the phone wasn't there to see, "Can I give you my mobile number so you can let me know?"  
"Yeah, of course," Ray replied, pausing to find a notepad and taking down Frank's number as he dictated it over the phone.  


"I am so, so sorry for your loss," Frank finally managed, " I know what it's like to lose a grandparent, I hope you and the rest of your family are doing okay."  
"Thanks. It's..." Ray sighed, "It's a strange time for all of us, Maya was kinda estranged from the rest of us, when we heard the news that she was in hospital, no one really knew what to expect when we saw her."  
"I was with her when she collapsed. It was, uh," Frank sniffed, trying to keep his composure, "It happened in the store, I was with her the whole time. I wanted to go with her to the hospital but she insisted she was fine. I... I kinda wish I had now."  
"Well, you're obviously more than welcome to come and say goodbye to her properly with the rest of us."  
"Thank you. Thank you so much, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss."  
"Thank you. So, I'll let you get back to work-"  
"Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry-"  
"No no, it's okay, I'm sorry for keeping you-"  
"It's fine, really, I've only got about five minutes of my shift left anyway."  
"Okay, I'll let you get back to whatever you're doing anyway, and I'll let you know the details of her funeral as soon as I know them."  
"Thank you, and, again, I'm sorry for your loss."  
  


\---*---

  
  
Frank was drained, physically and emotionally. Gerard was working later than Frank, so he had a few hours alone in the apartment. He'd tried to be productive and wash up the dishes from breakfast. He tried to take his mind off things and find something on to watch on TV, but everything was just background noise to his thoughts about Maya. Eventually, Frank went and lay down in bed.  
  
He couldn't be sure about whether he'd slept or not, but Frank felt distinctly groggy and even more tired than before when he eventually heard Gerard come home.  
  
"Frankie, I'm back!"  
Frank sat up, getting a bit of a headrush and scratching his head.  
"In here," he called back, watching as Gerard's smiling face appeared in the doorway.  
"Hi, sleepy! What're you doing in here?" Gerard came and sat beside Frank on the bed, wrapping his arms around Frank's middle and resting his chin on his boyfriend's shoulder.  
"I've just had an awful day. A really... really awful day."  
"Oh?" Gerard frowned, sitting back a little, "What happened?"  
"I got a call at work, from Maya's grandson. She, uh," he scratched his head, looking at the holes in the knees of his jeans, "She passed away the other day."  
Frank felt Gerard freeze for a second, before he was pulled into a soft hug, Gerard cooing softly to him.  
"Oh, Frankie, I'm so so sorry..."  
"No, it... It's okay. We've been invited to her funeral. She knew she was... dying, and she wrote all her grandchildren a letter, and me." He looked at Gerard, who was watching him with big round eyes full of worry, "She's written me a letter. I have no idea what to expect from the letter, so... I guess I'll find out at the funeral."  
"When is it?"  
"I don't know, it's not been sorted out yet. Her grandson is gonna let me know when it's all finalised though."  
"Do you... want me there? Am I allowed to come with you?"  
Frank leaned into Gerard, feeling the older man's hands tighten around him and hold him closer, "I don't know if you can come with me, but I want you there, and I think Maya would too."  
"Okay, babe."  
  
There was a pause for a few moment, before Gerard spoke again.  
"I wish I could have met her."  
Frank huffed a small laugh, "I wish you could have met her too. She was really something else. I think you two would have really gotten along. She was a very spiritual person, would could have had a séance together."  
"That would have been cool. Seance with a mad old lady, life doesn't get much better than that."  
"Maya wasn't mad," Frank smiled sadly, "She was just... eccentric."  
"Like how? What was so eccentric about her?"  
Frank looked across at Gerard, seeing the sparkle of intrigue in his eyes, and began telling tale of Maya and her spirits, her fortunes and scarves, the way she always seemed to know something that no one else did.  
Frank spent the rest of the evening laying on the bed with Gerard, recounting tales of Maya and her eccentricity, and found himself truly smiling.

Why, he thought to himself, had he tried to get Maya off his mind, when she was the most fascinating and joyful person he'd ever known? Even now, after she'd joined those spirits of hers, she was brightening Frank's day, and he knew she wouldn't want him to be sad, and so he wasn't. **  
**


	34. Things Change, Friends Leave and Life Doesn't Stop For Anyone

_"_ _Remember when you said, all you wanted was to be where we are today_  
I remember when you said that you'd be in this with us 'til the very end.  
My dear old friend" __  
**\- Things Change, Friends Leave And Life Doesn't Stop For Anybody, Deaf Havana  
**

 

* * *

  
  


Frank looked down at the little booklet that he'd taken from the table at the church entrance.  
  
 __  
In Memorium  


_Maya Florica Flint  
  
_ __  
Gerard gave Frank's arm and gentle squeeze, making him look back up and and, seeing Gerard worried face, smile softly.  
  
"I'll be fine, don't worry. She wouldn't want us to be sad anyway."

Of course, he was. It was the day of Maya's funeral and, although he was putting on a brave face, Frank was naturally sad about the whole day.  
  
Earlier in the week Ray had texted Frank, asking for his address so that he could deliver the official invite to Maya's funeral. The ceremony was to be held at St Mary's Church in Rutherford, just one town over, and the dress code was listed as smart-casual and nothing black. Her family had decided that Maya wouldn't want her funeral to be such a sombre occasion, so guests were to wear colour by way of celebrating her life.

Frank and Gerard had both found this a little difficult, as most of their wardrobes were black, but they had eventually found outfits to wear; Frank was wearing a grey shirt with dark blue, straight legged jeans, and a navy coloured cardigan; Gerard had had a little more trouble finding something to wear, and ended up wearing black jeans with a red t-shirt and one of Frank's white flannel shirts.  
  
Walking into the main hall where the service was being held, Frank's eyes were met with a sea of colour.

Anyone could mistake the gathering as that of a wedding, not a funeral, as the various colours of flowers displayed gave the room a huge sense of life and happiness, and not one piece of black clothing could be seen. The only neutral colours were from the wood of the pews and people's hair. Everyone was still standing, mingling and chatting with each other before the ceremony actually started.  
  


Frank caught Gerard looking around the room in even more wonder than he himself was.

"Is... Is this really a funeral?"

"Yep, we're in the right place," Frank smiled a little, "What else could you expect for Maya?"

Suddenly, Frank's eyes were drawn to a person making their way towards him and Gerard. It took a moment to place the face to a name, but as soon as he had Frank's heart leapt with surprise.  
  
"Ray Toro?"

"Oh my god, Frank! If I had known it was you, I'd have delivered the invite by hand!"

To Frank, Ray had barely changed a day since he left high school. He was taller and more broadly built than he had been eight years ago, and his hair was far wilder, but other than that he was the exact same person.

"What the- I haven't seen you in years!"

"I know," Ray smiled, grabbing Frank's hand and pulling him into a hug, which was a little awkward because of the height difference, "Shame we had to meet in this circumstance, though."

"I know, I'm sorry for your loss." Frank tried to look a little more sombre and apologetic, as it was a funeral, no matter how happy he was to see his old friend again.  
Ray smiled and bowed his head slightly, "Thank you, it was a bit of a shock for everyone really. Maya was such a recluse only my dad's relative really knew what she'd been up to the past few years."

"I had no idea she was your grandmother, I would have said something on the phone otherwise."

"No, no, it's okay. She was actually my dad's step-mom, but we grew up knowing her as Grandma."

"I'm still so sorry."  
  
Frank felt Gerard shift awkwardly at his side, prompting Frank to take his hand again and introduce him to Ray.

"Oh, Ray, this is my boyfriend, Gerard. "

"Hi, nice to meet you," Ray held out a hand to Gerard, which he gladly shook.

"Nice to meet you too, I'm... I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Ray nodded his head and smiled, before letting go of Gerard's hand and stepping back again, "Well, if you guys want to come and sit down, I think we're going be starting in a few minutes. We can catch up properly afterwards, Frank"

"Yeah, of course," Frank smiled, and he and Gerard allowed themselves to be lead inside the room and took their seats on one of the pews.  
  
The ceremony was lovely, with only a few tears shed as Maya's family retold their favourite memories of her, including Ray's father talking about how wonderful she'd been as a step-mother, never trying to replace his real mom but still cared just as much, how great she'd been with his own children, and how she'd still made an effort after she and his father had separated.

Everyone had a story to tell about her, and there was even some laughter from some of the stories told. As her coffin was carried outside, there were far more people smiling than there were people just crying. Everyone carried flowers of some sort, Maya's closest family carried roses in more colours than Frank knew there were, and as the priest committed Maya's body to the ground the roses were thrown on top of her coffin as it lay in the grave, followed by the flowers from the rest of the congregation, until the wood of the casket was almost invisible underneath the the rainbow of petals.  
  


As the soil was replaced, the congregation dispersed and started heading towards the car park, some chatting, some crying and sniffling.  
Before Gerard and Frank could really make a move due t the number of people who were moving around them, Ray managed to dodge around people and get to them.  
  
"Hey, you're both coming to the wake, right?"  
"Yeah, yeah of course," Frank nodded, "We don't actually know where we're going, though."

"That's okay, come on," Ray smiled and started walking, "We're just going to the church hall 'round the corner but they have a nice function room, they've dressed it up really nice for today."  
"Hey, Ray?"

"Yeah?"

Ray stopped and let Frank and Gerard catch up to his side before Frank asked his question.

"Why's Maya being buried here? Why not in Lyndhurst?"

"This is where most of my family live. It made sense to them to have her buried in the same town that they live in."

"Yeah, I guess that does make sense."  
  
They neared the cemetery gates, Gerard holding Frank's hand and walking at his side, while Ray was a few paces in front.  
"So," Ray started again, "Gerard, how did you meet Frank?"

Frank felt Gerard tense slightly at the mention of his name, but he was fine a second after.

"Oh, I actually met him in the store he works in a few months ago. Well, I say a _few_ ," Gerard laughed, "It was about... Uh, nearly eight months ago."  
"Aw, that's cool."

"How about you, Ray?" Frank prompted, "You got anyone special in your life?"

"I do actually," Ray chirped, "Do you remember Christa? She was on the cheerleading squad at school? Well we went to the same college and she turned out to be pretty cool, we've together 8 years since April."

"That's amazing, congrats to the both of you."

"Thanks. She would be here today but... Well, it's a funeral. They're not really for everyone."

"Totally understandable." Frank nodded, gently squeezing Gerard's hand.  
  
He knew Gerard had been a little apprehensive about coming with him today, seeing as the last time he'd been at a funeral it had been Lindsey's.

Though Gerard was there as Frank's moral support, Frank was also supporting Gerard.  
  
"Well, so far this hasn't been like anything I've seen before," Frank smiled at Ray, "Maya would love it.  
  
When they got inside the church hall (which was indeed just around the corner) Frank saw it was decorated in a similar fashion to the church.

Bright flowers decorated the tables that had been put out for people to sit at; on one side of the room there was a table of food, along with a smaller table of drinks; at the far end of the hall was a large board, mounted with a smiling photograph of Maya, framed by yet more flowers.

 

Frank, Gerard and Ray found themselves a table almost immediately, Ray telling the other two to sit down and that he'd get them drinks. He disappeared before Gerard could ask for something non-alcoholic, meaning that when Ray brought back three bottles of beer, Gerard was left looking a little lost until Frank spoke up.

 

"Uh, Ray? Sorry, Gerard doesn't drink..."

"Oh, shit," Ray stammered a little, picking up the bottle he'd put in front of Gerard again and standing back up from his seat, "I-I'm sorry, I should have asked-"

"No, no," Gerard smiled shyly, "It's okay."

"It's not. Come on, what do you want?" Ray gestured over his shoulder towards the drinks table, managing a friendly smile, which Gerard timidly returned.

"Uh, just Coke is okay, thanks."

"One Coke, coming right up."  
  
As Ray walked over to replace the bottle of beer with a can of coke, Frank heard Gerard sigh.

"You okay?"

"I... yeah," Gerard shut his eyes and nodded, "Yeah I'm fine. Just.... New people, you know? Makes me a bit nervous, especially Ray."

"Why especially Ray?" Frank lay his hand over Gerard's on the table top, making the older man laugh nervously.  
"'Cause he's your friend. I know it's stupid, I feel like I've got expectations to fill or something."

"Gee, don't worry. Ray doesn't judge, at all. He was one of the first people I came out to, he's a good guy. And anyway, you make me happy. Who can argue with that?"  
Gerard blushed, and quickly found himself trying to hide his slight fluster as Ray came back over and placed the can of coke on the table in front of him.  
  
"Here you go, sorry about before." Ray smiled and took his seat again on the other side of Frank, "I just, like, wanna keep out of the way of people."

"Thanks. Why do you wanna keep out of people's way?"

"Well, Maya was a great woman, but people keep coming up to me, offering their condolences, and I really have no idea what to do," He laughed and wrapped his hands around his beer bottle, "It's not like I don't care, but I don't want to have to, like, _redirect_ people towards my dad, you know?"

"That's alright, Ray," Frank rested a hand on Ray's shoulder, "It's an emotional day, you don't have to deal with everyone and everything."

"Thanks," He smiled, shaking his head a little, "Come on, let's change the subject. How've you been, what's life had to offer you?"  
  
"Uh, well," Frank leaned back in his seat, raising his eyebrows as he thought about how his life had been since he and Ray had last properly spoken, "Not much really. I finished school, didn't go to college, had jobs here and there and for the past couple of years I've been working at a supermarket, which is where I met Maya, and where I met Gee." Frank smiled across at Gerard, making him blush softly again.  
"You never carried on with music?" Ray asked, frowning a little as he leaned forwards on the table.

"Oh, god, of course I did! I just... Never really got anywhere with it. I have a band but we only play locally," Frank shrugged, "How about you? Do you still play guitar?"

"Yeah, but just as a hobby now," Ray grinned and nodded, "I actually work at a small time record label now!"

"No way, that's amazing! You've done well for yourself, Toro!"

"Thanks! Well," he smiled and shrugged, "I wish I actually had a band, but working at the studios is a great experience."

"So what exactly do you do? Like, for the studio?" Gerard asked, sounding genuinely interested.

"Oh, I'm in charge of booking bands. For, like, studio space, recording sessions, sometimes even tours."

"That's awesome!"

"Well, hey, if you ever want to come record demos or anything, it's pretty cheap to hire a studio suite for a few hours."

"You've gotta hook a guy up!" Frank laughed, "We've been _dying_ to record some stuff!"

 

A woman at the table next to them suddenly gave Frank a very harsh look, before Frank remembered that this was a funeral congregation.  
  


"Oh, uh... Maybe 'dying' isn't the best word to use."

"It's okay dude, don't worry," Ray nudged him and smiled, "I get what you mean. And yeah, well," he leaned back and half shrugged, "I'd kinda hope we'd keep in touch from now on anyway, and if you have a band, and I have access to a recording studio, it just makes sense that I'd try and get you some time in there."

Frank laughed, laying a hand on Ray's arm, and saying in almost mock sincerity, "You know you were always my best friend, right?"

Ray threw his head back and laughed once, loudly, and replied, "Okay, okay, I said I could get you some studio time, you lil' punk. But we should definitely go out for drinks some time."

"Oh yeah, absolutely." Frank nodded, suppressing the urge to call Ray out on commenting on his height. It was too much like how they used to be in their teenage years for him to be even the slightest bit mad, it was just instinct to want to make a quip back at him.  
  


"So how about you, Gerard?" Ray asked sincerely, "What kind of stuff are you into?"

Gerard was caught a little off-guard, but responded none the less, "Oh, umm... Well, I like art, I like music... I _used_ to play the guitar but I haven't in years- I used to sing, too, but... Again, I haven't in a while."

"Aw, why not? I'd have thought being around Frank would have been enough to try and show him how to _actually_ play guitar," Ray grinned and winked at Frank, who shoved him in return.

"Hey, I play guitar like no one's business. You try doing a backwards roll while keeping a tune, Mr. Stand-Still-And-Headbang."

"Ha, well," Gerard rolled his head to one side, "I do wanna pick it up again, but being okay with your voice is kinda out of the question when you sound like a girl."

Ray chuckled, "I know how you feel. I hate my voice, I sound like a girl. I am, in fact, a male."  
  


Frank wasn't quite sure what was going to happen next, and could not have anticipated what Gerard said next.  
  
"No, I mean, I literally used to be a girl. I haven't sounded like this my entire adult life, believe me."

Ray kind of froze mid-laugh. He then raised his eyebrows and leaned back again. Frank was speechless, too; he had not expected Gerard to bring up anything from his past today, especially not to a near-stranger. Gerard, however, seemed fine. He'd said everything very matter-of-factly and was now taking a sip from his can of Coke, calm as anything.  
  


"Oh," was all Ray managed, eventually, before regaining any kind of composure, "Well, I mean, surely that's even more of a reason to start singing again? See if you can hit those low notes?"

Gerard tilted his head again, considering Ray's point, "I guess so. I mean, I used to sound like a pre-pubescent Joan Jett, so God knows how I sound now."

"Uh, yeah..." Ray clearly didn't know what to do with the conversation from there, and Frank felt a little sorry for him; Ray had always been such a polite person that any conversational flailing was just him worrying he'd say something accidentally offensive.

"So..." Ray ran his hands over his thighs, probably trying to dry his clammy hands, "A-Are you into the same kind of music as Frank?"

"Kinda. Misfits are fucking good, but I like a lot of classic rock and a bit of glam rock, too."

"So... Bowie? Bolan?"

"Twentieth Century Boy is one of my all time favourite songs, but anyone who can play the drums to Ace of Spades immediately has my attention and probably my heart."  
  
Ray raised his eyebrows again, this time in an impressed manner, and turned to Frank.

"The boy has good taste."

Gerard gasped dramatically, " Less of the 'boy', I'm twenty eight!"

"Really? You look younger than Frank!"

Gerard laughed, "The second time me and Frank met he had to ID me when I tried to buy wine. You're not the first person to think I'm younger than I really am."

"You're just full of surprises, Gerard."

"Well who wants to be predicatable?" He smiled sweetly, leaning on Frank's shoulder.  
  
Gerard only remained leaning on Frank shoulder for a moment, before sitting back up again with a little gasp.

"Oh, that reminds me! Ray," he frowned, a little more serious now, "Did you know about Maya and her _predictions_?"

"Oh.... You mean the messages from 'the spirits'?"

"Actually, yeah," Frank joined in now, genuinely curious, "That's how me and Maya knew each other so well. Whenever she came into the shop, almost every time, she had a message for me from 'the spirits'," he put air quotes around the phrase, not sure what ray's opinion on the matter was, "They were usually pretty abstract but always ended up having some kind of truth to them. Do you know... Ugh, I dunno, what kind of stuff she got up to? Not everyone has spirits that they talk to on a regular basis."

Ray nodded as Frank spoke, clearly understanding exactly what he was talking about.

"Yeah, we never really knew what she got up to with that. It's only been in, like, the past couple of years that she's been giving us messages and predictions. We thought it was dementia until the things she was saying kinda... Came true. There was something she told me a few years back about... Something like three black and white sisters awaiting my audience, and it was a matter of great important, or whatever. A couple of days after that, I was driving back from work and my engine started making weird noises," Ray sighed as he remembered, "I pulled over at the side of the road, and I was gonna pop the hood and take a look, but there were these three magpies sat in a tree. I remembered what Maya had said to me, so I went over to the birds just, like, out of curiosity, and... Another car hit mine, shunted it forwards a few metres. If I'd been there checking the engine, I'd have been hit."  
  
Ray seemed a little spaced out for a moment or two, but was quickly back in the room. He cleared his throat and carried on, "It might not seem like much, but it was enough to make me believe in what she said. Just because her messages weren't clear at first didn't mean that they meant nothing at all."  
"I know," Frank agreed, "She came to me so many times with total gibberish which eventually made total sense... I dunno, she was just a special woman."

"Was that why she was at the store? When she... Took her turn?"

Frank nodded, understanding what Ray really meant, "Yeah, she came to tell me that... Uh, that winter won't last very long, and when it's over, spring will be so bright and beautiful it'll be like I've never seen springtime before."

Ray frowned, "But it's July?"

"I said to her, Maya, it's the middle of summer, but that's when she... Yeah."

"God... That's- I don't even know what to say."

"Nor do I. Sorry..."

"No, no, no, you've nothing to be sorry for," Ray sighed and looked down at the table, the condensation from his bottle of beer pooling in the table and leaving a little ring shaped puddle on the tablecloth, "Just... Thank you, for staying with her. And, whatever that message means, it must have been pretty damn important to her that you knew what the spirits wanted you to know."

Frank huffed a little laugh, "I guess so. I just wish I knew what it meant."

"You'll find out eventually" Gerard said, resting his hand over Frank's, "Apparently she just wanted to leave us in suspense for a little while longer."  
  
"She could never be straight forward, trust me." Ray raised his bottle and took a sip, "To Maya, may she rest in peace and leave us baffled forever more."  


	35. Drinking With The Jocks

_"All of my life, all of my life_  
Just like I was one of the them"  
 **\- Drinking With The Jocks, Against Me!** **  
**

 

A few weeks went by before Frank took up Ray's offer of going out for drinks. He wanted to wait for a night where Pencey Prep would be performing, so that he could give Ray a good first impression; as honestly glad as he was to have his old friend back, Frank was also incredibly excited about the prospect of having time in a recording studio. It had been a while since the band had lost their prospects of recording an album, so anything that might set them back in that track was hugely exciting.

 

Frank had just gotten off the phone after making plans with Ray, only to walk into the living room to find Gerard also talking on the phone.  
He saw Frank and smiled, pointing at the phone pressed to his ear and mouthing the word 'Mikey'.

Frank nodded and smiled, mouthing back 'Coffee?' and pointing towards the kitchen. Gerard nodded, before carrying on his conversation.  
  


"Yeah, uh, I don't think we're doing anything tomorrow, I'll have to check-"

As soon as Frank heard this, he leaned back around the doorway to the living room and tried to get Gerard's attention.

"Gee, no-"

"Hang on, Mikey," Gerard moved the phone away from his ear and looked up at Frank.

"Yeah, sorry," Frank smiled sheepishly, worried he was ruining Gerard's plans, "I was just on the phone with Ray and we've made plans for tomorrow, 'cause Pencey's playing tomorrow night anyway, so if you're, like, planning something for us both, then I-"

"Oh, no, we were just gonna go out for drinks but if you're going out too we could just," he shrugged, "Go together?"

"Uh... Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll just have to let Ray know but I'm sure he'll be okay with it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it'll be fine! Uh, unless... Well, we're playing at The Hatter's Hollow, is that okay?"

Gerard hesitated for a moment, frowning, "I... Yeah, that's fine. I mean, Mikey and Alicia will be there, it'll be fine."

"You sure? We can go somewhere else if you want?"

Gerard smiled and shook his head, "Nah, Hatter's Hollow is fine."  
  
Gerard went back to his conversation with Mikey, relaying what he and Frank had just discussed, leaving Frank to make them both coffee in the kitchen.

When he came back, Gerard had put his phone away and had gone back to flicking through the TV channels, his laptop put to one side on the couch. He smiled sweetly as Frank came back in, and held out his hands for one of the hot drinks.  
  
"I said that I'd text him times and everything in a bit," Gerard said plainly, taking a sip of his drink and carefully putting it on the table.

"Well we go on stage at about eight, so Ray's getting there for about seven thirty, but I need to be there at about six. Gotta drive all the equipment over and set up early."

"Okay, well I'll tell Mikey to get there about seven thirty, too, and I'll come over there with you."

"Sounds like a plan. Well" Frank smirked, "So long as your legs are working properly again by tomorrow."

Gerard couldn't do anything other than blush and turn his face away, knowing exactly what Frank was referencing.  
  


Gerard was taking a day off from work, due to the fact he'd woken up and found that his legs wouldn't support his weight properly.

At first Frank had worried a little, but quickly realised that it was because they'd wound up having unexpectedly adventurous sex the night before, and Gerard's thighs has simply not recovered.  
  


"Sshh," Gerard blushed and shoved Frank's shoulder, smiling, "Leave me alone."

"Oh, you weren't saying that last night, babe." Frank crawled closer to Gerard, until he was almost leaning over him. Frank was only teasing, but he did like seeing the submissive glaze in Gerard's eyes, just the same that had been there last night. Quickly, Frank leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to Gerard's lips, feeling Gerard melt at the touch and whimper.

When he pulled back, Gerard whined and curled against his side, mumbling, "You're mean."

Frank laughed softly and pressed a gentle kiss to Gerard's forehead, "I know, but you love me."

"I do."

"So, as long as your legs are working again tomorrow," Frank chuckled, "You might need to help me load some of the equipment into the car."

"Okay," Gerard snuggled a little closer, "You know, I don't know why you're still storing all this stuff here. Like... Don't the guys want their instruments during the week?"

"Yeah, but like... They have their own stuff, I just look after what we use for shows. We all kinda learnt not to take our favourite guitars and stuff to shows after one time we played a show and the sprinklers went off."

"Oh," Gerard remarked, seeming genuinely surprised, "Shit. Well, as crappy as that is, making you lug an entire drum kit in here is just not fair."

Frank snorted, "Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know, but Tim doesn't have anywhere else to put them."

"Maybe ask Ray if his studios have, like, storage space or something? You've got an entire spare room here, Frank, you could actually do something with it. I mean, the arguments when I moved in about space and where to put stuff is kinda evidence enough that we need all the space we can get."

"Yeah... I guess you're right. Damn, you're just full of bright ideas."

Frank placed a kiss on Gerard's cheek, the older man grinning as Frank did so before reaching for his coffee again, "Well, I do try."  
  
  
\---*---  
  
  
Ray was late.

Granted, Frank and Gerard had also been a little late to the Hatter's Hollow, but with the help of the rest of Pencey Prep they got the stage set up in no time.

Mikey and Alicia had arrived at seven thirty, just as Gerard had asked them to, and the three of them had found seats at the bar on the side closest to the stage. Frank was relieved to see Gerard was perfectly comfortable; he had worried that, after everything that had occurred at the bar, Gerard wouldn't want to come back.  
  


Frank had very seriously threatened Shaun when he'd made a comment about Gerard earlier in the evening, thankfully out of earshot of Gerard, and Shaun had been quiet ever since, even when they came off stage after the show. Shaun stayed at the far side of the group, as far from Frank as he could manage, and Frank had no complaints about that. He was glad about this, as Ray had arrived half way through their set and really didn't want to kick off any kind of drama around his old friend; good first impressions of his band mates would probably be important.  
  
"You okay?" Gerard asked, concerned with how tense Frank still seemed to be.

"Yeah, fine," Frank sighed and wiped his forehead, "Hang on, I'm gonna go grab my towel."

"Okay- Oh, wait," Gerard grabbed Frank's arm and pulled him back as he tried to turn away, and pressed a kiss to Frank's sweaty cheek, "Okay, now you can get your towel."

Frank smiled at the sweet gesture, and made sure to be as fast as he could as he went behind the stage to grab the towel he always took to shows.

Frank regretted not bringing a change of shirt this time around, the cotton sticking to him and leaving a guitar strap shaped sweat line around his back and shoulder. At least the towel could solve the problem of his stringy, sweaty hair – which was in dire need of a cut.  
  


Back at the bar, Gerard seemed to be introducing Mikey and Alicia to Ray, and Frank was pleased to see that he seemed so calm and relaxed.

"Ray, buddy!" Frank slapped Ray on the back as he reached the bar again, "How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good! Sorry I was late, I've just been behind schedule all day. You guy's are pretty good though!"

"That's alright, we were a little late too, but I'm glad you enjoyed the show. Oh," Frank realised that the rest of Pencey Prep probably had no idea who Ray was, "Uh, guys, this is my friend Ray. Ray, this is John, Neil, Tim, and Shaun." He gestured to each member in turn, deliberately leaving Shaun until last, still feeling some resentment towards him for the comment he made earlier.

"You guys should definitely be charging for entry!" Ray remarked as he shook their hands in turn, "Like, seriously, I've seen bands on headline tours would aren't even good enough to be your first support acts."

"You're too fucking kind, sir!" Tim laughed, "What I wouldn't give to tour again."

"You've toured before?"

"Oh, yeah, just around the state," John answered, "We _did_ have a record deal but the label went bankrupt before we could record anything."

"That's crap," Ray said, frowning, and he leaned back against the bar, "But if a label can sign a band on week and go bankrupt the next, maybe they weren't worth your time."

"Yeah, but it'd still be nice to have that kind of support and promotion behind us," Frank shrugged, "Anyway, drinks! What can I get you?"

Ray shrugged, "Any beer will do, but this is gonna be my only drink of the night, okay? I'm driving back."

"Sure thing, buddy. And you guys?" he asked, turning to the rest of the band. The other four asked for beers also, and as Frank turned to ask Gerard, Mikey, and Alicia what drinks they wanted, but they had all beat him to it as they lifted up their own glasses to show they were alright for drinks.

"Alright guys, hey," Frank yelled over the noise to the barman, "Andrew, six beers, if you'd be so kind."

"Coming right up." Andrew half saluted Frank and turned to get the chilled bottles, placing them on the bar in front of the group.  
  
As soon as the cold liquid hit his tongue, Frank finally started cooling down, and had feeling it was going to be a good night.  
  
  
\---*---  
  
  
Frank had forgotten Shaun's lewd comments from hours before. Frank had forgotten the years he and Ray had spent apart. Frank had forgotten that he'd driven to The Hatter's Hollow tonight.  
  


Frank was drunk, and having the time of his life; it was like he was sixteen again, and him and Ray were drinking underage at a party they shouldn't really have been at, and everyone was his friend. Nothing mattered because no one would remember it the next day. He was just one of the boys again, without a care in the world.

He was full of such a youthful glee that he'd practically forgotten Gerard, sat at another table with Mikey and Alicia.  
  
It was nearly midnight when Gerard made his way over to the group of men, somewhat tentatively – not that Frank noticed.

 

"Uh, hey, Frank?"

Frank spun around the the source of the voice, surprisingly drunk considering their first round of beers has only been two hours ago, "Hm? Oh," he smiled when he saw Gerard, "Hey, baby."

Gerard smiled back sheepishly, "Hey, um... I was just wondering if- Uh, Mikey and Alicia are leaving now and they've said they can drive me home, I was just wondering if you," he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder, towards the door, "Want to come with us?"

Frank thought for a moment, trying to focus of Gerard's face but quickly found his vision blurring and wandering as he considered his options; he knew he was in no state to drive, but he was having a lot of fun and knew that Ray was still okay to drive. He could just get a lift with Ray if he needed one.  
  
"I, uh... Nah," he waved a hand, "It's fine, Ray's not ever drunk, he can drive me back."

Gerard looked a little crestfallen, "Oh... Are you sure?"

"Yeah!" Frank grinned and stepped closer, wrapping an arm around Gerard's waist and completely missing the way Gerard flinched at the smell of alcohol on his breath, "It's fine baby, don't worry. If you wanna go home then you can go home and I promise I'll be there when you wake up, 'kay?"  
This time, Gerard genuinely at Frank's sweet, albeit drunk, words, "Okay, I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, baby," Frank moved closer still and cupped Gerard's face, pressing a slightly wet kiss to his cheek, "I love you, babyboy," Frank signed, his beer-breath blowing over Gerard's neck, "Like, a lot."

"I love you too," Gerard quickly kissed Frank's cheek in return, before placing a hand on Frank's arm and trying to get out of his grip and leave, "Promise you'll not be back too late?"

"I promise," Frank smiled, drawing a cross over his chest with his finger, "Cross my heart."

"Okay, I'll see you later. Stay safe."

"Will do, babyboy."  
  


Frank let Gerard go from his arms and watched him leave with Mikey and Alicia, but very quickly rejoined his group if friends and forgot about his promise not to stay out too much later.  
  
  
The bar closed at half past three in the morning, and it was another half hour before the taxis that Tim and Neil had called showed up on the street outside. Ray had agreed to drive Frank home, but refused to leave until the other's were safely in their taxis and heading on their way back.  
  
Frank hadn't much enjoyed the car ride home. His swimming vision combined with the unfortunate number of potholes on the route was making Frank's stomach turn, almost to Ray's amusement.  
  
"Frank, I know you're still a lightweight and all," he joked, "But if you throw up in my car you will be paying the cleaning bill."

"'M not gonna be sick," Frank grumbled, sinking lower in the passenger seat and pulling one of his legs up, half curling up against the door, "I swear, I jus' wanna go t' bed."

"Okay, buddy. We're just round the corner."

"Good," Frank sent silent for a few moments, before saying. "I feel bad."

"Huh?"

"I promised Gee I wouldn't stay out late, an' now he's gonna be mad at me."

"He'll probably be asleep. Just get into bed without waking him up and he won't even know."

"I'll know."

Ray sighed, "You really like him, don't you."

Frank grinned stupidly, "Yeah... Like, a lot. I fucking love him," the smiled slipped off his face, "But he's gonna know! He gonna know I stayed out late! Ray," he looked at his friend pleadingly, "What do I do?"

"He won't know! Just get into bed and don't wake him up, it'll be fine."

"'Kay."  
  


Ray slowed down and pulled up outside Frank's apartment block, "We're here. You gonna be okay getting inside on your own?"

"Yeah," Frank frowned, "I've lived here for, like, years. I can get into my building fine."

"Okay, friend. Well, it's been good seeing you, your band is awesome," he smiled at frank. Who was unbuckling himself from the passenger seat.

"Thanks," he grinned stupidly again, "'M really glad you don't think we suck. You were... like, so good at guitar, I jus' wish I was as cool as you are, dude."

Ray laughed and shook his head, his hair bouncing with each movement, "Okay, come on. Get inside, you're very drunk."

"Not _very_ ," Frank mumbled as he opened the door, "Jus' a bit."

"See you!"

"Bye, Ray!"  
  


Frank did get into his building alright, and was glad he didn't have stairs to tackle. He was  _definitely_ drunk, but he'd _definitely_ been worse.  
  
He decided that, before crawling into bed next to Gerard, he'd have some water to try and preemptively counteract the hangover he'd have in the morning.  
  
Frank grabbed a pint glass fro the kitchen cabinet, closing the door extra carefully, and filled the glass to the very top. He sipped it, making sure he didn't spill any, as he walked back through to the living room and sat down on the couch.

Placing the glass on the table, Frank took off his shirt, sick of the way it was still sticking to him, hours after he'd come off stage. Leaning back against the cushions, he sighed happily at how cool the untouched fabric felt on his back, throwing his t-shirt over the arm of the couch.  
  
Frank round the couch far too comfortable and, completely forgetting his other promise to Gerard, fell asleep then and there.


	36. Stage 4 Fear Of Trying

_"I never felt more alone than when I fell  
__I don't know why it took so long to get back home"_  
**\-  frnkiero andthe cellabration, Stage 4 Fear of Trying**

 

* * *

 

  
  
Frank woke with a start, a loud crashing noise seemingly bringing him out of sleep, but immediately regretted sitting up as fast as he did as it sent his head spinning.

Groaning and laying back down again, it took a moment for his brain to kick back into gear, remembering everything that had happened last night, realising he was shirtless on the couch and not in his bed, and that the noise that had woken him was actually the front door.

Frowning, Frank sat up – slower this time – And looked around, bleary eyes and squinting against the light in the room in an effort to protect his over sensitive eyes. It was a Saturday, he knew that much, but he hadn't got any idea what time it was.

"Gerard?" He called out into the empty apartment, thinking that maybe Gerard had been out already and them come back.

No reply.

Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his phone to check the time. Eleven thirty four.

He called out again, "Hey, Gee?"

Still no reply.

He stood up now, finding his feet to be a little unsteady as he head spun again, though not as bad as before, and his eyes focused on the coffee table.  
There was a large glass of water accompanied by a note. The page was torn out of a notebook and folded over, with a hastily scrawled "Frank" on the front. 'Not that anyone else would be here to pick up the note', Frank thought to himself as he picked it up and read it.

_'I know you're gonna be feeling shit so I got you this water for when you wake up (please drink it)_  
_Terri needs help at work, I'll be back later. We need to talk.  
_ _G xo'_

Frank did feel like shit, but not so much fro the hangover now; Gerard was upset.  
Frank had said that he wouldn't stay out late and that he'd be there, next to Gerard in bed, when Gerard woke up. Frank had done neither.

Gerard wasn't even there to apologise to, but Frank knew that if he did have the chance to say sorry now it'd just be to make himself feel less guilty, even if he did mean it.  
Frank sat back down and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, then rubbed his entire face, and stretched. Doing as Gerard had asked in the note, he picked up the glass and drank most of it in one go. The effects weren't immediate, of course, so he stood up again and wandered into the kitchen looking for painkillers and coffee.  
Before he got to the coffee maker or the cupboards, Frank saw Gerard's empty breakfast bowl and coffee mug sat on the sideboard, and his heart sank again; since they'd lived together, they almost always had breakfast together too, and when they didn't, one of them would always make breakfast for the other. Knowing that Gerard had had breakfast alone and not bothered to make anything for him hurt, and of course it was selfish to feel like that, but it also proved just how annoyed Gerard was.

All Frank could do was put on a fresh pot of coffee (because, despite the pot still being warm, Gerard had only made enough for himself) and dig out a box of aspirin from the cupboard in the hopes of easing his headache.

Once Frank had had his fill of caffeine and his head wasn't hurting as much, he decided to shower, brush his teeth and get the disgusting taste of coffee mixed with stale alcohol out of his mouth, and put on clean clothes; even if he didn't feel particularly well put together on the inside, he could at least try and look it on the outside, should he need to leave the house for any reason.  
  
Frank had spent the entire day cleaning at apartment from top to bottom, from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom and living room, vacuuming and dusting and mopping every available surface, doing all the laundry and drying it (making four separate trips to the laundry room in their building during the day) and putting all their clothes away. Frank had done all this with a pounding headache that had not gone away all day, no matter how much water he drank or how many pain killers he took (within reason, of course). He'd even gone out and bought flowers – A large bouquet of purple irises – which were now in a vase on the living room table.

Gerard finally got back at half past five, and Frank was both happy to see him, and worried.  
As soon as he heard the front door open, Frank jumped as his heart started racing, throwing the cloth he was using to clean the kitchen sideboard into the sink and wiping his hands and his jeans, then running them through his hair (which was now well past his ears) and stepping out of the kitchen and into the hall. Gerard shut the door and turned around, not looking up immediately as he took his bag off of his shoulder and hung it on one of the wall hooks in the hall.

"Uh.... hi."

Gerard looked up at Frank when he spoke, and smiled weakly, "Hi."  
"How're you?"  
"I'm fine, I guess," Gerard shrugged and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. The two of them looked at each other, stood at opposite end of the hall, not moving, just watching each other. Frank was ready to make a move, but Gerard looked like he could stand there and have a normal conversation.  
"You don't, uh, normally work on Saturdays."  
"Yeah," Gerard nodded, "Terri needed help with the lunchtime rush and decided to stay."  
"Oh," Frank replied, shuffling his feat before asking, "Did you stay at work to keep away from me?"  
Gerard sighed, "Kinda... So you know I'm pissed off then?"

Frank nodded solemnly; he hadn't realised how cold Gerard would have been acting when he got back, but it was starting to sink in now.

"You said you wanted to talk when you got back."  
"Yeah I do."  
"Do you, uh... Like, want coffee, or something?"  
"Coffee would be good, yeah." Gerard sighed, "I'm gonna get changed."

Without another word, Frank went back into the kitchen while Gerard walked past and went into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes.  
Either the process of making coffee had gotten a lot faster that day for no apparent reason, or Gerard was taking especially long to get changed, but Frank had made them both cups of coffee and had moved to the living room, waiting for Gerard come come back out of their room.  
When he eventually did, he had changed straight into his pyjamas. He smiled very briefly and settled himself at the opposite end of the couch, leaving a lot of space between him and Frank, his eyes flickering to the table and doing a double take as he went to pick up the cup of coffee closest to him.

"You got flowers?"  
"Yeah. I mean," Frank shrugged sheepishly, "I got them for you, but I didn't want to leave them out of water all day."  
Gerard didn't comment further on the flowers, making Frank's heart sink, but carried on talking, remarking, "And you've tidied the whole place."  
"Yeah."  
"So you know I'm annoyed?"  
"Of course, I knew you'd be annoyed before I even got back last night. You can ask Ray."  
  


"I don't want to talk to Ray," Gerard replied, "Honestly, I didn't want to talk to you either before I left this morning."  
"I... I gathered that." Frank couldn't even look at Gerard, instead he looked into his coffee cup.  
"You said you wouldn't stay out late, and that you'd be there when I woke up. I don't even know what time you actually got back but you sure as hell weren't there when I woke up."  
"I know."  
"So? What time did you get back?"  
"I-I don't... Urm," Frank shrugged, "Like... half three?"

Gerard scoffed at Frank's reply, making the younger man feel a little indignant.

"I'm sorry, Gee, but why is this _such_ a huge deal? I know I was drunk, and I didn't keep a promise, but you _know_ this is the first time it's happened, and I feel like shit for doing it so I know I'm not gonna do it again."  
Finally looking Gerard in the eye, Frank saw that he looked shocked at Frank's words.  
"I'm sorry," Frank continued, "But, right now, you're making me feel like a child who broke his curfew."  
"That's because I'm mad, Frank, because that's what you were acting like last night!"  
"A child?"  
"Yes, a child. Like a drunk teenager," Gerard was almost yelling, but he caught himself. He sighed and carried on, in a much more controlled voice, "I've seen you out drinking with your friends before, but you've never been like that. You were like a teenager at a frat party or something, all because Ray was there, and... I know you haven't seen him in a while, but that doesn't mean you have to... _regress_ back to the age you were when you last hung out with him."  
"I didn't regress, I had fun, and I feel like shit for not keeping my promise to you. I really do."

The two of them sat in silence for a moment, not being able to bring themselves to look at once another.

Frank broke the silence.

"I know I should have come home with you last night. Like, I realise that when you-"  
"No, no, Frank... It's alright, you're right' this was the first time. I;m sorry for being such an asshole about th-"  
"Gee, you're not being an asshole! You woke up alone, and... And I'm sorry."  
"I didn't know if you even came back or not."

Frank's head shot up as he looked at Gerard. He was looking down into his coffee, shoulders hunched, hair hanging over his face.

"I-You what?"  
"I thought... I was scared you didn't come back."

Frank noticed the shuddering of Gerard's shoulders and realised with a start that he was crying. Without hesitation, he put his coffee on the table and scooted closer to Gerard, taking his own coffee from him and putting it out of the way, cooing to him and pulling him into his arms.

"Gee... No, no, no, I'm so sorry, babyboy. I am _so_ sorry."  
Gerard started sobbing softly, holding tightly onto Frank's shirt and mumbling "I thought something happened to you. I'm not really angry at you, I just..." he sniffed, "Why didn't you come to bed last night?"  
"I just sat on the couch and passed out, I didn't do it deliberately, I swear. I was just drunk and tired and it was an accident."  
"I really thought you didn't make it home last night, it made me jump when I saw you in here."  
"I'm sorry, baby."

Another few moments of silence went by, where Frank just held Gerard while he cried softly.

"I didn't mean what I said about Ray."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's... It's really great that you've got your old best friend back, and that you were having fun last night, and I;m sorry for making you feel bad about it."  
"Gee, it's okay if you are annoyed. I was a bit of an ass last night, Shaun had pissed me off too and I just... I dunno. I did go a bit overboard with the drinking."  
"I wish I had friends like yours." Gerard curled closer against Frank, tucking himself against his boyfriends side.  
Frank had to try and not laugh in derision, thinking about what Shaun, his so-called friend, had said the previous evening, "They're not that great, really."  
"But at least you _have_ friends."  
"Hey, you have Mikey, and Alicia," Frank frowned, but Gerard shook his head.  
"He's my brother, and Alicia's his girlfriend. Apart from them, I have no one."

Thinking now, he was right. Gerard had lived here for months and still had no one other than Frank, Mikey, and Terri (though she hardly counted as a 'friend', and more like a motherly figure). While Frank had friends at work, old friends from school, his band, and various other acquaintances who lived locally, Gerard had no such people in his life. His only friend from school was dead, he barely had any family, and Gerard was naturally introverted so being social was sometimes hard for him.

"Hey, baby, why not join some kind of class? Like painting or amateur dramatics or something? Something you like, then you can meet people with similar interests?"  
Gerard didn't reply immediately, considering the possibility for a few moments then shrugging a little.  
"I could, I guess. I dunno. I just want to forget last night ever happened," he looked up at Frank, eyes red and tears still on his cheeks, "Next time, if there is a next time, please come to bed. I don't care if you're sweaty and you stink of alcohol, just please come to bed so I can know you're okay in the morning."  
Frank smiled softly, taking Gerard's cheek in his hand and wiping at a stray tear with his thumb, then brushing Gerard's hair from his face, Frank softly kissed him.  
"I promise that you'll never wake up alone, Gee. Unless I say I'll be somewhere else, I will always be with you when you wake up."  
"Promise?"  
"Cross my heart."  
Gerard smiled as Frank drew an 'x' over his chest, taking his hand and kissing it sweetly before laying it over his own heart.

"I love you."  
"I love you too, but please don't ever scare me like that again."  
"I won't, I promise, but.. Gee, maybe you should talk to someone?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Just, waking up and immediately thinking something bad's happened isn't normal. It's like... paranoia, and... I dunno, separation anxiety?"  
"Frankie..." Gerard sighed, looking up at Frank again, "Can we... _not?_ I just want to cuddle right now. "Okay, but I still think we should talk about that some time."  
Gerard put his hand over Frank's mouth and shushed him, "Sshh, too much talking, not enough cuddly."  
Frank smiled, glad to have Gerard back to his usual self.

"You wanna watch a film?" Frank asked, raking his fingers though Gerard's hair.  
"Yeah, sure. So long as it's not Texas Chainsaw Massacre."  
Frank stood up and made his way over to the DVD cabinet, jokingly whining at Gerard's request.  
"Aw, come on! You know it's my favourite!"  
Gerard laughed, shaking his head, "You can quote that film off by heart! I don't wanna watch it right now anyway. Can we watch Dracula?"  
"Really?"  
"Fuck you, vampires are cute."  
Frank raised his eyebrows but picked up 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' anyway, knowing how much Gerard loved the film.  
Putting the DVD in, Frank went back to the couch and half scooped Gerard up in his arms, dragging him closer 'til he was curled right up against Frank's side, giggling a little from being manhandled but relaxed.  
Frank turned his head and pressed a kiss to Gerard's hair, holding him as tightly as was comfortable and murmuring against his head, "I missed you today, Gee."  
"I missed you too, Frankie. I'm sorry."  
"You've got nothing to apologise for, baby. Anyway, sshh, too much talking."  



	37. New Wave

_"We can be the bands we want to hear.  
_ _We can define our own generation.  
_ _Is there anybody on the receiving end?  
_ _Are you ready to brave new directions?"_

**\-  New Wave, Against Me!**

 

* * *

 

 

 

Autumn was creeping up on Lynhurst, the long summer evenings turning into chill, dull nights, and the leaves on the trees turning from lush and green to brittle and yellow. The mornings smelt beautiful, and Gerard had started digging out his thicker jackets and scarves to wear.

 

Life was good for Frank and Gerard. Though they'd both picked up extra shifts and were working a little more than before, home life had never been better. Their apartment was looking more like _their_  place rather than just Frank's place, and nowhere had felt more like home.

In addition to more work, Gerard and Frank both had more time for their hobbies too. As per Frank's suggestion, Gerard had gone out searching for classes or groups to join, and had found a book club that was based at a local comic book store. It was just a small thing, but Frank had definitely seen the change in Gerard. He insisted that he hadn't made any actual friends yet, but it was great that he was getting out of the house, talking to new people, and going something he enjoyed.

As for Frank, he and the rest of Pencey Prep were really taking off after Ray had come to see them play. he and Ray had completely rekindled their friendship and were once again 'as thick as thieves' (so their teachers had used to say). Ray had even found a storage room at the studios where he worked, Silverflux Productions, for Pencey Prep's instruments, and managed to organise some rehearsal slots for them.

Everything was good, and they were happy.

 

\---*---

 

Pencey Prep had been rehearsing for most of Saturday afternoon, not entirely sure of how much time had passed since they arrived at midday, all too caught up in their music and even the writing of some some new songs to bother with checking the time. Frank had no animosity towards Shawn for his comments about Gerard (truthfully, Frank could barely remember what exactly it was that Shaun had said), but Shaun certainly seemed quieter, not bothering to ask about how Gerard was, and they had gotten a few odd looks from the others whenever they'd spoken to one another, but it wasn't important. 

 

The only indication of time that they received was when they heard a knock on the door of the sound-insulated room.

Neil answered the door, revealing Ray stood there, grinning with a giddy look in his eye.

 

"Hey guys, you still here?"

"Yeah," Frank smiled and nodded, "You said we could stay as long as we needed. That's not a problem, is it?"

"No, no!" Ray carried on smiling as he came in, sitting himself down on one of the empty seats, "I'm actually really glad you're all still here."

"Oh?" Frank raised an eyebrow, now noticing that Ray had a folder with him.

"Yeah, uh, I've just finished for the day, but I thought I'd just come talk to you guys about something."

"Finished?" Tim asked, "Damn, what time is it?"

"It's just gone five o'clock. Do you guys have anywhere that you need to be?"

The six men all looked around the room at each other, waiting for someone to pipe up but they all shook their heads and looked back at Ray, who seemed satisfied.

"Excellent, I need to talk to you all," he shuffled in his seat, leaning forwards a little as the others gathered around, taking empty seats, Neil chose to stand though, and Tim just lenaed on his drums, listening to what was to be said.

"Right... Basically," Ray started, holding up his hands, "I've been in a meeting today, and we have a few signing spaces and an upcoming tour with empty places on the bill."

Frank's heart started racing; surly Ray wasn't going to say what Frank thought he was going to say.

"And...? Did our names come up?" John asked, sounding pretty deadpan despite the possible implications.

"We have a band, called Taking Back Sunday, and they've been given funding and shit for an east coast headline tour, but they still need a main support... and I suggest you guys."

"Are you kidding?" Shaun leaned right forwards, practically bent double on the edge of his seat, eyes bugging, "Like... This is a real thing you're offering us? You're not just dangling this in front of us, this isn't something that's gonna fall through?"

Ray sighed, but smiled, "I really, _really_  hope not. Of course, you're just one name that's on the list of suggestions, but I think that your sound would appeal to their fans. But... There's conditions."

"What kind of conditions?"

"The main support has to be on our label," Ray opened the folder and pulled out the stack of papers, "So I got my hands on some copies of our contract for you guys to look over."

"You're kidding?" Frank asked, echoing Shaun with his utter disbelief, "Your boss is willing to sign us? For real?"

Ray just grinned and nodded as the five members of Pencey prep took a copy each of the contract that Ray had brought them.

"This is... Holy _fuck_ , this is huge!" Neil exclaimed, "I mean... The news not the contract," he leafed through the pages, "Well, I mean, the contract is kinda long, but this news is _huge_!"

"I know," Ray laughed, "Which is why I've given you guys these. of course, they're just the generic format, and if you do want to sign there'll be a contract tailor made your your needs and our requests, but if you do sign, you can tour first, put out music later. Long story short, if you can put together at least thirteen songs that the big boss-man approves, then it's all good."

"How long's the tour, and how long do we have to decide?" Frank asked; this was one of the biggest decisions he'd had to make in a very long time, and he'd be lying if the last experience of signing to a label didn't still haunt him.

"It's a January tour, but we need to get promo and stuff out as soon as possible, so a month maximum? As in, a month to decide and sign. And then, just getting those songs roughly recorded as demos for the boss to approve for the tour; that's to say, what you record and play on tour doesn't have to go one any albums, it's just to make sure you actually have songs to play."

"Ray," Frank sighed, flipping the front page of the mock-contract back down and shaking his head, "I-I really don't know what to say, this... This is massive thank you so much!"

"Just remember, this isn't a guarantee that you'll go touring, just that you'll be signed to Silverflux."

"Uh, that's still huge!" John laughed, shaking the papers at Ray.

"So, I guess I'll leave you guys too look over the basics," Ray clapped his hands together and stood up, backing away towards the door, "And just let me know asap what your decision is. The sooner the better, remember."

 

\---*---

 

Frank practically bounced in through the front door, papers still in hand as he called through the apartment for Gerard, ecstatic to tell him the news.

"Gerard! Gee, you'll never guess what!"

Rounding the corner into the kitchen from the living room, Frank almost slammed right into Gerard, but caught himself just inside, instead, grabbing Gerard's sides and spinning him around.

"Frank! God you scared me!"

"Guess what?" Frank grinned, probably looking a little manic, but really not caring, as Gerard seemed to catch onto the good news.

"What is it?" Gerard smiled, eyes flickering between Frank's own, waiting for the good news.

"Pencey Prep might get signed!" he laughed, brandishing the contract, "We might get signed, _and_  go on tour!"

The smile on Gerard's face escalated to a look of incredible shock and joy as he threw himself into Frank's arms, squealing with delight as he rocked the both of them on the spot.

"Oh my god, Frankie! That's amazing!" He pulled back from the embrace, grabbing Frank's face and kissing him, then kissing him again, and laughing. Frank laughed too, glad to see that Gerard's reaction was so positive.

Gerard stepped back for a moment, grabbing Frank;s hand that held the contract and promptly asked, Is this the contract?"

"Uh, no, it's just a mock up with the general terms and conditions that the label has. We all got one so we can read through and decide whether we really want to sign."

Gerard's smile faltered a little, "What do you think the others will say?"

Frank reached up his free hand and stroked Gerard's cheek reassuringly, "Don't worry, I'm pretty damn sure we all want this, and the contract's not going to be anything horrendously un-agreeable. It's pretty much a dead cert; we're going to be on a real record label!"

"Baby, this is so amazing! What about the tour, tell me everything?"

The two of them moved through to the living room, sitting on the couch with gerard practically on top of Frank (but only after Frank had pulled him into his lap). He put the contract on the table and wrapped his arms around Gerard and began excitedly explaining everything that ray had told him and the rest of the band.

 

"...So, we have a month to record a few demos, and we can go on tour!"

Gerard smiled, struggling to take it all in but happy none the less "This is fucking incredible, baby! This... Wow, I didn't think that today could get any better!"

Frank leaned back a little and looked at Gerard quizzically, "Better? Why, what've you been up to?"

Gerard bit his lip and grinned, "I, uh... I checked my bank account, and my savings and everything, and, including the check from my mom, I have enough for the hysterectomy _and_  the egg storage!"

Frank almost choked on his own surprise, excitedly hugging Gerard all over again and genuinely feeling a little emotional.

"Oh my god, babyboy, this is huge! Why are you just letting me ramble about a damn contract, this is so much more important?"

Gerard just giggled and leaned in against Frank, "Because you were excited about it and I wanted to hear about it! And they're equally important," he poked Frank's chest with his finger, "Mr Rockstar."

"Sshh, you," Frank kissed Gerard's cheek and squeezed him, "But seriously, you really have enough?"

Gerard nodded and tried to hold back a grin, "I really do, yeah. I want to wait a while to make sure there's enough money to fall back on, just in case, but I think I have enough for the surgery and the aftercare."

Frank felt a little teary-eyed now, pulling back and holding Gerard's face and his hands, sweeping his jet hair from his eyes and stroking his cheeks, simply taking a moment to take in the beautiful sight of Gerard being honestly, truly happy.

"I love you so much, Gerard. So much, I really mean that," Frank said, smiling despite the tears welling in his eyes. Gerard laughed and placed his hand lovingly over Frank's heart.

"I love you too, you big soppy idiot," Gerard leaned in and kissed Frank softly, but Frank, despite kissing him back, had to protest.

"Hey, I'm not an idiot. This is... Such a huge thing. Both things are huge, for both of us. I just can't... Oh god," frank was actually crying by this point, and had to pause to wipe a tear from his cheek, "Everything's really overwhelming, holy fuck... Sorry."

"It's okay, Frankie," Gerard cuddled closer to Frank as he wiped away his tears and sniffled a bit, "I'm just excited for everything now. Like... Literally everything! You're gonna be signing a record deal, and then it's your birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, I'll probably be having my surgery after that...Wow," he looked at Frank, starry eyed and smiling, "Everything's going to be so amazing."

Frank's heart swelled with the way Gerard was looking at him, and he believed Gerard's words wholeheartedly.

He couldn't wait for the rest of the year, and the start of the next. He couldn't wait to share all these things with Gerard.


	38. Mileage

_"But every road leads home,  
_

_And every exit takes somewhere I don't know"_

**\-  Mileage, Neck Deep  
  
**

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Frankie?" Gerard smiled, rolling over in bed as he looked up at Frank. They younger man was already dressed and was just picking up his phone and keys from the bedside table, but Gerard had a day off and was taking it as an opportunity to have a lie-in. his jet black hair was a mess of tendrils and his eyes were still puffy from sleeping, but Frank thought he was beautiful, as always.

"Yeah?"

"It's nearly your birthday," he grinned, cuddling Frank's pillow to his chest as he looked up at his boyfriend, "And nearly our anniversary too."

"I know baby," Frank put his phone in his pocket and sat down in the edge of the bed, "I can't believe it's been a whole year."

"Best year of my life so far," Gerard sat up and pressed a kiss to the corner of Frank's mouth, "We should do something big to celebrate- for your birthday _and_  our anniversary."

Frank smiled, thinking about how busy things might be in the next few weeks, "We'll see. Look, I gotta go."

"I know," Gerard kissed him again, "Go on, you've got songs to pitch, _Mr Rockstar_."

Frank laughed and rolled his eyes, stroking his hand through Gerard's hair and smiling, "You've gotta stop calling me that."

"Good luck, Frankie," he leaned up and kissed Frank again, "I'm sure you'll do great."

"I hope so."

 

\---*---

 

It had been a long time since Frank had been in a meeting like this, and he already hated it. He'd had to dress semi-smart, as had the rest of Pencey Prep, and it felt very unnatural. But it was serious business.

They'd been met by Ray at the reception of Silverflux and he had lead the band up into the main building, somewhere they'd never been before. The meeting room was on the third floor, through a network of corridors taking them past offices and smaller recording booths.

The meeting room was brightly lit, but the dark colour of the walls and the size of the room made it feel like everything was closing in around them; the way the lights were positioned around the room threw the faces of the producers and managers into shadow, making Frank feel small, like he was being scrutinised by a jury.

"So," the older man in the black suit with slicked back brown hair started; he seemed to be the boss, seated in the middle of the opposite side of the table, with Ray and another unfamiliar man either side of him, "You guys are Pencey Prep, then?"

"Yes sir, we are," Frank nodded, deciding to take the lead; he was the band's frontman after all.

"Are you Frank?" The man asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes, sir. Frank Iero, I'm the lead singer and guitarist."

"Nice to meet you," the man smiled, reaching out a hand for Frank to shake, "My name's Tim Lewis, I'm the CEO of Silverflux Productions," he then held his hand out to each of the others in turn, who introduced themselves.

"It's great to met the men behind the music, finally," Tim smiled, quickly gesturing to the still unnamed man to his right, "This is is Jeremy, he's the manager of the tour that you're being considered for."

Jeremy raised a hand in greeting and nodded once, "Nice to meet you."

The five of them nodded back at him and muttered replies, before Tim took over the conversation again.

"Obviously, you already know Ray, you've known Ray longer than I have!" he laughed, like a deep bark, and slapped a hand on the table, "Anyway, let's get right down to what you're here for; this tour contract.

"Long story short," he leaned on the table and pressed his fingers together, resting his chin on top of the tips, "I really like the sound you guys have, and I think you'd be a great fit on the tour. If you're happy to sign, then we're more than happy to have you on our label."

Frank almost choked on his own breath, not expecting to be offered a place on the tour or the contract so easily. It was hard to believe really, and he found that his head was spinning, slightly blurring his vision for a moment as he leaned forwards as asked, "Wh- Really?"

Tim laughed again and nodded, "Absolutely! When Ray told me about you guys, I thought he was just talking you up because he's a friend, but honestly, you've got a great sound and you'd be a great addition to the tour. I'd love to help you guys get an album out, too. Maybe not right away, but bands like yours - friends who just want to make music - are exactly the kind of people who should have the chance to get their names out there. You've got passion, and I wanna help you nurture that."

"So... You're offering us a proper contract?" John asked, leaning on the table and looking at Tim as though he were about to say it was all a joke. But Tim just smiled and nodded.

"Yes, we are. The basics of the contract will be that the songs you've done the demos for will be approved for a full album, plus or minus any songs you guys choose, and also approved for the tour. We'll probably want to make some of the demos into an EP or something before the tour so that people who go to the shows have something they can pick up and show to their friends before the album drops, but of course," Tim shrugged, "That's why you're here today; to discuss the ins and outs of it all. We won't make you sign into anything you're not completely okay with. So," he looked at the five men, sitting back in his seat, "Do we have a deal?"

Frank looked to his sides, gauging the reactions of his bandmates. They all looked at one another, nodding their heads slightly, still seeming stunned with the whole situation.

Frank took a deep breath and, with one last look at each of his friends, turned back to Tim.

"I think we do, yeah."

 

\---*---

 

A few hours later, Pencey Prep practically barrelled out of the revolving doors of Silverflux's reception, laughing and howling, each pulling out their phones to call their friends and family to spread the good news, each of them carefully clutching a copy of each of their now signed contracts; one for the record deal, and one for the tour.

Frank quickly found Gerard's number in his phone and hit dial, pressing the device to his ear as he walked over to his car and waited anxiously for Gerard to pick up.

"Hey Frankie," his voice finally came through the phone, "How'd it go?"

"We got it! We got the spot on the tour! We've signed the contracts and everything, it's official!"

Frank just blurted it out, he couldn't contain his excitement and he didn't want to. He wanted to tell everyone, but first and most of all, Gerard.

"Oh my god!" Gerard squealed into the receiver, "Really?"

"Yes, really," Frank laughed, "I have the contracts in my hands right now, we all do. We've just go out of the meeting, I'm nearly at the car now, I'll tell you all about it when I'm home, okay?"

"Okay, baby," Frank could practically hear Gerard's smile, and it made his heart swell, "I'll see you soon."

"See you soon, babyboy," Frank smiled to himself as Gerard''s voice came through the phone again.

"I'm so proud of you."

"I love you, Gee."

"I love you too, hurry home."

 

Frank had never driven so fast, yet so cautiously, in his life. He was desperate to get home and tell Gerard all about what was going to be happening, but he obviously wanted to get there in one piece.

He almost forgot to lock the car door as he parked up and jumped out, and nearly forgot to unlock the door to his apartment, all in his excitement to get to Gerard.

When he did finally make it through the front door, Gerard was stood, leaning against the living room doorframe, waiting for him. No sooner had they spotted each other than they were in each others arms, Frank actually lifting Gerard off the floor as they embraced. Frank let the older man find his feet again and they kissed, a hard, fast kiss, Gerard breaking away quickly and holding Frank's face in his hands, grinning broadly.

"Hey there, Mr Rockstar!" He said, unable to keep the joy out of his voice. Frank couldn't do anything but kiss him back, not having any kind of argument against Gerard calling him that anymore.

"Hi, baby,"Frank whispered, "I've missed you."

Gerard smiled and ran his hand through Frank's hair, sighing happily, "I've missed you too, it's been a long day."

"Yeah, but a good day," Frank took his arms from around Gerard's waist and took hold of his hands, pulling him through to the living room, "Come on, I've gotta tell you everything."

They settled themselves on the couch, Gerard sat as close to Frank as possible, his legs practically over the younger man's lap. Frank didn't let go of his hands, not wanting to lose contact with his sweet boyfriend.

"Okay, so," Frank started, not even trying to keep the smile off his face, "We got there, and the boss, Tim, almost immediately said he wanted to sign us. I literally went dizzy, I was so shocked. Most of the time there was spent negotiating the details of the contract, but there wasn't much to negotiate. We agreed that three of the demos we've done will be put on an EP in time for the tour, the rest of the demos we've done can also be played on the tour, and then put on an album. We've also signed for another two albums after that!"

"Oh my god!" Gerard squealed again and bounced on the couch cushions, "This is so fucking amazing! When's the tour?"

"It's not until the new year, they're just finalising the last few things before they can tell us the dates. But it's only gonna be a month or so on tour."

"A whole month... That's a long time, but... Wow," Gerard sighed and smiled, his eyes sparkling, "This is so huge."

"I know," Frank's smile hadn't faltered since he got in the front door, "This is literally my dream come true. It still hasn't, like... Sunk in yet."

Gerard leaned in and kissed Frank softly, followed with a whisper of "I am _so_  proud of you."

Frank laughed, looking away for a moment as he felt himself blush.

Everything was so overwhelming, he didn't think he ever had been or could be happier than he was in that moment. It was only made better as Gerard kissed him again, deeper and slower, pulling the two of them even closer together.

As they broke the kiss, they rested their foreheads together, still holding each other gently.

"I love you, Frank."

"I love you too, Gee. So damn much."

Gerard shuffled even closer, his chest now against Frank, as he kissed Frank's cheek, the softest of kisses and whispered, "Do you want to... Maybe... Move to the bedroom?"

 Frank hesitated, realising he'd forgot to mention that he and the rest of Pencey Prep had agreed to go out and celebrate together after telling their friends and family, but it could wait.

"I said I'd go out tonight with the band to celebrate, but," he gently kissed Gerard's lips, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend's waist, "I have all the time in the world for you, babyboy."


	39. Yesterday

_"I wanna run with you.  
_

_I don't care what we do,  
_

_Gotta get out of this place,"_

**\-  Yesterday, Pencey Prep  
  
**

* * *

 

Plans for the tour and EP were in full swing, and Pencey Prep finally knew the dates of the shows they'd be playing. The tour would be running from the fifteenth of January up to the fourth of February. It was a fairly short tour but the managers of it all had backed in as many show dates as the bands thought they could handle.

This, of course, meant that Pencey had to have a fully fledged EP to put out in the new year, as per their contract, which might sound easy but it was taking its toll on the members.

It was a Friday evening, and as much as Frank enjoyed spending his Fridays playing music, he much preferred being on stage with a responsive audience, rather than being in a studio with a pane of glass between himself and those listening. Even then, the only response he'd get would be "Okay, let's try another take," or "No, we need to do that again," and the very occasional, "That was great".

The fact that everything was being recorded separately meant the entire process was taking far longer than it should, even with the re-recordings and re-re-recordings that the guy at the soundboard was demanding of them.  
Frank wasn't exactly in a bad mood, but he wasn't in a good one either, and was very close to calling quits on everything for the day. The others were all still in surprisingly good moods, so Frank hadn't said anything yet, but the way Ray was eyeing him from the other side of the room told him that his exhaustion was showing.

"Dude," Shaun leaned across from his seat by the mixing desk, "You okay?"  
"Yeah, 'm fine," Frank waved a hand, slumping forwards and resting his arms on his knees, "I'm just tired, y' know?"  
"You only need to be here for another hour-ish, don't worry," Ray tried to sound encouraging, but the prospect of being in the windowless room for another hour was almost too much for Frank.  
"This'd be so much fucking easier if Tim had used the click track like we fucking asked him to."  
"Whoa, calm down," Neil said, glancing at Tim, who was in the recording room as they spoke, "You're lucky he can't hear you."  
"I'm just sick of being couped up like this," Frank grumbled in reply, "For the love of God, Ray, please don‘t book such a long session next time?"  
"I'll see what I can do, buddy,"

Just at that moment, Frank felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Taking it out, he saw that Gerard was calling. Catching Ray's eye, he pointed to his phone and then to the door, walking out of the room as Ray nodded back at him.

"Hey, babyboy," Frank said cheerily, completely in contrast to how he'd felt in the studio room.  
"Hi sweetie, how's it going?"  
"Uh... Okay, I guess. It's taking way longer than it should. If that studio had windows, I'd be just about ready to jump out of one of to escape."  
"Well that doesn't sound to great," Frank could hear Gerard's frown in his voice, and it made him want to be at home, "How much longer do you reckon you're gonna be there?"  
"Ray reckons another hour. I just want to get home right now, honestly."  
"You'll make it through, babe" Gerard sighed, "Just don't go jumping through any non-existent windows."  
"I won't," Frank half smiled, "I'll try to get back in one piece. We should be done in an hour but I'll let you know if we have to stay later."  
"Okay. See you later, Frankie."  
"Bye, Gee."

Rejoining the group in the studio, Frank slumped back down on the sofa, knees sticking out of the holes in his jeans, and sighed.  
"Who was that?"  
"Gee," Frank looked at Ray, who had asked the question, "He wanted to know when I'll be home, and told me not to jump out of any windows."  
"Why'd you want to jump out of the window?"  
"Because this whole thing is making me go fucking mad. _This,"_ he jabbed a finger at the glass diving this room and the recording room, _"_ The whole hours-in-a-windowless-studio-playing-the-same-shit-over-and-over thing, is _not_ something I've missed."

\---*----  
  


Once Tim had finished recording his parts for the three songs that were going on the EP (which had taken just over an hour and no fewer than fourteen takes), the guy at the sound desk asked Frank to rerecord some vocal parts of two of the songs.  
He hadn't been happy about it but Ray had said that, even if Frank didn't have any issues with what he'd already recorded, some vocal layering would really add something to the songs, so he'd agreed to step back into the booth.

While he was in there recording some more parts for '10 Rings', everyone's attention in the other room was drawn away to the door. Frank couldn't see who, as the glass didn't extend that far, but he kept singing as he watched Ray stand up and greet someone.  
Ray came back into view, now holding a white takeaway coffee cup and pointing at Frank. He leaned down to the sound guy and asked something, but looked back up and signalled for Frank to carry on singing. He did, but he almost lost control of his breathing when suddenly, Gerard stepped over to Ray's side.

While Frank finished the song, he pulled off his headphones and strode over to the dividing door as fast as he could, pulling it open and finding Gerard stood waiting for him, holding two coffee cups.  
"Gee, what're you doing here?"  
Gerard smiled and held out one of the cups to Frank, which he gladly took.  
"You sounded like you were having a shit time so I thought I'd try cheering you up with coffee. Specifically," he nodded at the cup that Frank now held, "A soya chai latte. For the love of God, don't tell Terri I went to Starbucks; she'll crucify me."  
"You're too good to me," Frank grinned, smiling properly for what felt like the first time that day, "How'd you get here though? And how," he looked around the room, now noticing at everyone had a cup of coffee in a Starbucks takeaway cup, "Did you afford all these coffees?"  
"I got a taxi over, and I just got black coffee for the guys, because I don't know what their favourite Starbuck's orders are, which I bought it with _mone_ y," he smiled and nodded patronisingly, "You know, that I _earn,_ 'cause I'm an _adult_ with a _job_?"  
"Okay, okay," Frank laughed, gently pulling Gerard to him with an arm around his waist, "Sorry. But thank you, Gee. I already feel a whole lot better."  
"Good," he smiled and kissed Frank's cheek, "I just wanted to make sure you got through the last hour, unscathed."  
  


\---*---  
  


Eventually, Pencey Prep, plus Ray and Gerard, made it outside into the crisp November air. Ray said that they might get called in maybe once more to tidy up some rough edges on the recordings, but for now, the recording section of the process was done and dusted.  
Frank had driven to Silverflux, so he was driving himself and Gerard back home again. This was more than okay, though, as it made the half hour journey less lonely, and he could hear about Gerard's day.

"Have you been doing much, other than betraying Terri?" Frank smirked, Gerard smacking him gently in the arm.  
"Yes, actually. I, uh," he looked away out of the window for a moment, smiling to himself, "I have a consultation with a surgeon."  
"Really?" Frank could only glance at him, as he was driving, but he knew Gerard was both excited and nervous, "Baby, that's great! When's it for?"  
"The consultation is on January fifth, but if the consultation goes according to plan, then there's a date for the surgery, too."  
"When?"  
"A month later, February fifth."

Frank's excitement for Gerard suddenly dropped out of his stomach and was replaced with dread.  
"Gee," he frowned, scared by his own realisation, "Baby, I'm on tour until February fourth... I'll be on the other side of the state."


	40. Kitchen Sink

_"Go away  
_ _Leave me alone  
_ _Leave me alone  
_ _Don't leave me alone..."_   
**\-  Kitchen Sink, Twenty One Pilots**

 

* * *

 

"Wh- Really?"

Gerard sounded heartbroken, but Frank's mind was still whirring, trying to comprehend the situation.

"Yeah, the last show is in Bridgeton. It's, like, two and a half hours away."

"Couldn't you, like, drive back after the show?"

"Gee, I'm sorry, but be realistic," he glanced at Gerard, eyes still focused on the road, "It'll be the last night of tour, there _will_ be drinking, the guys will want me there, and even if I didn't drink, I won't have the car with me. I can't just get the tour bus driver to make a five hour round trip to drop me off. Isn't there some way you can book it for another day?"

"Frankie, I'm not going to do that," Frank could see from the corner of his eye that Gerard turned to look at him, seeming shocked and offended, "This is, as far as I'm concerned, the last step I need to take to be happy with myself. I'm on the right hormones, I've had my top surgery, and once I've had this hysterectomy and I've got my eggs saved, I can stop. I want this done as soon as possible, and these things have waiting lists. I got really fucking lucky, okay? I got lucky with _so_  much of my transition, and I got lucky with _you_  and now... now everything..." Gerard's voice started shaking with tears, his breathing becoming faster as he broke down, "Everything is... God, it's not _ruined_ , that's a selfish thing to think, but it's just... Ugh," he let out a sob, leaving Frank feeling totally useless, "Why does it have to be so hard? I don't wanna do this alone..."

"Whoa, Gee," Frank took a hand from the wheel and placed it on Gerard's knee, trying his best to comfort his boyfriend while he continued to drive, "Baby, you won't be alone. You're not in this alone, I promise. We still have plenty of time to figure all of this out."

"You've got me worrying now," Gerard's voice was getting louder now, the anger more obvious than the tears in his voice, "I don't... I don't want to have to go into the operating theatre without seeing you. I won't have seen you for three weeks!"

"You'll see me before you go in! I promise, baby," Frank reached a hand across the seats, meaning to lay it comfortingly on Gerard's knee, but Gerard moved his knees to the side, shifting his whole body so he was facing away from Frank.

"Thought you said you'd be on the other side of the state?"

Frank had never heard Gerard sound so pissed off. His words hit Frank like a baseball bat to the gut, guilt immediately rising in Frank's throat as his hands tightened on the steering wheel, not knowing what to do or say. He silently stammered for a moment, trying to get his bearings in the situation.

"W-We can talk every day? We can video chat from the venues? It's not like we'll have no contact..."

Frank's voice trailed off as he glanced back at Gerard, only to see he had his earphones in. He probably hadn't heard a word of what Frank had said.

The rest of the drive home was spent in silence. Frank hadn't even turned on the stereo for fear that Gerard would snap at him to turn it off. Things hadn't been so tense since they'd moved in together and Frank didn't want to endure anything like that again any time soon.

 

\---*---

 

The car engine wasn't even off before Gerard had unbuckled himself and gotten out of the car, leaving Frank to rush after him, calling his name and trying to get his attention. Frank dropped his keys as he'd gone to lock the car door, delaying him further, to the point where Gerard had already made it inside the apartment and slammed the door behind him by the time Frank even got into the building. 

He fumbled with his keys again, sighing from the ever-growing frustration as he got into the small hallways of their home.

"Gerard, come on, please... Let's just talk ab-"

He was interrupted by Gerard's lips suddenly pressed to his, the older man holding him shockingly tight and kissing him hard. Frank's first instinct was to kiss back, of course, until he felt a strange wetness on his cheeks. 

Pulling back as best he could, while still held in a vice-like grip, Frank saw that Gerard was crying. Not fresh new tears, either; his eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were blotchy, like he'd been crying for the whole car journey home.

"Gee, what's... what's wrong? What're you doing?"

Frank was perplexed as to why Gerard had ignored him for half an hour then suddenly thrown himself at him with no warning whatsoever.

"You know why I'm upset," Gerard spoke like nothing was wrong, pressing himself closer to Frank, "But I don't wanna talk about it right now, okay, I just want you."

"I... What? Gerard, you can't be-"

"Come on, Frankie," Gerard sniffled, clearly still crying but pretending that he wasn't as he threaded his fingers through Frank's hair, "I thought you liked it when I cry, I thought you thought I was pretty?"

Frank sighed, incredibly confused with the whole situation, "I do, Gee, I always think you're pretty, but I know you're upset right now. We need to talk about this-"

"No we don't," Gerard smiled, tears still rolling down his cheeks as he caressed Frank's jaw, pulling at his lip with his thumb, "We don't have to talk, we can just fuck. Please, Frankie, just... Make love to me? Tell me I'm pretty?"

"I-I'm not gonna do that, Gerard," Frank frowned, pushing Gerard's chest gently and wriggling out of his arms, "This isn't normal, you're never like this. Come on, let's sit down and talk about this."

Gerard just stood there, unmoving, staring at Frank as he decided what to do. Frank was almost expecting Gerard to grab him again and keep trying his luck, but was hoping that Gerard would back down and agree to talk about everything. Instead, Gerard yelled at him.

"Fucking fine! Whatever, I don't give a shit anymore!"

Without missing a beat, Gerard turned on his heel and headed for the bedroom, once again slamming the door behind him.  
Frank was still at a loss for what was going on, but was snapped out of his thoughts as he heard a loud dragging sound coming from behind the now closed door. Whatever was being moved was heavy, and it took Frank a moment to realise what Gerard was doing; he was barricading the door.

Frank ran over and tried the door handle, opening the door only to have it quickly slammed back in his face, followed by the sound of a large object being shoved against the other side.

"Gerard! what're you doing in there?"  
"You don't wanna talk, then fine. We're not gonna fucking talk. Leave me alone."  
"You can't stay in there all night!" Frank tried forcing the door open again, but just like before, it was pushed shut, "Why're you being like this?"

Frank tried the door again, but this time it didn't move at all.

This was the most confused he'd ever been. He'd never seen Gerard act like this before and had no idea if it was something that could be considered normal for him; he was worried, but annoyingly he was slightly aroused too, but he pushed that fact to the back of his mind.

There wasn't much he could do right now, other than make dinner and wait for Gerard to calm down and try talking later.

 

Being tired and worried, Frank just made pasta. Normally he'd cook while listening to music, or singing, or listening to Gerard quietly sing to himself in the living room, but this evening he cooked in silence, listening for any movement from the bedroom.

He heard nothing though. Not a sound. As much as the silence worried him, it also comforted him; at least Gerard wasn't throwing a fit and trashing the room, but it also meant Frank had no idea what he was doing.

He did go and try the door again, gently knocking and calling Gerard's name, but there was no response, no sound of movement, and the door still wouldn't budge.

Frank figure that he'd leave Gerard to his own thoughts for the night, and sleep on the couch. He didn't want to go forcing his way in and disturbing Gerard and causing more arguments.

He still had no idea why Gerard would be behaving like this; Frank understood why Gerard would be upset, that was fair enough and he was determined to be there for him if or when the tie came for his surgery. The part he couldn't understand was Gerard suddenly coming on to him in floods of tears, and then barricading himself in their bedroom and refusing to talk. Between the occasional bouts of depression, Gerard's stand-off-ish moments after his shots of testosterone, and the handful of panic attacks, this was the most out of character Gerard had ever been, and Frank needed to know why.

 

Sleeping on the couch that night was difficult. It was uncomfortable, Frank had too many thoughts racing around in his head, but worst of all was nit having Gerard sleeping beside him.


	41. I Miss You

_  
  
"Where are you?  
_ _And I'm so sorry  
_ _I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight..."_   
**\- I Miss You, blink-182**

 

* * *

 

 

Frank struggled to sleep that night. He really did. Four o'clock in the morning came and went and Frank decided to give up on sleep, but this didn't last long.

On his way to the kitchen, intending to make coffee and keep himself awake, Frank checked the bedroom door. Carefully opening it, it was still blocked by something, but he wasn't even going to attempt to open the door. Through the small gap in the door he could see Gerard sleeping, his back to the door, and  Frank knew that trying to force the door open would wake him up. As much as Frank wanted to talk to him, waking Gerard up at four in the morning was a terrible idea on any day and he really wanted to avoid any more arguing for as long as possible.

Coffee somehow made Frank even more tired, and he eventually passed out from exhaustion in the blue glow of the TV. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, his dreams making him feel stressed and afraid, but when he finally woke up, he couldn't recall anything he'd dreamt about.

He had no idea what time it was, other than it was dark outside. This told him nothing, because it stayed dark to late in the mornings and got dark so late at night. Pealing his still exhausted body off of the couch, Frank peered at the TV that was still playing in the corner and reached for the remote. The on screen TV guide told him that it was half past five in the afternoon.

Somehow, Frank had slept for almost thirteen hours. Rubbing his face with his palms, he managed to wake up a little bit more, when he remembered that Gerard should still be around. Stand up from the couch, he called Gerard's name through the apartment.

"Gee, are you there? Babe?" he wandered out into the hall, noting that all the lights were still turned off. He flicked the switches on the wall and lit up the hall, squinting in the light a little. The bedroom door was shut, but the bathroom door was open unlike it had been last night, meaning Gerard had been out at some point. 

Stepping across the hall to the bedroom door, Frank placed one hand on the wood, the other on the handle, and gently opened the door.

This time there was nothing in the way, confirming that Gerard had left the room since last night. But one glance at the bed told Frank that Gerard also hadn't returned to the room. 

The bed was made, and empty, like it hadn't even been slept in. Frank frowned and walked through to the kitchen, seeing Gerard's favourite mug in the sink, as well as a plate and knife.

"Gerard? Are you here?"

Frank knew full well that there wasn't anywhere else that he could be in the apartment, and he began to worry. Going back to the living room, he picked up his phone from the table and, seeing no texts or missed calls, he dialled Gerard's number.

It rang. It rang, and carried on ringing, until it clicked and Frank heard Gerard speak.

" _Hi, this is Gerard. I'm busy right now so leave a message."_

Frank sighed out of desperation but left a message anyway.

"Gee, where are you, I'm kinda worried. Please, call me."

Before he'd even had a chance to put his phone into his pocket, Frank's attention was grabbed by a noise at the front door. It took a moment for him to register the sounds as keys in the lock, by which time Gerard was already stepping inside and Frank was already walking towards him, ready to pull him into a hug.

Gerard's face read as surprise when he saw Frank rushing towards him, but Frank had no intentions of stopping. 

They collided, Frank wrapping his arms around Gerard's middle and burying his face in his neck. Gerard was, of course, caught off-guard, and didn't immediately hold Frank in return, but slowly his hands came down to rest around Frank's back.

"Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you answer you phone?"

"Whoa, Frankie... I-I'm sorry, I got called into work last minute. I left a note..."

"I didn't see any note when I woke up," Frank replied, voice muffled against Gerard's shoulder but still clear enough to understand, "I was scared you'd run off or something."

"Why would I run away?" Gerard was holding Frank just as tightly and Frank was holding him, the two of them frozen in this embrace.

"You were acting so strange last night, I-I couldn't... I was scared about you barricading yourself in like that, I didn't know  if you'd... do something stupid. I couldn't sleep..." Frank buried his face into Gerard's shoulder even more, breathing in the familiar scent of coffee, peppermint, and light musk, "Please, don't ever do that again."

"I-I won't, I'm sorry... I don't know why I was acting like that last night, I'm sorry for scaring you."

Frank moved his head away from Gerard's shoulder and looked him in the eye, not realising how much he'd missed those hazel eyes, how much he'd missed Gerard; _normal_  Gerard - no crying, no begging, no yelling.

"Come on," Frank said softly, reaching a hand up to stroke Gerard's cheek, "Let's go sit down, we've gotta talk about last night."

Frank took Gerard's hand and lead him through to the living room, but Gerard stopped before Frank could sit down.

"Can I get a drink first?" Gerard asked, still holding Frank's hand, "I haven't had a break since lunch."

Frank gave him a small smile and a squeeze of his hand, "Of course," he paused, still holding Gerard's hand, but quickly stepped forwards and kissed his cheek. He lingered for a moment, resting his forehead against Gerard's temple until he turned his head so they were nose to nose.

Gerard only squeezed his hand though, swiftly letting go and stepping away into the kitchen, leaving Frank stood alone again.

Sitting down on the couch while he listened to Gerard in the kitchen, Frank ran a hand through his hair. He could have easily cried in that moment; he was so tired and his emotions were running so high he didn't quite know what to do with himself.

A few minutes later, Gerard came back in with two drinks. He set one glass down on the table in front of Frank and smiled sheepishly.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want one too," he sat down, keeping his knees together and hands, still holding his own drink, close to his chest, "Sorry, I should have asked... Oh," he frowned, leaning down and picking something up off the floor, "Here's the note I left... It must have fallen under the table."

He passed it to Frank, who skimmed the scribbled note quickly;

' _Terri's called me in to work, I'll be back around 5  
_

_We can talk about last night then_

_G xx'_

 

Now, Frank felt stupid for worrying so much in the few minutes before Gerard had come home. Why had he panicked in the first place, it's not like Gerard would have run away without saying anything? He always left notes, and today was no exception.

"So," Frank started, "Good day?"

"It's been okay, same old work stuff," he shrugged and smiled awkwardly, "How's your day been?"

"I, uh, I've been asleep all day. I couldn't sleep last night but I guess I just... Passed out."

Gerard looked away, frowning to himself as he stared down into his drink.

"I'm sorry about how I was acting last night. I... I really don't know what came over me."

Frank sighed, "I'm not gonna lie and say it's all okay. You really worried me, especially when you blocked the door up. I'm not saying I thought you were gonna, like... Hurt yourself or something, but normally when someone wants to be alone, they just ask to be left alone."

Gerard shook his head, hair falling from behind his ear, "I know, and I'm really sorry for scaring you like that. I think I did just want to be alone..."

"Then what about the other stuff? I get why you'd be upset about me not being with you when you have your surgery, but," Frank hesitated, trying to word it in a way that wasn't weird, "But trying to get me into bed, while you were crying like that... It's just not normal."

"I just hate fighting with you!" Gerard burst out, looking up at frank again, finally, his eyes watery with tears, "I hate when we argue, and I just wanted to, like... I dunno, _defuse_  the situation. I know I was the one who was mad at you, and I shouldn't have been, but still..."

Frank frowned as Gerard curled in on himself again, still just as worried about his boyfriend as he'd been last night. He finally moved closer, putting an arm around Gerard's middle and drawing the two of them together.

"I missed you. I miss you last night and when I woke up," Frank said softly, his cheek resting against Gerard's shoulder, "I was worried about you, and I still am."

"I'm... I'm a bit worried about me, too," Gerard replied, sounding absolutely defeated, "I've not... I've been feeling weird recently. Like... not myself. I didn't think it was anything to worry about but I guess last night..." he sighed, "I'm just so tired and," he shrugged, "Not _sad_ , just like, the smallest thing makes me feel bad. Like earlier at work there was a woman who was just kinda snappy and it was probably nothing personal but I nearly could have cried."

"You're emotional, then?" Frank asked, hoping that that was the word Gerard was looking for.

"Yeah, I guess," Gerard shrugged, then shook his head, "I-it's just a recent thing, I think, but yeah... I'm just tired and emotional."

Frank frowned, moving his hand from Gerard's side to his back, rubbing slow soft circles over his spine. Thinking about it now, Gerard had been perhaps a little quieter than usual, but not much. He'd seemed so normal until last night, which is why it caught them both so off-guard.

"You've not, like, missed a T-shot or something, have you?"

Gerard shook his head again, "No, I have them all scheduled into my phone's calendar, I'd know if I missed one."

"Maybe it's... You know, like, another period?" Frank raised an eyebrow, hoping it wouldn't be an insensitive thing to ask.

Gerard suddenly stiffened, "Oh, _shit_ ," his head shot up, turning to look at Frank faster than Frank had ever seen him move. His eyes were wide with fear and his hands we holding the sides of his head; at any other time he might have looked comical, but the situation was too serious for comedy.

"Fuck, Frank..."

"What? What is it?"

Gerard was shaking, not just from under Frank's touch, but visible physically shaking.

"We don't use condoms, do we? We never do... Oh fuck. _Fuck_!"

Suddenly, Frank understood.

"No," he shook his head, partly in disbelief but mostly from sheer horror and denial, "You're not seriously thinking..."

But the look in Gerard's eyes was the most serious look he'd ever worn.

"There's no fucking way you're pregnant."


	42. Earthquake

__  
"But I've made this mess  


_I built this fire  
_

_Are you still mine?"_  

**\-  Earthquake, The Used**

* * *

 

Frank hadn't stopped shaking all evening, while Gerard had just been worryingly quiet and still, like he was in shock. It wouldn't surprise Frank if they were both in shock, really, but it hadn't stopped them from doing what they had to.

There was a drugstore not too far from their building, but they would still have to drive there, and Frank wasn't about to leave Gerard alone in the apartment. The both of them ended up bundling up against the cold, Gerard still seeming vacant as Frank panicked to gather together his phone, keys, and wallet as they headed out to the car.

The drive was silent, Frank constantly glancing at Gerard to check he was okay; it was hard to know, though, as he was slumped in his seat, staring at the passing street lights outside of the window. As much as he wanted to comfort Gerard, Frank had no idea what to say. He felt like anything he might say would just make things worse, whether it just ended up being the wrong thing to say, or it just upset Gerard even more.

So, they stayed quiet.

When they finally reached the drugstore, Frank calmly coordinated the two of them; Gerard was to remain in the car while Frank went in and bought a pregnancy test. He thought it would be strange enough for a man to be buying a pregnancy test, but two men would be stranger and neither of them were in the mood to be answering questions or even dealing with strange looks.

The range of pregnancy tests in this small drugstore was very small, and this was not something Frank had any experience with. His nerves were still one edge, so he was quickly picking up each brand and checking the information on the back with the intentions of buying whichever one would detect a pregnancy at the fewest weeks along.

After just a few minutes, he realised that, no matter the outcome, Gerard would probably have to see a doctor anyway so how much did a drugstore test really matter? 

Blessedly, the cashier said nothing about Frank's purchase. This may have been because they weren't talkative with their customers, but it could also have been down to the fact that Frank was still physically shaking as he pulled a twenty dollar note from his wallet and slid it over the counter, still riddled with horrible shock and worry as he waited for his change, the little blue and white box  rattling as it shook in his grip.

 

The drive home again was spent in silence, the little blue and white box spending the journing held loosely on Gerard's lap, gerard himself almost seemily to ignore its existence.

Now, the positives and negatives of every outcome of every possible situation were being weighed up in Frank's mind as he stood outside of the bathroom door, waiting for Gerard to unlock the latch, step out, and tell him what little lines had appeared on that white plastic stick. 

Every time he heard movement from beyond the door, his heart was in his throat, mind racing at a million miles a minute. What if it's negative? Is that good? Should he be happy? Should he wait to see Gerard's reaction? If Gerard comes out smiling, does that mean it's negative, or positive? What if he's crying?

 

The lock of the door clicked, and Frank's vision swam for a moment as he stood up straight, expecting the worst... Whatever that may be.

Frank didn't have a chance to gauge Gerard's facial expression before he'd stepped across the small hallway and buried his head against Frank's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his middle tighter than he'd ever clung to Frank before.

Frank held him in return, just as tightly, no idea what this meant and no idea what to say or what else to do.

Gerard said something, but it was muffled against Frank's neck.

Frank swallowed hard, trying to steady his breathing as he asked, "Say that again?"

Gerard lifted his head, eyes shining and wide and brimming with unfallen tears.

"It's negative," he breathed, taking another short breath exhaled as a sigh, before smiling, "It's negative."

Frank swore quietly and grabbed hold of Gerard again, hugging him even tighter and and rocking the both of them from side to side.

This was relief. Pure relief and gratitude to the universe, as Frank continued to curse under his breath, unable to articulate his feelings in any other way. Gerard seemed to be shaking in his arms, and Frank couldn't be sure that he wasn't shaking too.

"Come on," Frank sighed, running his hand up and down Gerard's back as he pulled away from the hug a little, "Let's go sit down."

Frank went to move towards the living room, but Gerard held him in place and shook his head.

"Can we go to bed? Please, I'm just... I'm exhausted."

Frank smiled sadly, running his hand through Gerard's hair and kissing his cheek, "Sure, do you want me to get you a drink or something?"

He nodded, muttering a soft, "Coffee, please," before shuffling through to the bedroom. Frank watched as he did, making sure the door was wide open and Gerard was settled on the bed before going through to the kitchen, not wanting to get barricaded outside again.

 

 

Gently placing the hot mug on the nightstand, Frank smiled at Gerard as he shifted on the sheets to make space beside for him to lay down. Gerard's hair was looking more tangled now that it was laid stark against the red pillowcase, and his eyes seemed to match the cotton. He was still wearing his slightly tear-stained work shirt, the top few buttons undone, leaving him looking tired and dishevelled, but still beautiful.

Frank lay down beside him, the two of them as close together as was comfortable, and lay his hand over Gerard's hip. Gerard smiled softly as Frank rested their foreheads together and they both relaxed into the mattress.

"I'm sorry," Frank sighed, shutting his eyes.

"Why are you sorry? You haven't done anything wrong," Gerard nudged his nose against Frank's, "In fact, you've done everything right. I would never... I didn't ever want to be in that situation, and I hate that I scared you like that."

"It's okay baby, you don't have to be sorry either. I _was_ scared, but you must have been fucking terrified."

"I was, and I know I should still see a doctor, but you handled things so amazingly... I don't know what I would have done without you."  
Frank couldn't help but smile a little, "Well, we wouldn't have been in this mess, for starters..."

Gerard laughed and hit Frank's arm playfully, "Sshh, I mean if I'd, like, thought I was pregnant but you weren't around. Like, if you'd been at work and I just started freaking out."

"That didn't happen though, and everything's okay. As fucking scary as that was, I'm glad I was here, I don't even wanna think about you dealing with that on your own."

Gerard shuffled closer, tucking his head against Frank's chest and curling against the smaller man, needing security and comfort. Frank gladly obliged, stroking his hand up and down Gerard's back for a few moments before letting it rest between his shoulderblades. He kissed the top of Gerard's head, feeling his sigh happily under the touch, as Frank muttered into his hair,

"I love you so much, Gee."

"I love you too," Gerard replied softly, but his words seemed cut-off, like he was about to say something else. Frank kissed his head again and spoke.  
"What is it?"

"Just... Nothing important," Gerard replied bashfully, "It's kinda silly."  
"You wanna tell me?" Frank smiled, knowing that 'silly' usually meant 'soppy and sentimental', "You don't have to if you don't wanna."

"No, it's just..." Gerard sighed, "I don't ever want to be pregnant. I'm a man, it's not something I can imagine doing, you know? A-And I know there was that couple who're both trans, and they decided to have their children naturally and the husband carried the babies. _Twice_. But I just... I couldn't. When I had that moment of 'what if' I just... Shut down. You saw how I was. I just couldn't comprehend that idea, it would feel... _wrong_ to me. But even through all this, like, panic, and even now, I still want children. I don't want to carry them and give birth to them, but I wanna have children that are biologically mine, with my eyes, or my smile, or... Or your hair."

Frank felt his heart jump inside his chest, and he was sure Gerard could have felt it too. He froze, not knowing what to say or do in response. The both fell silent for a few moments, Gerard feeling tense against Frank's body. 

Of course, Frank knew that gerard wanted to have children, it's something he'd been worrying over for a good few months now, but they'd never spoken about the idea of having children together. They'd only been together for a year, it was far too early to be considering something like that.

But that was just his first response to Gerard's words, a panic response. Underneath it all, he felt differently; he was flattered and utterly enamoured of Gerard's words. When they'd been driving to the drugstore, Frank knew that Gerard wouldn't want to be pregnant, but Frank found that he couldn't have minded if the test had come back positive, and if Gerard had chosen to keep the baby. Hell, Frank would have been happy about it, but the realisation of this sent his heart into another fit of pounding against his ribs.

"I-I'm sorry," Gerard started again, "That was probably way too much, I-I'm just still, you know, emotional, I guess. Just ignore what i said..."

"No... No, Gee," Frank closed his eyes and moved his mouth so he was sure Gerard could hear him clearly, "It's okay. This was... This was scary, and we're not ready for kids right now, that's for sure, but... I want my kids to have your eyes and my hair too."

Gerard moved his head back onto the pillow, nose to nose with Frank, and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his boyfriend's lips. Frank pulled Gerard closer as his hands found the front of Frank's shirt and held onto him tightly. 

The kiss didn't last too long, but long enough to leave them both smiling. Frank began to realise that the room was far too cold without Gerard pressed against him, and made the suggestion to move the bed covers to the living room couch and cuddle up there; it was still early in the evening and, although they were both tired, they were also hungry.

After calling for takeout food, the two men were happily settled in front of the TV, Gerard laid down on the couch with his head on Frank's lap, the younger man's hands playing with his hair.

"I really don't wanna have to call the doctor tomorrow," Gerard mused, sounding annoyed but still relaxed.

"I know, but it's just to be one hundred percent sure, you know?"

"I know. Still sucks though."

"I mean, realistically, the chances of that test being wrong is only like, zero point one percent or something, but it's better to be safe than sorry."

"Speaking of being safe," Gerard laughed, "Between now and me getting a hysterectomy, we're not having sex without a condom."

Frank laughed, just from how blunt Gerard had been, but nodded, "Of course."

 


	43. We're Breaking Up

"It's the same way that it's always been,   
the dynamic to the relationship never changes.  
You can't get what you want from me, and I can't get what I need from you"

\- We're Breaking Up, Against Me!

 

________________________________________ 

 

The next month passed far too fast for Frank to comprehend, though each individual day seemed to drag by.

For him, he worked four days a week, spent two full days at Silverflux's studios, recording, rehearsing, mixing music and planning tours. He had one day a week to himself, but it was never just to himself, it was always with Gerard.

He didn't resent that fact, though; on the nights were he had to stay last at the studios, he was always wanting nothing more than to be cuddled up with Gerard in front of a film, or even just sleeping next to him in bed.

But when Frank was forced to spend so much time around other people, sometimes he just wanted time alone.

Gerard, though he'd said he completely understood, was always texting Frank, leaving notes around the house or in his guitar case, saying he hoped Frank had a good day, and that he'd miss him. Frank felt like Gerard told him he missed him more than he said he loved him these days.

Everything had been so busy, they'd barely celebrated his birthday; Frank's bandmates had taken him out for drinks, but he'd turned home after two hours, tipsy, and wanting Gerard's affection. Their first anniversary went a similar way; the two of them went out for a meal, both got a little tipsy, and ended up in bed having very clumsy, giggle sex. They'd admitted the next morning that they wouldn't have wanted the night to go any other way.

Thanksgiving had been a strange affair, with Frank's mother wanting to see the both of them, as well as Mikey and Alicia, and even Gerard's mother. It ended up being that Gerard and Frank had dinner with Frank's mother, evening drinks with Mikey and Alicia, and their mother Donna made a 'passing visit' where she ended up staying for a few hours.

Though no one directly said anything about it, Gerard, Mikey, and Donna seemed to hint at their joint disappointment about not being able to have Thanksgiving dinner as a family because of Mikey and Gerard's father, but the evening passed without incident. Gerard and Frank even stayed the night there, finding another thing to be thankful for - paid holiday from work.

But once Frank was back at work and rehearsals, and Gerard was back to missing him terribly, things sped up again. Work was a drag, rehearsals were repetitive, and Frank could not savour his time with Gerard enough.

"Please, just call in sick tomorrow," Gerard cooed, the two of them curled up on the couch one evening, "Just one day can't hurt. Please...?"

Frank was almost too relaxed to acknowledge what Gerard was asking. He'd been working all day, he'd have another day of work in the morning, then a day of rehearsals before he finally got another day off. Gerard was tucked up against Frank's side, one hand tracking the lines of Frank's stomach tattoo that was peeking out from under his tshirt.

"Hmm... Gee, you know I would if I could, but it's so busy in the shop, it's so close to Christmas, I just can't."

"Please... Call in sick, they've gotta let you have a sick day."

"They probably would, but I'd feel bad about it."

"Frankie," Gerard sat up a little, his hand still resting on Frank's bare lower stomach, "I know I've been complaining about it for weeks, but I miss you. I miss you a lot. We barely do anything together anymore because you're always tired because you get one day off a week."

"I can't take a day off for the sake of it."

"It won't be just for the sake of it," Gerard sat up properly now, looking slightly down at Frank, "It's so we can spend time together, and I don't mean spend all day inside watching TV or whatever. We can go out, go to a cafe, see a film, something like that... You know, actually spend some time together."

It seemed to dawn on Frank in that moment that, aside from their anniversary meal weeks ago, they didn't go out anymore. They'd never really gone on many 'dates' when they'd first got together either, and Frank began to feel like he really owed Gerard a nice day out. Still, he couldn't in good conscience skip work when he knew it was going to be so busy.

"I'm sorry Gee, I have to work. We can do something special on my day off though, I promise."

"Fine," Gerard said plainly, sitting up and moving away from Frank. It clearly wasn't fine though as he said nothing else and didn't move back to his place against Frank's side. After a while of uncomfortable silence, Gerard started messing with his phone. Frank wasn't nosy enough to ask what he was doing, or who was texting him, but when Gerard's phone started ringing and he answered immediately and stood up and walked away, Frank was immediately intrigued, and slightly concerned.

As he heard the bedroom door shut, with more force than normal, he knew he'd done something wrong. 

Gerard never asked anything of him, just understanding and love. He fact he's so desperately asked for Frank to take just one day off made him worry that something was wrong, the way he'd just walked off only adding to that feeling.

Gerard had had a few moments that he described as 'wobbly' since the incident where he'd barricaded himself in their bedroom, and after seeing a doctor he'd been given pills for anxiety. Sometimes they made him feel sick, but they helped. 

Still, the 'wobbly' moments happened, and bad moods were frequent. Gerard always said he was fine though, and put it down to the frequent doses of testosterone, which were now at regular intervals of a week between each rather than the spaced-out doses he'd had when he'd had to hide from his parents.

But Frank knew that he himself had caused Gerard's current bad mood, and needed to put it right.

He stood up and walked through to the kitchen, pulling out one of the chairs from the table and opening up his laptop.

First he emailed his boss, then he started looking for somewhere special to take Gerard in the morning.

\---*---

When Frank had gone to bed that night, Gerard was asleep but the atmosphere in the room had been strange, like Gerard's bad mood had stayed awake and waited up for Frank.

Gerard had been on the far side of the bed, one arm hanging over the edge, as far from Frank as he could manage, but in the morning, he'd curled himself around Frank's body, an arm around his chest and their legs tangled.

It was blissful and, for a few moments after Frank had woken up, it was like nothing had happened.

Then he remembered that Gerard was silently pissed with him, regardless of the fact he'd found his way across to Frank's side of the bed, and he had a lot of making it up to him to do.

He tried to gently wriggle out of Gerard's grip, but as soon as he moved, Gerard's arm tightened around him and held him closer. He smiled, but tried again, rolling out from under his arm and almost slipping onto the floor. He caught himself though, and, making sure Gerard was still soundly asleep, crept out to the kitchen.

He started making coffee, turned on the hob, and opened up his laptop, double checking all the tabs he had open to make sure his plan for the day could still go ahead. Next, he picked up his phone. Practicing a fake sore throat for a few moments, he called the shop, doing his best to sound ill as he explained that he was sick and couldn't come in to work today, lying through his teeth.

Once everything seemed to be in order, he made pancakes. He knew Gerard loved pancakes, especially with syrup, so was hoping that a breakfast in bed of syrupy pancakes with coffee would get rid of any of Gerard's lingering bad mood.

Gerard was still sleeping, so he put down the plate and mug on the bedside table, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Frank gently ran his fingers through Gerard's hair, softly speaking and waking him up as carefully as he could.

He shifted in his sleep, turning his head and nuzzling it against Frank's hand, smiling and stretching his limbs under the covers. He rolled onto his back and turned his head in the direction of Frank's voice, blinking a few times and squinting at Frank in the light.

"Frankie..."

"Good morning baby," he smiled, unable to not smile at how beautiful he looked in the mornings, "I made you breakfast."

"Hm?"

"Breakfast," Frank laughed softly, endeared by how sleepy he was, "I made you pancakes."

"I... whu..." Gerard struggled to sit up, the covers slipping down his chest as he propped himself up against the headboard, "Why?"

"Because. I know I upset you yesterday and I felt really bad about it, and I still feel bad, so I want to make it up to you."

Gerard rubbed his eyes and smiled, reaching out and gently holding onto Frank's t-shirt.

"You didn't have to do that," he said hoarsely, then looked up at the window, "What's the time, aren't you gonna be late for work?"

"It's about eleven-ish, and no," Frank shook his head and smiled, "I've called in sick. I have our whole day planned, just like you wanted."

As Gerard realised what he was saying, Frank's heart swelled and took hold of Gerard's hands, continuing with, "I know I haven't had much free time recently, and we'd not been spending as much time together, so I want to make it up to you."

"Frankie, you don't have to d-"

"I want to, because I love you, and I don't want you thinking I don't care."

Gerard smiled, but it was a sad kind of smile, like he felt bad too. He probably did, but Frank wasn't about to let him apologise for his bad mood or anything like that. He was rightfully annoyed and now it was Frank's chance to put things right.

"So," Frank carried on, "I've made you pancakes and coffee, just the way you like them, and I have our whole day planned, but it's all surprises. So just... Let's have breakfast, get ready, and have fun."

Gerard reached across and kissed Frank, stroking his cheek softly and leaning in as close as he could. It was as much physical love and affection as he could manage that soon after waking up, but it was good enough for Frank.

"I love you."  
"I love you too, Gee. Now, I'm gonna go get my breakfast, I'll be back in a sec."

As they ate, Gerard pestered Frank to give him hints about the day, but he wasn't giving in. The more Gerard pleaded, he more Frank laughed and told him to give it up. He knew Gerard would love what they were going to do, and thought it was cute to watch him guess, so he wanted to keep it all a complete surprise, just as he'd planned.

"No hints, no clues. I said it was a surprise and it's gonna stay a surprise," Frank leaned down and kissed Gerard's forehead, picking up their empty plates and heading towards the door, "I'm gonna jump in the shower, 'kay? Oh," he paused before leaving the room, looking back at Gerard who was still curled up in the bed sheet, cradling his cup of coffee, "If you're gonna get dressed while I'm in there, pick something warm."

Gerard raised an eyebrow, smiling excitedly "Is that a clue?"

Frank's mouth curled up at one corner as he stood in the doorway, "Maybe, or maybe I just don't want you to be cold."  
Gerard raised a suspicious eyebrow, but Frank didn't say anything else. It was fun to leave him in suspense, and it just made the surprise even better.

\---*---

Frank had so much planned and crammed into the day, by the time they got home they were both exhausted and ready to sleep.

They'd gone ice skating in the morning and, just like he'd assumed, they were both terrible. Gerard confessed that he'd never been skating before, as had Frank, and they'd both spent most of their time at the rink holding onto the edges to stop themselves falling over. It hadn't prevented some rather impressive bruises though.

Afterwards they'd gone to a cute little cafe Frank had found, settled right between the ice rink and their next destination; the cinema. Frank had made sure there was something on that Gerard would like to see, which ended up being an apocalypse adventure that involved a lot of fighting in mechanical armor. It ended up being a really good film, and Frank enjoyed it, too.   
They went for a meal after, and while Frank did have a few places in mind he of course let Gerard choose.

They ended up at a Japanese restaurant, one that Frank hadn't even known about, let alone been to. It was pretty, with orchids at every table, warm orange lights, and even a little conveyor carrying dishes of sushi going around the open kitchen. It was rather cool in Frank's opinion, and the food was incredible. Gerard got vegetable miso soup, and Frank got the same, seeing as he didn't know the menu and Gerard said that miso soup was good. Frank asked if Gerard had been here before; he said no, he'd just been meaning to, and that he really liked miso soup.

When they got home, both of them immediately got changed into their sleep clothes and Frank made them hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows and all. Just because the day was over, it didn't mean he would stop spoiling Gerard.

As they settled on the couch, Frank couldn't have been happier, but something didn't seem quite right with Gerard.

"You okay, babe?"   
"I... Yeah, I'm fine," he replied, not sounding too convincing.   
Frank reached up from where he had his arm around Gerard and stroked his fingers through his hair, "Are you sure?"   
He shifted a bit, resting his head against Frank's shoulder and sighing heavily. There was clearly something on his mind and Frank really hoped he wouldn't lie again.   
"I'm... No. I'm not sure. I'm... We need to talk."   
All happiness from the day left Frank's system as his stomach dropped. Gerard probably felt the way his heart jolted but he tried to pretend like he was fine. He kept gently twisting Gerard's hair around his fingers as he asked, "What is it?"   
Gerard sat up from their cuddled position and,without looking up at Frank, slowly got out his words.

"I, uh... After last night, and just... Everything that's going on, with you and the band, 'n just me in general... I think, uh... I-I think we need a break."

If what Frank had felt before was his stomach dropping, what he felt now must have been his heart shattering. He went cold, and numb, and his head suddenly felt heavy and dizzy.

He had no idea what to say, or if he should say anything pr why Gerard would suggest this. After he amazing day they'd had this was the last thing he'd ever expected.

"I... Wh..."

"Please don't freak out, Frankie, okay? Just... I need to explain."

Frank leaned away from gerard and took his arm back from around his shoulders. He was scared and couldn't help the tears pricking at his eyes as he completely ignored Gerard's request to listen and instead started talking.  
"A-are you... Y-you're not breaking up with me? Are you? Is this a break-up?"

"No! Frank, please, listen to me..."

Gerard moved away and sat at the end of the couch, legs cross and facing Frank. Though he wasn't tearful, he looked as scared as Frank felt. He couldn't make eye contact, and honestly Frank didn't want to look him in the eyes for fear he'd cry; for fear he'd he wouldn't see any love there anymore.

"Last night... It just made me realise that I'm, like, too dependant on you. You're the only person I spend time with aside from Mikey and people at work and... I don't think it's good for me. Or you. Either of us."

"S-so what do, uh," Frank was trying to stop his voice from shaking, not wanting to look up from where his hands were fidgetting in his lap, "What do you want to do?"

"I've spoken to Mikey," his voice was quiet, not soft but fragile, like he might cry too, "He's said I can stay with him for a little while. I was thinking until... Uh, until you're back from tour, and maybe until I'm healed from surgery. I'll need a lot of care and i-if you're gonna be busy with stuff, I don't want to get in the way."

Frank reached across and took hold of Gerard's hand. He didn't pull his hand away thankfully, but he didn't hold Frank's hand back.

"You wouldn't be in the way! You're not some kind of burden, Gerard, I... I love you."  
"And I love you too, but I'll be going for surgery the day after you finish a tour on the other side of the state. You deserve time to recover and I'll be needing care for six weeks. At least."

"I can look after you, I swear I can."  
"I know you can," he laughed sadly, "But I need... I need time away from you. You've been there for me since I moved here, but I've not... I don't have friends. I spend all of my social time with you, but you... You have friends. You go out for drinks, you go to band practice, you have a social life, and I'm... Honestly, I'm jealous. I feel like I've gotten kinda clingy the last couple of weeks, and you don't deserve that."

Finally, he looked up at Frank. There were tears on his face and a thickness to his voice, but he managed to smile as he linked his fingers with Frank's.

"This isn't a break up, okay. I love you, which is why we've gotta take a break. You should be allowed to do what you have to without having to worry about me, and I need time to learn to be by myself."

They both let their tears fall, crying silently for a few moments until Frank said, "I love you too."

"You get why I think we need to do this, right?"  
"I do, yeah. I didn't... You should have said something before now."  
"I wanted to, but I didn't know how," he held Frank hand in both of his own, rubbing his thumbs over Frank's knuckles, "Do you... Do you think it's a good idea?"

"If it's what you want to do, then yeah."  
"It's not just about me though. Are you gonna be okay with it?"

Frank thought for a moment about what it would be like; waking up alone, no one waiting for him to come home... Christmas alone. The thought made him even more miserable, and he needed to ask Gerard one thing.  
"Can we still see each other? Just, for coffee now and then?"

Gerard laughed, sniffing back tears and nodding, "Yeah, of course we can! I'm not saying we need to cut off contact completely, just... Take some time apart."

"I guess it's... Okay. Yeah, if you think this is what's best for us, then I trust you."

Gerard unfolded his legs and crawled across the couch, wrapping himself around Frank and resting his head against his shoulder.

"I know this is gonna be difficult, but it's the right thing to do."  
"How much longer are you staying?"

"I'm moving my stuff tomorrow. I... I started packing last night. I was upset and just... I wanted to get it over with."  
They fell into silence again for a little while, and while they both knew there was a lot more that needed to be said, they'd rather just enjoy each others company for now. Gerard settled himself closer against Frank, straddling his lap, the two of them holding each other close.

All Frank wanted to do was breath him in, memorise every last thing about Gerard for fear things wouldn't ever be like this again. He couldn't help thinking like that, but maybe that was proof that really did need to take time apart.

"Frankie?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to go to bed?"  
"I guess so, yeah."

Gerard sat back and looked Frank in the eye, stroking his cheek softly.

"We're gonna be fine, baby. We're gonna be better than fine."

Frank tilted his head and moved Gerard's hand from his face, pulling him in for a hug and holding him tightly, burying his face in his shoulder.

"It's for the best."


	44. Sleep

_"I read the warning sign  
_

_You said I'd be alright  
_

_Left on my own  
_

_I don't wanna sleep "_

**-  Sleep, Royal Blood**

 

It only took one day to move what Gerard needed from their apartment to Mikey's place, and the whole thing felt solemn. They way Gerard talked about what he needed to take with him, and what would be okay to leave behind was very matter of fact, no emotion in his voice. Frank was the same, just letting him get on with it and doing anything that was asked of him. Gerard took most of his clothes, his art supplies, a few books and CDs that had found homes on Frank's bookcases, and all his stuff from the bathroom cabinet.

Frank asked if he'd have enough space, and said it would be fine for him to come by now and then to pick up or drop off stuff; really, he just hoped that Gerard would visit often.

 Once the car was unpacked, there was an awkward while where no one was really sure what to say. Alicia offered to make coffee for everyone, but Frank didn't want to hang around too long. Gerard said it would be best if they didn't see each other for a few days, but that Frank should text him some time. Dumbly, he nodded and agreed, even thought that was the last thing he wanted. 

When Frank got home, the painful mix of emotions from the last few days  met its crescendo, and he went numb. The missing jackets in the hallway, the gaps on the bookcase, the lack of Gerard's smell in the apartment was enough to make it feel empty to him.

All he could do was sleep. He slept all through the afternoon, and all the way through the night, sticking to his side of the bed despite having the whole mattress to himself for the first time in months.

 

\---*---

 

As hard as it had been for Frank to deal with someone always being in his space and not having a moment to himself, it was even hard being completely alone again. He was on his own schedule again, with no one else's to go by, and things devolved far quicker than he had expected.

The week went too fast and too slow at the same time as Frank was left feeling completely out of it. Work and rehearsals and meetings dragged by, Frank having no energy for either, but when he finally got home in no time it was eleven o'clock at night and he still hadn't eaten since lunch. Even his bandmates and Ray had noticed he wasn't quite right, but he tried his best to carry on like usual.

Four in the afternoon, and it was time for rehearsals again. Frank had been working that morning and had three coffee's since nine o'clock, and was just about ready to sleep. Considering he could easily work 'til five in the afternoon having only had two coffees, it was safe to say he was beyond tired.

While the others were tuning their guitars, setting up drums, and wrangling all the loose cables, Frank was sat in the corner, no longer able to stop his head from dropping back and forth as he fought sleep.

He wanted to stay awake; not because he wanted to rehearse, he just didn't want to let the others down.

He did a mental countdown, ' _On three, you're gonna stand up, walk over to the mic stand, and pick up your guitar. Stand up... On three. One... Two..."_

He didn't even reach three before he was out, head slumped forward, chin on chest, and completely unconscious.

It was probably only seconds before Ray was in his face, clapping and yelling, "Wake up!"

Frank jolted awake so hard that he smacked the back of his head on the wall, leaving his brain feeling like it was rattling around inside his skull as he looked up, bleary eyed, at Ray.

"Dude..."

"You can't sleep in here," he frowned and crouched in front of Frank, still not quite on Frank's eye level, "First, rehearsals need to happen, and second, it can't be comfortable down there."

Frank sighed and, taking a deep breath, started pulling himself to his feet. He gently shoved Ray out of his way, making a beeline for the mic stand, but was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder.

"No, Frank. Go in the other room, have a lie down on the sofa," Ray's voice was calm but firm. He wasn't making a suggesting, he was  _telling_ Frank, "I can drive you back later."  
"Bu... Rehearsals?"  
"Not tonight, you sit this one out."

Frank looked at the other guys, who all either shrugged or looked away. They all knew he was a mess but no one knew what to do; none of them had ever been like this during any of their breakups, and Gerard hadn't even broken up with Frank. He wasn't really surprised that no one knew what to do with him when he was being this overdramatic.

With a single nod to the others, Frank turned and headed to the door and out into the sound desk room, making a beeline for the couch. It was one of the only times he was thankful for his below-average height, as he curled up on the two-seater couch and almost immediately passed out.

 

\---*---

 

He couldn't have been asleep for more than fifteen minutes when Frank felt someone shaking his shoulder and calling his name. For a heartstopping, hopeful, and stupid moment, he thought it might have been Gerard, but even in his bleary-eyed and half-awake state he knew that that voice and that hair did not belong to Gerard.

"Come on," Ray said softly, "We gotta go."

"Hm," Frank made a noise of acknowledgement and rolled over onto his back, stretching out his arms and yawning before mumbling, "'S over?"

"Yeah, you've been asleep for like two hours. The guys have already packed up and gone."

"Really?"

Ray stood up and held out a hand to Frank, which he gladly took as he struggled to his feet, "I'm surprised they didn't wake you up, the way they were swinging those cases around."

"Yeah, they're all serial guitar abusers," Frank rubbed his eye and looked up at the clock on the wall; he really had been asleep for a while, over two hours, but he felt just as drained as before and seriously needed to get home.

"Le's go then," he shuffled towards the way out, checking his pockets for his keys and phone as he let Ray steer him by his shoulder. He knew the studios okay enough,  but not well, and certainly not well enough to find his way out when he was this tired.

It was cold and mizzly outside, the air filled with something between rain and mist that looked like clouds beneath the streetlights of the parking lot. Ray set the windscreen wipers going as soon as he started the car, the headlights catching the swirling fog as they pulled out of the lot and onto the highway.

Frank could never sleep on car rides, even as a kid, and now was no different. Instead, he settled with staring at the tail lights of the car in front, the headlights in the other lane flickering past in his peripheral vision as his head nodded with each bump in the road.

Finally, Ray broke the silence.

"Are you okay?"

Frank sniffed, "Yeah, 'm just tired."

"No, I mean," Ray sighed and glanced at Frank, eyes returning to the road quickly, "Are you okay, are you coping?"

He had to think for a few moments; to lie, to tell the truth, or a half truth, and try to avoid the inevitable conversation.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know, man."

Frank rubbed his eyes and looked at Ray. His expression was pained and pitiful, and Frank hated it. He didn't want pity, and he didn't need anyone fretting over him and his wellbeing.

"Look," Ray started, making Frank roll his eyes; whatever Ray was about to say, he didn't need or want to hear it, "I know our friendship is more... Business based, these days, but you're still my friend. I was there for you in highschool and I'm here for you now. I know you might not want to talk to the others about what's going on but, like, you can talk to me. If you want to."

He did want to. He wanted to talk to someone, but he thought Ray might be too close to home to tell him how he was feeling. He'd have to see Ray almost every day for the next two or three months, knowing that he knew how cut-up Frank was over this one little thing.

But right now, Frank was tired, and easy to crack.

"I just... I dunno," he slid lower in his seat and looked at Ray, who was still focused on the road but was clearly listening, "I feel like I'm totally overreacting to Gerard moving out. It's not like we've split up or anything, we're just taking time to do our own thing. It makes total sense, but..." he trailed off. He didn't know how to word it without sounding like a stupid lovesick teenager. Ray filled in the blank with a question.

"Was that the exact reason? How did he put it?"

"He said he felt like he was too dependent on me. He's known me since the day he moved to town, and with the tour coming up and stuff, he wants to be able to , like, let me do my own thing without worrying about him, and he wants to kinda gain some independence. Which... I get it. Like, I understand, and it makes sense, but since he left... I've been a mess."

Ray frowned, still staring ahead, "So it's been more than just not sleeping?"

"I'm not sleeping, I'm forgetting to eat, I'm just trying to get stuff done but it's not like I wanna  _do_  any of it. Not even rehearsals. It's just another thing that I've gotta do and it doesn't matter how I'm feeling 'cause there's other people relying on me... I'm not even listening to music or watching films or doing any writing or anything, I'm just, fucking... I get home and I put the TV on and I just zone out. It's like... It's not like I'm fucking dead inside or something, it's more like I'm dead  _outside_  and I'm just stuck inside my head. I fucking hate it."

Silence fell again, Frank having nothing more to add as he watched Ray frown, taking in his words. An instant sense of regret came over Frank; he shouldn't have said anything. It was too much and now he was just being a burden to Ray. He didn't have any of the answers, he couldn't do anything. Frank didn't  _want_  him to do anything anyway, but now Ray was probably feeling like he had to do something to help. A problem shared was a problem halved, but now it was just burdening two people.

"Frank," Ray's frown deepened as he took one hand from the wheel and scratched his neck, "I'm not a doctor or anything, but that all sounds a lot like depression."

"Fuck off, I'm not depressed."

"No really, I went through, like, the exact same thing after college. I got my degree and then I had no idea what to do with my life. I didn't have any coursework to do, or deadlines to meet, or grades to achieve. It was like there wasn't a point to anything, and I just kinda... Gave up. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed. I really wanted to get stuff done, and it wasn't like I didn't have the time to do them, I just had no mental energy. And then I wouldn't be able to sleep til like six AM and then I'd wake up at four PM and the whole day would be wasted. I ended up going to the doctor just because of my sleep but," he shrugged, "Turned out it was depression. I went to therapy, took up some hobbies to keep an exciting schedule... That's what landed me at Silver Flux. I started playing guitar and doing sound for open mic nights at a bar and one of Silver Flux's producers spotted me, picked me up, and gave me a job. I'm not saying that thing's will be as miraculous as that for you, but still..." he glanced at Frank as he turned off the highway, smiling sadly, "You don't want to let things get so bad that there's not a person for Gerard to come back to."

Frank looked at him, still sceptical of the idea that he suddenly had depression. He shuffled around, adjusting his seat belt and looking out of the window at the amber lit streets blurring past. What Ray said he'd felt, the lack of energy and seeing no point or end goal to anything, was pretty much what he was feeling now; Gerard was gone temporarily, but when would he be back? What about when tour was over, what then? There was no certainty to anything and Frank felt like he was drifting aimlessly, unable to control anything and only being able to hope they turned out at least a little bit okay. 

Ray sighed at the silence, "Nothing bad will happen if you see a doctor. Things can only get better."

Frank frowned, still not convinced, but he shrugged and replied, "Fine, I guess I can get an appointment."

 

Strangely, after finally talking to someone about what was going on - even if it was Ray, and even if he felt like a burden afterwards - Frank had the first solid nights sleep that he'd had in a week.


	45. Sick of Losing Soulmates

_"What the hell would I be, without you?  
_

_Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth"_

_**-  Dodie, Sick of Losing Soulmates** _

 

 

When Frank saw Gerard's name light up his phone screen, his heart was immediately in his mouth. He'd never had anxiety over phone calls before, but seeing as he hadn't spoken to Gerard in nearly two weeks, he was pretty anxious.

Hand shaking, he answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Frankie," he could hear the smile in Gerard's voice, "You okay?"

"Hi- Hi Gee," he tried not to let his shakes show in his voice, "I'm... Okay. How are you?"  
"Are you sure you're okay? You haven't texted or called, I haven't heard anything from you in over a week, I've been worried."

Frank opened and closed his mouth a few times, eventually managing, "Uh, yeah. Yeah."

"Frank, is everything okay?"

If he couldn't even manage to lie to Ray, he stood no chance of keeping the truth from Gerard. He hadn't managed to see a doctor yet either, so his emotions were still bottled up like a shaken up soda - Talking to Ray had released some pressure but he hadn't removed the lid all the way just yet.

"It's... Things have been weird. Like, not good."

"What do you mean?" 

Frank felt pretty bad for making Gerard worry like this, and so suddenly over the phone.

"It's probably best to explain in person, i-it wouldn't be right to do on the phone."  
"Okay, Frankie, you're scaring me now. Has something happened?"

"No, I-I just... Everything's fine. I just need to talk to you properly, face to face. I..." he sighed, "I've been missing you like fucking crazy, you have no idea."

Gerard sighed down the phone, "I miss you too. Why haven't you called me? Or texted? I said to text me whenever."

"Because, I didn't know how much time you needed to yourself... I'd rather give you more than enough space than not enough, and wait for you to call me."

There was silence for a few moments, and Frank worried he'd somehow said the wrong thing. On the other end of the phone, there was the sound of movement and a door closing, before Gerard spoke again.

"You're really trying to do this right, aren't you?"

"If it means you're happy, then yeah," Frank settled back against he couch cushions, phone held fast to his ear to try and stop his hand from shaking, "I've not had to do anything like this before, I don't know what's the right and wrong thing to do so I'm just guessing."

"You're too sweet, I don't deserve you."

Frank's instinct was to protest; he wasn't 'sweet', he was a mess, and Gerard deserved only the best things in life. He stayed quiet though, he didn't want to get into that kind of self-deprecating, depressing conversation. Depressive... It was the one word that Frank had finally accepted described his past week.

"Can we meet for coffee or something? I really do need to talk to you."

"Okay, when's best for you?"

"Honestly, any time," Frank screwed his eyes shut and rubbed his face, "Whenever's best for you, whenever's soonest. I'll call in sick if I have to."

"You don't have to do-"  
"I do. I really do, Gee. I need to make more time for you, and I need to explain all this, like, as soon as possible."

"Well, are you free tomorrow?"

"Absolutely," he wasn't, he had work; but like he'd said, he could call in sick, "What time's best?"

"We can make it a lunch date? Meet at one at Mara's?"

"Sure, it's a date," Frank smiled. It was a small smile that only curled up at one corner of his mouth, but it was the first proper smile he'd felt in days.

 

\---*---

 

New Jersey had been miserable for the past few weeks, the grey skies either raining lightly or raining hard. The air was cold and damp feeling and it wasn't pleasant to walk anywhere. Unfortunately, Mara's wasn't far enough away for Frank to justify driving there, so he layered up and made his way there by foot.

By the time he got to the cafe, he was cold and feeling about as grey as the sky was looking. The moisture in the air was making his hair curl at the ends, while the rest of it was plastered flat to his head; he thought he must have looked gross and greasy, and worried that Gerard would think he hadn't been looking after himself.

Gerard was tucked away in the far corner of the cafe, and was surprised when Frank joined him. His look of surprise changed to a smile when he looked up and saw it was Frank, who quickly took off his jacket and sat down opposite him.   
"Hi, sorry," Frank apologised, though he wasn't really sure why, it was just out of instinct, "I, uh, I'm not late, am I?"

Gerard immediately reached across the table and took hold of his hands, still smiling as he shook his head, "No, you're not late. I'm so happy to see you."

Frank smiled too, a proper smile, and gave Gerard's hands a gentle squeeze, "I'm really happy to see you too."

"So what do you want to drink? Black coffee?" Gerard raised an eyebrow, "Hot chocolate?"

"Just a black coffee, please," he smiled again, hands slipping from Gerard's as he stood up and walked to the counter, leaving Frank alone.

Now that he was there, and had to deal with everything he'd been avoiding, he wasn't anxious about telling Gerard anymore. It was an inevitability at this point, so there was no point in worrying; it was just how to start explaining it. Should he start from how tough things have been, or does he start from the conversation he had with Ray? Would the former seem too much like a cry for help, like he was asking Gerard to come back? He didn't know, but it had to come out one way or another.

After a few minutes of worrying and getting completely lost in his own thoughts, Frank jumped when Gerard appeared back at the table, balancing their two drinks on a tray.

He set it down carefully and slid back into his seat, smiling and wrapping his hands around his mug. Frank counted the three large marshmallows bobbing around in the light brown foam, and smiled a little; Gerard took almost any opportunity to have hot chocolate, even when it was barely autumn.

Frank added two sugars to his coffee while Gerard waited patiently, still smiling expectantly. He didn't know if Gerard could feel how tense the whole thing was, but if he did he was very good at hiding it. Frank's stomach was tied in knots, and he would have downed his coffee right then and there if it would settle his nerves, but he didn't want to risk burning is tongue out of his skull. Though maybe if he did, he wouldn't have to explain everything to Gerard.

"So... You said you needed to talk to me?"

Gerard was still managing a smile, but he looked worried. Frank set down the spoon he was stirring the coffee with and nodded, still not having any idea where to start.

"Yeah. Um... Like I said, you really don't need to worry," Frank wasn't sure if that was even true, but it felt like the right thing to be saying, "It's just... I've had some stuff going on, I thought you deserved to know."

Gerard frowned, "Has something happened to the band? Has the contract fallen through or something?"  
"No, no," he shook his head, looking down at his coffee and pulling at his sleeves under the table, "The band's fine, everything's fine with that. We're actually pretty on-track, it's all looking good."  
"Then what's happened?"

"I've just... I haven't been feeling good. Like, mentally," he sighed, though it felt more like a weight being lifted, "I spoke to Ray and he reckons it might be depression."

"Oh, Frankie..." Gerard reached a hand across the table and held it open, palm up; Frank knew what he was waiting for and took his hand out from under the table and placed it in Gerard's. His fingers closed around Frank's instantly, stroking his knuckles as he asked, "What do you mean, not feeling good? Tell me..."

"Just, like, I have zero energy, zero motivation. I just go to work, get it done, and then do nothing. I've not... I haven't been eating or sleeping right, either."  
"Is this all just in the last week? You seemed fine before I left."

"I think I  _was_  fine... I didn't want to tell you and make you think it was, like, a cry for attention or me trying to make you come back. It just... Happened. And I am gonna see a doctor, I promise, I just haven't got round to it yet."

Gerard gave his hand a squeeze and reached across with his other hand, holding Frank's between both of his own.

"You know you can talk to me about anything? Anything, any time, and I'll never judge you for it," he managed another small smile, "I'd never just assume you were telling me those things for attention... You know I've dealt with depression. I know how it is."

"Sorry."  
"You've nothing to be sorry about."

The fell into a silence, Frank's hand still clasped between Gerard's as he stroked over his knuckles like he always did. Still, he felt lost in the situation. Now he'd said it all and the fear had gone, there was an emotional space that needed to be filled, and he could only be glad that Gerard was there.

"Hey," Gerard broke the silence, smiling and placing his other hand over Frank's, holding his inked fingers between his palms, "I know this was only meant to be a lunch date, but do you want to do something tonight? We could go to the cinema or something... Whatever you want."

It was like Gerard had read his mind - or his heart - and sensed the loneliness, and Frank was quick to accept.

"Could we maybe just... Go to mine? Watch a film there?"

"If that's what you want, then of course we can." 

Frank bowed his head momentarily as what felt like relief washed over him, "Cool. I mean, good. I-I mean... Great," he sighed, but smiled, "That'd be great."

Gerard sighed a little laugh and stirred his drink, gazing fondly at Frank for a second and asking, "So, Mr Rockstar, tell me how the studio stuff is going?"

Frank was thankful for the conversation change, and started explaining everything that had been going on. It was a pleasant distraction for now, and he only hoped that the rest of the day would go smooth.

And it did, to a point.

They ordered food, ate, and finished their drinks at Mara's and walked back to Frank's. It was strange to think that this wasn't Gerard's 'home' right now, and that he would be leaving again later, but Frank tried to enjoy the day and not think about that fact too much.

They ended up not watching a film at all. Instead, Gerard asked to hear the demos that Frank had mentioned he had a disc of from the studio, and so they listened.

The first listen through, Frank spoke over the music and talked about the recording processed, the rewrited between the original, the demo, and the final version of a song, the fuck ups that had somehow snuck through into the final versions - such as a break in one song where Tim accidentally flung a drumstick across the room and only just recovered in time. Gerard hung on Frank's every word, and the rambling helped to calm Frank's anxiety at the intense attention; he'd almost forgotten how Gerard could make him feel. The time apart, as short as it had been in reality, left Frank feeling like a lovestruck teenager under Gerard's adoring gaze, and he'd missed the feeling of bliss that Gerard brought with him.

The second play of the demo, they just listened, Frank trying not to cringe at how his own voice sounded whining back at him through the stereo. He managed to escape to the kitchen for a few minutes to make the two of them some coffee. Gerard sang along to the few lyrics he could remember, reminisced about the first times he'd heard the songs he knew, and got excited and gushed over the new ones he'd never heard before. He gave Frank his honest opinions, all of which were positive, and beamed at him, smiling and sighing as he tried to explain how proud he was of Frank.

The third listen, they weren't really listening. No more explanations or praise or singing, as Frank and Gerard found their mouths otherwise occupied.

Frank wasn't sure how they'd got here; him laying beneath Gerard on the couch, lips on lips, on jaw, on neck, the cold weather outside and their time apart completely forgotten in the heat between their bodies.

It was sweet and needy and perfect. So perfect. Too perfect. 

There was no way Frank could possibly explain how badly he had needed to be kissed like this, to be touched and held and feel loved. He was starved of affection, admittedly by his own choice, and was taking everything Gerard was kind enough to offer him now. He felt pathetic, but maybe that was just the depression trying to tear down this perfect moment.

Frank didn't even notice he was crying until Gerard pulled away, his look going from heady arousal to confusion and concern in a few short seconds. He removed his hand from where it was tangled in Frank's hair, the other arm holding him up over Frank's body, and stroked away a tear with his thumb.

"Hey, hey," he cooed, eyebrows creasing, "What's wrong?"

"I... Uh," he reached a hand up to his own face and felt the wet trail that was running from his eye, "Fuck..."

"Frankie?"

Frank sat up, forcing Gerard to crawl backwards on the couch and sit back, still watching him carefully, expression painted with worry. 

"Sorry," Frank almost laughed as he wiped angrily at his eyes, but the tears kept coming, only making him more frustrated, "I'm a fucking mess, I'm sorry."

He sniffed hard and threw his head back for a moment, willing the tears back into his eyes and blinking them away. Glancing sideways, he saw that Gerard had no idea what to do, which made him feel distinctly worse, but he just laughed again and shook his head.

"I dunno what's wrong with me, " he leaned on his knees and ran a hand through his hair, "I'm an emotional void for a solid week and now I'm crying 'cause my boyfriend kissed me, how fucking backwards is this?"

"No, hey," Gerard snuck a hand over to Frank's knee, "It's alright. I get that you're a bit emotionally messy right now, it's okay."

Frank laughed again, a harsh, angry, sarcastic sounding laugh, "It's really not okay! What reason do I have to be this much of a fucking mess? I have everything going for me! I have my band and we're gonna have an EP out soon and we're gonna go on  _tour_ ,I have a boyfriend who loves me, I'm healthy, I don't get-"  
"Babe, you're not healthy," Gerard cut him off, moving his hand from Frank's knee to his hand, intertwining their fingers as wrapped his other arm around Frank's smaller frame, "If you do have depression, that's an  _illness_  and it's got to be treated. You've got to take it seriously... And you've got to get better."

Any desire to impulsively laugh at the ridiculous situation and state of his emotions vanished when Frank saw the look in Gerard's eyes. It wasn't just concern, it was pain. Seeing him like this actually hurt Gerard. Of course. Of course it did. 

Frank was hurting, and Gerard loved him; they were a couple, they had a connection, and if Gerard was hurting the way Frank was, Frank would feel that pan too and would to anything to make it right.

"I will, I want to," tears pricked at his eyes again, but he fought to stop them falling, "I-I'm sorry, I just... Ugh," he sniffed and shook his hair back from his face, "How did I get this bad so fast?"

"I don't know, but... If you think it was us taking a break, I wouldn't blame you. You know," Gerard rubbed his thumbs over Frank's knuckles, brows furrowed, "It was really sudden, and kind of unfair on you, but I didn't mean for us to stop talking or stop seeing each other. I just meant it as a way for us to both do our own thing without getting in each others way, you know? I'd  hate for you to think I wanted to cut myself off from you."

"I know. I know what it was, I just guess I... I dunno..." he hung his head and looked at the way their hands were linked, Gerard's pale elegant fingers knotted with his own softer, inked ones, "I think I overreacted."

Gerard didn't say anything, and instead leaned across the small space between them and kissed his cheek, lingering a few moments longer and resting his forehead against Frank's.

"It'll all be back to normal soon, Frankie. You'll come back from tour, I'll have my surgery, and we'll both be back here and it'll all be fine."

"You don't know that."

Frank regretted letting his pessimistic thoughts leave his lips, as Gerard sighed heavily and pressed against Frank a little harder, a nudge, as though to tell him off for saying such a thing.

"You're right, I don't know. But I love you, and I want it to be fine."

"So do I."

"Then promise you'll do what you can to make it fine? And I'll do the same?"

Frank had missed the warm brandy hazel of Gerard's eyes, even when they were looking at him with such a pleading sadness. He'd missed this closeness, this melancholy intimacy, feeling cared about and needed. If he'd missed moments like these - somber, sad, and reminders of why he needed Gerard in his life - then he needed the moments where he was simply happy to share them with Gerard. He needed things to be fine.

"I promise. I'd do anything for you."


End file.
